Old Thread Update: Frustrations with Dating Christians // Dating People With a Past

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
102
63
#1
Ok, so this might require a bit of reading for you all starting out. This thread is a spin-off of a 5-year old thread that was bumped. I think the OP of that thread is pertinent to this one, so I will start off by quoting [most of] it.

Hello Everyone,

Lately, I've seen a lot of discussion in the forums and in chat about whom Christians should date, and it seems that the "good Christian answer" is that Christians should always date other Christians and that it should be a no-brainer... with a reference to the passage that says we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

However, is it just me, or have you any of you had some extreme frustrations in dating other Christians? Whether it be doctrinal disagreements, maturity differences, etc.--what are your experiences and what advice do you have?

I, myself, am trying to adhere to a personal guideline of only dating Christians, but here are a few of my own frustrations with the guys I have met:

1. The guy who, when I was having struggles or problems, would withdraw for a few weeks, fasting and praying over what I'd told him (which was great!), but then would proceed to "give me a word" that he expected me to follow and obey without question. When I told him, "Well, I don't really think that applies to what I'm going through right now..." he said, "Well Kim, if you can't accept a Word from God, then I truly feel sorry for you," while naturally having several passages to quote in order to back his stance. (Of course, what I wanted to ask next was, "Who made YOU God?" but, I was good and restrained myself.)

2. Guys who are Christians (and/or were raised as Christians) but have had (or are still having) strong issues with addictions (sex, drugs, alcohol) but have an attitude of either, "God's forgiven (or will forgive) me," or, on the opposite end, "I'm such a failure" (in a self-pitying way) but in both cases, they expect you to put up with their repeated, deliberately terrible choices because they have yet to change. (Or, they've supposedly changed... but think you shouldn't mind that they've had a history of say, sleeping with 25 other people (not an exaggeration--in some cases, the numbers have been higher)... doing hard drugs... etc. when that's not how you've chosen to live your life... NOT that I haven't made my own mistakes, but they expect me to be perfectly comfortable with their pasts and forgive all.) First of all, they didn't do these things against me so I don't feel they need my forgiveness (if they didn't sin against me, it doesn't seem like they should think I owe them some sort of forgiveness, do you think?) but does that mean I have to marry someone with that history if I don't have that history myself?

3. A guy friend who has only been a Christian for about 3 years and is the nicest guy, but very unsure of himself in his relationship with God--he's always calling me and asking, "Do you think it's ok if I do this [watch such-and-such movie] or do that [buy such-and-such product], or would God disapprove?"

I also had a good guy friend who started going to my church because he thought it would help his chances in trying to date me--we never did date but he became a Christian and has been very actively involved in the church ever since.

I don't want to think that I'd try to wait for a "good" unbeliever to be saved so that I could date him... but I do have to say, I'm frustrated with dating other Christians!! I guess all I can do is wait it out for a "compatible" Christian who's in a similar place in their walk with God?
Really this thread has two tracks:
1) First of all, seoulsearch, I was interested to hear an update on what your experiences have been like since making this thread if you're willing to share :) And others can feel free to share their experiences as well.

2) (This is largely in reference to #2 on seoulsearch's list.) I'm a huge proponent of grace and showing it to people whom God has shown grace to. Every now and then I see/hear people on this forum and elsewhere talk about how they want to marry a virgin. This really bothers me because it's holding someone's past sin against them when God no longer does, and in that case I think it's the person who only wants to marry a virgin who really has the heart problem and doesn't really understand the gospel.

Now, I'm not saying that you are one of those people, seoulsearch, in that your examples of people you try to avoid as potential mates are those who have slept with numerous people and have addictions. In that case, I would say that I can understand there being concern with the person not having an entirely healthy lifestyle or mindset in their approach to things like sex, or with them having some type of STD that would prevent you from being able to be physically intimate in the event that you would get married. I also completely understand not wanting to date someone who is still addicted to sex or drugs for obvious reasons and I agree that any guys who justify their sin by saying God will forgive them should be ruled out.

