Christian jokes!!

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I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#1
#1
Remember, they are Christian, so they are funny and clean!!

I'll start :)

Why do Christian men loves their wives?
Because God said in the bible "Love your enemy" :eek:

A daughter told her father that she really loves this man and that he'll come to meet him to ask for her hands. So the father met with the man and said "So tell me son, do you have a job?" the man said "No Sir, but God will provide" So the father asked him, "How are you gonna provide for your family?" the man said, "I don't know Sir, but God will provide" So the father said to the man, "Do you have money at all?" the man said, "No Sir, but God will provide" So the father asked the man, "Aren't you planning on buying a ring for my daughter?" the man said, "No Sir, but God will provide"
So the father went back home n' saw his wife and his daughter who asked him, "So, how did it go???" The father looked at his wife and daughter and said, "Nothing, but he thinks I'm God!!!!!" :rolleyes:

Next!! :D
 
Descyple

Descyple

Senior Member
#2
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
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48
#2
Question: What do you have left when you remove a group of Catholics from a room with Martin Luther in it?

Answer: Faith alone.


(Note: I wrote that joke not against Catholics, it's just my theological funny-bone running amuck!!!).
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#3
#3
See I knew you're the BEST to save this thread in particular!! that was really a good one Descyple.:D You wanna thank God I am not Catholic. :p
 
Descyple

Descyple

Senior Member
#4
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
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#4
Thanks Neeveen. I'm glad I could help your thread.

Here is a joke I wrote for my fellow-Baptists:


Question: When is the only time Baptists won't "immerse" themselves in water?

Answer: When the deacons are bloated from over-eating at the weekly church-committee meeting, and the "sprinkling" rain outside will suffice.
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#5
#5
OK, that applies to my Coptic Orthodox church as well because we do baptizem by immerse in water as well. So now you're in trouble. :p
 
Descyple

Descyple

Senior Member
#6
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
48
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#6
IloveyouGod said:
OK, that applies to my Coptic Orthodox church as well because we do baptizem by immerse in water as well. So now you're in trouble. :p
Click to expand...
Oh no, I've upset the "Coptic" branch of the church. I better run and hide, but where? I know, I'll hide in one of their church bell-towers: they'll never look for a Baptist in there!!!

That leads to my next joke:


Question: What happens when you lock up a Baptist in a Coptic Orthodox church bell-tower???

Answer: The Baptist turns the bell upside down, fills it with water to use as a baptismal tank, and threatens to baptize the ravens who'll come to feed him into the Baptist denomination!!!
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#7
#7
Gush!!! I really like that last one!! :D

OK, here's one for you:

A boy was so bad at math. His parents tried hard with him, but he always fails. They took him to a Catholic school to learn math. On his first day of school he came home so sad AND with A+ in math. His parents didn't understand what happened??!!!! So they asked him how did this BIG change happen??? So he said, when I walked in and saw this plus sign with this man hanging on it, I didn't know math was so dramatic like that!!! :rolleyes:
 
Descyple

Descyple

Senior Member
#8
Jun 7, 2010
3,023
48
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#8
Kids say the darndest things!!!

Speaking of baptism, here is the greatest baptism of all time, performed by the great Mexican wrestler Nacho Libre!!!

[video=youtube;GL2Cq0jxq8A]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GL2Cq0jxq8A[/video]
 
F

Fishbait

Guest
#9
#9
When I was a young Christian man I dreaded going to Vietnam. One day while walking home from work I noticed the Military Police parked in front of my house. I had refused to fill out a draft card and now they were here to take me to Vietnam! One of them glanced up and pointed at me as I took off down the street. They came after me waving their clubs in the air and shouting for me to stop. I ran into town and noticed a Catholic Nun standing in front her church. I was gasping for air as I asked her, "Sister the Military Police are after me and want to take me to Vietnam. Can I hide under your habit?" She lifted up her habit and motioned for me to get under it. Soon the Military Police came running by with fire in their eyes and clubs at the ready to give me a good beating before taking me to Vietnam. They soon passed by and the Nun whispered softly, "You can come out now young man they've gone".

I crawled out from under her habit and thanked her for hiding me. I wanted no part of Vietnam. She told me, "No problem young man". While I was up under her habit I noticed something that confused me. I mentioned this to her in a nice way when I said, "Sister while I was up under your habit I saw what appeared to be manly body parts." She quickly replied, "You saw right young man I don't want to go to Vietnam either."
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#10
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
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#10
IloveyouGod said:
Gush!!! I really like that last one!! :D

OK, here's one for you:

A boy was so bad at math. His parents tried hard with him, but he always fails. They took him to a Catholic school to learn math. On his first day of school he came home so sad AND with A+ in math. His parents didn't understand what happened??!!!! So they asked him how did this BIG change happen??? So he said, when I walked in and saw this plus sign with this man hanging on it, I didn't know math was so dramatic like that!!! :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
I had to re-read that like 4 times but I think I finally got it! :) Its a little bit sad though. :(
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#13
#13
Not sure. Whether this or the scene of Jesus Christ hanging up there dramatized him. It's a joke, you don't have to get down to its details too much anyway. :D
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#14
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
4,268
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#14
IloveyouGod said:
Not sure. Whether this or the scene of Jesus Christ hanging up there dramatized him. It's a joke, you don't have to get down to its details too much anyway. :D
Click to expand...
Oh ok you mean traumatized, like mentally scarred. Dramatized just means like a school play. :rolleyes:
 
B

BananaPie

Guest
#15
#15
Q. How many Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. ...uh... change?
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#16
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
4,268
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#16
Ok I have a christian joke. The women here might not like it, but its not meant to be offensive or anything.. and I didn't write it anyway. :p

After God saw that Job remained faithful after being tested and having everything he loved taken away from Him, God was so pleased with Job that He offered to give Job anything he wanted. Anything at all. Job thought for a minute then said he would like God to build a bridge to Hawaii from where they were so he could take his family there whenever they felt like going. God thought for awhile and then told Job that it would be impossible even for God to build a bridge like that which had to be engineered to withstand the storms of the ocean and have trusses reaching thousands of feet to the bottom of the sea. So God said is there anything else you would like instead? Job answered yes, I've always wanted to understand women. God thought about it for awhile and then said to Job.. did you want that bridge to be two lanes or four? :rolleyes:
 
B

BananaPie

Guest
#17
#17
One sunny day, God and Adam where visiting together in the Garden of Eden.

Adam: ...so, Lord God, how much would it cost me to have a happy, obedient, loyal, female companion? A beautiful housewife who is a good cook, a docile homemaker too?

God: Well, son, that would cost you an arm, a leg and an eye.

Adam: ...hmm? I that case, what can a get for a rib? :)
 
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I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#19
#19
Yeah, I got that one!! :eek:


BananaPie said:
One sunny day, God and Adam where visiting together in the Garden of Eden.

Adam: ...so, Lord God, how much would it cost me to have a happy, obedient, loyal, female companion? A beautiful housewife who is a good cook, a docile homemaker too?

God: Well, son, that would cost you an arm, a leg and an eye.

Adam: ...hmm? I that case, what can a get for a rib? :)
Click to expand...
 
B

BananaPie

Guest
#20
#20
Q. Why do Baptists abstain from hugging & kissing before marriage?

A. Because it leads to dancing.
 
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