Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#1
Hey Singles!

If you're feeling alone and need people to talk to who can relate to your status in life, please come to the Singles Chat room in the evenings. We've had many nights of great discussions and honest sharing so please feel welcome to join in.

One of the trends I've noticed is that occasionally we will have older married men who, bless their hearts, come into the room and try to embark on a "Married Person's Pep Talk For Singles" that almost always has the same elements and themes: "Just follow the Lord,put Him first, seek His direction, enjoy this time in your life when you can put all your attention on Him, and someday, (don't lose hope now! C'mon, muster up that faith!), you can be in the Superior Christian Position of Being a Married Person Just Like Me!!!"

It often feels like someone is doing this to make a mark on their "Things I've Done For the Lord Today" checklist. You know... Holding open a door for an older person. Check. Making cookies for the church potluck. Check. Correcting poor foolish mortals in the Bible Discussion forum. Check. And, to complete the list, there's always, "Tell Single People How to Become Married People in 5 Easy Jesus-Following Steps." One BIG check if you're able to share this with an ENTIRE room full of singles.

Now, I am not trying to be disrespectful to married people at all. We have SEVERAL married people who post here and offer very helpful advice, perspectives, and encouragement. I hope she won't be upset that I'm mentioning her, but Fenner immediately comes to my mind because she's always kind, non-judgmental, and respects that we are all in equally valuable stages of life. I love her posts and am very grateful she joins us here. I consider her to be a mentor.

What I'm talking about is when Married's Ultimately See Themselves in a Position That is Better Than, or Highly Coveted By Singles. This is most definitely not the case.

Here are some things I really wish Married's would take into consideration when witnessing to Singles:

1. Please get to know us as individuals and not The Great Mass of Singles because we are all in very different stages of our lives with different spiritual and emotional needs. Some singles are entering college or facing independence for the first time, some are raising children, some are paying mortgages and own businesses. Single does NOT necessarily mean young, inexperienced, or naive. Please do not talk down to us. Many of us were married. Yup. We were Once Like You but our spouses died, abandoned us, or left us for someone else.

2. Not all Singles Aspire to Married People as the Ultimate Thing to Be. Many of us have learned to be content in our single lives and for some of us, it may be a calling. For you to tell us what we need to do to be like you as if we need or want to be married could be going against God's own will and plan for our lives.

3. Marriage is not superior to being Single, and neither is singleness superior to marriage. Paul talks about the many benefits of being single, but of course, some of us do hope to marry someday. But that does not mean we are in an inferior position and need to be talked down to. In fact, you don't even need to assume that we want to be married--as I said, get to know us as individuals instead of lumping us all into big ball of Desperately Hoping to Marry.

4. Single Parenthood is Something to Be Highly Respected. Please remember to ENCOURAGE single parents, not tear them down or tell them their family unit is inferior. Always remember that their job is hard enough. Thank you. The world is full of things that haven't gone according to God's original plan but that doesn't mean we should look down on them. Do you realize that Jesus' Suffering and Death was NOT part of God's original plan? God originally meant for human beings to love, obey, and be with Him forever with no death or suffering involved. But just because a Different Plan comes into being does not mean it is somehow not blessed by God or incapable of being complete. At the cross, John was asked to take Jesus' mother home and care for her as his own mother. Joseph, it must be assumed, had passed away. I once heard a pastor point out that Mary, the Mother of Jesus, might very well have been a Single Mother herself for a considerable amount of time to Jesus and His siblings.

I have met many Singles who may be doing things other Marrieds would not consider, such as fostering and adopting children on their own. Of course some marrieds do this as well, but I feel especially blessed when I meet other singles who are willing to open their lives to the needs of children. How can that not be of God? God fills in every blank and one of His specialties is bringing broken situations into wholeness... in ways we don't always understand or expect.

5. If you are Married and Witnessing to a Single, please remember that it is a two-way street. Sure, the single person can learn from you, but there is also much to be learned from someone who is single. Please treat us as someone you can learn from, too. When you tell us what we need to be doing, ask US what you can be doing as well. It is very much a two-way street--please, always remember that.