But if the person had a checkered past filled with debauchery, but has repented of their sin and has worked through counseling and other means to get to a place of being able to live a healthy, normal life physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc., would you give them a chance? (This implies that they are not suffering significant physical and emotional consequences of their past sins.)

And with that I'm just looking for people's general thoughts on this. My take is that if a person has a really checkered past, but has repented and now lives a healthy life with the aim to glorify God with their life, who am I to say that they are unworthy of me? I would have no problem accepting, embracing, and dating such a person.

Thoughts from everyone else?
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#2
Hi Chandler,

Thanks so much for your interest in the topic and for writing this thread. I could write a novel in response but am trying to keep my posts a little shorter these days.

As for the update, Guy #1 and I parted ways years ago. He expected me to be obedient to his every word (which he believed was from God), and we weren't even dating. Guy #2 met someone and got married, and his wife, without ever having met me, sent me a string of accusatory texts hinting that I would try to steal her husband, quoting several Bible passages along the way. Obviously, that friendship ended. Guy #3 (not on the official "list" but mentioned in the following paragraph)... you guessed it, is getting married. His wife has graciously accepted me as her friend as well and I feel blessed for that.

As I often write about, I've been single now for about 11 years, and this is usually what happens--I become friends with a guy... we work through a few issues during our friendship... and then he meets someone... and gets married. (Wasn't there a movie about this? Good Luck Chuck, or something?) I'm starting to believe that God has somehow called me to be some kind of Friend Zone Marriage Prep Coordinator.

I could write a book about dating and "past issues". For the sake of brevity, I would just like to say, if it's in the past, great. Like you, I believe in giving someone a chance if they're repentant and now living differently. However, whether or not an issue is in the past is tricky.

My last relationship was with an alcoholic. He had a steady job, went to meetings, seemed to be doing well, had help from his Mom, went to church. To be honest, I still didn't want to get involved, but my friends told me I was being a Christian snob and that I should give him a chance. What happened? My entrance into his life was one of the worst things possible--for him, and for me. He probably didn't see it that way. But what happened is that I became an enabler, and he got to the point of not working at all and drinking all the time (why bother trying when someone else will worry about your kids instead of you?) The babysitter would call me to pick up his kids because he would call her and tell her he'd been drinking (she eventually took him to court and guess who picked up the tab.) The kids in turn would come to me because their father was too busy drinking to remember to feed them. And of course, he had no money for food because it was all spent on alcohol. He lost custody of his kids less than 6 months after I finally left him (I knew they would go to family... if that wouldn't have been the case and they would have been lost in the system, I don't know what I would have done because I could have never watched that happen). And trying to leave the relationship in itself was a horrible mess, as he would not let me go and I was close to getting the police involved.

If the past is the past, great. But if it slips into the present... you are headed for a big mess. I'm sorry this post is going to be longer than I intended but I think I should mention this. Seeing as I'm no longer 25 but 40 (I don't mean this as a put-down regarding age at all! I'm only demonstrating that as the years go by, so do opportunities to sin) and so yes, now it's very common for me to meet guys (Christian guys, too), who have had NUMEROUS sexual partners, and they feel that going for 6 months (and sometimes days) without sex is an eternity.

I'm not trying to discredit anyone here--kudos to anyone who has repented and is living a new life. I'm in that same boat. I walked away from my last relationship at age 29, am now 40, and have not gotten involved with anyone since that last relationship (though I've had temptations), so I know how tough it is, believe me.

But my point is, if someone is used to falling to sexual sin, or any particularly destructive sin for that matter, meeting someone won't automatically make it stop. If the person is used to venting, coping, or expressing themselves through a certain sin they keep going back to and can't break free of it... Then be prepared to deal with that sin as a couple should you choose to become involved with that person. Which, of course, goes for both people involved and all of the issues that they both have. Once everyday life kicks in, so will the old coping mechanisms. If someone has a bad day at work and they're used to coping by watching internet porn all night and/or picking someone up on the weekend, that behavior isn't going to stop just because the think they've met "the one."

