10 Commandments of Dating. by Samuel Adams & Ben Young

[Liamson]

COMMANDMENT #1: Thou Shalt Get A Life. Those that don’t risk living the “un-life,” which can be characterized by desperation, dependency, and/or depression. Fundamental principle: dating is not (and should never become) your life. Love yourself the way God loves you.


COMMANDMENT #2: Thou Shalt Use Your Brain. While there’s value in romance, feelings, and emotions, there’s a counter-balance that must be employed, and that’s called “thinking.” They suggest a proper balance between head and heart, avoiding going too fast, involving others in your dating process, and evaluating along the way as helpful steps towards exercising your mind.


COMMANDMENT #3: Thou Shalt Be Equally Yoked. A principle from 2 Corinthians 6:14. While “opposites attract,” the authors point out that those “opposites” are often in the “minor” areas of the relationship. The areas that can be “compromised,” never in the “major” ones. Don’t fall into a myriad of dysfunctional relationship patterns that are marked by an imbalance of quality in character.


COMMANDMENT #4: Thou Shalt Take It Slow. Bottom line, relationships take time. “Take it slow, to get to know.”


COMMANDMENT #5: Thou Shalt Set Clear Boundaries. The balance of “responsibility” is a challenging one in any relationship. Not only ought we recognize and value our emotions and body as only “owned” by us, but how does one strive towards intimacy, which requires becoming responsible for someone else. And where is the balance? Boundaries, ultimately healthy and necessary, but delicate and difficult to discern.


COMMANDMENT #6: Thou Shalt Save Sex For Later. Because of the Christian flavor, this is an “open and shut” case for the authors; “God said so…now here’s why.” Their reasons? You experience wholeness, higher self-esteem, avoid dangerous or deadly diseases, and you ultimately value your body.


COMMANDMENT #7: Thou Shalt Not Fall For Sex Lies. Not only is not everyone doing it, and not only is it not possible to get pregnant, and not only will it bring us closer together, but they’ve got great responses to all of those lies. Celebrate purity, don’t be home alone, don’t date anyone who is a lot older, watch how you dress, and stay away from porn.


COMMANDMENT #8: Thou Shalt Not Ignore Warning Signs. Perhaps one of the most important chapters in the book. Any abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual, ought to result in an immediate break-up. There is no reasonable defense or explanation that can support any form of abuse–ever. Other warning signs are addictions, disrespectfulness, emotional baggage, denial, and irresponsible behavior.


COMMANDMENT #9: Thou Shalt Choose Wisely. Do not be fooled by externals, or blinded by sex. Look for great character, someone who is faithful, honest, committed, forgiving, and generous (giving). And be sure to check in with your friends, their other relationships (with friends and family), and give it lots of time. Reminds me of the quote, “the most unhappy people in the world are not single people wishing they were married, but married people wishing they were single.”


COMMANDMENT #10: Thou Shalt Take Action. So, if you’re going to implement these, any significant change in your life must be accompanied by action, literal, physical movement.

 

[Liamson]

Commandment 2 in this book really tackles and shoots down the whole Hyper spiritual Nonsense that fills people's minds with hot garbage like this....

People who buy into this are setting themselves up to be manipulated.

 

[BananaPie]

The Ten Commandments of Math

1. Thou shalt not divide by zero.

2. Thou shalt respect thy math textbooks before thee at home and in math class.

3. Thou shalt show thyself approved by showing all thy math work and thy earnest solutions. Thou shalt ignoreth the teachings of false prophets to doest all thy work in thy head.

4. Remember thy test days and prepare ye wholly towards them.

5. Thou shalt honor the proper order of operations.

6. Thou shalt not do thy math homework in ink !

7. Thou shalt commit the facts of arithmetic, algebraic properties, trig identities and calculus theorems to memory.

8. Thou shalt do unto one side of an equation what thou doest to the other side.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy original problems; thou shalt copy thy problems accurately and legibly.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's paper; nay even thy neighbor's homework. Neither shalt thou covet anything that is thy neighbor's.

 

[just_monicat]

COMMANDMENT #9: Thou Shalt Choose Wisely. Do not be fooled by externals, or blinded by sex. Look for great character, someone who is faithful, honest, committed, forgiving, and generous (giving). And be sure to check in with your friends, their other relationships (with friends and family), and give it lots of time. Reminds me of the quote, “the most unhappy people in the world are not single people wishing they were married, but married people wishing they were single.”