One thing that irks me is that Married people seem to forget... God brings two people together in marriage and they become one--yes. But, when it is time to call people into their eternal home, God very rarely calls married couples together at the same time.

Marrieds, please keep in mind. There is a good chance that someday, You. Will. Be. Single. And in today's world, it's very possible that you may have several years or decades left of this life here on earth, and you might be single for the rest of that time. I might not be like You, but I can tell you what it's like to sleep and live alone for 11 years as an adult single. Always remember that a day may come when YOU are the single parent or person sitting alone in church--how would you want people to approach you?

When my Grandpa lost my beloved Grandma after 64 years of marriage, he told me, "Honey, I don't see how you've done it all these years." I told him that one thing he can carry with him forever is that my Grandma loved him with all her heart. The only reason their marriage ended was because God intervened. In my case, along with separation and having to adjust to a new life, I had to accept the fact that the reason my marriage ended is because he had decided he loved someone else.

When talking to us, please consider how you'd feel if someone was telling you everything in the same manner as you are talking to us if you were single. We appreciate that you want to help and encourage us. But please consider that we are people and individuals too.

Thoughts, comments, feedback? I more than welcome them, whether single or married. All I ask for is mutual respect. Remember that in the Body of Christ, we are all equal. Thank you!
 
A

AgeofKnowledge

Guest
#2
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

^ Wow. +1 for you. That was eloquent.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#3
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

Just a few other things I would like to add:

Yes, I know these posts are incredibly long but this was a topic under which I wanted to make sure I covered all the bases that came to mind. Here are a few more.

1. Relationships are Not Groceries.

Married people will often talk to singles as if a relationship/marriage is like a bag of Doritos--all you have to do is go to the store, pick out the flavor you want, chuck it into your cart, and you're good to go. I have talked to many people who basically say, "Well if you really wanted a relationship or to be married, all you'd have to do is put in a little effort."

When I ask these people where they met their spouse, they will often say something like, in high school, in college, at a youth group/rally, or on a missions trip. Which is wonderful, but what they've forgotten is that for many of us, college and high school (a time when you are surrounded by single people of the same age) was decades ago. It's a lot harder for someone with a mortgage, full-time career, and adult responsibilities to embark on things like missions trips, and even if you do, you often run into people who are not in your age range, married, or unavailable for a whole host of reasons.

I was once friends with a wonderful guy but one reason we decided not to date is because we had very different ministry interests and knew in our hearts that our personal callings went in opposite directions.

Please Trust Us. It's not that easy out here. As I said, you may one day be single yourself, and I invite you to see firsthand what it's like to survive in the middle of what often feels like a Shark Tank. I tell all my married friends, If you've found someone you can live with, stick with it and stay with them, because it is truly A Jungle Out Here.

2. A few nights ago in Singles, we were talking about the problem some of us have had with opposite gender marrieds PMing or contacting us to complain about their marriages. I myself have, over the years, had times when married men would PM me and want to complain that their wives never wanted to have sex.

We all know that married people have a whole set of problems all their own and as Christians, we should support them as well, but this is not the way to do it. I'm truly sorry that many marrieds are having these issues, but if you find yourself in this situation, especially if you are a younger single person, I would highly encourage you to block this person immediately and report them to a mod.

There are a myriad of resources out there, and someone having these kinds of issues should be talking to a a Christian same-gender counselor or peer group, NOT a single person of the opposite sex. If they are not willing to go to these sources but instead go to single people of the opposite gender, they aren't willing to do what it takes to get help and/or are looking for an option on the side or replacement.

Thanks for listening and I look forward to the discussion this thread will hopefully generate!! Remember, please do so in respect. I have no desire to put up a ring and make this a Battle of Marrieds Vs. Singles--rather, my hope is to generate further understanding and most importantly, respect towards one another's places and boundaries.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#4
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

^ Wow. +1 for you. That was eloquent.
A compliment from AoK???!!! I think I just died and went to heaven.

