Rude-What if he says no?

djness · Jul 25, 2014

I have heard this song lately called Rude about a guy who asks his girlfriends father to let him marry her. The father says no basically cause the guy isn't in their wealth bracket. I got to thinking how it is customary to ask the father if a guy wants to marry a girl.
What if the father says no for whatever reason? It could be anything, maybe his favorite talk radio show went fuzzy at a stoplight and he missed the good part, but when you say to him " I would like to marry your daughter, we love each other.'' He says no.
So what do you do? Go against his wishes or tell her it is over have a nice life?

tourist · Jul 25, 2014

djness said:

I have heard this song lately called Rude about a guy who asks his girlfriends father to let him marry her. The father says no basically cause the guy isn't in their wealth bracket. I got to thinking how it is customary to ask the father if a guy wants to marry a girl.
What if the father says no for whatever reason? It could be anything, maybe his favorite talk radio show went fuzzy at a stoplight and he missed the good part, but when you say to him " I would like to marry your daughter, we love each other.'' He says no.
So what do you do? Go against his wishes or tell her it is over have a nice life?

The guy is not marrying her father but his daughter. If pops don't like it, too bad.

JimJimmers · Jul 25, 2014

I think you should be honest with her and tell her what happened. She knows what her dad is like. Then she can decide what kind of protector he is, and maybe give you some insight.

One thing I keep seeing is people who have been living together for years going to get married, and the guy asks her dad for permission. "Because it's the proper, traditional thing to do."

biscuit · Jul 25, 2014

djness said:

It really depends on the woman and her family. Some families will virtually 'disown' the woman for going against the family's wish. I have seen this happen and woman suffer throughout her marriage because of it. Some women could care less how the family feels about her future husband and marry him anyway. My family was total against my sister marrying a guy 16 years older than she was. I was somewhat against it. My sister is very smart and knew where the power in the family really was (biscuit). We are only one year apart and we had a long discussion about it and I agreed that my sister marrying him was a great idea. I had a tough sell but convince the family to go along. My father objected and said he would not "give her away." I told my sister that I would do the honor of "giving her away." That was 39 years ago and my sister is still happily married. There is always a solution if one really looks for it.

lil_christian · Jul 25, 2014

djness said:

I don't listen to much secular music but I do like the tune of that song. I have mixed feelings about it though, because I feel like, while you're in love with the daughter, if you ask and he says no, should you respect his wishes?

I'm not sure. My sister's fiance didn't even ask. My dad probably would have said no. Yet, they're still getting married, and my dad is planning on being in it...

As I said. Mixed feelings.

Ugly · Jul 25, 2014

tourist said:

But you are marrying into their family. And starting the marriage off by having his daughter go against his wishes without discussion is a surefire way to ruin the future of your marriage by creating a negative perception of yourself. Both by him, and likely by her entire side of the family. Unless he is the lone, cantankerous grump of the family that everyone disagrees with. Then it may be Less of an issue, but an issue nonetheless.
Also you will put the person you love in a compromising position of having to choose between you and her father/family. And it could cause a life long division in her family. All because you care more about getting what you want than the person you 'love' and the effects it could have on them and they people they love. Doesn't sound like love to me.
Seems wisdom would be to try to discus it with the father right then. And if he refuses, or can't be changed try again. Perhaps it was just a bad time. If that won't work then you, the father and your hope-to-be-bride sit down and talk with him. And not just to speak, but to listen. Why does he say no? Is it a wrong perception of you on his part? A grudge? Just the fear of losing his 'little girl'? Maybe he doubts your sincerity and when he see's you willing to fight for her will show him that you are serious. All things that can be worked out, keep peace in the family, prevent your being the bad guy and possibly get the blessing you're hoping for from him.
But i think the 'this is what i'm doing whether you like it or not' attitude will not win you any favor, nor is it in line with the kind of behavior of a person who would even ask a father to begin with.

tourist · Jul 25, 2014

Ugly said:

I guess I suck on relational advice. What you have said makes a lot of sense. I have found that it is important to get along with everyone in the family, especially the father. I have been through this twice in my life and it is not easy as both times I was marrying into large families. My last father-in-law told me that he loved me as a son. Things fell apart for me after the death of my wife in February and there are days where I really don't about anything at all. That is no excuse for my callous advice, I retract what I said and I am sorry for offering it. There probably will not be a third time with me so I will most likely never be in that situation again.

gypsygirl · Jul 25, 2014

this is really a guy question, but um, i would HOPE that he would discuss this thoroughly with the girl. she (and he) need to better understand the concerns and ascertain if the validity.

if my dad didn't like my beloved, i'd be rather concerned, since he's a perceptive and insightful person who loves me and has demonstrated great judgment in the past.

at the end of the day, it's not his decision, and i don't let others make decisions for me.

MissCris · Jul 25, 2014

Should I ever marry again, I really hope my step-dad says no...unless livestock is presented up front.

Ugly · Jul 25, 2014

tourist said:

I guess I suck on relational advice. What you have said makes a lot of sense. I have found that it is important to get along with everyone in the family, especially the father. I have been through this twice in my life and it is not easy as both times I was marrying into large families. My last father-in-law told me that he loved me as a son. Things fell apart for me after the death of my wife in February and there are days where I really don't about anything at all. That is no excuse for my callous advice, I retract what I said and I am sorry for offering it. There probably will not be a third time with me so I will most likely never be in that situation again.

No worries. We're all prone to that thinking in different areas of our lives. That's why we have each other to kick each others butts and get us back on track.

maxwel · Jul 25, 2014

In some cultures you are virtually "marrying the whole family"...
so in other cultures this issue is viewed much more seriously than it is here.

So what's my advice?

