How we communicate

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I have a ministry partner whose personality is very straight-forward, which I love about her most of the time, but it tends to offend people a lot and cause hurt feelings. Once, she hurt someone's feelings enough that the injured party went to the pastor to complain about it. (The injured party, however, is someone who kind of gets offended easily.) The pastor went to talk to the offending party, who said,

"This is just how I am. I say it like it is. It's nothing personal. I can't help how she takes things. She needs to have a thicker skin."

The offended party's response was,

"If someone is hurting people with their words, they need to change the way they are. They need to speak in a more sensitive way."

I, being completely neutral in the situation, felt that both sides had a valid point. One needs to try harder NOT to be offended. But the other needs to make an effort to say things in a way that won't offend. They both were responsible for the way things had gone. However, neither of them felt that there was anything wrong with their way of thinking.

What do you think? Can you relate to either side?

 

[zeroturbulence]

Words from the mouth of the wise are gracious, but fools are consumed by their own lips.
(Ecclessiastes 10:12 NIV)

A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.
(Proverbs 29:11 King James Bible)

 

[zeroturbulence]

One more..

Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.
(Colossians 4:6 NLT)

 

[AsifinPassing]

"A prophet has no friends."

I believe another way of translating Ephisians 4:15, if it were a proverb rather than command, would be to say, "Truth must be tempered in love."

I think you came to the start of an interesting aspect of relational life. For the one seeking objective truth, relationships are sacrificed. For the one seeking only loving relationship, truth can often be sacrificed. So, how to solve this?

Well, if one sought both to tell the truth and also to love and cherish the person/relationship. Hence, truth must be tempered with love.

There is truth to saying both could use change, and also truth in both parties' fault. It's easy to see and think about from the outside, but can one of the two come to value the other enough to sacrifice by changing herself? Therein lies another interesting aspect of life...

Jesus holds us accountable, humble, and changed if we ask and are willing to allow Him over our lives. On our own, though...like the song, "No one ever is to blame."

 

[vic1980]

I have a ministry partner whose personality is very straight-forward, which I love about her most of the time, but it tends to offend people a lot and cause hurt feelings. Once, she hurt someone's feelings enough that the injured party went to the pastor to complain about it. (The injured party, however, is someone who kind of gets offended easily.) The pastor went to talk to the offending party, who said,

"This is just how I am. I say it like it is. It's nothing personal. I can't help how she takes things. She needs to have a thicker skin."

The offended party's response was,

"If someone is hurting people with their words, they need to change the way they are. They need to speak in a more sensitive way."

I, being completely neutral in the situation, felt that both sides had a valid point. One needs to try harder NOT to be offended. But the other needs to make an effort to say things in a way that won't offend. They both were responsible for the way things had gone. However, neither of them felt that there was anything wrong with their way of thinking.

What do you think? Can you relate to either side?

Perhaps thee ministry partner whose personality is very straight-forward need to have a better understanding of being humble, meekness, gentle and the most inportant one Love toward another in Christ for we are all brother and sister. There are times that the tongue can start a fire that not needed . wisdom and knowledge is good, but can lead one to feel puffeth up higher than those around them. That is why it is important to stay humble.

1 Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 peter 3:8

Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.



God Bless

 

[cinder]

I have a ministry partner whose personality is very straight-forward, which I love about her most of the time, but it tends to offend people a lot and cause hurt feelings. Once, she hurt someone's feelings enough that the injured party went to the pastor to complain about it. (The injured party, however, is someone who kind of gets offended easily.) The pastor went to talk to the offending party, who said,

"This is just how I am. I say it like it is. It's nothing personal. I can't help how she takes things. She needs to have a thicker skin."

The offended party's response was,

"If someone is hurting people with their words, they need to change the way they are. They need to speak in a more sensitive way."

I, being completely neutral in the situation, felt that both sides had a valid point. One needs to try harder NOT to be offended. But the other needs to make an effort to say things in a way that won't offend. They both were responsible for the way things had gone. However, neither of them felt that there was anything wrong with their way of thinking.

