Dating/Marrying Someone with a History of Sexual Abuse.

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone:

I recently came across a statistic that says well over 70% of the population has, at some point, been a victim of sexual abuse. However, that stat was quite old (from the early 1990's) and I would have to guess that most stats like that are probably much higher in reality because many people are afraid to report what happens to them.

With numbers like this, it's very likely and possible that many of us are going to be dating and/or marrying people who are struggling with this type of abuse. Maybe one of the reasons God makes some of us wait so long is so that we can develop the character we need to help someone through these kinds of issues.

Despite my posts here in the Singles Forum (I enjoy reading many of the forums but don't feel smart enough to post in the Bible Forum, and I usually just read the Family Forum instead of posting), I've only had a few relationships and have limited dating experience.

However, I have, at different times, been interested in guys who later confided that they had been through these issues in the past. When I was 18, I had a boyfriend I loved so much and thought the best thing I could do in order to help (I had a sense of wanting to try to "make up" for the wrong that had been done against him) was to shower him with as much attention, gifts, etc. as I could possibly give. Over time, I've learned that this can actually feed unhealthy coping behaviors and if the person God has for me has been in this situation, I pray for the wisdom and patience needed for whatever lies ahead. People cope in different ways--some withdraw and push even their closest friends and family away, others become very clingy and co-dependent... and I think about how I would react to either or all of those responses.

What have your experiences been? How have you tried to help someone who has confided something like this to you? Would knowing that the person had been through this type of trauma stop you from dating him or her? And what do you plan to do if God has someone for you who is trying to cope with this?

I know many of us want to find that one special person. But maybe God is telling us... there a are a lot of other factors we have to be prepared for first. We all dream of love and roses and hearts and walks in the sunset (or maybe someone special to tailgate with at "the big game"), but how often do we think about the real nuts, bolts, and chaos that are a bigger part of the territory?

 

[Liam]

Don't get me started...

 

[kiwi_OT]

Don't get me started...

Did you date someone like this?
I admit, being a survivor of abuse myself I have certain amounts of luggage, but Im working hard to heal

 

[Meridoc]

I think it definitely depends on where they are in their healing process. If you as the bf/gf end up being more of a therapist than a bf/gf then I would say that person needs to spend some time getting on the healing path before pursuing a relationship. But if they are on the healing path, especially if God is a big part of their life and as such their healing, I have no problem with having a relationship with a person who has been through that.

 

[seoulsearch]

Did you date someone like this?
I admit, being a survivor of abuse myself I have certain amounts of luggage, but Im working hard to heal

Many kudos to you, Kiwi, for seeking God's help--I love how your compassion and open heart always show through in your posts.

And I do agree with Meridoc--I think he put it very well... that was my mistake in the past, trying to become more of a healer to the person than he would allow God to be.

Hoping to be stronger and smarter next time!

 

[Liam]

Liams rogue gallery Of ex-gfs are all messed up people who needed help. I had the biggest hero complex. Thing is once yOu help someone deal with all their crap they always wanna move on. I wouldn't recomend anyone try it. It's hard smiling at an airport as someone thanks you profusley and walks away to take back "thier" life. And they always do. They always love you and crawl back in need of support or answers but they never stay.

 

[seoulsearch]

Liams rogue gallery Of ex-gfs are all messed up people who needed help. I had the biggest hero complex. Thing is once yOu help someone deal with all their crap they always wanna move on. I wouldn't recomend anyone try it. It's hard smiling at an airport as someone thanks you profusley and walks away to take back "thier" life. And they always do. They always love you and crawl back in need of support or answers but they never stay.

Wow, Liam... you really summed it up very well and I can relate to what you're saying... especially the term "hero complex" (I suppose in my case it was more like being a nurse or personal shrink). And the part about people taking all you have to give and then always moving on, but keeping you "on hold" as a "back-up plan"... that about says it all. I'm sorry you've been treated this way.

Hope it's not to late to learn from mistakes in the past... and make better choices from now on (at least, that's what I hope for myself.)

