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I am seeking advice on a relationship. So, about six weeks ago, a sister of a good friend of mine, started expressing romantic interest in me. I have known her sister for about four years, but I just met her for the first time a few months ago. She's a great girl, does social work, owns her own house, attractive, popular (she was head cheerleader in high school), all the good stuff anyone could want. Both her parents have PhDs and both are ministers. She was raised in a Christian home. She has committed her life to Jesus, is charismatic (speaks in tongues), and tithes regularly.
She connected with me on Facebook and wanted to hang out. I was definitely cool with hanging out and spending time to get to know her. When friends and I would go out on the weekend, I would invite her. We would all have a great time. She then expressed she wanted to go out with me one on one. We started doing that and would have a great time going out on the weekends. But, when we would discuss family and relationship matters, we always clash. There are a lot of little things that she has that are red flags, but I’m trying to get over them.
From the above, it sounds like she has taken the lead in the relationship. How do you feel about this? Would you have been interested in her had she not pursued you?
She has tattoos. For me, tattoos are a sign of rebelliousness. They are small ones that can be covered up, so I can get over that. She swears a lot and is pretty materialistic.
Swearing a lot doesn't indicate a committed life to Jesus.
Anyone can SAY they are committed to Christ. It's actions you have to look for. Behavior. Just something to think about.
As she says, she doesn’t look at price tags. If she likes it, she gets it. Mind you, she is a social worker. We are both in our thirties and she has stated she didn’t want to be pregnant all of her thirties and didn’t want a baby/babies to ruin her figure.
This is something you should both be on the same page about, but I would be a little concerned about how much she values her beauty. If you want children, and to raise a family, this isn't a very good sign. If she doesn't want to have children, that's fine, but make sure you are going to be okay with that in the long-term. Things like this could cause a lot of strain on the relationship later, and you are marrying for life. Your children will likely adopt her mindset about beauty as well, so keep that in mind.
If we could afford a surrogate, she would probably like that option. She’s pro-choice and has gay friends. One of her best friends is a woman who is active in her church and sings in the choir, but is a lesbian. She wants a lesbian to be a godmother to our children. These are red flags, but I don’t think they are deal breakers, because one can mature and grow out that mindset.
I would be very careful here. She COULD change her mind, but she may not, and the safest and most probable conclusion is that she will not change. ARE YOU okay with having a lesbian godmother for your children? If you want to continue this relationship, you must be okay with that. Are you okay with your children growing up pro-choice and being taught that homosexuality is God-approved? Because chances are they will grow up with their mother's beliefs.
But the biggest issue is meeting her emotional needs. I’m from a conservative Christian background so I’m trying to figure out how to do this in a biblical manner. She wants to kiss (on the lips), cuddle on the couch and/or bed, and be alone in private having dinner or watching movies at her house or mine. I’ve made it clear that there is no sexual activity until marriage. She is ok with that, but is looking to develop intimacy. The way she wants to do that seems unbiblical and gives a lot of room for temptation.
You both need to be in agreement AND willing to help one another avoid temptation, or it simply won't work. If she's to be your wife, she must accept your convictions. What you are seeing now is what you will be seeing for the rest of your life with her. (How does she deal with disagreements on things like this? The way she is dealing with this particular issue is how she will likely deal with most issues in your marriage. Will she accept your convictions and help you to keep them? Will she adopt them for herself? Or will she undermine them? What sort of wife do you want? One that will build you up, or break you down? Be careful.)
Also, for her the biggest way to build intimacy is through praying together. I’m okay with this, but I think it would be limited.
When I share articles about Christian dating, she thinking I’m trying to be controlling and being emotionally abusive.
Do you feel that her accusations are unfounded? If so, step back! If she will not let you lead spiritually... if she is not willing to take the passenger seat in this - or even worse, is HOSTILE to your attempts to lead, then your marriage is already ruined.
She has hinted at being hurt or traumatize in the past and I think that’s why she is seeking intimacy. She is very emotional and cries about this, but I don’t want to do anything unbiblical.
