Singles Forum Safety Check: Protecting Yourself From Harm, Part 1.

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#1
Hey Singles,

We talk about these things from time to time, but I wanted to start some discussions about how to live single life safely.

The first thing I'd like to talk about is when someone who won't accept that you don't want to date them or have contact with them, etc., and refuses to leave you alone. We often joke about stalking others here or being stalked by other people, but of course, in real life, dealing with a stalker is certainly no joke.

Here are some discussion questions:

* Have you had to deal with someone who wouldn't leave you alone in your own life, and what steps have you taken to protect yourself? What wound up happening? (Maybe you saw a parent or someone else go through this... what happened?)

* What precautions do you take to try to prevent these types of unhealthy/dangerous connections and situations?

* How would you advise others to date/socialize safely?

In my own life,

+ I am notorious for VERY RARELY giving out my phone number because I saw friends give out their numbers all the time... and then had to change it almost every time they gave it out. I've often been called immature and paranoid but I've had a lot less drama than those I know who give out their number frequently! My philosophy is, if someone isn't willing to take the time to get to know me for a while in writing (email exchanges on websites such as this), they're not really interested in getting to know me. (I've actually prayed that the right person will be willing to do so.)

+ This is a bit different but several years ago, I worked with a co-worker who was an older man but often had the mind of a child. Everyone loved his sweet spirit and strong work ethic. He did odd jobs on the side, and one of the women he worked for developed an obsession with him. She drove past where we worked, saw me talking to him one day, and shouted out several insults at me as she went by. She then proceeded to call my bosses and tell them to "keep her away from him" or she would come to the store and plunge a dagger into my heart, among several other murderous threats. One of my bosses promptly took me down to the police station and had me file a restraining order. I was fortunate to never have a problem with her again, as I'd heard she was well-known to that precinct for similar threats and violence.

+ An ex-boyfriend with several issues simply would not take no for answer, showing up where I worked and calling so much (back in the day before cell phones) that I had to unplug all 3 of my landline phones every night when I came home from work. This went on for months... and to this day (10 years later), he still stops and asks about me. Some time after we had split up, he called my bosses and told them I'd gone crazy, was unstable, etc. I was half a step away from filing a restraining order against him as well but fortunately, it died down to a level I could at least tolerate, and he never made any threats, nor did he try to come to my house. I feel fortunate that I "had it easy" when I hear what others have gone through and am always sad to read the horrors that some have dealt with.

How about all of you? This is obviously not a gender issue, as it happens to people of both sexes. I think it's an important topic to talk about though, especially as a single. I'm also concerned that our younger friends and those new to dating or single life will be given the tools to navigate singledom in the safest manner possible.

Thanks for sharing, and may "no weapon formed against us prosper."
 
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persNickety

Guest
#2
My relationship with my now ex-bf was very unhealthy from the start. He was skeptical why I asked him out, thinking I was playing a joke. He needed a lot of reassurement. He didn't call or text excessively, but he had odd expectations of me, he would get upset if I was late (even by 10 minutes), or if I was too tired to go out, he kept telling me that I don't like his friends even though I tried to remind him of times that prove otherwise. He got bitter that I didn't like the same TV shows as him and I didn't want to watch certain once, but he told me that if I loved him I would. He told me that he loves me after 1 month of dating (which can happen).

The last argument we had, he got upset and he said 'can't you get it through your thick skull?!'. Another time, we were messing around a bit and he put his hands around my neck to pretend to choke me. Told me that he is a actually a sociopath and just had been manipulating me all along. That he can get me to do anything he wants. P.s. He's a Christian. Would pray with me. Goes to bible study, church, plays in a band in the church. There are wolves and he had a lot of brokenness.

We broke up needless to say. No contact since.
I think I should have left long before the third month. More discernment on my part for the future.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#3
Here's a super stupid thing I did once upon a time (every time I remember it, a stop and thank God for protecting me from my own idiocy and this man):

I was 18, and I was in total self-destruct mode (reaction to other kind of horrible events that had recently taken place, but I digress). I spent a lot of time online, chatting with specifically people in the area I lived in at the time. I went so far as to actually meet a few of them-men, of course.

I gave them not just my phone number, but my address. Because I'm smart like that. I thought, well, wouldn't it be better to meet them at my house rather than theirs? That's how naive I was. Anyway...

One of these guys was waaaaaay older than me. I met him outside on the front porch and immediately knew he was bad news. He started out friendly enough, but after a few minutes of small talk he asked why we didn't just go inside and get to know each other better. I told him that I was actually tired, that I was probably just going to go to sleep (true enough, it was around midnight). Well...he got kind of annoyed, having driven "all the way over" (it was like, a ten minute drive for him). He started insisting on going inside, making up excuses- he was thirsty, he was too hot outside, he needed to use the bathroom and could I please just let him come in for a few minutes?