Unfortunately, I have never had the opportunity to date a steadfast Christian guy. Any Christian guy I meet is married, newly single and looking for a rebound, has very different views than I do about things like alcohol, marijuana, and sex, OR is a great guy but we're just not a good match for whatever reason. At my Christian high school, the athletes and popular guys regularly bragged about going to the strip club on the weekends and carried condoms (which they showed off) in their wallets.

I have numerous stories I could tell and people are going to think I'm some kind of rapid-fire, serial dater, which couldn't be further from the truth--what they have to keep in mind is that I'm speaking from ELEVEN years of horror stories. In that time, I always think of 2 Christian guys I was actually excited to meet (one was a blind date, the other was through a dating site). Both were heavily involved in their churches, Bible classes, ministries... but being with them in person made me feel horribly uncomfortable... because they were looking for easy sex, which obviously is not me. One said his ex-wife would "bribe him with sex" to get him to do things he didn't want to do... then looked right at me and said, "And I would LOVE it if YOU tried to bribe me." He made me feel cheap and dirty, because nothing I had said had even brought on that conversation--I had simply asked how long he had been married. The second told me about his past with prostitutes... and the past is the past, right? Except that he also mentioned another girl he'd met not long before me from the dating website and that they had "made some bad decisions" but that "in a friends-with-benefits situation, someone always gets too attached."

Sigh. And so, you understand, that this is just a glimpse into the experiences I've had meeting "good Christian guys."

Now, there are plenty of great, upstanding guys here on CC I'd love to go to lunch with as friends to get to know them but apparently it's not God's will, as they all live too far away. (And no, I'm not saying I have romantic interests in or crushes on numerous guys here--I'm just saying I'd love the opportunity to become real-life friends with some of them and if it developed into something with one person, great!) Unfortunately, that's not what seems to be happening.

Something interesting as well... While I know some people will only consider marrying a virgin due to personal beliefs, high standards, waiting it out themselves or insecurity (wanting someone as inexperienced as they are, which isn't a bad thing at all), I've also heard another undercurrent of thought going in the opposite direction.

I've had conversations with Christian guys who say they're afraid of marrying a Christian girl, and certainly don't want a virgin, because they have a sexually experimental imagination, and fear that a "good Christian girl" will not agree to engage in their desires and fantasies. (As I get older, this is definitely the more popular train of thought I've been running into... then again, I take that back. The dating sights seem to be filled with plenty of 65-year-old men looking for 20-year-old virgins! :rolleyes:)
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
102
63
#3
That was an amazing post. You've got a lot of wisdom, and I agree with everything that you said. It is discouraging that you have had so many horrible experiences with self-proclaimed Christian guys, though. I just wanted to say a couple things to different parts of your post.

As for the update, Guy #1 and I parted ways years ago. He expected me to be obedient to his every word (which he believed was from God), and we weren't even dating. Guy #2 met someone and got married, and his wife, without ever having met me, sent me a string of accusatory texts hinting that I would try to steal her husband, quoting several Bible passages along the way. Obviously, that friendship ended. Guy #3 (not on the official "list" but mentioned in the following paragraph)... you guessed it, is getting married. His wife has graciously accepted me as her friend as well and I feel blessed for that.
Yeah, Guy #1 especially is just silly. It's unfortunate that things had to end up the way they did with Guy #2.

I could write a book about dating and "past issues". For the sake of brevity, I would just like to say, if it's in the past, great. Like you, I believe in giving someone a chance if they're repentant and now living differently. However, whether or not an issue is in the past is tricky.
I think this is huge. Sometimes it is difficult to discern whether or not the past really is the past with someone, so you really have to spend enough time around them and talking to them to figure out if it really is.

