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Thread: Should I continue a relationship or not?

  1. #1
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    Default Should I continue a relationship or not?

    I am seeking advice on a relationship. So, about six weeks ago, a sister of a good friend of mine, started expressing romantic interest in me. I have known her sister for about four years, but I just met her for the first time a few months ago. She's a great girl, does social work, owns her own house, attractive, popular (she was head cheerleader in high school), all the good stuff anyone could want. Both her parents have PhDs and both are ministers. She was raised in a Christian home. She has committed her life to Jesus, is charismatic (speaks in tongues), and tithes regularly.

    She connected with me on Facebook and wanted to hang out. I was definitely cool with hanging out and spending time to get to know her. When friends and I would go out on the weekend, I would invite her. We would all have a great time. She then expressed she wanted to go out with me one on one. We started doing that and would have a great time going out on the weekends. But, when we would discuss family and relationship matters, we always clash. There are a lot of little things that she has that are red flags, but I’m trying to get over them.

    She has tattoos. For me, tattoos are a sign of rebelliousness. They are small ones that can be covered up, so I can get over that. She swears a lot and is pretty materialistic. As she says, she doesn’t look at price tags. If she likes it, she gets it. Mind you, she is a social worker. We are both in our thirties and she has stated she didn’t want to be pregnant all of her thirties and didn’t want a baby/babies to ruin her figure. If we could afford a surrogate, she would probably like that option. She’s pro-choice and has gay friends. One of her best friends is a woman who is active in her church and sings in the choir, but is a lesbian. She wants a lesbian to be a godmother to our children. These are red flags, but I don’t think they are deal breakers, because one can mature and grow out that mindset.

    But the biggest issue is meeting her emotional needs. I’m from a conservative Christian background so I’m trying to figure out how to do this in a biblical manner. She wants to kiss (on the lips), cuddle on the couch and/or bed, and be alone in private having dinner or watching movies at her house or mine. I’ve made it clear that there is no sexual activity until marriage. She is ok with that, but is looking to develop intimacy. The way she wants to do that seems unbiblical and gives a lot of room for temptation. Also, for her the biggest way to build intimacy is through praying together. I’m okay with this, but I think it would be limited. When I share articles about Christian dating, she thinking I’m trying to be controlling and being emotionally abusive. She has hinted at being hurt or traumatize in the past and I think that’s why she is seeking intimacy. She is very emotional and cries about this, but I don’t want to do anything unbiblical.

    Any thoughts on what I should do? Should I continue this relationship?


    Laurens
    Last edited by Laurens; March 19th, 2014 at 03:25 PM.

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    Senior Member CatHerder's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    maybe you should date the sister that you have been friends with for a while instead.

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    One does not simply "Get over" red flags. They're called red flags for a reason. To bring to your attention that something isn't right. Granted no one is perfect, but where does one draw the line?

    You need to ask yourself, "Can I really handle this for the next 40+ years of my life?"

    If she's swearing a lot, very materialistic, and an irresponsible steward of her money, that's going to end up really hurting the marriage. You could get into A LOT of debt, you might start picking up her swearing behavior (the Bible says the two will become one for a reason), and if she's used to getting her way and you say no, what then?

    She may be just a Christian by name (though I can't judge that myself). You need to look at the fruits she's bearing. Are they good fruits? Or are they just straight up rotten? My guess is they're rotten. Once again though, I can't judge that myself.

    Ask God to open your eyes when you do this, because love can be blind. You really don't want that.
    Hope is what we crave,
    And that will never change
    So I stand and wait
    I need a drop of grace
    To carry me today,
    A simple song to say
    It's written on my soul:
    Hope's what we crave

    ~ For King & Country - "Hope is What We Crave"

  4. #4
    1still_waters
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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by Laurens View Post
    I am seeking advice on a relationship. So, about six weeks ago, a sister of a good friend of mine, started expressing romantic interest in me. I have known her sister for about four years, but I just met her for the first time a few months ago. She's a great girl, does social work, owns her own house, attractive, popular (she was head cheerleader in high school), all the good stuff anyone could want. Both her parents have PhDs and both are ministers. She was raised in a Christian home. She has committed her life to Jesus, is charismatic (speaks in tongues), and tithes regularly.