I'm sorry she appears to be hurting... This is hard for you both I am sure. I believe she may need to get herself sorted out before entering into a healthy relationship. If nothing else, she may need time to address whatever it is she is struggling with from her past, and work on it with the Lord.
Any thoughts on what I should do? Should I continue this relationship?
You aren't going to like what I say probably, but I would end it now. There are many godly women out there looking for a husband like you, and I can already envision many many problems with this woman if you were to marry. I see that you already know this, based on your post. From the way you speak, it sounds like you probably wouldn't have chosen this woman for yourself. Blessings to you as you make a difficult choice, brother.
She connected with me on Facebook and wanted to hang out. I was definitely cool with hanging out and spending time to get to know her. When friends and I would go out on the weekend, I would invite her. We would all have a great time. She then expressed she wanted to go out with me one on one. We started doing that and would have a great time going out on the weekends. But, when we would discuss family and relationship matters, we always clash. There are a lot of little things that she has that are red flags, but I’m trying to get over them.
From the above, it sounds like she has taken the lead in the relationship. How do you feel about this? Would you have been interested in her had she not pursued you?
She has tattoos. For me, tattoos are a sign of rebelliousness. They are small ones that can be covered up, so I can get over that. She swears a lot and is pretty materialistic.
Swearing a lot doesn't indicate a committed life to Jesus.
Anyone can SAY they are committed to Christ. It's actions you have to look for. Behavior. Just something to think about.As she says, she doesn’t look at price tags. If she likes it, she gets it. Mind you, she is a social worker. We are both in our thirties and she has stated she didn’t want to be pregnant all of her thirties and didn’t want a baby/babies to ruin her figure.
This is something you should both be on the same page about, but I would be a little concerned about how much she values her beauty. If you want children, and to raise a family, this isn't a very good sign. If she doesn't want to have children, that's fine, but make sure you are going to be okay with that in the long-term. Things like this could cause a lot of strain on the relationship later, and you are marrying for life. Your children will likely adopt her mindset about beauty as well, so keep that in mind.
If we could afford a surrogate, she would probably like that option. She’s pro-choice and has gay friends. One of her best friends is a woman who is active in her church and sings in the choir, but is a lesbian. She wants a lesbian to be a godmother to our children. These are red flags, but I don’t think they are deal breakers, because one can mature and grow out that mindset.
I would be very careful here. She COULD change her mind, but she may not, and the safest and most probable conclusion is that she will not change. ARE YOU okay with having a lesbian godmother for your children? If you want to continue this relationship, you must be okay with that. Are you okay with your children growing up pro-choice and being taught that homosexuality is God-approved? Because chances are they will grow up with their mother's beliefs.
But the biggest issue is meeting her emotional needs. I’m from a conservative Christian background so I’m trying to figure out how to do this in a biblical manner. She wants to kiss (on the lips), cuddle on the couch and/or bed, and be alone in private having dinner or watching movies at her house or mine. I’ve made it clear that there is no sexual activity until marriage. She is ok with that, but is looking to develop intimacy. The way she wants to do that seems unbiblical and gives a lot of room for temptation.
You both need to be in agreement AND willing to help one another avoid temptation, or it simply won't work. If she's to be your wife, she must accept your convictions. What you are seeing now is what you will be seeing for the rest of your life with her. (How does she deal with disagreements on things like this? The way she is dealing with this particular issue is how she will likely deal with most issues in your marriage. Will she accept your convictions and help you to keep them? Will she adopt them for herself? Or will she undermine them? What sort of wife do you want? One that will build you up, or break you down? Be careful.)
Also, for her the biggest way to build intimacy is through praying together. I’m okay with this, but I think it would be limited.
When I share articles about Christian dating, she thinking I’m trying to be controlling and being emotionally abusive.
Do you feel that her accusations are unfounded? If so, step back! If she will not let you lead spiritually... if she is not willing to take the passenger seat in this - or even worse, is HOSTILE to your attempts to lead, then your marriage is already ruined.