My last relationship was with an alcoholic. He had a steady job, went to meetings, seemed to be doing well, had help from his Mom, went to church. To be honest, I still didn't want to get involved, but my friends told me I was being a Christian snob and that I should give him a chance. What happened? My entrance into his life was one of the worst things possible--for him, and for me. He probably didn't see it that way. But what happened is that I became an enabler, and he got to the point of not working at all and drinking all the time (why bother trying when someone else will worry about your kids instead of you?) The babysitter would call me to pick up his kids because he would call her and tell her he'd been drinking (she eventually took him to court and guess who picked up the tab.) The kids in turn would come to me because their father was too busy drinking to remember to feed them. And of course, he had no money for food because it was all spent on alcohol. He lost custody of his kids less than 6 months after I finally left him (I knew they would go to family... if that wouldn't have been the case and they would have been lost in the system, I don't know what I would have done because I could have never watched that happen). And trying to leave the relationship in itself was a horrible mess, as he would not let me go and I was close to getting the police involved.
This is awful, and so terrible that you were put in such a compromised position.

If the past is the past, great. But if it slips into the present... you are headed for a big mess. I'm sorry this post is going to be longer than I intended but I think I should mention this. Seeing as I'm no longer 25 but 40 (I don't mean this as a put-down regarding age at all! I'm only demonstrating that as the years go by, so do opportunities to sin) and so yes, now it's very common for me to meet guys (Christian guys, too), who have had NUMEROUS sexual partners, and they feel that going for 6 months (and sometimes days) without sex is an eternity.
While I don't like making a habit out of questioning the sincerity of someone's faith, I always feel really inclined to when I hear about guys like these.

But my point is, if someone is used to falling to sexual sin, or any particularly destructive sin for that matter, meeting someone won't automatically make it stop. If the person is used to venting, coping, or expressing themselves through a certain sin they keep going back to and can't break free of it... Then be prepared to deal with that sin as a couple should you choose to become involved with that person. Which, of course, goes for both people involved and all of the issues that they both have. Once everyday life kicks in, so will the old coping mechanisms. If someone has a bad day at work and they're used to coping by watching internet porn all night and/or picking someone up on the weekend, that behavior isn't going to stop just because the think they've met "the one."
There is so much wisdom here.

I have numerous stories I could tell and people are going to think I'm some kind of rapid-fire, serial dater, which couldn't be further from the truth--what they have to keep in mind is that I'm speaking from ELEVEN years of horror stories. In that time, I always think of 2 Christian guys I was actually excited to meet (one was a blind date, the other was through a dating site). Both were heavily involved in their churches, Bible classes, ministries... but being with them in person made me feel horribly uncomfortable... because they were looking for easy sex, which obviously is not me. One said his ex-wife would "bribe him with sex" to get him to do things he didn't want to do... then looked right at me and said, "And I would LOVE it if YOU tried to bribe me." He made me feel cheap and dirty, because nothing I had said had even brought on that conversation--I had simply asked how long he had been married. The second told me about his past with prostitutes... and the past is the past, right? Except that he also mentioned another girl he'd met not long before me from the dating website and that they had "made some bad decisions" but that "in a friends-with-benefits situation, someone always gets too attached."
Yikes. The first guy you mentioned especially... What a joke.

Sigh. And so, you understand, that this is just a glimpse into the experiences I've had meeting "good Christian guys."
This is something that I've wrestled with a bit. Like I've always been the "nice, Christian boy" growing up in church and whatnot. Never felt drawn to the party scene or anything like that. But I've had serious struggles and still do, and I've gotten better about letting other men in my life in on that. But I guess I don't want to be a neat and tidy Christian boy. I'd like to get my hands dirty more than I do currently in terms of serving people and be more courageous than I tend to be.

Something interesting as well... While I know some people will only consider marrying a virgin due to personal beliefs, high standards, waiting it out themselves or insecurity (wanting someone as inexperienced as they are, which isn't a bad thing at all), I've also heard another undercurrent of thought going in the opposite direction.