.

word.

if i hear the phrase "starter marriage" one more time, i just might have a conniption.

 

[Misty77]

word.

if i hear the phrase "starter marriage" one more time, i just might have a conniption.

The ONLY appropriate use of that phrase or "practice marriage" is in a group of fellow divorcees who are just joking about their tragedies. That's a dangerous mindset to have starting at the altar.

 

[zaoman32]

COMMANDMENT #8: Thou Shalt Not Ignore Warning Signs. Perhaps one of the most important chapters in the book. Any abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual, ought to result in an immediate break-up. There is no reasonable defense or explanation that can support any form of abuse–ever. Other warning signs are addictions, disrespectfulness, emotional baggage, denial, and irresponsible behavior.

Here's some skinny on this one, and since you mentioned it's a book, they probably give you more info, at least I would hope they do. It's important to be familiarized with the warning signs of abuse. It's extremely easy once abuse happens to make an excuse for your loved one, because by the time it happens you're emotionally invested already, and you don't want to break free from that person. Again, watch for the signs and be wary.

I was in a class several years back in which someone else made the statement, "once you've been with someone for so long the abnormal becomes normal". It's easy to tell someone to get out of an abusive situation, it's difficult to actually get out because it does seem normal, and even once you do get out, you don't expect people to treat you much different, at least that's how I've found the case to be personally, but it could be different with different forms of abuse.

And now I've spoken my two cents

 

[blacksheep]

Most of this is pretty good advice generally. However, I have to admit I have serious problems with 6 and 7.

COMMANDMENT #6: Thou Shalt Save Sex For Later. Because of the Christian flavor, this is an “open and shut” case for the authors; “God said so…now here’s why.” Their reasons? You experience wholeness, higher self-esteem, avoid dangerous or deadly diseases, and you ultimately value your body.

Safe, consensual sex between two adults can indeed provide an experience of wholeness, higher self-esteem, value of one's own body, and you can absolutely avoid dangerous or deadly diseases. If it is better for you to wait, then by all means wait - no one should be pressured into having sex before they are ready.

But I see no evidence, in both accepted dogma and the various apocrypha, that God actually has any problem with safe, consensual sex between two adults. (There is, of course, evidence he has a problem with it when at least one of those adults is married to someone else, but that's a different issue.)

COMMANDMENT #7: Thou Shalt Not Fall For Sex Lies. Not only is not everyone doing it, and not only is it not possible to get pregnant, and not only will it bring us closer together, but they’ve got great responses to all of those lies. Celebrate purity, don’t be home alone, don’t date anyone who is a lot older, watch how you dress, and stay away from porn.

I don't understand how being a virgin makes one "pure" in the eyes of God. The ideas around such "purity" have nothing to do with faith, they have to do with property rights, dowrys, etc. - it was about economics and how civil society functioned at the time. A woman had more worth when she was a virgin because then a man, in this male-dominated society, could take her into his home and have children knowing that no other child but those made of his seed was born of his wife... which is an issue only if inheritance and the like is an issue.

And the bit about pornography is, frankly, amusing. I'd love to hear anyone's explanations for how pornography as a whole (not just mainstream pornography), for how pornography as a concept, is actually bad for anyone, or violates any of God's precepts.

And the "watch how you dress" bit, frankly, is victim-shaming and blaming. People don't get raped because of how they dress, they get raped because some sociopath thought that they were in a situation, one way or another, where they could rape people and get away with it. Even conservatively-dressed, faithful people who stay in crowded public places can be raped. The problem is the culture, not the individual.

 

[zaoman32]

yay another troll...someone shoot me now

 

[blacksheep]

yay another troll...someone shoot me now

Since yours was the last reply to the topic before mine (and thus mine is the only one that is new to you) I can only assume you're referring to me.

I apologize if anything I wrote seems like "trolling." This is a discussion forum, and I'm simply discussing the topic at hand.

If you have any problems with what I wrote, or have any answers to the questions contained therein, I would be genuinely interested in hearing them. I'm here for discussion and conversation, not to convince anyone of anything, or insist that my point of view is correct.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

It's important to be familiarized with the warning signs of abuse. It's extremely easy once abuse happens to make an excuse for your loved one, because by the time it happens you're emotionally invested already, and you don't want to break free from that person. Again, watch for the signs and be wary.

