Singles Forum Safety Check, Part 2: What Are Your Safety Rules for Dating?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Singles!

I originally had two "sequels" planned for the first thread but I think this second part will wrap it up.

Initially, we talked about things such as not giving out too much personal information right away, etc. I would like to know what your guidelines are for when you've finally decided to go out and be in a situation where you will be alone with that person for the first meeting. What kinds of precautions do you take, if any? And, I am certainly not trying to make it sound like all potential dates (men especially) are predators. But even a seemingly "nice" person can become aggressive or even criminal if they feel rejected or as if they are not getting what they want.

I just think it's very important for people to be aware so that they can make smarter decisions for themselves.

Here are some possible discussion questions, but feel free to add and answer your own:

1. Do you let someone know you're meeting someone? Where and when will you meet? Do you have a "backup plan" in case things don't go as you planned? What if distance is involved? How do you know it's "safe" to visit someone a few hours or plane ride away?

2. What if you think you've met a wonderful person... but upon meeting, it's obvious things aren't going to work. How do you handle "letting them down", especially if you've been talking/texting/Skyping quite frequently? How do you suddenly drop it all and ask that person to exit your life without them beginning to stalk you?

3. If you are the one the other person wants to let go, do you back off right away? Or do you try to hold on, hoping the other person will change their mind? How do you know when to just let go and let them be?

4. What tips and advice do have for others when it comes to meeting with someone in person?

In my own life:

+ Ladies, I would strongly advise you NEVER to take up an offer to help you move into a new place UNLESS you've known the person extremely well in person for some time, and even then. I have heard so many stories of sexual assault that takes place when someone offers to "help you move" that I personally and strongly discourage it. If you need help, please, look to people you know without a shadow of a doubt you can trust or else hire a professional business. I know it can be expensive but your safety is worth it.

Oddly enough... and I'm not accusing anyone of anything, but... I've been on two Christian dating sites for several years, and when I wrote in my profile, "Soon to be arriving in (city near my new location)" but with no specific time frame, I had two offers to "help me move and show me around." I am NOT saying either person was a criminal... but when I declined the offer for help with my move, I never heard from either one again.

+ Although I've done long-distance situations, I've never had one in which I met someone online that involved a distance requiring a plane trip. I'm not quite sure how I'd handle that one--how about all of you? I do know that I would ask the person to visit me first so that I'd have the safety of my own surroundings. I would hope a gentleman would respect that, and I would split or match his costs. (For example, if he paid for a plane ticket, I'd pay the same amount toward his other travel costs.)

+ If I do meet someone I've been talking to online, here are some of my personal tips. I always make a first meeting a lunch date during the day, and I always give a specific time frame. For example, I'll say, "Sure, I can meet for lunch at 12:30, but I'm meeting my family/friend around 5:00." Again, I'm not trying to sound like every man is a predator but this lets a person know that someone is expecting me and will come looking for me if I don't show up. This will hopefully thwart any plans to say, toss me into a van and drive off.

If you get along smashingly well, you can always let your family/friend know and reschedule with them so that you can spend more time with your date. But if things aren't going so well, it also gives you a way out of a possibly uncomfortable situation. I developed this strategy after once going to lunch with a very nice guy who wanted to spend the entire rest of the day and late into the evening with me (he wanted to go to Chicago, 2 1/2 hours away) and we were having a hard time finding things to talk about during our initial hour lunch. He seemed like a great person but we simply had nothing in common.

+ If I'm with someone and we do go anywhere else, such as a movie, etc., I try to make sure I drive my own vehicle so that I am never dependent on the other person for a ride. I let a friend know of my plans in advance, and leave any info I have about the person with my friend. I will also at some point excuse myself to go to the restroom to text my "safety person" that I'm ok, and if need be, have that person text me during the date. I will politely excuse myself and make a quick answer that I'm all right, and then focus all my attention back on the other person. I won't take any other texts or calls during that time except for my "safety check-in."

I know some of these behaviors might come off as rude but I try to be as polite and open as possible. I would hope the guy would understand that a single woman has to look out for herself, and that he would want his mom, sister, etc. to take the same measures if she were dating, too.

There are also always exceptions--there is a nice-sized group of regulars here on CC, and I would meet any one of the particular group I'm comfortable with, male or female, for dinner or without many of my usual precautions. I'm pretty sure that any one of them would also understand. That's why I call them friends.