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Not everyone uses others to heal...I sure didn't...I've dealt with things with the help of God. Sure people ask me about things, and I'll tell them. We develop a friendship first, and I'm not one to be the taker. I love to be the giver. I love to listen to others, relate to them if possible, and help them out. If I do have a problem, I do my best to keep it to myself...usually they notice though, and ''make'' me tell them what's wrong. So eventually I give in and talk about it. I'm mainly a giver though. Through faith, prayer, seeking God, etc. we are survivors not victims. We are strong, we are prepared, we can take anything, look it in the eyes so to speak, and be ready to overcome it. For Christ overcame the world. Not everyone, in fact, a small percentage of the total who are abused in sexual ways, mental, physical, emotional, verbal, and all DON'T turn into an abuser them self. Why? Because we know how bad it is. We don't want to see others suffer like we did. We seek to help others become survivors and not victims them self. It's extremely rude, disrespectful, wrong, unfair and much more to just judge, assume, and classify us like that just because you had however many bad experiences with those who are still victims, and haven't found healing yet. To all other fellow survivors, God bless you so much. Keep going, and making a difference. God bless everyone else as well.

 

[seoulsearch]

Not everyone uses others to heal...I sure didn't...I've dealt with things with the help of God. Sure people ask me about things, and I'll tell them. We develop a friendship first, and I'm not one to be the taker. I love to be the giver. I love to listen to others, relate to them if possible, and help them out. If I do have a problem, I do my best to keep it to myself...usually they notice though, and ''make'' me tell them what's wrong. So eventually I give in and talk about it. I'm mainly a giver though. Through faith, prayer, seeking God, etc. we are survivors not victims. We are strong, we are prepared, we can take anything, look it in the eyes so to speak, and be ready to overcome it. For Christ overcame the world. Not everyone, in fact, a small percentage of the total who are abused in sexual ways, mental, physical, emotional, verbal, and all DON'T turn into an abuser them self. Why? Because we know how bad it is. We don't want to see others suffer like we did. We seek to help others become survivors and not victims them self. It's extremely rude, disrespectful, wrong, unfair and much more to just judge, assume, and classify us like that just because you had however many bad experiences with those who are still victims, and haven't found healing yet. To all other fellow survivors, God bless you so much. Keep going, and making a difference. God bless everyone else as well.

I think it's wonderful that you've been so proactive in not only getting and receiving help and in helping others. I wish I would have realized this is the healthier way of going about God's path than what I have encountered or experienced in the past.

And if God has chosen someone for me who has been through these kinds of issues, I hope he's at the same point as you.

 

[seoulsearch]

Oh, and just to clarify, I think I coped with my own wounds in this area by always trying to give... but in an unhealthy way. God has done a lot to bring me closure and peace... by teaching me a very hard lesson of not only forgiving my own abusers, but also those of others.

I once knew someone who had told me what had happened in their life... and their abuser would sometimes come into where we worked. This person would always beg me to wait on them so they wouldn't have to.

The first time I couldn't even look at the person because in all honesty, I felt like throwing up. The second time, I prayed, "God, please help me, I can't do this, I'm fighting this horrible urge to slam my fist into this person's face and I know that's not what you'd want me to do." He told me, "Kim, I want you to look into their eyes and (silently) forgive them."

Believe me, I had to ask for A LOT of help in doing that because I felt like forgiving that person would be betraying my friend. But God has made me face similar situations like this over and over again... He tells me, "Even if they (the person who was abused) can't forgive yet, I want you to forgive," and it's HARD. It takes me a while and God really has to push me into it.

But in doing so, God also helped me forgive those in my own past as well.