In fact, this post is Better Than Getting Married!!!!! :D

Just kidding Age--I truly, sincerely appreciate the comment. I've read many of your posts and know you are a highly intelligent person, so this truly means a lot to me. God bless. :)
 
M

MissCris

Guest
#5
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

Last summer, I was here as a married person, giving advice and perspective where I could, making friends, goofing off, then going about my married life and raising kids and all the other stuff that many single people posted about wishing they had. I tried not to be condescending towards anyone, tried to understand where people were coming from. But really, I had no idea, because I had never really been single- I had steady boyfriends from the time I was 14. I got married at 17. I got married again at 19. Kind of left precious little time to gain any kind of experience with being single.

This summer, I am here as a newly single mother, separated and moving towards divorce.

This is a whole different ball game, and I can't even begin to say how thankful I am to have this place to come to. Because in my every day life, I am surrounded by married people who were helpful and kind at first, but after a month or so, I could tell that me and my single mom struggles were just a burden on these people. It's been a pretty painful thing, and something I never could have seen coming.

Anyway, my point with all this is that despite all the chaos and other junk I've been dealing with since I left my husband, I don't see myself as any less valuable as a person just because I no longer have the marriage to define me, if that makes sense. And I absolutely agree with Kim, just because you may be married now doesn't mean you always will be. And strangely enough, when a marriage ends, so do a lot of friendships. So maybe it's a good idea not to alienate the single people you know by looking down on them and telling them how to live...you might need those people someday.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#6
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

Love your post, Cristen, thank you for contributing this. You were always highly respectful here and never talked down to anyone. I looked forward to your posts like a bright ray of sunshine.

We love YOU, are here for you, and are glad to have you back with us. I'm so sorry for the circumstances and how people have treated you. Know you are in a safe place here with a ton of people who want to support and encourage you.

*BIG HUGS*
 
R

Raine

Guest
#7
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

Thanks for your encouragement. :)

I actually just tried the singles room for the first time last night and was a bit discouraged but your words have set some sparks again. I will give it another shot some time.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#8
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

Thanks for your encouragement. :)

I actually just tried the singles room for the first time last night and was a bit discouraged but your words have set some sparks again. I will give it another shot some time.
Don't give up, Raine! It's like everything else, we have our good nights, and we have our bad nights. I myself am there sporadically due to work and various topics of conversation (if I don't think I can offer anything constructive, I usually leave for the night.) Hang in there and you're bound to come in on a night where we're all sitting around having fun. If nothing else, food is always a very popular topic. :)
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
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#9
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

Hey Singles!

If you're feeling alone and need people to talk to who can relate to your status in life, please come to the Singles Chat room in the evenings. We've had many nights of great discussions and honest sharing so please feel welcome to join in.

One of the trends I've noticed is that occasionally we will have older married men who, bless their hearts, come into the room and try to embark on a "Married Person's Pep Talk For Singles" that almost always has the same elements and themes: "Just follow the Lord,put Him first, seek His direction, enjoy this time in your life when you can put all your attention on Him, and someday, (don't lose hope now! C'mon, muster up that faith!), you can be in the Superior Christian Position of Being a Married Person Just Like Me!!!"
I'm single, and most of this sounds like pretty biblical, and practical, advice.

As far as some married people acting superior... uhhh... plenty of single people do the same thing, except we get mad at the prideful married people, and then we pat the prideful single people on the back. There are plenty of self absorbed, conceited, thoughtless, myopic singles around here that actually have a fan club.

How about we learn to stop worrying over what everybody thinks,
and just learn to be ourselves?


Is that so crazy?

: )
 
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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#10
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

^^^ Of course pride can go both ways.

The inspiration for this thread was the Host of Married People coming in unannounced and then Taking Over the Mic in the Singles Room in order to Preach to the Single Masses That We Too Can One Day Be Married and the conversation that followed once our Married Preachers had left.

I'm not planning on going into any Married Chat rooms in order to Preach The Gospel of Singledom to the Marrieds, but hey. Back when I first started on CC, married people were not even allowed in the Single room, much like non-teens are not allowed in the Teen room.

I'm not really worried about what anyone thinks of me anymore--another benefit of growing older and wiser. But I will address the topic of someone who knows nothing about me and doesn't even bother to ask but comes in and speaks to me in a certain manner head-on.
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#11
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

One odd thing I've noticed is that it always seems to be Married men coming into chat & "giving advice" to the single women. I've never yet seen one married woman come in and address single men about marriage & singleness OR a married man address other men. I just find it a bit odd & suspicious.
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
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#12
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

^^^ Of course pride can go both ways.