I've had conversations with Christian guys who say they're afraid of marrying a Christian girl, and certainly don't want a virgin, because they have a sexually experimental imagination, and fear that a "good Christian girl" will not agree to engage in their desires and fantasies. (As I get older, this is definitely the more popular train of thought I've been running into... then again, I take that back. The dating sights seem to be filled with plenty of 65-year-old men looking for 20-year-old virgins! :rolleyes:)
And this is equally as ridiculous as wanting to marry a virgin. The whole concept of "sexual compatibility" is so silly. Forgive me if this comes across crude at all, but really it comes down to two things. Does he have man parts? Does she have lady parts? Then they are compatible. lol
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
6,194
1,319
113
33
Arizona
#4
Re: Old Thread Update: Frustrations with Dating Christians // Dating People With a

Personally ChandlerFan, in reference to your question for back, I bumpbed this thread because I was having frustrations about relationships and wanted to maybe be able to talk it out I guess.

I'm curious, that is sort of creepy like 60+ men wanting to marry young virgins. That is a very much tad creepy to me... Sorry but sometimes age is not just a number.
 
P

persNickety

Guest
#5
I couldn't date a guy who expects the pure beautiful Christian girl. Well actually he wouldn't accept me in the first place, because of who I am, and my past, and I would feel awkward and stifled too. I think you make a great point about people holding their pasts against them and only wanting to date virgins.

As far as checked pasts- even with serious repentance and devotion to God, it will always be a struggle. If someone had an addiction, it's not so much that they repented and now they are acceptable to date but that they are and will always be a work in progress.

For example, my ex.bf was very straightforward with me about some anger problems he has and gave me past examples with his ex's, he told me about the verbal abuse towards her, he told me about the physical abuse he had from his father, and how he loathed himself. He seriously repented for everything he had done, sought counselling, is a devoted Christian. But regardless. This stuff came up towards me when I was with him. I came along beside him to his counselling sessions. But at then end of it all, the past was too much in the present and destroyed us.
 
R

Raine

Guest
#6
Re: Old Thread Update: Frustrations with Dating Christians // Dating People With a

I can understand this frustration... Though I've only dated one guy who is supposedly christian and supposedly had repented from his old life... Dark secrets will always be exposed in the light. I have to admit my ex relationship has taught me a lot and now I focus more on the fruit in a person's life rather than just taking their word for it. I think one of the best things to do in a christian relationship is to share your struggles and your weaknesses, that way we can support one another.

On the other hand... If I'm being honest... I just don't ever see a good christian guy being attracted to me lol. I'm not very "angelic" at all and I still have a lot of things that God is working on, and who knows, they may become life long issues. But... I understand no one is perfect, I just seek a heart that is in love with Jesus the way I am. A man who longs to love others as God loves us. On the other hand... I think this is a process for me... But sometimes I think that I don't feel worthy to be in a good christian relationship because of my past actions, even though I know that God has already forgiven me and calls me to live as a new being.

Ive met some amazing christian guys who I admire... But it's almost like they are too godly for me lol. Not in the sense that I think they are better than me, but more so in the sense that I do not meet the standards that they want in a godly wife.

I found the sexuality compatibility comment funny as well... :p. Everything in a relationship is a work in progress, including intimacy. And it shouldn't be about "my desires" or "my fantasies," but more so about, how can I express my love to the other person thru intimacy? After marriage of course.

Sidenote: Aren't you proud of me Paul? I read your mega long OP lol.
 
B

biscuit

Guest
#7
Personally ChandlerFan, in reference to your question for back, I bumpbed this thread because I was having frustrations about relationships and wanted to maybe be able to talk it out I guess.

I'm curious, that is sort of creepy like 60+ men wanting to marry young virgins. That is a very much tad creepy to me... Sorry but sometimes age is not just a number.
What is even more creepier is when a virgin decides to sell it to the highest bidder on the web.:p
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
102
63
#8
I couldn't date a guy who expects the pure beautiful Christian girl. Well actually he wouldn't accept me in the first place, because of who I am, and my past, and I would feel awkward and stifled too. I think you make a great point about people holding their pasts against them and only wanting to date virgins.

As far as checked pasts- even with serious repentance and devotion to God, it will always be a struggle. If someone had an addiction, it's not so much that they repented and now they are acceptable to date but that they are and will always be a work in progress.