Also, pay attention to how they treat others. If they talk bad about their mother behind her back, if they lie to their friends, if they bully their employees at work or talk down to the servers at a restaurant... they are probably going to do that to you one day, too. I had a man tell me one time that he could make my parents love him. He'd take my dad out on his boat, and he'd show my mother how well he treated me, and they'd fall in love with him. Red flag. If he thought he could "buy" their affections in such ways, how was he going to try to manipulate me to suit his purposes in a possible relationship?

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Commandment 10 should really be commandment number 1. Without that one, your screwed

 

[BananaPie]

Patience, dear Z-man, in good time we don't feed the drools, I mean, the trolls.

 

[rachelsedge]

And the bit about pornography is, frankly, amusing. I'd love to hear anyone's explanations for how pornography as a whole (not just mainstream pornography), for how pornography as a concept, is actually bad for anyone, or violates any of God's precepts.

Oh man, I could go on for a while about this. But I will simply ask you to tell me how watching two (or more) other people who are not married engage in sexual acts, with the sole purpose of arousing the viewer to lust and possibly (usually) act on that lust, is a good idea for a Christian who is commanded to think on things that are lovely, pure, and good (Philippians 4:8)?

 

[Liamson]

"this is a discussion forum"

Now if we are assuming good faith, genuine perspectives and real interation, I might let your stuff go.


You preface all of your beliefs concerning our beliefs with "I see nothing wrong with" which is a very subjective qualifier, as if to say, if there were something wrong it would be blatantly obvious to everyone, and since not is the case, I don't see what the problem is.

We don't have subjective rules in Christianity. Its not a choose your own adventure.

Jesus said, whoever has looked at a woman with Lust in his heart has commit adultery. Adultery is a violation of the Law. therefore pornography is a violation of Christian principles. The only exception is when the person is a spouse, but then its not adultery or lust and technically not pornography either.



Also being a virgin and being pure in the eyes of God, were not apart of the discussion until you introduced those things.

Which if you are not a Christian, then you can "See nothing wrong" with whatever you want.




And if you want to straw man up some victim shaming rape culture BS nonesense, then you can start a new thread and see who responds, but not here, this is not even close to what we are talking about.


All in all, I would think that due to your unfamiliarity with Christian Principles, Agenda to fight against various things you percieve to be occuring in my post and overall promotion of non-sequiter conversation starters, this is why we call you a troll.

 

[kenthomas27]

Also, pay attention to how they treat others. If they talk bad about their mother behind her back, if they lie to their friends, if they bully their employees at work or talk down to the servers at a restaurant... they are probably going to do that to you one day, too. I had a man tell me one time that he could make my parents love him. He'd take my dad out on his boat, and he'd show my mother how well he treated me, and they'd fall in love with him. Red flag. If he thought he could "buy" their affections in such ways, how was he going to try to manipulate me to suit his purposes in a possible relationship?

He had a boat?

 

[BananaPie]

Most of this is pretty good advice generally. However, I have to admit I have serious problems with 6 and 7.

Safe, consensual sex between two adults can indeed provide an experience of wholeness,...

But I see no evidence,... that God actually has any problem with safe, consensual sex between two adults.

The Bible is quite honest, straightforward and clear in that coitus is the exclusive holy participation between one adult male and one adult female married to each other.

All coitus outside of holy matrimony is adultery or fornication, which in God's opinion means defilement of one's body and enmity with God.

 

[just_monicat]

The ONLY appropriate use of that phrase or "practice marriage" is in a group of fellow divorcees who are just joking about their tragedies. That's a dangerous mindset to have starting at the altar.

i've never heard it used prior to marriage. just by people who use it as an attempt to insert humor while discussing a stale, failing or (recently) broken marriage.

my distaste for this phrase has nothing to do with divorce or people who are divorced.

it's the idea that anyone would use an adjective that people apply to cars or houses and infer that marriage (whether speaking of it in a past tense or not) should be referred to as a temporary condition, and by extricating yourself, you can then, move on to the marriage that your previous one prepared you for.

it's usually dropped in a hail of laughter. i don't think it's funny. : )

 

[blacksheep]

Oh man, I could go on for a while about this. But I will simply ask you to tell me how watching two (or more) other people who are not married engage in sexual acts, with the sole purpose of arousing the viewer to lust and possibly (usually) act on that lust, is a good idea for a Christian who is commanded to think on things that are lovely, pure, and good (Philippians 4:8)?

