Any thoughts on this method of showing interest (especially guys)

[Jilly81]

Recently one of the sisters here mentioned hoping that a certain guy would ask her out. They had talked some, but she never specifically let him know that she was interested in dating him (that I read). After they were no longer co-workers, she said that she wished that she'd asked him out, and would do so next time.

It got me thinking; although I don't think I'd ask a guy out in a traditional sense, if I thought it wise, I would probably sort of ask HIM to ask ME out, or at least hint at it. As an example, "You know, if you asked me get a cup of coffee with you, I would accept *smiles coyly, walking away*". The "walking away" bit can be omitted it you really want an answer; like, if you're pretty sure that he wants to date/court, but is simply too shy to let you know. Before that, there's always the "You know, we get along really well" comment to see how he reacts**. We'd have to be friends first anyway, so it's not like I'd say this right away. Also, I'd have to feel peaceful about doing this and REALLY like the guy, etc.

I'm not asking for permission to show interest in this manner, but I'm curious as to what you all (especially the guys) think about it. Maybe a lot of guys would think it weird if a girl showed interest to him this way. To me it just makes it obvious that I'm interested in a closer relationship (and also that I'm a little bit silly, which he would probably already know by then anyway ). However, if he's not interested, we can stay friends easier, since he never had to actually reject me.

Anyway, discuss, discuss .



**If I said this to anyone here, it was just a comment; I'm not currently interested in anyone on this site for anything beyond friendship .

 

[Liamson]

Recently one of the sisters here mentioned hoping that a certain guy would ask her out. They had talked some, but she never specifically let him know that she was interested in dating him (that I read). After they were no longer co-workers, she said that she wished that she'd asked him out, and would do so next time. It got me thinking; although I don't think I'd ask a guy out in a traditional sense, if I thought it wise, I would probably sort of ask HIM to ask ME out, or at least hint at it. As an example, "You know, if you asked me get a cup of coffee with you, I would accept *smiles coyly, walking away*". The walking away can be omitted it you really want an answer; like, if you're pretty sure that he wants to do so, but is simply too shy. Before that, there's always the "You know, we get along really well" comment to see how he reacts**. We'd have to be friends first anyway, so it's not like I'd say this right away. Also, I'd have to feel peaceful about doing this and REALLY like the guy, etc. I'm not asking for permission to show interest in this manner, but I'm curious as to what you all (especially the guys) think about it. Maybe a lot of guys would think it weird if a girl showed interest to him this way. To me it just makes it obvious that I'm interested in a closer relationship (and also that I'm a little bit silly, which he would probably already know by now anyway ). We can stay friends easier if he's not interested, though, since he never had to actually reject me.

Anyway, discuss, discuss .



**If I said this to anyone here, it was just a comment; I'm not currently interested in anyone on this site for anything beyond friendship .

Prelude to getting shot down.

I go to a college where most of the girls are like 18-23 and I get stuff like this a lot.

"I see coffee in our near future."

"You're smarter than you look, I like smart guys."

It usually just leaves me with this feeling of "Okay, And...?"



Its not that I'm dense its just this is the same tactic that Drug dealers use to feel up potential buyers. Its how closet smokers find out who they can go burn one with. Its how people who hook up probe the idea of who is okay with doing whatever.




I'm a huge fan of pre-dates. Like, "Some peeps and I are doing X, you should come with us."

Basically non-exclusive Olive Branches. And then depending on how that goes, Coffee, Lunch, Breakfast, whatever.

But it is deliberate.

I guess in a way, maybe this is just me but, I feel like, if I am being who I ought to be then I have nothing to fear from being shot down. I can only be and do what I know is right.

And if I'm trying to insulate myself from rejection, then I must to some degree feel unworthy or fearful.

"Do all you can to present yourself to God as someone worthy of his approval, as a worker with no need to be ashamed, because he deals straightforwardly with the Word of the Truth" 2 Timothy 2:15




I used to be the guy who slithered up sideways, through the friend zone, as a brother hoping to cross the fence and be more than that. Just by being the one who cared, the one who listened and the one who would never be a jerk.

But the reason was because I was afraid to approach the draw bridge, the main gate, and be seen openly for my intentions. Lest I be weighed and measured and found wanting.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

Prelude to getting shot down.

I go to a college where most of the girls are like 18-23 and I get stuff like this a lot.

"I see coffee in our near future."

"You're smarter than you look, I like smart guys."

It usually just leaves me with this feeling of "Okay, And...?"



Its not that I'm dense its just this is the same tactic that Drug dealers use to feel up potential buyers. Its how closet smokers find out who they can go burn one with. Its how people who hook up probe the idea of who is okay with doing whatever.