 

[seoulsearch]

Not everyone uses others to heal...I sure didn't...I've dealt with things with the help of God. Sure people ask me about things, and I'll tell them. We develop a friendship first, and I'm not one to be the taker. I love to be the giver. I love to listen to others, relate to them if possible, and help them out. If I do have a problem, I do my best to keep it to myself...usually they notice though, and ''make'' me tell them what's wrong. So eventually I give in and talk about it. I'm mainly a giver though. Through faith, prayer, seeking God, etc. we are survivors not victims. We are strong, we are prepared, we can take anything, look it in the eyes so to speak, and be ready to overcome it. For Christ overcame the world. Not everyone, in fact, a small percentage of the total who are abused in sexual ways, mental, physical, emotional, verbal, and all DON'T turn into an abuser them self. Why? Because we know how bad it is. We don't want to see others suffer like we did. We seek to help others become survivors and not victims them self. It's extremely rude, disrespectful, wrong, unfair and much more to just judge, assume, and classify us like that just because you had however many bad experiences with those who are still victims, and haven't found healing yet. To all other fellow survivors, God bless you so much. Keep going, and making a difference. God bless everyone else as well.

Stand Up--I also just wanted to sincerely apologize to you and anyone else who may think I've somehow stereotyped anyone who has been through this as a bitter emotional vampire who tries to suck the life out of anyone who tries to care for them. I am sincerely sorry for coming across that way and also want to apologize to anyone out there I may have offended.

I also DO NOT want to make anyone feel as if they have to be completely healed in order for someone to love them!!! We are all at different stages and God may send some of us someone right away and others of us may have to wait.

I don't know if it was some kind of denial or what, but I never saw myself as a victim because I had always believed the things I went through were because I had made my own bad decisions. I have a very strong heart for anyone who is going through this and pray that God will help, comfort, and send the right people (counselors, pastors, friends, and, if He sees fit, significant others) into their lives to help them.

Actually... that's one of my dreams... to marry someone with a heart for these issues too so that together we can hopefully help other people who have been through this and give them hope that God can heal them and bring them into a healthy relationship.

 

[Liam]

Thats really admirable soul.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Seoul, honey...You didn't come across like that at all...I was just saying things in general and also in response to Liam's comments about how people have just basically used him...I do apologize for the confusion, and hope that what I said, and how it was said didn't seem rude or anything...it wasn't meant to be.... I understand the struggles you had as well Seoul....I think in all honesty, every survivor has at some point or another done the same things, thought the same things, and felt the same things. Oh yes, as for the 70% thing...I'd say it's way higher today. There's just as many boys/guys/men that have suffered such things as well. I must say that's one reason there's so many homosexuals out there these days...a lot have been delivered already, and more are to come I'm sure....they just haven't connected with God,and allowed the healing and deliverance process to begin.

Liam: I hope I didn't offend you or upset you, I most certainly didn't mean for that to happen. I'm just VERY passionate and defensive about those who have been there is all. We're so misunderstood, so underestimated, labeled, etc. Most assume we're going to be abusers ourselves...they assume we have horrible effects we live with and take out on others on a daily basis, and so on. We might have struggles at times, but I wouldn't call them ''horrible effects'' for they are actually GOOD. You see, they draw us closer to God, our faith grows, we mature in Him, rely on Him more....if you(you in general) look around, those closest to, most mature, and most serious about their walk and relationship with Christ, are indeed those that have been through so much in life....anywhere from 5-8 or9 out of every 10 have been a victim at some point, and are now survivors of sexual abuse...or some form at least.

Okay I'll stop now, sorry, I just felt I really had to get this out there. God bless everyone!

 

[seoulsearch]

Stand Up--thanks so much--I'd hate to have added insult to injury to someone who was going through this so I'm glad you weren't offended.

I also agree with you 100% that probably just as many men are dealing with this as women. And I think with men, there is a unique angle to their pain because 1. society expects them to take care of themselves AND a wife AND a family on top of it all; 2. most men get slammed for showing their true emotions at all, let alone pain, loss, and asking someone for help (which anyone, male or female, needs), so it's bad enough that women feel they can't tell anyone, but I'll bet at least twice as many men REALLY feel they can never tell someone, and 3. I also wonder what it's like being a man... and then having to go to God for acceptance and help when God identifies Himself with a male reference (even though we know God is completely beyond gender) because there is such a stigma about men even having close same-gender friendships, let alone going to a God who identifies Himself to us as male.

This is why I wanted to be a psychologist--I wanted to help people especially who were struggling in this area--but I got frustrated with all the legalism, red tape, and hoops you had to jump through.