What do you think? Can you relate to either side?

I've been thinking about this some as I see interactions in the forums. And to cut straight to the bottom line I'm just going to reference scripture (Matt 5:23-24)
If you are presenting a gift at the altar and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your gift there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your gift to God.

So in light of this passage I will say, if you know someone has a problem with you and you have not done what you can to make it right, then you have a problem with God. It is the responsibility of the offending party (whether the offense was intentional or not) once they are aware of the offense to pursue reconciliation. Love doesn't care who was right; love just wants to see people encouraged to continue on with God despite the bumps in the road.

The attitude of justifying ourselves is almost always rooted in pride not love and usually reveals where we are unwilling to submit to and be changed by God. A is too blunt, B is too easily offended both of them need to work on themselves not tell the other one to change.

Now if I've been blunt enough to offend both of them should I be proud of myself or do I need to go and try to patch things up?

 

[hoss2576]

I have a ministry partner whose personality is very straight-forward, which I love about her most of the time, but it tends to offend people a lot and cause hurt feelings. Once, she hurt someone's feelings enough that the injured party went to the pastor to complain about it. (The injured party, however, is someone who kind of gets offended easily.) The pastor went to talk to the offending party, who said,

"This is just how I am. I say it like it is. It's nothing personal. I can't help how she takes things. She needs to have a thicker skin."

The offended party's response was,

"If someone is hurting people with their words, they need to change the way they are. They need to speak in a more sensitive way."

I, being completely neutral in the situation, felt that both sides had a valid point. One needs to try harder NOT to be offended. But the other needs to make an effort to say things in a way that won't offend. They both were responsible for the way things had gone. However, neither of them felt that there was anything wrong with their way of thinking.

What do you think? Can you relate to either side?

Ideally it is a combination of both sides. The person does their best to use tact and approach the other in truth and love, while the one receiving the information practices receiving the info without offense. A lot of that comes down to knowing the people involved. If you don't know the nature of the person communicating it seems to be easier to take offense not knowing his personality. If you know the person, you can chalk it up to a personality trait. It doesn't absolve the person communicating though.

Why upset someone if you can simply choose to be more tactful in your delivery? There is a reason we have sayings like "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Gentle words work.

 

[Raine]

We are all far from perfection. There is always room for improvement. I think if you're unsure if it was your fault, take it to God and ask him how you could've handled the situation better. I think it's okay to be straight forward in all circumstances, but there are always better ways to phrase things in a loving way. However, those who want to be offended will always be offended.
But it seems that the hurt party approached the situation correctly by bringing up the issue instead of just burying it and storing it for later.

 

[MrsClementMelton1122]

I can relate to both sides. My friends ask me for advice and I tend to give more feedback that needed. I'm a very direct and blunt person but it hasn't always been that way. When I was growing up people would hurt my feelings and could easily offend me. Now, I'm bold as a lion but it took years for me to speak up and be sociable. The conversation could have went completely different if the offending party would open up and communicate how she felt. Though, I don't agree with how the aggressor approached the situation, this should be a learning experience.

 

[jer2911]

As I wrote earlier, growth in all areas is progressive and never finished. And my adage is... "Until Christ is formed in me." Thanks for sharing this thread, Raine. I'm meditating on the verses below: As Paul said, I'm not claiming I already achieved this, i'm pressing on towards the goal and forgetting the past. I like the Lion King scene of the monkey saying when he hit the lion. He said that it doesn't matter if it hurts. It's in the past.

[h=1]James 3:13-17New International Version (NIV)[/h][h=3]Two Kinds of Wisdom[/h]13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

 

[jer2911]

Oops! Grace-like-rain, thanks for starting this thread. And Raine, I liked your reply, concise and precise.

 

[Fenner]

I used to be one that got offended easily, the older I get the less offended I get. I've learned not to take things personally. It does bother me to read a post or hear something hurtful directed at myself or another person. It's OK to disagree but when someone lashes out at another with hate it's not right.