How about all of you? As you can imagine, some guys have told me I'm paranoid or will say something like, "Well, I'm actually a grown-up so I don't have to go around thinking the worst of everyone around me," but I just this as a sign that they are someone I'm not supposed to meet.

If Eleazer could pray that the right girl he was to find for Isaac would water his herd of thirsty camels, surely I can pray that the right people in my life will understand why I want to be careful about my safety and would even encourage it.

May all of you be safe in your endeavors, and please be sure to share your stories and advice.

 

[biscuit]

Whatever happen to sharing a few slices of pizzas at the neighborhood shop? The first date is really a "meeting of minds" to get to know one another. They can meet each other there without releasing any important info and the environment is usually safe. If I had to date a woman and she has more defensive shields up than the U.SS Enterprise versus the Klingons .... then I would probably cancel the date because I wouldn't feel comfortable around her. Just remember, it is a 2-way street.

 

[CountryRose]

I don't think you are paranoid; it is important to stay safe. I've run into weirdos dating online and offline. It seems that there are quite a few people out there who are not who they pretend to be. I met a guy online and even dated him for a few months before I figured out he wasn't who he claimed to be. It's really scary to think that I was actually falling for this guy and he was lying to me about everything. Yikes!

I usually meet somewhere public unless I have a good feel about the person ahead of time. I like to take my car if we go anywhere. If I meet up with a guy I've been talking to and we don't click in person, I try to make it a nice date (usually just dinner), and then I politely thank him and leave. Usually that doesn't turn into a problem because if I'm not feeling it, he's usually not either. However, there have been instances where I've just had to tell someone, "I'm sorry, but I just did not click with you."

If I am into a guy, and he is not interested in me after meeting, I back off right away. I'm not going to push something that isn't there.

I don't know if I'd ever fly to meet someone. I think I would expect him to be the gentleman and do it first. Although, I did once drive a few states away to meet a guy. It turned out ok, although I didn't see him again after that. (I was young and stupid....I'd hope that I'd never do that again. It's a scary world out there.)

The main thing is to do what makes you feel comfortable and keep safety in mind. I don't give out my phone number very quickly when meeting men on online dating sites, and some men find that very rude. Some are very push and want my number right away. I think they can wait. If they can't email me for a while until I feel comfortable enough to give them my phone number, then they don't deserve me anyway. Once my number is out there, I can't get it back, so I like to be sure. I have heard you can get a cheap or free number that you can use instead of your regular number. Definitely something to consider. It rings directly through to your phone.

Good thread!

 

[Oncefallen]

Whatever happen to sharing a few slices of pizzas at the neighborhood shop? The first date is really a "meeting of minds" to get to know one another. They can meet each other there without releasing any important info and the environment is usually safe. If I had to date a woman and she has more defensive shields up than the U.SS Enterprise versus the Klingons .... then I would probably cancel the date because I wouldn't feel comfortable around her. Just remember, it is a 2-way street.

I think Seoul was predominantly talking about meeting someone for the first time from on-line, not a date with someone she had met before. I can understand why women would take major precautions since not everyone is as they may appear on-line. Several dating sites have been sued by female users that have been raped by men they met on-line on the first date.

Unfortunately social networking sites are pervert magnets and there is absolutely no way for any site to insure that people who register are not serial rapists, etc.

 

[biscuit]

I think Seoul was predominantly talking about meeting someone for the first time from on-line, not a date with someone she had met before. I can understand why women would take major precautions since not everyone is as they may appear on-line. Several dating sites have been sued by female users that have been raped by men they met on-line on the first date.

Unfortunately social networking sites are pervert magnets and there is absolutely no way for any site to insure that people who register are not serial rapists, etc.

Thanks ... just skimmed it too quickly.

 

[tourist]

Hey Singles!

I originally had two "sequels" planned for the first thread but I think this second part will wrap it up.

Initially, we talked about things such as not giving out too much personal information right away, etc. I would like to know what your guidelines are for when you've finally decided to go out and be in a situation where you will be alone with that person for the first meeting. What kinds of precautions do you take, if any? And, I am certainly not trying to make it sound like all potential dates (men especially) are predators. But even a seemingly "nice" person can become aggressive or even criminal if they feel rejected or as if they are not getting what they want.