I don't remember all the excuses and reasons I gave, trying to just get him to leave. I remember feeling incredibly scared; he was huge, he was acting weird, and he was persistent and verging on angry. I just know I tried to stay calm, tried to remain polite so as not to push him too far.

He did eventually get back in his truck and go, and I went inside, shaking like a leaf, and locked all the windows and doors. But I had a really terrible feeling that he would come back later, it had been obvious that he had "plans", and equally obvious that he was not happy to have them changed.

I have never been able to determine if the "gut feeling" I had about that guy was because I was already so scared, or if it was maybe God's way of getting me to get myself out of there, but I listened to it- I took my room mate's car (she had taken a bus to see family and was due back in a couple days) and drove to a friend's house (she was also out of town) and used her hidden key to let myself in. I had left my room mate's two dogs in the house, rather than crating them like she wanted, hoping that if that guy did break in, he'd at least get attacked. I didn't know what else to do- I was alone, and calling the cops seemed out of the question because I'd brought it on myself.

I went back early in the morning, probably around six. The trash can in the driveway was over turned. Shutters and screens were broken. The screen door had been pried...but it didn't look like he'd actually gotten in. Maybe the dogs barking had made him give up? Maybe he realized I wasn't there so what was the point? I don't know.

I don't know what he had been intending to do, honestly...but I assumed the worst and got the heck out.

So, a few things from all this:

-FOR THE LOVE OF MONKEYS, keep your address to yourself (duh, right?)
-If you get that "vibe" from someone, like they're dangerous in some way, DO NOT ignore that or talk yourself out of it.
-If you get into a bad situation with someone and they won't leave you alone, it doesn't matter HOW you got into it, there's no shame in calling the police for help.

Also, if you leave two dogs alone who are known to chew up anything they can get ahold of, expect to come back to find they've eaten the sofa.
Fabric and stuffing EVERYWHERE. That was fun to try to explain to my room mate.
 
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persNickety

Guest
#4
I think to answer your question about advising for safe dating- I think there is some things that are so hidden that it's hard to see just by dating someone at first. With my example above, I had Christian friends that knew him and hung around him, he goes to the same bible study with some of them, he works for the same company as me, we met at work, he often goes to the same church as me. There was a lot of background that it seemed that it was safe- or at least safer the other ways of meeting guys. But still. Sometimes it's hard to see right away.
 
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Taith

Guest
#6
Well, I never had anything from a girl, as I have never really been in a relationship. And I am not the best looking, so girls don't exactly seek me out.

But thinking about it, I may have been one of those guys y'all talk about. Everything I did, I did not have a bad intention and it all turned out ok.
I told a girl I loved her, when we were not in a relationship. Which was true, and still is. But looking back I probably should not have said it. I used to text her every day. Even though she would text back.
I believe she is God's will for me, I honestly do. But I guess I was trying to push God's will fast and not in His time. But I still love her, very, very much. Would that be consider stalkerish? We don't text often anymore (God told me to back off and let Him work), even though we are still friends. But I am loving from a distance. I would never do anything weird. I am just waiting for God's time. I do plan to pursue her sometime.
What do you think? Am I over obsessing?

God gave me this love for her, I could not stop loving her if I tried (And I have...) But God just seems to bring it back to her.

How would you ladies feel about someone like that? Caring about you?


Oh and we have been friends for 11 years. So we are by-far not strangers.
 
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kenthomas27

Guest
#7
I believe she is God's will for me, I honestly do. But I guess I was trying to push God's will fast and not in His time. But I still love her, very, very much. Would that be consider stalkerish?

How would you ladies feel about someone like that? Caring about you?
It's never ever the caring, partner. It's the pursuing.
 
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Taith

Guest
#8
It's never ever the caring, partner. It's the pursuing.
Well put.

And I do not plan to be a cynical pursuer (when that time comes). I plan to do it the right way!
 

Nautilus

Senior Member
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#9
I remember I started hanging out with this girl at parties that I met through mutual friends. Everything was cool at first we would maybe leave early go to a bar and chat or come back to my place and watch movies. But eventually I felt like she was wanting more like a relationship so I was like eh.. nope. So the next party I went to i had a date. My date left around 2 and I went home from said party around 4(she had to work I didnt). Well the next morning(afternoon) when I woke up I went outside and low and behold who is sleeping on my porch-couch? The first girl. Im like this is creepy and you need to leave. She was like naw lets watch a movie or something Ive been waiting all night out here. Im like yo seriously get out.
 