    She connected with me on Facebook and wanted to hang out. I was definitely cool with hanging out and spending time to get to know her. When friends and I would go out on the weekend, I would invite her. We would all have a great time. She then expressed she wanted to go out with me one on one. We started doing that and would have a great time going out on the weekends. But, when we would discuss family and relationship matters, we always clash. There are a lot of little things that she has that are red flags, but I’m trying to get over them.

    She has tattoos. For me, tattoos are a sign of rebelliousness. They are small ones that can be covered up, so I can get over that. She swears a lot and is pretty materialistic. As she says, she doesn’t look at price tags. If she likes it, she gets it. Mind you, she is a social worker. We are both in our thirties and she has stated she didn’t want to be pregnant all of her thirties and didn’t want a baby/babies to ruin her figure. If we could afford a surrogate, she would probably like that option. She’s pro-choice and has gay friends. One of her best friends is a woman who is active in her church and sings in the choir, but is a lesbian. She wants a lesbian to be a godmother to our children. These are red flags, but I don’t think they are deal breakers, because one can mature and grow out that mindset.

    But the biggest issue is meeting her emotional needs. I’m from a conservative Christian background so I’m trying to figure out how to do this in a biblical manner. She wants to kiss (on the lips), cuddle on the couch and/or bed, and be alone in private having dinner or watching movies at her house or mine. I’ve made it clear that there is no sexual activity until marriage. She is ok with that, but is looking to develop intimacy. The way she wants to do that seems unbiblical and gives a lot of room for temptation. Also, for her the biggest way to build intimacy is through praying together. I’m okay with this, but I think it would be limited. When I share articles about Christian dating, she thinking I’m trying to be controlling and being emotionally abusive. She has hinted at being hurt or traumatize in the past and I think that’s why she is seeking intimacy. She is very emotional and cries about this, but I don’t want to do anything unbiblical.

    Any thoughts on what I should do? Should I continue this relationship?


    Laurens
    This whole story doesn't seem very congruent.



    You say

    She wants to kiss (on the lips), cuddle on the couch and/or bed, and be alone in private
    but is looking to develop intimacy. The way she wants to do that seems unbiblical and gives a lot of room for temptation.
    But then you say
    Also, for her the biggest way to build intimacy is through praying together.
    You indicate she wants to be physical to build intimacy, then you say you're not for that. But then you say the biggest way she wants to build intimacy is by doing a very good thing, praying together.

    You also say..
    She has committed her life to Jesus, is charismatic (speaks in tongues), and tithes regularly.
    But then say..

    She’s pro-choice
    She wants a lesbian to be a godmother to our children.
    The whole thing just isn't congruent.
    lil_christian, Jullianna and Raine like this.

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    Senior Member lil_christian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by 1still_waters View Post
    This whole story doesn't seem very congruent.



    You say





    But then you say


    You indicate she wants to be physical to build intimacy, then you say you're not for that. But then you say the biggest way she wants to build intimacy is by doing a very good thing, praying together.

    You also say..


    But then say..





    The whole thing just isn't congruent.
    Wow. Totally didn't catch that.
    Hope is what we crave,
    And that will never change
    So I stand and wait
    I need a drop of grace
    To carry me today,
    A simple song to say
    It's written on my soul:
    Hope's what we crave

    ~ For King & Country - "Hope is What We Crave"

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Laurens, I guess you are right there are LOTS of red flags about this girl. I just would like to be careful in what I say because I'm not here to judge her and I won't. So I'll talk about myself not her. So for me as a Godly woman, I believe there's no sex outside marriage and that means direct or indirect sex. So kissing on the lips, being in private places, cuddling, any sort of intimacy can lead to temptation or at least indirect sex. I had to break up relationships before simply because the guy doesn't want to respect this as being one of my Christian values even though I've clearly stated from the beginning that this is how it's gonna be.

    It attracted my attention when you said her parents has PhDs, she owns her house, she's beautiful..........

    It is NOT about being raised in a Christian home in whatever church. It is about being raised on the RIGHT Christian grounds. Do you know that verse in the bible when Jesus said that not everyone who said we've preached by your name I will know them. Sorry, I can't remember the exact reference and words for it right now. But all of this to say that it's NOT every Christian is true n' genuine believer in God's teachings. Another example, you said she tithes regularly. The bible says tithing should be between you and God. No one needs to know you do this. Then how did you know this information Laurens?....