She has hinted at being hurt or traumatize in the past and I think that’s why she is seeking intimacy. She is very emotional and cries about this, but I don’t want to do anything unbiblical.
I'm sorry she appears to be hurting... This is hard for you both I am sure. I believe she may need to get herself sorted out before entering into a healthy relationship. If nothing else, she may need time to address whatever it is she is struggling with from her past, and work on it with the Lord.
Any thoughts on what I should do? Should I continue this relationship?
You aren't going to like what I say probably, but I would end it now. There are many godly women out there looking for a husband like you, and I can already envision many many problems with this woman if you were to marry. I see that you already know this, based on your post. From the way you speak, it sounds like you probably wouldn't have chosen this woman for yourself. Blessings to you as you make a difficult choice, brother.
laurens,
i have no doubt that you've found a girl that has lots of neat qualities and things you value. that's only muddying the issue, however.
i think you have a choice to make.
you can choose to pursue something with her, and acknowledge to yourself that she's given you lots of evidence to expect a relationship that might not be based upon the christian values you desire and want for your life. it sounds like you've got someone who by the world's standards is a great catch. so please don't expect that your relationship won't be largely driven by qualities that the world values.
all of your red flags are things that you are wisely recognizing and being convicted by. i think you already know that this relationship isn't a good idea.
i can honestly say, i've been in very similar shoes that you are standing in. and it's VERY hard to let go of someone who you can see so much potential in, especially once you've become attached. the problem is, they are only a good fit because you see who they COULD be, and that's not who they are today. and longing for a different version of the same person is only going to set you up for massive disappointment.
of all the things you did share about her opinions, i would expect there will be many more opinions and views she will have based upon similar, worldly-acceptable conclusions.
do you really want to be yoked with someone who appears to have a lukewarm faith, at best (or so it would appear)?
finally, i want to share a bit of encouragement. sometimes God uses people in our lives to help us sharpen our focus, and clarify our priorities. in my own similar experience (referenced above) i believe God used this man to help me realize that i needed a man with a true, deep abiding faith. He showed me that even in church i could find a guy who called himself a "strong christian" but was in fact, lukewarm. God showed me all of the obstacles and uncomfortable situations we would face together, and that i would constantly be compromising myself for the sake of harmony. he gave me a taste of what i had to decide wasn't for me.
however, he was a great guy with a good job and fun personality. we had a lot in common, and i enjoyed his company, as long as we avoided the (many) subjects we didn't see eye to eye on.
right for someone else, but not for me. i can't help but wonder what God may be revealing to you through this relationship.
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L
True, she is the one who pursued. When I first met her, I thought she was very nice and very sociable. I wouldn’t have pursued her because I didn’t know her. I met her once at an event her sister was hosting. Then when I was inviting her sister to my birthday dinner, I asked her to invite her sister. The more, the merrier! She is fun to be around and take to events as “arm candy.” But, I want more than arm candy and friend. I need a wife!
True. She talks about Jesus one minute and then the next minute the f-bomb or s-bomb comes out. When we had our first really bad fight, she told me God told her to connect with me and that I’m the one for her. I told her I don’t think God spoke to her. She said that really hurt her and she doesn’t feel safe to tell me anything. But, I told her if God is talking or working through you, why doesn’t he correct your liberalism and swearing. Well, that didn’t go over to well.
That is a big concern for me. I don’t have a problem with people who live alternative lifestyles. I believe in religious freedom and free will. However, that doesn’t mean I have to be involved. In case something should happen to me, I would want my children to be safe in the hands of bible believing Christians.
I feel her feelings are very unfounded. I want to work with her and share why I think something is wrong or unbiblical. She says I’m being judgmental and holier-than-thou. I should just accept people for who they are and not judge. She says she is willing to let me lead, but trust my judgment, but then she turns around and gets emotional and defensive.