For example, my ex.bf was very straightforward with me about some anger problems he has and gave me past examples with his ex's, he told me about the verbal abuse towards her, he told me about the physical abuse he had from his father, and how he loathed himself. He seriously repented for everything he had done, sought counselling, is a devoted Christian. But regardless. This stuff came up towards me when I was with him. I came along beside him to his counselling sessions. But at then end of it all, the past was too much in the present and destroyed us.
Yeah, and the reality is that you can only have a relationship with someone (any kind of relationship) to the degree that they are healthy. Wherever they are still unhealthy, there are going to be roadblocks.
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
102
63
#9
I can understand this frustration... Though I've only dated one guy who is supposedly christian and supposedly had repented from his old life... Dark secrets will always be exposed in the light. I have to admit my ex relationship has taught me a lot and now I focus more on the fruit in a person's life rather than just taking their word for it. I think one of the best things to do in a christian relationship is to share your struggles and your weaknesses, that way we can support one another.

On the other hand... If I'm being honest... I just don't ever see a good christian guy being attracted to me lol. I'm not very "angelic" at all and I still have a lot of things that God is working on, and who knows, they may become life long issues. But... I understand no one is perfect, I just seek a heart that is in love with Jesus the way I am. A man who longs to love others as God loves us. On the other hand... I think this is a process for me... But sometimes I think that I don't feel worthy to be in a good christian relationship because of my past actions, even though I know that God has already forgiven me and calls me to live as a new being.

Ive met some amazing christian guys who I admire... But it's almost like they are too godly for me lol. Not in the sense that I think they are better than me, but more so in the sense that I do not meet the standards that they want in a godly wife.

I found the sexuality compatibility comment funny as well... :p. Everything in a relationship is a work in progress, including intimacy. And it shouldn't be about "my desires" or "my fantasies," but more so about, how can I express my love to the other person thru intimacy? After marriage of course.

Sidenote: Aren't you proud of me Paul? I read your mega long OP lol.
I can relate to not feeling godly enough for certain individuals.

And I am proud! haha I wondered if you would try to tackle that long of a read :p
 
P

persNickety

Guest
#10
Yeah, and the reality is that you can only have a relationship with someone (any kind of relationship) to the degree that they are healthy. Wherever they are still unhealthy, there are going to be roadblocks.
I think that's just it. He thought that he was healthy, because of the progress he made the past year. Unless I made him unhealthy again...I CAN be a pain sometimes... (I KID!)
 
J

jb02157

Guest
#11
This was a great post. I had the same luck trying to find a christian girl. Most of them try the same type of reasoning I'm hearing here to justify their sexual past, addictions etc. Since I wasn't into that scene I guess I figured I somehow deserved someone who wasn't into that either. But like you're saying hear, as I got into my late 20's all the single women at churches I went to were either in relationships, married or had very different views than I did on what is acceptable behavior for a Christian.

I found the biggest problem I had was my relatives pushing me into being married or feeling that I was being irresponsibile being single. I was the last one of my many cousins who got married. Some were Christian and some weren't so I expected a little understanding about this. They only beat the drum more loudly in my ear.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#12
Re: Old Thread Update: Frustrations with Dating Christians // Dating People With a

We all have a past, I have a past, I dated a pastor's son once, his sweet old Dad basically said, you're not the kind of girl we want our son to marry. He hardly knew me and I attended his church, but I wasn't the super Christian girl he wanted his son to marry. Talk about feeling judged and not wanted.

Anyhow I married a good man and have a relationship with God. My Husband wasn't a virgin when we got married either. It's not that looking back I wouldn't change the not a virgin part, but the only thing you can do is ask for forgiveness and move forward.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#13
Hi Chandler,

Thanks so much for your interest in the topic and for writing this thread. I could write a novel in response but am trying to keep my posts a little shorter these days.