    A true Godly woman is the one who honors God first. Respects herself and the Godly man who is with her. That's what I would do. I'm not talking about your girl.

    I'll pray for you!

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    Senior Member Ugly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    So you want to date a woman who stands for everything you're against because you think she's going to one day change into the person you want? That's purely delusional. Maybe she will. But then again maybe she won't. Are you really willing to risk throwing your life away on someone who you already know is not a good fit for you, because you want to convince yourself she's going to become who you expect?
    Normally it's the woman that makes this mistake. They see 'potential' in a man and expect that one day he will fulfill that potential, rather than seeing who he is and accepting that that may be all he'll be. My opinion, you're nuts if you have any romantic relationship with this woman. You'll be throwing your life away.
    And as was mentioned above, a red flag isn't something you get past. Red flag = warning. When you are driving do you view red lights as things to 'get around' or as warnings that you heed, and stop at so you don't ruin your life going through it?
    Every aspect of this woman, and your attitude, screams 'TROUBLE AHEAD, WARNING' and you seem to be looking for a way around that.
    I don't agree with all of your standards, but they are your standards, and what is the point of having standards if you aren't going to abide by them? Dating this woman would basically be you ignoring everything you say you stand for, to be with someone who would be bad for you. Its clear air. Don't go near this woman romantically.
    Give me a new voice
    Give me a heart for repentance and make it stay
    Cause I've idolized my words
    It's all my fault
    But it's comfortable
    ~Poured Out, Rival Choir~

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    I am seeking advice on a relationship. So, about six weeks ago, a sister of a good friend of mine, started expressing romantic interest in me. I have known her sister for about four years, but I just met her for the first time a few months ago. She's a great girl, does social work, owns her own house, attractive, popular (she was head cheerleader in high school), all the good stuff anyone could want. Both her parents have PhDs and both are ministers. She was raised in a Christian home. She has committed her life to Jesus, is charismatic (speaks in tongues), and tithes regularly.

    She connected with me on Facebook and wanted to hang out. I was definitely cool with hanging out and spending time to get to know her. When friends and I would go out on the weekend, I would invite her. We would all have a great time. She then expressed she wanted to go out with me one on one. We started doing that and would have a great time going out on the weekends. But, when we would discuss family and relationship matters, we always clash. There are a lot of little things that she has that are red flags, but I’m trying to get over them.

    From the above, it sounds like she has taken the lead in the relationship. How do you feel about this? Would you have been interested in her had she not pursued you?

    She has tattoos. For me, tattoos are a sign of rebelliousness. They are small ones that can be covered up, so I can get over that. She swears a lot and is pretty materialistic.

    Swearing a lot doesn't indicate a committed life to Jesus. Anyone can SAY they are committed to Christ. It's actions you have to look for. Behavior. Just something to think about.

    As she says, she doesn’t look at price tags. If she likes it, she gets it. Mind you, she is a social worker. We are both in our thirties and she has stated she didn’t want to be pregnant all of her thirties and didn’t want a baby/babies to ruin her figure.

    This is something you should both be on the same page about, but I would be a little concerned about how much she values her beauty. If you want children, and to raise a family, this isn't a very good sign. If she doesn't want to have children, that's fine, but make sure you are going to be okay with that in the long-term. Things like this could cause a lot of strain on the relationship later, and you are marrying for life. Your children will likely adopt her mindset about beauty as well, so keep that in mind.

    If we could afford a surrogate, she would probably like that option. She’s pro-choice and has gay friends. One of her best friends is a woman who is active in her church and sings in the choir, but is a lesbian. She wants a lesbian to be a godmother to our children. These are red flags, but I don’t think they are deal breakers, because one can mature and grow out that mindset.

    I would be very careful here. She COULD change her mind, but she may not, and the safest and most probable conclusion is that she will not change. ARE YOU okay with having a lesbian godmother for your children? If you want to continue this relationship, you must be okay with that. Are you okay with your children growing up pro-choice and being taught that homosexuality is God-approved? Because chances are they will grow up with their mother's beliefs.