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kenthomas27

Guest
#10
Well put.

And I do not plan to be a cynical pursuer (when that time comes). I plan to do it the right way!
Taith - I don't think my statement was as well put as you let on then. A cynical pursuer is bad, but a guy thinking he's pursuing the right way is even worse. I think my advice was meant to suggest that you don't pursue at all. If you do love this person, then it means loving her enough to want what she wants. That might be you, I'm not saying it isn't - but it might not be you too and your love for her needs to be prepared for that. You want to be like Christ? Well, it's wide open - some loved Him, some don't, and it breaks His heart every time.
 
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Taith

Guest
#11
Taith - I don't think my statement was as well put as you let on then. A cynical pursuer is bad, but a guy thinking he's pursuing the right way is even worse. I think my advice was meant to suggest that you don't pursue at all. If you do love this person, then it means loving her enough to want what she wants. That might be you, I'm not saying it isn't - but it might not be you too and your love for her needs to be prepared for that. You want to be like Christ? Well, it's wide open - some loved Him, some don't, and it breaks His heart every time.
I may have worded my words wrong. I don't plan to be cynical about it at all.
And what I meant about going the right way is: Talking to her dad about it, talking to preachers about it, then moving up into just doing things together in a family like setting, And then just see if she might grow to like me and move from there.

I would say that is probably the best way to go about it.
 
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kenthomas27

Guest
#12
I may have worded my words wrong. I don't plan to be cynical about it at all.
And what I meant about going the right way is: Talking to her dad about it, talking to preachers about it, then moving up into just doing things together in a family like setting, And then just see if she might grow to like me and move from there.

I would say that is probably the best way to go about it.
Ok then brother. God speed. :)
 
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biscuit

Guest
#13
Have two sisters & two brothers and I was the "enforcer" in my family. Whenever my sisters had a major problem with a guy, mother would say "take care of the problem." One sister really got mad when I demanded an upfront "fee" to end a relationship for her. Mother was laughing up a storm over it. And I must say that my older sister bailed me out with a woman problem when I was 19. It helps a great deal to have family members get involved. I know for a fact that my father was very careful not to hit my mother since she had some really bad brothers who were at 50-100 pounds heavier than my father.
 
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sassylady

Guest
#14
I dated a man 7 years ago who was on the worship team at church, as well as his parents. I went to the church for awhile before he even started talking to me and we hit it off and began dating. Four months later he shows up to pick me up and I thought, if I didn't know better I'd say he was stoned (I'd been around that with my ex many years earlier). By the second time he showed up like that I said something, he didn't see the harm. The third time it was alcohol on his breath. I broke it off with him, I had young teen children at the time. He started harassing my children while I was at work, as well as me when I got home, I got my number changed ASAP. Then he began showing up in my rear view mirror. I'd be in a store and he was right behind me. I started carrying a camera around with me and keeping a log of all of it. I actually stopped in the middle of the street where he couldn't get around me and took his picture in his vehicle. I was not going to live in fear or put up with being a stalked woman. After about a month of that I went to court to get a protection order and found out then he had a record for sexual assault. Plus the pastor actually called me at work and asked if I knew that he had been buying alcohol and tobacco for his son, which I did not. Once the protection order was signed I saw or heard nothing for 3 months. Then at 130am on a Sat morning he was on my doorstep trying to break down the door and yelling obscenities. I sat at the top of my stairs on the phone with 911 and had a claw hammer in the other hand. He was gone about 30 sec before officers showed up but I showed them the protection order and they said they already had a warrant for him that was unrelated to my situation. I found out months later he had sexually assaulted another woman.

Thank God nothing more has happened. You wonder can you even meet a man in church and be safe. The biggest irritation for me was that the church members knew about him and knew I had children and never said a word to me.
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#15
Have two sisters & two brothers and I was the "enforcer" in my family. Whenever my sisters had a major problem with a guy, mother would say "take care of the problem." One sister really got mad when I demanded an upfront "fee" to end a relationship for her. Mother was laughing up a storm over it. And I must say that my older sister bailed me out with a woman problem when I was 19..

um, was your family in the mob???



I know for a fact that my father was very careful not to hit my mother since she had some really bad brothers who were at 50-100 pounds heavier than my father.
i guess if your conscience doesn't prevent you from committing domestic abuse, imposing family members-in-law are the next best thing.

my own brother is pretty imposing, and not exactly a delicate doily--maybe i can persuade him to threaten future dates. : )
 
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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#16
I wanted to thank everyone for sharing their stories and hope they will continue to do so. I actually have two more ideas to complete this "series" of threads but want to give this one a chance to ride it out for at least a few more days. We might wind up discussing everything I had in mind for the "sequels" anyway.