I just think it's very important for people to be aware so that they can make smarter decisions for themselves.

Here are some possible discussion questions, but feel free to add and answer your own:

1. Do you let someone know you're meeting someone? Where and when will you meet? Do you have a "backup plan" in case things don't go as you planned? What if distance is involved? How do you know it's "safe" to visit someone a few hours or plane ride away?

2. What if you think you've met a wonderful person... but upon meeting, it's obvious things aren't going to work. How do you handle "letting them down", especially if you've been talking/texting/Skyping quite frequently? How do you suddenly drop it all and ask that person to exit your life without them beginning to stalk you?

3. If you are the one the other person wants to let go, do you back off right away? Or do you try to hold on, hoping the other person will change their mind? How do you know when to just let go and let them be?

4. What tips and advice do have for others when it comes to meeting with someone in person?

In my own life:

+ Ladies, I would strongly advise you NEVER to take up an offer to help you move into a new place UNLESS you've known the person extremely well in person for some time, and even then. I have heard so many stories of sexual assault that takes place when someone offers to "help you move" that I personally and strongly discourage it. If you need help, please, look to people you know without a shadow of a doubt you can trust or else hire a professional business. I know it can be expensive but your safety is worth it.

Oddly enough... and I'm not accusing anyone of anything, but... I've been on two Christian dating sites for several years, and when I wrote in my profile, "Soon to be arriving in (city near my new location)" but with no specific time frame, I had two offers to "help me move and show me around." I am NOT saying either person was a criminal... but when I declined the offer for help with my move, I never heard from either one again.

+ Although I've done long-distance situations, I've never had one in which I met someone online that involved a distance requiring a plane trip. I'm not quite sure how I'd handle that one--how about all of you? I do know that I would ask the person to visit me first so that I'd have the safety of my own surroundings. I would hope a gentleman would respect that, and I would split or match his costs. (For example, if he paid for a plane ticket, I'd pay the same amount toward his other travel costs.)

+ If I do meet someone I've been talking to online, here are some of my personal tips. I always make a first meeting a lunch date during the day, and I always give a specific time frame. For example, I'll say, "Sure, I can meet for lunch at 12:30, but I'm meeting my family/friend around 5:00." Again, I'm not trying to sound like every man is a predator but this lets a person know that someone is expecting me and will come looking for me if I don't show up. This will hopefully thwart any plans to say, toss me into a van and drive off.

If you get along smashingly well, you can always let your family/friend know and reschedule with them so that you can spend more time with your date. But if things aren't going so well, it also gives you a way out of a possibly uncomfortable situation. I developed this strategy after once going to lunch with a very nice guy who wanted to spend the entire rest of the day and late into the evening with me (he wanted to go to Chicago, 2 1/2 hours away) and we were having a hard time finding things to talk about during our initial hour lunch. He seemed like a great person but we simply had nothing in common.

+ If I'm with someone and we do go anywhere else, such as a movie, etc., I try to make sure I drive my own vehicle so that I am never dependent on the other person for a ride. I let a friend know of my plans in advance, and leave any info I have about the person with my friend. I will also at some point excuse myself to go to the restroom to text my "safety person" that I'm ok, and if need be, have that person text me during the date. I will politely excuse myself and make a quick answer that I'm all right, and then focus all my attention back on the other person. I won't take any other texts or calls during that time except for my "safety check-in."

I know some of these behaviors might come off as rude but I try to be as polite and open as possible. I would hope the guy would understand that a single woman has to look out for herself, and that he would want his mom, sister, etc. to take the same measures if she were dating, too.

There are also always exceptions--there is a nice-sized group of regulars here on CC, and I would meet any one of the particular group I'm comfortable with, male or female, for dinner or without many of my usual precautions. I'm pretty sure that any one of them would also understand. That's why I call them friends.

How about all of you? As you can imagine, some guys have told me I'm paranoid or will say something like, "Well, I'm actually a grown-up so I don't have to go around thinking the worst of everyone around me," but I just this as a sign that they are someone I'm not supposed to meet.

If Eleazer could pray that the right girl he was to find for Isaac would water his herd of thirsty camels, surely I can pray that the right people in my life will understand why I want to be careful about my safety and would even encourage it.

May all of you be safe in your endeavors, and please be sure to share your stories and advice.