    But the biggest issue is meeting her emotional needs. I’m from a conservative Christian background so I’m trying to figure out how to do this in a biblical manner. She wants to kiss (on the lips), cuddle on the couch and/or bed, and be alone in private having dinner or watching movies at her house or mine. I’ve made it clear that there is no sexual activity until marriage. She is ok with that, but is looking to develop intimacy. The way she wants to do that seems unbiblical and gives a lot of room for temptation.

    You both need to be in agreement AND willing to help one another avoid temptation, or it simply won't work. If she's to be your wife, she must accept your convictions. What you are seeing now is what you will be seeing for the rest of your life with her. (How does she deal with disagreements on things like this? The way she is dealing with this particular issue is how she will likely deal with most issues in your marriage. Will she accept your convictions and help you to keep them? Will she adopt them for herself? Or will she undermine them? What sort of wife do you want? One that will build you up, or break you down? Be careful.)

    Also, for her the biggest way to build intimacy is through praying together. I’m okay with this, but I think it would be limited.
    When I share articles about Christian dating, she thinking I’m trying to be controlling and being emotionally abusive.

    Do you feel that her accusations are unfounded? If so, step back! If she will not let you lead spiritually... if she is not willing to take the passenger seat in this - or even worse, is HOSTILE to your attempts to lead, then your marriage is already ruined.

    She has hinted at being hurt or traumatize in the past and I think that’s why she is seeking intimacy. She is very emotional and cries about this, but I don’t want to do anything unbiblical.

    I'm sorry she appears to be hurting... This is hard for you both I am sure. I believe she may need to get herself sorted out before entering into a healthy relationship. If nothing else, she may need time to address whatever it is she is struggling with from her past, and work on it with the Lord.

    Any thoughts on what I should do? Should I continue this relationship?

    You aren't going to like what I say probably, but I would end it now. There are many godly women out there looking for a husband like you, and I can already envision many many problems with this woman if you were to marry. I see that you already know this, based on your post. From the way you speak, it sounds like you probably wouldn't have chosen this woman for yourself. Blessings to you as you make a difficult choice, brother.


    Quote Originally Posted by Roh_Chris View Post
    Okay Grace, I will make the sandwiches

    The church...the world...doesn't need to see our competence.
    They need to hear our confession. -psychomom


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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    she is going to be trouble, sounds just like my wife. And I have been praying for her and taking aspirin for 15 yrs.

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    This girl sounds bad. Really bad.

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by CatHerder View Post
    maybe you should date the sister that you have been friends with for a while instead.

    LOL...actually we do have a lot more in common careerwise and socially. However, some of the same incompatibility exists.

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by lil_christian View Post
    One does not simply "Get over" red flags. They're called red flags for a reason. To bring to your attention that something isn't right. Granted no one is perfect, but where does one draw the line?

    You need to ask yourself, "Can I really handle this for the next 40+ years of my life?"

    If she's swearing a lot, very materialistic, and an irresponsible steward of her money, that's going to end up really hurting the marriage. You could get into A LOT of debt, you might start picking up her swearing behavior (the Bible says the two will become one for a reason), and if she's used to getting her way and you say no, what then?

    She may be just a Christian by name (though I can't judge that myself). You need to look at the fruits she's bearing. Are they good fruits? Or are they just straight up rotten? My guess is they're rotten. Once again though, I can't judge that myself.

    Ask God to open your eyes when you do this, because love can be blind. You really don't want that.
    You're right. I just think she would change over time as she matures. Maybe not.

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    Senior Member lil_christian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by Laurens View Post
    You're right. I just think she would change over time as she matures. Maybe not.
    You're both in your 30s...I'd think by now the both of you would be mature enough.

    Time doesn't change people. God changes people. And if she hasn't truly accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, she's not going to change because she's not in Christ. Nothing is going to get better if she's set in her ways. It's just not. I'm very sorry.
    Hope is what we crave,
    And that will never change
    So I stand and wait
    I need a drop of grace
    To carry me today,
    A simple song to say
    It's written on my soul:
    Hope's what we crave

    ~ For King & Country - "Hope is What We Crave"

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    1still,

    I'm all for praying together, but I think doing it everyday with her builds a level of intimacy not appropiate for singles. Also, she is charismatic. I not sure if I would be comfortable with praying with someone speaking in tongues?