Swearing a lot doesn't indicate a committed life to Jesus.
Anyone can SAY they are committed to Christ. It's actions you have to look for. Behavior. Just something to think about.
True. She talks about Jesus one minute and then the next minute the f-bomb or s-bomb comes out. When we had our first really bad fight, she told me God told her to connect with me and that I’m the one for her. I told her I don’t think God spoke to her. She said that really hurt her and she doesn’t feel safe to tell me anything. But, I told her if God is talking or working through you, why doesn’t he correct your liberalism and swearing. Well, that didn’t go over to well.
That is a big concern for me. I don’t have a problem with people who live alternative lifestyles. I believe in religious freedom and free will. However, that doesn’t mean I have to be involved. In case something should happen to me, I would want my children to be safe in the hands of bible believing Christians.
I feel her feelings are very unfounded. I want to work with her and share why I think something is wrong or unbiblical. She says I’m being judgmental and holier-than-thou. I should just accept people for who they are and not judge. She says she is willing to let me lead, but trust my judgment, but then she turns around and gets emotional and defensive.
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sadly, i think i've met people somewhat like that.
they're trying to mash together two worlds, and serving two masters.
values that are highly influenced by the world, while still having strong ties to the upbringing that one might have received.
they love the concept of christian faith, and regard themselves as christians, but their closest friends are liberally minded people whose faith (if they have one) is a man-made faith to suit the purposes of the world.
sadly, i know some non-christians (or questionable christians) who've talked about the value of prayer more than some christians i've known.
i'm just not sure who they are praying to.
just saying...
but i will say, i'm not sure why the poster has reluctance regarding prayer. i don't get that...
they're trying to mash together two worlds, and serving two masters.
values that are highly influenced by the world, while still having strong ties to the upbringing that one might have received.
they love the concept of christian faith, and regard themselves as christians, but their closest friends are liberally minded people whose faith (if they have one) is a man-made faith to suit the purposes of the world.
sadly, i know some non-christians (or questionable christians) who've talked about the value of prayer more than some christians i've known.
i'm just not sure who they are praying to.
just saying...
but i will say, i'm not sure why the poster has reluctance regarding prayer. i don't get that...
clearly, laurens, she has revealed herself to you. she is showing you where she lies on issues of faith and what her priorities are.
for whatever reason, you are not choosing to believe what she is telling you.
there is a big difference between accepting others' life choices and choosing them for yourself, as you stated. we as christians are not called to embrace other's life choices so that we can be more accepting of others, right? we're warned that we cannot serve two masters.
by the way, i find it interesting that she is using the same arguments that non-christians use against christians who don't agree with their values.
in your case, you're contemplating the notion of being yoked with someone who has (from all appearances) used every communication method available to her (based upon your own description) to tell you that she isn't on the same page.
she has very different ideas of how faith will play out in her life choices.
she will never follow where you lead, because she doesn't want to go to the same place you're heading. she's living her life following another direction. that's her choice.
you need to accept her for who she is, as she is today and compromise your expectations, or accept that she isn't there, today. and may never be there, for that matter. don't torture yourself by playing that game of focusing on who she could potentially become.
for whatever reason, you are not choosing to believe what she is telling you.
there is a big difference between accepting others' life choices and choosing them for yourself, as you stated. we as christians are not called to embrace other's life choices so that we can be more accepting of others, right? we're warned that we cannot serve two masters.
by the way, i find it interesting that she is using the same arguments that non-christians use against christians who don't agree with their values.
in your case, you're contemplating the notion of being yoked with someone who has (from all appearances) used every communication method available to her (based upon your own description) to tell you that she isn't on the same page.
she has very different ideas of how faith will play out in her life choices.
she will never follow where you lead, because she doesn't want to go to the same place you're heading. she's living her life following another direction. that's her choice.
you need to accept her for who she is, as she is today and compromise your expectations, or accept that she isn't there, today. and may never be there, for that matter. don't torture yourself by playing that game of focusing on who she could potentially become.