The inspiration for this thread was the Host of Married People coming in unannounced and then Taking Over the Mic in the Singles Room in order to Preach to the Single Masses That We Too Can One Day Be Married and the conversation that followed once our Married Preachers had left.

I'm not planning on going into any Married Chat rooms in order to Preach The Gospel of Singledom to the Marrieds, but hey. Back when I first started on CC, married people were not even allowed in the Single room, much like non-teens are not allowed in the Teen room.

I'm not really worried about what anyone thinks of me anymore--another benefit of growing older and wiser. But I will address the topic of someone who knows nothing about me and doesn't even bother to ask but comes in and speaks to me in a certain manner head-on.
I actually went into a sunday school class for married people, at a church, and did that very thing.
Ya know, just for fun.
: )
After I upset all of them, telling them how superior it was to be single,
I said "Oops, Isn't this the singles class?"

Good Times.
: )
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#13
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

Exactly, iTORE--it's always been older married men. I appreciate your observation because, like you... one of the reasons I've felt so uneasy about it is because there was a feeling that they were somehow looking for "groupies", if that makes sense. Young single women who might swoon over their godliness... I'm not saying this is necessarily so, but I appreciate that a man in the room was as uncomfortable with the vibe as I have been as a single woman.

And I have always thought the same thing... When is it the Older Married Women's turn to preach to us next? :)

Some of the things I've written about may be understood exclusively to the people who are a regular part of our Singles group in chat, so I'm sorry if anyone feels left out or doesn't understand what I'm referring to. But another reason I decided to post is because there was plenty said in the chat room that also goes on in our everyday single lives as well.

I hope everyone here feels welcome to participate and voice their experiences, both in the forums and in chat!! :)
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#14
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

To be honest,that's always bugged me a bit when men in particular do that. (some may honestly not be doing it on purpose) It even applies to just chatting in general. Many times it's hard to get another male to even say "Hello" to me even after greeting them. They will address the women in the room,but ignore the other males. I sort of feel that works the same way when some of these married men come in & seemingly attempt to give advice to the single women present.

I personally don't need advice or teaching on how to be single from a man or female. I was married for 9 yrs,but single the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure I've heard it all by now. It would be refreshing to see some seasoned married women come into the chat room to balance it out. I feel sorry for the ladies of chat who seemingly get either harassed in PM's by pushy guys asking for their phone numbers or "what are you wearing" A/S/L? type questions OR getting preached at about how you should embrace your singleness & trust the Lord to find you a mate. Even worse...I've had some female friends say that guys have told them what they need to improve on themselves if they ever hope to land the "right" man.

Ok...sorry for the rant.I've gone off topic. lol
 

just_monicat

Senior Member
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#15
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

^^^ Of course pride can go both ways.

The inspiration for this thread was the Host of Married People coming in unannounced and then Taking Over the Mic in the Singles Room in order to Preach to the Single Masses That We Too Can One Day Be Married and the conversation that followed once our Married Preachers had left.

I'm not planning on going into any Married Chat rooms in order to Preach The Gospel of Singledom to the Marrieds, but hey. Back when I first started on CC, married people were not even allowed in the Single room, much like non-teens are not allowed in the Teen room.

I'm not really worried about what anyone thinks of me anymore--another benefit of growing older and wiser. But I will address the topic of someone who knows nothing about me and doesn't even bother to ask but comes in and speaks to me in a certain manner head-on.

you make a good point. i've always been quite cognizant of making choices that wouldn't create a problem for marrieds, especially as it relates to work or conferences. the majority of my co-workers have been married men with lots of travelling.

often we'd gather to work or prepare for meetings, and of course all the social activities that are packed in to most trips. i'd always try to think of how it would feel for the spouse at home, and other inherent issues of a single girl spending (a lot of) time with a married co-worker.

but it goes both ways. a married guy coming to the singles chat just seems like mildly inappropriate, unless it's a bunch of guys hanging out.