I'm a huge fan of pre-dates. Like, "Some peeps and I are doing X, you should come with us."

Basically non-exclusive Olive Branches. And then depending on how that goes, Coffee, Lunch, Breakfast, whatever.

But it is deliberate.

I guess in a way, maybe this is just me but, I feel like, if I am being who I ought to be then I have nothing to fear from being shot down. I can only be and do what I know is right.

And if I'm trying to insulate myself from rejection, then I must to some degree feel unworthy or fearful.

"Do all you can to present yourself to God as someone worthy of his approval, as a worker with no need to be ashamed, because he deals straightforwardly with the Word of the Truth" 2 Timothy 2:15




I used to be the guy who slithered up sideways, through the friend zone, as a brother hoping to cross the fence and be more than that. Just by being the one who cared, the one who listened and the one who would never be a jerk.

But the reason was because I was afraid to approach the draw bridge, the main gate, and be seen openly for my intentions. Lest I be weighed and measured and found wanting.

To comment quickly on the last part that Liamson said...I've always been more that guy. If I liked a girl I would just put it all out there...stand at the main gate and just tell her up front that this is how I am feeling about you..about us...is there any chance you feel this way about me/us as well?

Now about what Jilly mentioned...
I don't or wouldn't have a problem with how you (or friend) propose to showing interest or asking a guy out. I think you always have to play these things by ear. I'm not sure there's a perfect way to let someone know that you want to spend more time with them,other than just telling them. I just feel that if you leave it kinda open & vague,then that's exactly what you might get in return for a response. I've had women tell me point blank that they liked me & wanted to get to know me better or date...and other's were so coy about it,that I had no idea until years later when they finally told me that they had been interested in me,and by then well...thing's change.

 

[CatHerder]

yeah....um....what Liamson said.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Prelude to getting shot down.

I go to a college where most of the girls are like 18-23 and I get stuff like this a lot.

"I see coffee in our near future."

"You're smarter than you look, I like smart guys."

It usually just leaves me with this feeling of "Okay, And...?"



Its not that I'm dense its just this is the same tactic that Drug dealers use to feel up potential buyers. Its how closet smokers find out who they can go burn one with. Its how people who hook up probe the idea of who is okay with doing whatever.




I'm a huge fan of pre-dates. Like, "Some peeps and I are doing X, you should come with us."

Basically non-exclusive Olive Branches. And then depending on how that goes, Coffee, Lunch, Breakfast, whatever.

But it is deliberate.

I guess in a way, maybe this is just me but, I feel like, if I am being who I ought to be then I have nothing to fear from being shot down. I can only be and do what I know is right.

And if I'm trying to insulate myself from rejection, then I must to some degree feel unworthy or fearful.

"Do all you can to present yourself to God as someone worthy of his approval, as a worker with no need to be ashamed, because he deals straightforwardly with the Word of the Truth" 2 Timothy 2:15




I used to be the guy who slithered up sideways, through the friend zone, as a brother hoping to cross the fence and be more than that. Just by being the one who cared, the one who listened and the one who would never be a jerk.

But the reason was because I was afraid to approach the draw bridge, the main gate, and be seen openly for my intentions. Lest I be weighed and measured and found wanting.

I like your honesty there Liamson, I too suffered from friend zone syndrome when I was a teenager. Much better to approach the main gate as you put it if you are a male. Ladies have a completely different social structure regarding how they are supposed to behave though and in my personal opinion, they're entitled to be more subtle or coy about expressing interest. Slut shame and competition within their ranks can be pretty brutal as I'm sure you know. They have an entirely different set of social consequences to deal with and dropping a hint instead of outright stating what they're interested in protects them both emotionally and socially.

 

[kenthomas27]

Women and men consciously or subconsciously signal each all day long, most of the time overtly. Us men sometimes look like birds of paradise hoping around on a log looking ridiculous. Women have their own set of signals and though there might be some that signal better, they all know how to do it. I think it's all instinctual really.

Plus rejection, now that I think about it. In my own case, I know that if I sense rejection (or see it outright) even in a way that's not directly pointed at me, I'll quit hopping around on my log and forget it.

 

[BananaPie]

"You're smarter than you look, I like smart..."

It usually just leaves me with this feeling of "Okay, And...?"

If that phrase came with a nickel, a house would have been bought cash a long time ago. I'm with you on this one, "It just leaves me with... "Okay,...?"

As for the OP, simply consider whatever is said to you directly as small-talk, friendly chatter.

In mathematics there are only 2 sets of numbers: "the Real" and the "Imaginary." In order for an "imaginary" number to make mathematical sense, it' must be tagged to a Real number; thus, becoming a meaningful "complex number."