Sex can be lovely and good (not sure what pure would mean in that context), and so why should watching sex and being aroused by it automatically be a bad thing? Obviously I can think of situations where it would be, but I don't see why it is an automatic sort of thing. As far as marriage, the participants can certainly be married (in fact there are quite a few married couples who, professionally or just for fun, make videos of themselves and share them with people). I just don't understand why as a whole, as a category, all pornography would be bad.

Thanks for the response! Good discussion.

The Bible is quite honest, straightforward and clear in that coitus is the exclusive holy participation between one adult male and one adult female married to each other.

All coitus outside of holy matrimony is adultery or fornication, which in God's opinion means defilement of one's body and enmity with God.

While the bible is certainly specific as far as adultery, etc, (which I did write about above) I haven't, in my readings, found anything that actually says that sex before marriage, if it is simple sex (rather than say, temple prostitution, etc) consensual and between two adults, is against God's edicts.

If something does say that specifically, I really would appreciate supporting quotes, with an indication of which translation is being used, so I can change my stance on this accordingly.

Thank you!

You preface all of your beliefs concerning our beliefs with "I see nothing wrong with" which is a very subjective qualifier..

Well, first, I use that preface as opposed to "there is nothing wrong with," since this is all a matter of interpretation, faith, and opinion. I just thought I was being responsible.

By the same token, when you write "our beliefs," you seem to imply that there is agreement among all of us who would consider ourselves Christian, when that clearly isn't the case.

Jesus said, whoever has looked at a woman with Lust in his heart has commit adultery. Adultery is a violation of the Law. therefore pornography is a violation of Christian principles. The only exception is when the person is a spouse, but then its not adultery or lust and technically not pornography either.

Of course it would still be pornography. Pornography is, by definition, the explicit depiction of sexual subject matter; a display of material of an erotic nature. It doesn't matter what the marital status of the people involved are, or who the intended audience is.

And Lust in the sense you mean it is the real biblical lust - an actual covetous, destructive craving for that particular person. I would say there is a difference between mere arousal and true Lust. But then, perhaps that's just a matter of semantics and we should agree to disagree.

Also being a virgin and being pure in the eyes of God, were not apart of the discussion until you introduced those things.

Number 7 explicitly addresses purity (it even uses the very word). I'm confused as to how you missed that, considering you posted it in the first place...

Which if you are not a Christian, then you can "See nothing wrong" with whatever you want.

Obviously. But if I weren't a Christian I wouldn't be here, so....

And if you want to straw man up some victim shaming rape culture BS nonesense, then you can start a new thread and see who responds, but not here, this is not even close to what we are talking about.

Number 7 states "watch how you dress" in the context of sex, and things people are told about sex. I don't think I actually went out on a limb there, but if I did, I apologize.

I would appreciate it, though, if you would tell me how I have created a straw man, or why my conviction that the victims of sexual assault or unwanted sexual advances shouldn't be blamed for their assaults is "BS," as you put it (or if you were referring to something else).

All in all, I would think that due to your unfamiliarity with Christian Principles, Agenda to fight against various things you percieve to be occuring in my post and overall promotion of non-sequiter conversation starters, this is why we call you a troll.

First, I have combed over multiple translations of the old and new testaments, engaged in in-depth discussion with priests, and am very familiar with a wide array of ancient, medieval, and modern apocrypha. I am very familiar with the larger array of Christian principles. Just because one is engaging with the material in a way with which you are unfamiliar doesn't mean that they are unfamiliar with the material.

Second, I have no agenda, and no fight. This is a discussion. People express opinions, offer arguments and evidence, etc. in a discussion. Are we all supposed to be in agreement at all times?

Third, I have introduced no non-sequiturs in this discussion, since I've referenced the OP directly with each of my points.

Fourth, I would ask you and others not to be so quick to judge (indeed, "not being quick to judge" is certainly one of the principles Jesus tried to impart). I'm not here to convince anyone of the validity of my personal opinions, as that is pointless in the world at large, and even doubly so online. I'm just here to get in some good discussion, and I would say we are, for the most part, having it.

Thank you for your reply!

 

[zaoman32]

Rawr, I'm a big ugly troll who will start an argument for no better reason than I'm bored.

 

[MissCris]

Rawr, I'm a big ugly troll who will start an argument for no better reason than I'm bored.

You say that as though we didn't already know this about you
(Yes yes, I know what you meant)