Choosing for Life

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cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#1
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
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#1
Well I got the chance to attend a 2 hour seminar of the same title last night and thought I would share the highlights with you. So you can find a more stuff at this website Choosing for Life and ask for a free PDF (at least he made it sound like he'd e-mail the access code for free if you asked) of his booklet here Choosing for Life | Intermin but my useful highlight was the following:

He talked about how you should marry someone you respect not someone you pity or feel sorry for (the if I don't love them no one else will mentality) then went on to use respect as an acronym. Saying the person you marry should be:

Reliable - keeps their word, does what they say they will, trustworthy
Ethical- knows what is right and does it
Sensible- develops and applies wisdom by being teachable
Patient- someone who can wait and is not overly impulsive (i.e. unpredictable)
Economical- manages money well
Caring- wants to do good to you and others
Tested- has faced challenges and become stronger

So I submit this as a list of qualities to look for in others, and also qualities to work on developing (with God's help) so that we can have lives pleasing to God and lay the groundwork for a happy future marriage (boy does that sound formal and like I'm back in school writing an essay).
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
Overall i agree with these guidelines, i just will add to the idea to be cautious with this 'list' concept. Marriage is more than a business partnership. Sometimes teachings on choosing a mate make the issue so formal and emotionless. Its like having people turn in applications and going through them to find the best person, without meeting them, because they look good on paper.
While it is definitely good to have concepts like this as guidelines, don't forget there are also chemistry, emotional connections, friendship, etc that need to be brought into the equation. Its a mix of friendship, emotion and using right judgment.
Thanks for the post though, cinder, hopefully it will make some of the newer users think. I know many of the regulars are pretty aware of these kinds of concepts now. But always newbies coming through to pick on, like you =P haha
 
W

Witness45

Guest
#3
#3
I hate to be the one who expresses the negative response to this, but I don't feel like it should be ignored...

I'm sorry but I completely disagree with this whole concept cinder. I have to go with some of what Ugly said up there and question the love behind it. Love is greater than any checklist. That's really the only thing I have on my "list", 1) Am I in love with them?

Let me ask you a question: When God looks down from heaven and specifically chooses us, does he go down a list of qualities we should have in order to so called "pass" the eligibility test? No. He accepts us, negative qualities and all. All he asks for is Love and faith in him.

Matthew 22:37-38
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment."

Romans 3:27-28
"Where then is Boasting? It is excluded. Because of what law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith. For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law."

As Romans chapter 3 goes on to state, a human's righteousness is defined by their faith in God, not their works or other qualities. My point? God rates you based on your Love and faithfulness to him, NOT your list of positive qualities because to him, we're all a sin-filled train wreck yet he chooses us anyway.

The same should be applied to Marriage. The only real questions you should be asking are: 'Do you love them?', 'Do they Love you?', and 'Does God will this to be?'
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
But comparing the love of God and how He views us to using wisdom in choosing someone you will bind yourself to, submit to/be responsible for, etc.. its just not the same concept. You're taking two different intents and meanings of love and applying them broadly, in ways they weren't intended. Agape love is not meant to be the same love between a married couple. The love a married couple share is supposed to be a unique love between them, and as a result, there is a need for wisdom when choosing a partner. This is why a mix of what cinder posted, with emotion and love are vital. Because picking a mate based solely on love often leads to regret. But picking a mate by a checklist alone will result in a dead and unhappy marriage.
Really, the majority of marriages are done on emotion without consideration of the wisdom of the marriage, and look what a poor condition modern marriages are. To suggest using Agape love to find a mate, and nothing else, is just not the intended way, and negates the wisdom God wants us to use. God gave us emotions... AND a brain, for them to work in unison.
 
Pipp

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
#5
Sep 17, 2013
5,536
2,702
113
Georgia
#5
I will say this... I had a preacher approach me about 3 years ago who was very interested in starting a relationship... we decided to talk as friends for a while first and make it a matter of prayer. We did just that... He called me a couple of times a week and we prayed. He was a perfect gentleman, he was saved, he preached the word of God.....at the time those things were all on my checklist along with a few other things. He fit everything in my checklist perfect. The more I prayed about our relationship status changing from just friends I felt very troubled. I could not get peace about moving on...the day came when I had to tell him that. He was again a perfect gentleman about it. I really believe God let me see that you can't go by checklist. Its good to have standards , but keep an open heart and pray about it. Hope that helps :)
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#6
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#6
Ugly said:
Overall i agree with these guidelines, i just will add to the idea to be cautious with this 'list' concept.
While it is definitely good to have concepts like this as guidelines, don't forget there are also chemistry, emotional connections, friendship, etc that need to be brought into the equation. Its a mix of friendship, emotion and using right judgment.
Thanks for the post though, cinder, hopefully it will make some of the newer users think. I know many of the regulars are pretty aware of these kinds of concepts now. But always newbies coming through to pick on, like you =P haha
Click to expand...
So I deserve to get picked on just because I'm a newbie ? Well glad I can be your entertainment :p

Perhaps I should have stated outright that I would see a list like this as a minimal criteria. Someone could have all those qualities and not be a good fit for a specific person, but if someone has issues in a few of these areas that should set off the red flags.
 
ladybugg

ladybugg

Junior Member
#7
Mar 31, 2014
24
0
0
#7
Hi there mmm i am also confused about this whole issue. I have tried it all ways making a list it never worked. Just following my heart got badly hurt. Asking God im now sitting in a marriage i dont want to be in. So i have come to the conclusion its easier to do life alone. Lonely but peaceful. They say that u can never find the right person and that u must be the change u want in a relationship. Thats a tough call.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#8
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#8
cinder said:
So I deserve to get picked on just because I'm a newbie ? Well glad I can be your entertainment :p

Perhaps I should have stated outright that I would see a list like this as a minimal criteria. Someone could have all those qualities and not be a good fit for a specific person, but if someone has issues in a few of these areas that should set off the red flags.
Click to expand...
If Ugly picks on you, consider it a compliment. :rolleyes:
 
J

just_monicat

Senior Member
#9
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
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0
#9
i actually have no problem with a list concept.

but i think a generic list is not nearly enough. i firmly believe that living and past relationships can serve to be excellent teachers as to discovering what we specifically require, but only if you take the moment to articulate those notions.

several years ago, i was sorting through some stuff and at the end of the session, my counselor casually asked me who it was i was looking for. all i could really do was offer some generic platitudes and a list of what i didn't want.

he challenged me to create a list for myself.

i thought it would be a simple exercise. in reality, it's a very hard thing. my list isn't that long, but they're all essentials, and i can use it as a qualifying exercise or "gut check".

why would you need such a thing? well, sometimes we get distracted easily by the shiny glow of a new guy with whom you have loads of chemistry with.

while i think the OP's list is a great starting point, it's possibly not specific enough for you. anyone who isn't perfectly clear on what they are looking might benefit from such an exercise.

for such an example, here's a link as to my list, from another post

http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/87101-deal-makers.html#post1443139

however, a list can't be enough. as pipp pointed out, God leads us through this.
 
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