Similarly, there are only 2 circumstances in a relationship:

a) the Real in which your heart is corresponded in love & sincerity; and
b) everybody else, including cyberspace.

Don't believe anything until it's actually proven to be real. For examples,

1. If the guy claims to be a pilot, don't believe it until he actually pilots and lands at your local airport to discover how wonderful you really are.

2. If the guy claims, in a mighty fine British accent, to be engineer Jack who is so very much interested in you, don't believe that either until the bloke lands at your local airport to discover how astronomically lovely you are!!

In other words, don't believe small-talk because that's all it is: Small chatter. Don't accelerate your thoughts anywhere on "hints" unless you have tangible actions to back up his story. ...just saying.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Jill, your on the right path....in general, I don't think the part where you suggested saying something like ""You know, if you asked me to get a cup of coffee with you, I would accept" is a very good idea though. I don't think it's wrong to say that if it's how you really want to do it, but there are better ways. Like Liamson said, your setting yourself up for a shoot down by doing that when it's really not necessary. Saying "You know, we get along really well....", that's a much better way to go about it if your going to verbalize it. Gauging a reaction is safer and he should still be able to take the hint there (Unless he's just clueless, lol) Some guys really do get wary if a woman comes across as too forward.

I always watch for signals, hints....whatever you want to call them like a hawk. Like tonight at work, I was helping a girl on the self checkout machines (I'm an overnight cashier). She was really eager to talk about how good a certain brand something in her cart was, I should try it...bla bla bla. Her eye contact was really good, and she kept touching me lightly on the shoulder during conversation.....all smiles and made a lot of effort to keep the conversation going. Really innocent conversation, but she got her point across really well. The flirting became mutual after the light bulb went on in my head and I realized I was being invited.

Girls do not touch guys frequently like that in a conversation unless they are interested (It's a really strong hint in my book, anyone who would disagree with that I would love to hear why). It's perfectly normal for people to touch each other casually in conversation, so if I didn't like her back....I could have easily just played dumb like I didn't realize what she was trying to communicate and there would have been no harm either way.

There's a thousand ways to drop hints that are classy, not risky for you, and not too forward either.

 

[abbiejean]

Much better to approach the main gate as you put it if you are a male. Ladies have a completely different social structure regarding how they are supposed to behave though and in my personal opinion, they're entitled to be more subtle or coy about expressing interest. Slut shame and competition within their ranks can be pretty brutal as I'm sure you know. They have an entirely different set of social consequences to deal with and dropping a hint instead of outright stating what they're interested in protects them both emotionally and socially.

Ladies have a completely different social structure regarding how they are supposed to behave though and in my personal opinion...yup and we are either taught it from our peers or by society as a whole. Sad to say, many times the lessons taught are wrong ones.

and in my personal opinion, they're entitled to be more subtle or coy about expressing interest. thank you

Slut shame (IMHO harsh way of putting it as some are not) and competition within their ranks can be pretty brutal as I'm sure you know. i agree. competition, jealousy, strife in the female ranks can be downright appalling.

They have an entirely different set of social consequences to deal with (amen) and dropping a hint instead of outright stating what they're interested in protects them both emotionally and socially. wise words.

 

[Oncefallen]

Don't believe anything until it's actually proven to be real. For examples,

1. If the guy claims to be a pilot, don't believe it until he actually pilots and lands at your local airport to discover how wonderful you really are.

Soooo, what you're saying is if the guy claims to be a tow truck driver, don't believe him until he shows up to repo your car??

 

[BananaPie]

BTW, as godly women of faith, we should never participate in "hints" or teasing small-talk either because it may provoke unhealthy thoughts in the brother. Instead, it's always best to be honest with our words when praising a brother.

For example, if a fellow grows a cute beard, it's proper for the sister to praise his bread in passing; "Say there, brother, nice bread the Lord gave you there."

But what would be improper is for the sister to draw attention to herself in praising his bread; "Oh brother, did you know I totally love men with a beard like yours?" ...yikes! Not only is that behavior signaling "I'm a flirt;" it's also in the plural "men" as if the brother's beard is not her exclusive interest, but "men" are her interest. Yeah, the godly folks worth marrying pick up on stuff like this. ...just saying.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

BTW, as godly women of faith, we should never participate in "hints" or teasing small-talk either because it may provoke unhealthy thoughts in the brother. Instead, it's always best to be honest with our words when praising a brother.

That's an interesting point of view. I thought we were speaking of hints signalling that we like each other.....how can that provoke unhealthy thoughts? I can completely understand what your saying if your speaking of lust, but it's possible for people to genuinely like each other and be drawn to each other without lusting after each other. Also, I'm confused about the statement "It's always best to be honest with our words when praising a brother". I agree with that, but what part of the discussion has suggested anyone be dishonest?