 

[Sirk]

"Search me oh Lord and see if there is any offensive way in me." The following is a handout my friend put together. Hope this helps.

The Signs of Wellness
(the blessings of living in compliance to the teachings of Jesus)

As a Christ follower regularly engages in the study of the Word, in prayer, and in intimate fellowship with other sincere believers who will pour into his life, God brings about some wonderful changes in the person’s character. I have found that these three characteristics combined are often a signal that the believer is ready to go “make disciples” himself. As best I can describe them, the three characteristics of people who demonstrate this mental and spiritual wellness in their lives are:


1. an inability to remain offended from slights, criticism, & gossip
Rom 12:14-19 NIV
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.


2. an inability to worry about the future
Matt 6:28-34 NIV
28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


3. an inability to feel insecure
Ps 139:13-16 NIV
3 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me
were written in your book before one of them came to be.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

This is a really interesting post. I run into these situations sometimes. I really need to ponder these scriptures that were posted and re-examine my point of view on it to make sure I'm in the right in my current way of thinking (Anyone here want to rebuke me or correct me, tell me I'm wrong.....please do, I love constructive criticism).

If someone says I offended them when I said something, I normally don't apologize if I'm not sorry. Not that I don't care that they feel offended, I make a point of saying "I'm sorry that you feel that way".....which I am, I don't want someone to feel bad and disrespect their feelings......but if it's just me being me and I don't particularly see anything wrong with what I said.....I look at it as their issue and not mine and I will tell them I can't apologize for it but I'll try to respect how they feel about whatever it was in the future. Because seriously, sometimes people get offended at the most retarded stuff (it's not always retarded or completely without merit, I just say that to make a point) and I honestly do not feel a bit bad about what I did. You can't help it if someone has an issue with being too easily offended.

But if I see a legitimate reason for what I did or said being wrong, I will apologize....but apologies should only be made when you actually mean them., That's my philosophy on it. I know there are probably times when I should be a little MORE sensitive than I am and other times I should be less sensitive....but I haven't perfected this kind of communication yet.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Based on what you've explained about the situation (so without knowledge of what was actually said), this is what I think:

-The easily-offended friend probably does need to grow thicker skin.
-The harsh friend does need to work on how she communicates with people. Part of social humility is tailoring your speech to your audience. Some people can take more direct language and may even need it, but to some that type of language or tone will only shut them off. Your harsh friend needs to learn that, and for this reason I would place just slightly more blame on her for this conflict. 'This is how I am, so deal with it' is not how you pursue peace in community, and the Bible does speak a lot more about the use of the tongue than about not being easily offended.
-Not that their reactions are uncommon or different from how I would probably react, but hopefully they will come to a place where they aren't pointing fingers across the table and will instead look in the mirror.

 

[JimJimmers]

-The harsh friend does need to work on how she communicates with people. Part of social humility is tailoring your speech to your audience. Some people can take more direct language and may even need it, but to some that type of language or tone will only shut them off. Your harsh friend needs to learn that, and for this reason I would place just slightly more blame on her for this conflict. 'This is how I am, so deal with it' is not how you pursue peace in community, and the Bible does speak a lot more about the use of the tongue than about not being easily offended.

This is exactly what I was thinking. If she is blunt to everyone, that is a problem. Bluntness is a tool, a very useful one. I have a sledgehammer in my shop, but I don't use it for every situation. I might do more damage than good.


People should think of how they want to be treated, the Golden Rule still applies. Another good rule of thumb seems to be: if almost everyone you meet is too sensitive, you are too harsh.