I'm a little concerned that the guys will feel as if we are man-bashing and this isn't the case at all. I've known several guys who had problems with overzealous women pursuing them (my first post is an example) and we want to know how you guys look out for yourself as well. (Taith, I don't think you're being a stalker... Respect her wishes, give her space, and, if she's not reciprocating your feelings, pray for her from a distance.)

I have to admit my palms were feeling clammy while in the midst of reading some of the stories here because I was so afraid for the well-being of the authors. I'm so glad that many were kept from harm; I'm so sorry that many more are not. Thank you all for being brave enough to share with us so that we can all learn how to better look out for ourselves. I hope people will continue to share their experiences and tips. My number one piece of advice is to be very careful about giving out your phone number or info in the first place. Wait and see if someone is willing to get to know you on a site for a while... and don't let them insult you into giving them your number.

Now, I do know that many people communicate better over the phone than in writing so yes... I've sometimes wondered if I've missed out on meeting someone wonderful because I was unwilling talk on the phone right away. But, as I said, I figure that if Eleazer prayed that the right girl for Isaac would offer to water his camels, I can pray that the right people I'm supposed to meet will have enough patience and consideration to get to know me for a while in a safe, guarded environment. The person could always meet you in chat and be able to start "talking" to you as well, without having to give out your number. Being in a "group" might be even better, as you'll be able to see how they interact with others.

One little thing I'd like to add is that when someone tries to ruin your reputation out of spite (as in the case of my ex calling my bosses and telling them I was crazy), if you've taken the time in your life to build relationships and a responsible lifestyle, this is a time when it will really pay off. I was really thankful for my good-girl image at this point (no matter who made fun of me for it) because I had established a good reputation at work. My bosses knew I was responsible, dependable, and hard-working, and they were more concerned about what was going on than what someone was trying to say about me.

It's a lot like the "Things You've Been Called on CC" thread--I am personally astounded that so many of our lovely fellow posters have been called such ridiculous things, and would never believe such garbage about them. GGGRRRR!!!! (Talk about egging my roll and chopping my sticks!!! :)) It's terrible that spiteful people would stoop so low. Even if something DID come up that I hadn't known about them, I would simply ask, "Do you need to talk about it? Would you like prayer? Tell me how I can help," instead of automatically believing something out of character about them that someone else had said.

When you've taken the time to live life right and establish yourself with others, I hope you all find that people will remember who you ARE and not what someone on the outside tries to say about you.
 
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biscuit

Guest
#17

um, was your family in the mob???





i guess if your conscience doesn't prevent you from committing domestic abuse, imposing family members-in-law are the next best thing.

my own brother is pretty imposing, and not exactly a delicate doily--maybe i can persuade him to threaten future dates. : )

No mob connection and never had to land a hand on anyone. But they knew who I was. My sister's first year in high school was a rocky one because some girls just don't like other girls who are a threat to them. To make a long story short, a few of them were trying to provoke her into a fight when one of the girls asked the group of girls if they knew her brother. The girls said no. The girl told them that the girl they didn't like was biscuit's sister. My sister became an automatic member of the fan club. She never had any problem with anyone while I was in school with her. I was a very popular with the girls as a junior in high school. My sister told me this story.
 
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DuchessAimee

Senior Member
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
63
#18

um, was your family in the mob???





i guess if your conscience doesn't prevent you from committing domestic abuse, imposing family members-in-law are the next best thing.

my own brother is pretty imposing, and not exactly a delicate doily--maybe i can persuade him to threaten future dates. : )


As you know gypsy I'm more than happy to threaten to punch people. I'll await your email. :D
 
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biscuit

Guest
#20
I'm a little concerned that the guys will feel as if we are man-bashing and this isn't the case at all. I've known several guys who had problems with overzealous women pursuing them (my first post is an example) and we want to know how you guys look out for yourself as well. (Taith, I don't think you're being a stalker... Respect her wishes, give her space, and, if she's not reciprocating your feelings, pray for her from a distance.)

Soulsearch, bashing or the battle of the sexes is as old as mankind. It can be done in a humorous way as long as both sexes are fair about it, without the double standard, which really is the main culprit that get men really mad LOL!!. I had been on secular boards for nearly 7 years where it can really get nasty and there are an awful lots of low blows. Really nothing we do about that except forget it or change threads. I think what makes some men & women unique in the heat of the battle, is they can hug, kiss, scroll to another thread and forget about it before the day ends. I never, ever will hold a grudge against anyone when the battle is over. Some posters will carry grudges to another thread or to their graves in real life. We need to remember that this is only a social media board and cannot be anything more.