As for the update, Guy #1 and I parted ways years ago. He expected me to be obedient to his every word (which he believed was from God), and we weren't even dating. Guy #2 met someone and got married, and his wife, without ever having met me, sent me a string of accusatory texts hinting that I would try to steal her husband, quoting several Bible passages along the way. Obviously, that friendship ended. Guy #3 (not on the official "list" but mentioned in the following paragraph)... you guessed it, is getting married. His wife has graciously accepted me as her friend as well and I feel blessed for that.

As I often write about, I've been single now for about 11 years, and this is usually what happens--I become friends with a guy... we work through a few issues during our friendship... and then he meets someone... and gets married. (Wasn't there a movie about this? Good Luck Chuck, or something?) I'm starting to believe that God has somehow called me to be some kind of Friend Zone Marriage Prep Coordinator.

I could write a book about dating and "past issues". For the sake of brevity, I would just like to say, if it's in the past, great. Like you, I believe in giving someone a chance if they're repentant and now living differently. However, whether or not an issue is in the past is tricky.

My last relationship was with an alcoholic. He had a steady job, went to meetings, seemed to be doing well, had help from his Mom, went to church. To be honest, I still didn't want to get involved, but my friends told me I was being a Christian snob and that I should give him a chance. What happened? My entrance into his life was one of the worst things possible--for him, and for me. He probably didn't see it that way. But what happened is that I became an enabler, and he got to the point of not working at all and drinking all the time (why bother trying when someone else will worry about your kids instead of you?) The babysitter would call me to pick up his kids because he would call her and tell her he'd been drinking (she eventually took him to court and guess who picked up the tab.) The kids in turn would come to me because their father was too busy drinking to remember to feed them. And of course, he had no money for food because it was all spent on alcohol. He lost custody of his kids less than 6 months after I finally left him (I knew they would go to family... if that wouldn't have been the case and they would have been lost in the system, I don't know what I would have done because I could have never watched that happen). And trying to leave the relationship in itself was a horrible mess, as he would not let me go and I was close to getting the police involved.

If the past is the past, great. But if it slips into the present... you are headed for a big mess. I'm sorry this post is going to be longer than I intended but I think I should mention this. Seeing as I'm no longer 25 but 40 (I don't mean this as a put-down regarding age at all! I'm only demonstrating that as the years go by, so do opportunities to sin) and so yes, now it's very common for me to meet guys (Christian guys, too), who have had NUMEROUS sexual partners, and they feel that going for 6 months (and sometimes days) without sex is an eternity.

I'm not trying to discredit anyone here--kudos to anyone who has repented and is living a new life. I'm in that same boat. I walked away from my last relationship at age 29, am now 40, and have not gotten involved with anyone since that last relationship (though I've had temptations), so I know how tough it is, believe me.

But my point is, if someone is used to falling to sexual sin, or any particularly destructive sin for that matter, meeting someone won't automatically make it stop. If the person is used to venting, coping, or expressing themselves through a certain sin they keep going back to and can't break free of it... Then be prepared to deal with that sin as a couple should you choose to become involved with that person. Which, of course, goes for both people involved and all of the issues that they both have. Once everyday life kicks in, so will the old coping mechanisms. If someone has a bad day at work and they're used to coping by watching internet porn all night and/or picking someone up on the weekend, that behavior isn't going to stop just because the think they've met "the one."

Unfortunately, I have never had the opportunity to date a steadfast Christian guy. Any Christian guy I meet is married, newly single and looking for a rebound, has very different views than I do about things like alcohol, marijuana, and sex, OR is a great guy but we're just not a good match for whatever reason. At my Christian high school, the athletes and popular guys regularly bragged about going to the strip club on the weekends and carried condoms (which they showed off) in their wallets.