I met my late wife on-line in 2002. We started on-line but she was not comfortable with that so we wrote snail mail. Many, many letters. We also talked on the phone many times each day. After 2 months I asked her if she would like to meet me. She cried and said that she would love to. I lived in Florida and she lived in Maine. By then, we were in love with each other and knew where we wanted our relationship to go. I flew to Maine, stayed 6 days and brought her back to Florida with me. We were married 2 months later.

It is a matter of trust. You could meet someone at the store who asked you out for a date and you might say yes even though you don't know the person. I believe that after a period of months of an online relationship you should have a good idea if the person's attentions and affections are genuine. Obviously, it worked out for me and my late wife but it does not hurt to take precautions. I am a guy, so who cares, I will take my chances but I believe that women should use some caution. You are right, what happens if someone comes from a distance and it does not work out. Again, trust, and knowing the individual. If it were me and I made the trip and she changed her mind I would back out gracefully, stay in a motel for a couple days and fly back as soon as possible. The escape plan should be considered by each person in the relationship to lessen anxiety. We did not have an escape plan so fortunately it worked out. It was the best decision I made in my lifetime.

 

[Oncefallen]

My sister met her husband on a chat site a verrrrrry long time ago. When I found out she was meeting this guy for the first time in the middle of nowhere Utah alone I about flipped my lid. Needless to say, fortunately he turned out to be a great guy.

 

[tourist]

Whatever happen to sharing a few slices of pizzas at the neighborhood shop? The first date is really a "meeting of minds" to get to know one another. They can meet each other there without releasing any important info and the environment is usually safe. If I had to date a woman and she has more defensive shields up than the U.SS Enterprise versus the Klingons .... then I would probably cancel the date because I wouldn't feel comfortable around her. Just remember, it is a 2-way street.

It is a new world and the rules are different now.

 

[biscuit]

It is a new world and the rules are different now.

LOL!! You got that right ... and it is darn scary. I am from the old school and don't think I could ever go that route (online). I meet some incredible women on buses, railcars, supermarkets and etc.

 

[seoulsearch]

Oncefallen,

Thank you for being my interpreter. Yes, I am absolutely talking about mostly online dating because so many people seem to be engaging in it these days, but of course, some of these factors can figure into many other situations, such as a blind date, etc.

I do understand that there has to be a balance between looking out for yourself and coming across like Fort Knox, which is one of the reasons why I wrote this.

I'm interested in hearing how people feel about where the balance is.

(Just read Biscuit's last post). I am the opposite... I've never just run into someone in a public place while getting groceries, etc., that I thought I would give my phone number to, let alone go out on a date with. We each have our dating "styles"--what works for some doesn't work for others--and this is a chance to share them.

 

[MissCris]

Another stupid Cristen maneuver that I lucked out on...

The last time I met somebody from online in person, I didn't have aaaannnnnyyyyy safety measures in place, aside from one friend who lives an hour away sort of knowing I was meeting this person. Granted, if I HAD told anyone, they'd have talked me out of it, because it was a pretty silly thing to do in the first place.

I was lucky that the person was pretty much who they'd claimed to be, and not dangerous. At least not in obvious or physical ways. But! Also luckily, my family found out pretty quickly and put a stop to the whole thing, and we both walked away mainly unscathed and a little more cautious.

Anyway, I don't really have any tips on this, except...don't do what I did. Yeah.

 

[biscuit]

Oncefallen,

Thank you for being my interpreter. Yes, I am absolutely talking about mostly online dating because so many people seem to be engaging in it these days, but of course, some of these factors can figure into many other situations, such as a blind date, etc.

I do understand that there has to be a balance between looking out for yourself and coming across like Fort Knox, which is one of the reasons why I wrote this.

I'm interested in hearing how people feel about where the balance is.

(Just read Biscuit's last post). I am the opposite... I've never just run into someone in a public place while getting groceries, etc., that I thought I would give my phone number to, let alone go out on a date with. We each have our dating "styles"--what works for some doesn't work for others--and this is a chance to share them.

I truly understand your post and unless I see the women on a regular basis ... like every day going to work, or co-worker I known for years, shoppers I see frequently over a course of time, I won't ask them out. As far as women being a stranger and I want to date her ... it won't happen. I have to know her and feel comfortable around her. I have had friend wanting me to meet female friends (stranger) of theirs, and my answer has always been: Not Interested.