 

[BananaPie]

Soooo, what you're saying is if the guy claims to be a tow truck driver, don't believe him until he shows up to repo your car??

Well, yeah, as long as her car loan agent has called her confirming that,
a) Mr.TowTruck is real, and b) she's busted on delinquent payments... LOL

Mr.TowTruck may very well payoff the girl's car at that point because he loves her so much! How's that?

 

[BananaPie]

That's an interesting point of view. I thought we were speaking of hints signalling that we like each other.....how can that provoke unhealthy thoughts?

Well, the standard premise is that all saints are to always be depending upon the sovereign grace God bestows upon His people. Saints are to strive to live in sanctification, "seeking the mind of Christ."

When we go about "teasing" a brother, for example, how does that sister know that such brother really belongs to her and not to another sister he'll meet next week, or met a week before?

We saints need to be very careful not to distract a saint's heart from him/her seeking the mind of Christ in the matter.

...but what part of the discussion has suggested anyone be dishonest?

None of it has.

I was simply opining from past experiences in the Church and on this website.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Well, the standard premise is that all saints are to always be depending upon the sovereign grace God bestows upon His people. Saints are to strive to live in sanctification, "seeking the mind of Christ."

When we go about "teasing" a brother, for example, how does that sister know that such brother really belongs to her and not to another sister he'll meet next week, or met a week before?

We saints need to be very careful not to distract a saint's heart from him/her seeking the mind of Christ in the matter.


None of it has.

I was simply opining from past experiences in the Church and on this website.

Thanks for clearing that up sis, I was really confused. lol. I agree with all of that. I just think there's a difference between dropping a hint and teasing. Teasing would imply your toying with them in some way, when dropping a hint is just expressing interest/like for the person

 

[BananaPie]

...it's possible for people to genuinely like each other and be drawn to each other without lusting after each other.

Indeed, and that's the point. When a godly man and a godly woman are genuinely attracted to each other, do they really, really need "hints" to jump-start love?

The saints should always be polite and prudent in exercising honesty.

If a brother is genuinely interested in knowing a sister's heart, then he should simply inquire from the sister if she'd enjoy spending time with him for the purpose of getting to know each other's hearts as they both seek the mind of Christ.

...but such decorum is a far cry from the flirting that goes around, isn't it? People get caught up in flirting that they miss out on the genuine ones, while the genuine ones move on to meet their genuine one. LOL

 

[abbiejean]

Indeed, and that's the point. When a godly man and a godly woman are genuinely attracted to each other, do they really, really need "hints" to jump-start love?

The saints should always be polite and prudent in exercising honesty.

If a brother is genuinely interested in knowing a sister's heart, then he should simply inquire from the sister if she'd enjoy spending time with him for the purpose of getting to know each other's hearts as they both seek the mind of Christ.

...but such decorum is a far cry from the flirting that goes around, isn't it? People get caught up in flirting that they miss out on the genuine ones, while the genuine ones move on to meet their genuine one. LOL

Really liked what all you have shared BananaPie in all of your posts. Well stated. And I agree.

 

[1still_waters]

In general, if a woman is interested in a guy, then make a point of crossing his path, showing interest, etc. etc. etc. .

There are a couple of situations I think it would be BEST for the woman to actually be more bold and do the asking.

1. You told the guy at one time that you're not interested. If you've put down that gauntlet, only to want the same guy later, then the ball is in your court.

2. The guy is significantly older than you, but for some reason you feel like there might be some sort of connection. Many guys won't pursue a significantly younger lady due to various factors. So if a lady has this nagging feeling that won't go away about a guy who is significantly older, then she probably does need to be bold and pursue things, due to the guy's mentally constructed age boundaries in relation to what he pursues. The emphasis here is on the words "what he pursues". His lack of pursuit doesn't imply lack of interest, it could just indicate certain boundaries he's set in relation to "pursuing".

 

[wisebeardman]

Well, yeah, as long as her car loan agent has called her confirming that,
a) Mr.TowTruck is real, and b) she's busted on delinquent payments... LOL

Mr.TowTruck may very well payoff the girl's car at that point because he loves her so much! How's that?

Nope I am taking da car. those loansharks pay pretty good on a successful repo.

 

[wisebeardman]

1. You told the guy at one time or the other that you're not interested, and you just want to be friends. If you've put down that gauntlet, only to want the same guy later, then the ball is in your court.

wouldnt work on me. cause in my eyes she blew the chance when she said she was not interested. with me its one chance and one chance only. if I was to even make some sort of whatever to some chick and she rejects. she aint going to be crawling back to me after she has been passed around town. or popped out 2 or 3 kids by some other guy.

sounds harsh yes. but I am not paying for your mistakes and screw ups.