and on a further note, i think i'd be irked if my husband was frequenting the singles chat room.

p.s. yes, it's great to stop caring so much what others think. that's my favorite thing about growing up, thus far. ; )
 
Mar 22, 2013
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Indiana
#16
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

I get a laugh when people try and preach singleness to me.. I have lived it 32 years I know all about being alone I live it every bloody day and chances are will live it till the day I croak. SO I do get a bit nasty and tell them you have no clue what you are talking about. you are like someone who has never been to prison preaching to some lifer about prison life.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#17
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.


you make a good point. i've always been quite cognizant of making choices that wouldn't create a problem for marrieds, especially as it relates to work or conferences. the majority of my co-workers have been married men with lots of travelling.

often we'd gather to work or prepare for meetings, and of course all the social activities that are packed in to most trips. i'd always try to think of how it would feel for the spouse at home, and other inherent issues of a single girl spending (a lot of) time with a married co-worker.

but it goes both ways. a married guy coming to the singles chat just seems like mildly inappropriate, unless it's a bunch of guys hanging out.

and on a further note, i think i'd be irked if my husband was frequenting the singles chat room.

p.s. yes, it's great to stop caring so much what others think. that's my favorite thing about growing up, thus far. ; )
I agree with you completely, Monica. As single people, we have a responsibility to conduct ourselves in a way that protects others' marriages. I have many married friends and something I appreciate is that their husbands trust me because they know I'm not dragging their wives out to places singles would visit to pick someone up or behave in a way that would compromise their beliefs. I don't talk to or pray with married men alone, but always make sure to have a prayer partner or someone else with me (such as, his wife!!)

And, I think you make an excellent point. The next time we have a married man take the podium in the Singles room, I am going to ask him that if he does feel the need to share with us, please go get your wife and come back so that you can witness to us TOGETHER. Depending on the reply, I will not hesitate to ask him how his wife feels about him "witnessing" to a roomful of single women... and that we, as women, would prefer to hear from his wife.
 
Mar 22, 2013
4,718
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Indiana
#18
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

do I detect some subconscious man bashing here? I see a lot of talk about married men in singles rooms. ect ect. (looks to me the same ol, men are evil horn dogs out to cheat on the mate they have) But seems ok if a married female is in a singles room.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#19
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

do I detect some subconscious man bashing here? I see a lot of talk about married men in singles rooms. ect ect. (looks to me the same ol, men are evil horn dogs out to cheat on the mate they have) But seems ok if a married female is in a singles room.
Not at all, Wise.

In order to understand the feel for this you'd have to have been there for the conversation. We had an older married man come in and tell everyone who was either a single parent or raised by a single parent say that they were in an inferior situation because it was not God's Original plan. Well, neither was Jesus' suffering and dying for our sins, because God originally intended for us to obey Him and not sin--hence the rant in my original post.

I don't care which gender preaches at me--I'll still speak my mind plainly against such disrespect towards single parents and their families.

iTORE made the very valid observation though that we have only seen older men take up the Married Pulpit in the Singles room, and never a married woman. Not yet, at least. If she were to say the same things, I'd confront her all the same.
 

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
63
#20
Re: Things I Wish Married People Would Consider When "Witnessing" To Singles.

do I detect some subconscious man bashing here? I see a lot of talk about married men in singles rooms. ect ect. (looks to me the same ol, men are evil horn dogs out to cheat on the mate they have) But seems ok if a married female is in a singles room.

I have been on CC for almost three years, and I've been in the singles room almost every night since people have decided to populate it. I haven't ever seen a married female in the singles room.


However, I have seen MANY married men come in and camp out. There are two in particular who come in and Jesus Juke the conversations. A couple of nights ago a guy was talking about being a single parent, and yet, he's never been one. For those who are single parents, it was a slap in the face. Luckily one of our regulars politely told that married gentleman to make tracks.



Honestly, I don't mind hanging out with married people. Most of my friends in town are married. But I don't get why OLDER married men find the need to come into the singles room. And like seoulsearch mentioned, it's very creepy to get PMs from older married men who want to talk about their sex life.