 

[lav]

Ephesians 4 New International Version (NIV)

Unity and Maturity in the Body of Christ

4 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. [SUP]2 [/SUP]Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. [SUP]3 [/SUP]Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.[SUP]4 [/SUP]There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; [SUP]5 [/SUP]one Lord, one faith, one baptism;[SUP]6 [/SUP]one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
[SUP]7 [/SUP]But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. [SUP]8 [/SUP]This is why it[SUP][a][/SUP] says:
“When he ascended on high,
he took many captives
and gave gifts to his people.”[SUP][b][/SUP]

[SUP]9 [/SUP](What does “he ascended” mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions[SUP][c][/SUP]? [SUP]10 [/SUP]He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.) [SUP]11[/SUP]So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, [SUP]12 [/SUP]to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up [SUP]13 [/SUP]until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
[SUP]14[/SUP]Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. [SUP]15 [/SUP]Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. [SUP]16 [/SUP]From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Instructions for Christian Living

[SUP]17 [/SUP]So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. [SUP]18 [/SUP]They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.[SUP]19[/SUP]Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.
[SUP]20 [/SUP]That, however, is not the way of life you learned [SUP]21 [/SUP]when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. [SUP]22 [/SUP]You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; [SUP]23 [/SUP]to be made new in the attitude of your minds; [SUP]24 [/SUP]and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
[SUP]25 [/SUP]Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.[SUP]26 [/SUP]“In your anger do not sin”[SUP][d][/SUP]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, [SUP]27 [/SUP]and do not give the devil a foothold. [SUP]28 [/SUP]Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
[SUP]29 [/SUP]Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. [SUP]30 [/SUP]And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. [SUP]31 [/SUP]Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. [SUP]32 [/SUP]Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

 

[seoulsearch]

I just also wanted to add... (Seeing that there are so many great answers here already) that it's always interesting to me to observe how blunt people can often never receive bluntness back at themselves.

I've met several Christian people who feel that being forward, direct, and sometimes, pretty darn tactless is actually their calling and gifting. They even cite old Testament prophets or Paul, who never held back a punch when it came to certain principles of God's truth, and will say that this is what God has called them to be like and do.

I have to admit that even Jesus Himself didn't soften His Words when He called the Pharisees blind guides and whitewashed tombs.

But I myself would never equate, or dare compare my authority with any of the prophets, Paul, or Jesus--no matter how learned I was or how much I thought I had been equipped. Others feel differently and seem to either believe they've earned the right or somehow have it bestowed on them to speak harshly to people. Some people also speak to people that way because it's what they grew up with and is the only way they know.

I always take a special interest in how these people choose to receive the same kinds of delivery methods themselves--do they take it to heart as a measure of correction in their own lives, assuming what's said is true? Or are they easily offended themselves but have little problem offending everyone else? Do they claim others just can't handle the truth of God in their lives, but yet never take their own advice?

They want to tell everyone else "the truth", but yet don't want to hear or receive an ounce of truth for their own lives. They criticize others heavily for making mistakes or weaknesses, yet they are the first ones to ask everyone for grace and prayer regarding their own problems.

The Bible says there is a time and place for everything, and that in all our getting, we should also receive understanding. Maybe people like this have not yet learned the time, place, and understanding of how to use their gifts.

I tend to keep my distance from such people. I had two mentors who always corrected me factually ("Kim, we do X, but we DON'T do Y", and the Y would be what I was doing at the time) but they were never harsh or belittling, which is what I try to emulate and always look for in the manner that people approach others. I myself find it hard to take anyone seriously who can throw the smack down on other people all the time but can never take the punches when they come back.

 

[Sirk]

People disagree with me on this but I believe that there are very very few if any interactions between people that are completely neutral. I really believe that when you speak with someone about virtually any subject you are either making a deposit or a withdrawal and likewise you are either receiving a deposit or giving a withdrawal.

 

[niceguyJ]

If I don't know the person well, I try to fall somewhere in the middle of those two people mentioned. Either extreme can be bad. If I know the person well, it allows me to cater my delivery more to that specific person. The better we know someone the easier it usually is to communicate with them.
Also, in person is a lot different than online in a public forum. In a forum you are normally addressing people you don't know well, or at all. You also can't hear the tone of their voice or see their body language. That can make communication a lot more difficult.

Jim,
Can I borrow your sledgehammer to hang a picture?