    Laurens
    IloveyouGod likes this.

  15. #15
    1still_waters
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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by Laurens View Post
    1still,

    I'm all for praying together, but I think doing it everyday with her builds a level of intimacy not appropiate for singles. Also, she is charismatic. I not sure if I would be comfortable with praying with someone speaking in tongues?

    Laurens
    Well if you can't picture praying with someone who prays in tongues now, what makes you think you can do it under a covenant that says "til death do us part"?
    Ugly, DuchessAimee and IloveyouGod like this.

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    Senior Member Fenner's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    I'm going to say no don't pursue a relationship with someone who's values and views don't mesh with yours.
    Jullianna likes this.

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by IloveyouGod View Post
    Laurens, I guess you are right there are LOTS of red flags about this girl. I just would like to be careful in what I say because I'm not here to judge her and I won't. So I'll talk about myself not her. So for me as a Godly woman, I believe there's no sex outside marriage and that means direct or indirect sex. So kissing on the lips, being in private places, cuddling, any sort of intimacy can lead to temptation or at least indirect sex. I had to break up relationships before simply because the guy doesn't want to respect this as being one of my Christian values even though I've clearly stated from the beginning that this is how it's gonna be.

    It attracted my attention when you said her parents has PhDs, she owns her house, she's beautiful..........

    It is NOT about being raised in a Christian home in whatever church. It is about being raised on the RIGHT Christian grounds. Do you know that verse in the bible when Jesus said that not everyone who said we've preached by your name I will know them. Sorry, I can't remember the exact reference and words for it right now. But all of this to say that it's NOT every Christian is true n' genuine believer in God's teachings. Another example, you said she tithes regularly. The bible says tithing should be between you and God. No one needs to know you do this. Then how did you know this information Laurens?....

    A true Godly woman is the one who honors God first. Respects herself and the Godly man who is with her. That's what I would do. I'm not talking about your girl.

    I'll pray for you!
    Thanks for the feedback. Her family background is similar to mine, but I just didn't know she was so liberal minded. I wasn't expecting that. The passage you are referencing is in Matt 7. I wouldn't say she's not a true Christian. She struggles just like everyone else. I know she tithes because she told me.

  18. #18
    1still_waters
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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    As it stands now you won't even be able to pray with her once married, considering

    not sure if I would be comfortable with praying with someone speaking in tongues?
    I wouldn't pursue anything further with someone you can't picture yourself praying with through multiple decades of marriage, of which will have many times of trials and tribulation of which you'll need the strength which comes from praying together.

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ugly View Post
    So you want to date a woman who stands for everything you're against because you think she's going to one day change into the person you want? That's purely delusional. Maybe she will. But then again maybe she won't. Are you really willing to risk throwing your life away on someone who you already know is not a good fit for you, because you want to convince yourself she's going to become who you expect?
    Normally it's the woman that makes this mistake. They see 'potential' in a man and expect that one day he will fulfill that potential, rather than seeing who he is and accepting that that may be all he'll be. My opinion, you're nuts if you have any romantic relationship with this woman. You'll be throwing your life away.
    And as was mentioned above, a red flag isn't something you get past. Red flag = warning. When you are driving do you view red lights as things to 'get around' or as warnings that you heed, and stop at so you don't ruin your life going through it?
    Every aspect of this woman, and your attitude, screams 'TROUBLE AHEAD, WARNING' and you seem to be looking for a way around that.
    I don't agree with all of your standards, but they are your standards, and what is the point of having standards if you aren't going to abide by them? Dating this woman would basically be you ignoring everything you say you stand for, to be with someone who would be bad for you. Its clear air. Don't go near this woman romantically.
    I think you might be right, but I have a question. What don't you agree with in my standards? I'm wondering if I'm being too ridged.

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    Default Re: Should I continue a relationship or not?

    Consider your attraction to her now but you mentioned things about her that are not attractive to you. Granted, most people do have unattractive qualities like everyone else...but some of the things you said that make her unattractive are warning signs that she is trouble. Don't judge by what she says. Judge her by the fruits of her labors. She is definitely not the right person.

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