 

[Tintin]

1. Do you let someone know you're meeting someone? Where and when will you meet? Do you have a "backup plan" in case things don't go as you planned? What if distance is involved? How do you know it's "safe" to visit someone a few hours or plane ride away?

2. What if you think you've met a wonderful person... but upon meeting, it's obvious things aren't going to work. How do you handle "letting them down", especially if you've been talking/texting/Skyping quite frequently? How do you suddenly drop it all and ask that person to exit your life without them beginning to stalk you?

3. If you are the one the other person wants to let go, do you back off right away? Or do you try to hold on, hoping the other person will change their mind? How do you know when to just let go and let them be?

4. What tips and advice do have for others when it comes to meeting with someone in person?

1. Yes, I'll let my family know I'm meeting Arlene and I'd hope she'd tell her family and/or friends. I don't think we're secretive. We'll meet at the Adelaide Airport, I'm not sure when, yet. No, I don't have a 'backup' plan. We'll initially be meeting out in public, so if she tries some martial arts on me, or chases me with a stick, I'll know to call airport security. For everything else, there's prayer.

2. I don't believe that will be the case. We've been talking, texting, FBing etc. quite frequently, but I think we're good for each other and she believes the same.

3. Again, I don't think this will be an issue. We're both crazy about each other.

4. I have no tips or advice for others, I'm new to all of this. Just be safe. Meet in public. Tell your loved ones. Use your God-given discernment. If something seems off about a person, you're probably right. Prayer about him/her and listen to what the Holy Spirit shares with you.

 

[tourist]

1. Do you let someone know you're meeting someone? Where and when will you meet? Do you have a "backup plan" in case things don't go as you planned? What if distance is involved? How do you know it's "safe" to visit someone a few hours or plane ride away?

2. What if you think you've met a wonderful person... but upon meeting, it's obvious things aren't going to work. How do you handle "letting them down", especially if you've been talking/texting/Skyping quite frequently? How do you suddenly drop it all and ask that person to exit your life without them beginning to stalk you?

3. If you are the one the other person wants to let go, do you back off right away? Or do you try to hold on, hoping the other person will change their mind? How do you know when to just let go and let them be?

4. What tips and advice do have for others when it comes to meeting with someone in person?

1. Yes, I'll let my family know I'm meeting Arlene and I'd hope she'd tell her family and/or friends. I don't think we're secretive. We'll meet at the Adelaide Airport, I'm not sure when, yet. No, I don't have a 'backup' plan. We'll initially be meeting out in public, so if she tries some martial arts on me, or chases me with a stick, I'll know to call airport security. For everything else, there's prayer.

2. I don't believe that will be the case. We've been talking, texting, FBing etc. quite frequently, but I think we're good for each other and she believes the same.

3. Again, I don't think this will be an issue. We're both crazy about each other.

4. I have no tips or advice for others, I'm new to all of this. Just be safe. Meet in public. Tell your loved ones. Use your God-given discernment. If something seems off about a person, you're probably right. Prayer about him/her and listen to what the Holy Spirit shares with you.

You were new to this. Now you are professional grade in on-line dating. I believe that this is going to work for the both of you. It is quite a love story. I did not need security at the airport when meeting my future wife for the first time and you won't either. That was very amusing though.

 

[secularhermit]

Whatever happen to sharing a few slices of pizzas at the neighborhood shop? The first date is really a "meeting of minds" to get to know one another. They can meet each other there without releasing any important info and the environment is usually safe. If I had to date a woman and she has more defensive shields up than the U.SS Enterprise versus the Klingons .... then I would probably cancel the date because I wouldn't feel comfortable around her. Just remember, it is a 2-way street.

Safety key questions I asked:

Do you have children?

Do you want more?

Do you want me to pay all what you should pay?

If we marry, do you want my country´s visa or your´s?

At that point I know more than enough.

Both parts are seeking safety and the "religious" background serves for nothing... The best and old example I have id David, the King. his heart was after God´s, he has more than one women (more than a dozen, you know) and he stole Uriah´s wife or, another "example" was the wife of a "rich" man, who wanted Joseph to cheat on.

There´s not bullet-proof-jacket when we know we fell in love.

Love is not an alley! Neither a dead-end street.