Hey, who listens to advice anyway?

: )

christian74 · Jul 25, 2014

I used to think it's my life and it is my decision on who I marry, therefore, whether my parents approve of her or not is irrelevant at the end of the day (and I did go through with an engagement with a gal that my parents didn't approve of). Now, I'm thinking slightly differently, not because how the relationship my parents didn't approve didn't come through, but because I feel the greater need or an obligation that I need to honor my parents' take on the matter more so than just putting it aside as "irrelevant" by giving some serious thought, effort, and especially prayer for God's will to guide us through.

Pipp · Jul 25, 2014

Ugly said:

But you are marrying into their family. And starting the marriage off by having his daughter go against his wishes without discussion is a surefire way to ruin the future of your marriage by creating a negative perception of yourself. Both by him, and likely by her entire side of the family. Unless he is the lone, cantankerous grump of the family that everyone disagrees with. Then it may be Less of an issue, but an issue nonetheless.
Also you will put the person you love in a compromising position of having to choose between you and her father/family. And it could cause a life long division in her family. All because you care more about getting what you want than the person you 'love' and the effects it could have on them and they people they love. Doesn't sound like love to me.
Seems wisdom would be to try to discus it with the father right then. And if he refuses, or can't be changed try again. Perhaps it was just a bad time. If that won't work then you, the father and your hope-to-be-bride sit down and talk with him. And not just to speak, but to listen. Why does he say no? Is it a wrong perception of you on his part? A grudge? Just the fear of losing his 'little girl'? Maybe he doubts your sincerity and when he see's you willing to fight for her will show him that you are serious. All things that can be worked out, keep peace in the family, prevent your being the bad guy and possibly get the blessing you're hoping for from him.
But i think the 'this is what i'm doing whether you like it or not' attitude will not win you any favor, nor is it in line with the kind of behavior of a person who would even ask a father to begin with.

Hey you stole my reply and put it better words ! Lol I completely agree with your answer.

Jullianna · Jul 26, 2014

If a father withheld his blessing, I suppose the next step would be to respectfully ask him why he felt that way. Maybe the dad knows his daughter far better than the guy, and may either know she is not ready or may see something in the guy that sends up some sort of red flag. If the father/daughter relationship is close/healthy, the guy might want to give careful consideration to what the father said. If the daughter really isn't ready, the guy should respect that. If the dad is troubled about the guy for some reason, a respectful conversation might clear up some misunderstandings. While I feel the lady should most definitely have a say, her dad's wishes are certainly something to ponder. Marriage is difficult enough without starting out with tension among family members.

Nautilus · Jul 26, 2014

i love the song so for reference:
[video=youtube;PIh2xe4jnpk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIh2xe4jnpk[/video]
But honestly I would probably follow the song.

Sorry not sorry but love trumps her dad everytime.

Fenner · Jul 26, 2014

My Dad died many years ago. My Husband didn't ask my Mom permission to marry me. I know everyone is different but it didn't bother me that he didn't ask. When we go engaged I was 27 and he was 29, so we both were adults, I think at least in my mind that's a different situation. My family likes him and his family likes me. We've been married for 15 years so it's worked so far.

Loveneverfails · Jul 26, 2014

The song's tune is quite catchy, but I don't like the message. The idea of asking someone for permission to do something and going into it with a "whatever, I'll do what I want, asking you was just a formality anyway" attitude just seems stupid. If you didn't intend to honor his wishes, don't bother asking. I think asking the father is a great move if the father and daughter have a good relationship. In my case, I love and trust my father. His opinion and approval matter to me, not because I am a piece of property that he owns, but because my father is gifted with discernment and if he truly saw any red flags I would want to know about them. For other women, this isn't the case.

My my best friend is getting married today, and for the past few weeks the running joke has been that "rude" was written about them. The entire course of their relationship, they've done nothing but go against her parents wishes, so it wasn't a huge surprise when her parents didn't give him their blessing to marry her. The groom DID have a "whatever I'll marry her anyway" attitude and it has really wrecked his relationship with her parents, but thankfully he was later counseled to try to make amends. He sat down with her parents and had a heart to heart regarding their concerns, and his love for her their daughter. It didn't completely fix things (her parents still feel thoroughly disrespected after so many years of not being honored), but it helped a little bit. I still think he should have showed more respect earlier in the process.

Btw, I've always viewed the "asking the father" ritual as asking for a blessing rather than asking for permission. It's true that both people are adults and technically don't need "permission". I've seen some people go ahead and get engaged and then approach her parents asking for a marital blessing.

Loveneverfails · Jul 26, 2014

Father's response to "rude". I like it

[video=youtube_share;TzyQx6AL1MQ]http://youtu.be/TzyQx6AL1MQ[/video]

lil_christian · Jul 26, 2014

Jullianna said:

If a father withheld his blessing, I suppose the next step would be to respectfully ask him why he felt that way. Maybe the dad knows his daughter far better than the guy, and may either know she is not ready or may see something in the guy that sends up some sort of red flag. If the father/daughter relationship is close/healthy, the guy might want to give careful consideration to what the father said. If the daughter really isn't ready, the guy should respect that. If the dad is troubled about the guy for some reason, a respectful conversation might clear up some misunderstandings. While I feel the lady should most definitely have a say, her dad's wishes are certainly something to ponder. Marriage is difficult enough without starting out with tension among family members.

I'm happy to see you posting again, Jullianna. ♥

ChandlerFan · Jul 26, 2014

It seems like it could possibly depend on the age factor too. It seems that it could be a little odd to ask a woman's father for her hand in marriage when she's in her 30's or older, but in her 20's she's still not that far removed from having lived with and been supported by her parents in most cases, and so it would make more sense in that situation.

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