For anyone reading this who may be afraid to speak out, please keep seeking God for help and encouragement, and I pray He brings the right people into your life. For all you women, I pray God will help you find your self-worth again and the courage to really love who you were made to be. And for you guys out there, please don't feel like it was your fault or that you didn't do enough to defend yourself--don't let the devil make you question who you are as a man, and know that there are women out there who will understand and accept you even though it may not feel like it. I pray that you will find someone to help you through and I'm sorry for all you've been put through.

I was hurt, bitter, and angry to the point of breaking (wanting to severely and violently hurt, if not kill a boyfriend) and if God can help me, He can surely help you too.

God bless and NEVER give up!

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Awwww Seoul, how wonderful you are! May God bless you so much! I couldn't agree more. Men are so afraid to show emotions of any kind, due to the way society has made ''men laws'' and things. Okay well first of all those 'guy rules' or whatever, they don't matter as it is....let alone when you aren't even around other men! I can understand being strong around fellow men, but when it's you and a female friend, girlfriend, or wife it shouldn't matter. I tell you what, if there was a study done, and the men were totally honest, 9 out of 10 would say they DO cry, and they DO show emotions around fellow men.

I understand that feeling though, I was always the adult, the strong one, the one with no childhood basically. everyone relies on you, and expects you to be there for them. Be strong, don't cry, have this very tough exterior about you, and even inside the heart. Well God says not to have a hardened heart...that goes for men and women as well. I understand how humiliating things are...I grew up as a ''tomboy'' I wasn't into girlie things at all lol! I personally will admit to this, I rather a man be a true man and show emotions than to pretend nothing ever bothers him. If they act like that, you KNOW they're being fake. I hate fake people, they drive me up the wall.

Even Jesus showed emotions,He wept so many times. I'm sure He's crying looking down on this earth, as He sits on the right hand side of the Father.

*sigh* I have soooooooo much I could say on this topic...but it would be like books of stuff to read really... so I'll just stop for now. God bless.

 

[Liam]

I wasn't offended. Don't stress.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

okay so I googled some info....

How prevalent is child sexual abuse?
There are more than sixty million survivors of child sexual abuse in the United States alone.

What are the signs that someone is a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Lack of trust, unusual fears, withdrawal, low self-worth, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, irritability, rage, drug or alcohol use, anxiety, prolonged depression, nightmares, excessive worry about dying or loved ones dying, insomnia, becoming recluse, sexual dysfunction, unnecessary guilt, psychosomatic symptoms, spaciness, and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder give evidence that a person may have been sexually abused. One or two of these symptoms in an individual does not necessarily mean they were abused. However, if a person has many of these indicators then the probability exists that they have a traumatic past of some kind.

This is just a bit of info....not everyone has these issues, and if they do, not so serious. At one point in life, YES it was that bad for every single victim really. At times yes those things can still come up later in life. Again, I say it's a matter of control over things, and not letting them control that person.

 

[Liam]

I'm just going to out and saybthis.... I want sex to be fun and passionate. I want breathing and heaving and laughing and GOOD. Sexual baggage is just.... It ruins everything. Crying after or using troubles past to just lay there like a starfish is also pretty gay.

I know some girls are shy or freightened but that's diffrent, they should get used to it most abuse victims use their experience for sympathy and attention and do never desk with it and move on. At least that's my experience.

--prepares for verbal flaming--

 

[Liam]

Never deal with it.... Pffft desk with it... Another wonderful gift from the iPhone autospell checker

 

[seoulsearch]

I do understand your point and I think that's what most people want--a relationship in which the most personal moments are shared, fun, special, and bonding... but I also think, and I could be off on this, that a lot of women especially who have been through this, might act that way because yeah, they're honestly terrified (maybe the guys too, because the poor guys are expected to know everything, not just for themselves, but for their wives as well) and/or they're used to people not believing them and/or overlooking what they've been through, so sometimes even getting someone to listen is an accomplishment. There are times when yes, some people use their pain as manipulation... but as far as how to help people get past their fears, anger, and hurts to have a marriage that God intended... that still seems to be the big question.