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I'm going to be really honest and blunt. I think you're sticking around and hoping this relationship will work out because of possible sex you'd have after you're married. You're doing what women do when we've overly attached ourselves to a man who isn't emotionally fulfilling. Women stick around and hope (or try) for change; you're playing the same game. You may not be aware of the reason you decided to get to know her better, but in my semi-professional opinion, you're sticking around for future sexual rewards.
We as people tend to latch onto others because we think someone like them won't come around again. There are MANY women who would fit the criteria you have. It's just a matter of finding them.
We as people tend to latch onto others because we think someone like them won't come around again. There are MANY women who would fit the criteria you have. It's just a matter of finding them.
I
Those who struggles has to realize what they're doing is wrong n' admit it is wrong n' try to stop it. They may or may not fail. But if a person is doing something wrong n' they don't wanna admit it is wrong but rather continuing their lives doing it while being defensive when someone tries to help them, then that person is being wrong and stubborn and the person won't change unless THEY themselves realize their mistake and decide to change.
There's a saying that says don't flirt and convert. What you see is what you will get. You should thank God who is showing you now who this girl really is before it's too late!!
There's a saying that says don't flirt and convert. What you see is what you will get. You should thank God who is showing you now who this girl really is before it's too late!!
R
Based on everything I've read... this sounds kinda like my ex. :/ Like you said, she is still probably struggling to get over a past relationship or past hurts... But from what I am seeing, she is seeking you to fulfill those needs/desires instead of turning to the Lord. And she is using the Lord as a way to make you stick around. Point her to Christ, and not to yourself. My ex was basically exactly like this in many ways too (from what you've shared anyways), except he was a guy. In the long run, I realized that he could never learn to only depend on Christ Alone because he used relationships and other people to fill the void instead of completely trusting in God. I think you would do her a favor in continually pointing her to Christ and connecting her with a strong female Christian who can help her grow spiritually. And if Christ is what she really desires, she will seek Him and not be offended by your offer. Then maybe, in the long run, maybe you guys could be together if she continued on the narrow path.
U
Well, for one i view tattoos differently, having a couple and wanting more. Though, i am not a fan of women with tattoos, not for spiritual reasons, but for how i view them.
Also your standards on kissing are higher than mine.j
I'm not saying you're wrong on these issues. If you feel this is right, then you need to stick with these standards. Just that i see them differently is all.
Also your standards on kissing are higher than mine.j
I'm not saying you're wrong on these issues. If you feel this is right, then you need to stick with these standards. Just that i see them differently is all.
P
You need to find the church of Christ the closest to both of you.
Tell her up front there is problems. Both of you go and study with elders from the church of Christ if you both can agree and be converted. Do things bible ways. You should make a wonderful husband and Wife.
That would be the ONLY way I would give you any advice.
Question: Are you expecting her to be a virgin? You can forget that. This don't sound like her first Roedo.
Tell her up front there is problems. Both of you go and study with elders from the church of Christ if you both can agree and be converted. Do things bible ways. You should make a wonderful husband and Wife.
That would be the ONLY way I would give you any advice.
Question: Are you expecting her to be a virgin? You can forget that. This don't sound like her first Roedo.
J
Marriage is tough enough when you DO have common beliefs and expectations of one another. When we are smacked that hard with so many red flags, it's a no brainer for me.
We want to believe that love conquers all. God's certainly does, but man's version thereof doesn't have a fantastic track record in situations where you are this far apart in your beliefs. You MIGHT be able to "make it work", but it doesn't sound as if you feel you are equally yoked with this woman. That's a scriptural no-no for a reason.
P.S. - the aspirin comment was priceless
We want to believe that love conquers all. God's certainly does, but man's version thereof doesn't have a fantastic track record in situations where you are this far apart in your beliefs. You MIGHT be able to "make it work", but it doesn't sound as if you feel you are equally yoked with this woman. That's a scriptural no-no for a reason.
P.S. - the aspirin comment was priceless