I have numerous stories I could tell and people are going to think I'm some kind of rapid-fire, serial dater, which couldn't be further from the truth--what they have to keep in mind is that I'm speaking from ELEVEN years of horror stories. In that time, I always think of 2 Christian guys I was actually excited to meet (one was a blind date, the other was through a dating site). Both were heavily involved in their churches, Bible classes, ministries... but being with them in person made me feel horribly uncomfortable... because they were looking for easy sex, which obviously is not me. One said his ex-wife would "bribe him with sex" to get him to do things he didn't want to do... then looked right at me and said, "And I would LOVE it if YOU tried to bribe me." He made me feel cheap and dirty, because nothing I had said had even brought on that conversation--I had simply asked how long he had been married. The second told me about his past with prostitutes... and the past is the past, right? Except that he also mentioned another girl he'd met not long before me from the dating website and that they had "made some bad decisions" but that "in a friends-with-benefits situation, someone always gets too attached."

Sigh. And so, you understand, that this is just a glimpse into the experiences I've had meeting "good Christian guys."

Now, there are plenty of great, upstanding guys here on CC I'd love to go to lunch with as friends to get to know them but apparently it's not God's will, as they all live too far away. (And no, I'm not saying I have romantic interests in or crushes on numerous guys here--I'm just saying I'd love the opportunity to become real-life friends with some of them and if it developed into something with one person, great!) Unfortunately, that's not what seems to be happening.

Something interesting as well... While I know some people will only consider marrying a virgin due to personal beliefs, high standards, waiting it out themselves or insecurity (wanting someone as inexperienced as they are, which isn't a bad thing at all), I've also heard another undercurrent of thought going in the opposite direction.

I've had conversations with Christian guys who say they're afraid of marrying a Christian girl, and certainly don't want a virgin, because they have a sexually experimental imagination, and fear that a "good Christian girl" will not agree to engage in their desires and fantasies. (As I get older, this is definitely the more popular train of thought I've been running into... then again, I take that back. The dating sights seem to be filled with plenty of 65-year-old men looking for 20-year-old virgins! :rolleyes:)
Friend Zone Marriage Prep Coordinator. I found this title of yours to be amusing. I had a similar job title many years ago when I worked in manufacturing: Scrap / Rework Coordinator. It sort of fits in with your title as you seem to, at times, deal with men that have been around the block once or twice and are a little dinged and banged up. You spiff them up a little and then they go on their merry way. You probably don't even send them a bill for your services.

After my first wife was divorced me I had a couple of flings but I was not really looking for a good Christian girl, just someone to have a little fun with, and of course, the usual. I have repented of this many years ago and spent the next 18 years alone and celibate until God found a good Christian woman for me that I was privileged to become her husband until her death 11 years later of this year. With God's gentle guidance through the many years I was alone He prepared my heart to be in the right place in regards to what a loving relationship is supposed be like and how to serve Him with love in my heart. I am talking about years of trials and tribulations, most of which were of my own design. I am a graduate of the School of Hard Knocks. Some guys learn the hard way.

I believe that it is very important to accept a woman for who she is and the most important quality for me is that she have love in her heart to share with me that comes from God. I am not naïve or delusional or searching for a perfect woman because there is no such person as I am not perfect either, just striving to serve God the best that I know how with His grace.

As far as distance is concern my viewpoint is different than yours in that distance for me is not an obstacle. Of course, it would be very nice if that prospective special woman lived in the continental US.

I agree with you in that the past is past, if it indeed remains in the past as far as past lifestyles are concerned. It is important for me to find out a woman's past and her feelings and struggles in order to measure the degree of spiritual growth in that is evident in the present. Of course, this requires understanding and compassion on my part. Spiritual growth is critical for me in who I may be interested in and for myself in my humble service to God.

I always find your posts to be highly entertaining and spiritual. It is obvious to me that you have allowed God to work through you and change you to become the beautiful person that you are today. You always amaze me.

It doesn't seem to be happening for me either. That's the way the cookie crumbles I guess. It is still a good day though and life is not so bad. It is what you allow God to make it be. I still have much to learn and adventure awaits on my life's journey.
 
R

Raine

Guest
#14
I think that's just it. He thought that he was healthy, because of the progress he made the past year. Unless I made him unhealthy again...I CAN be a pain sometimes... (I KID!)
Are you sure? :p. My ex blamed me for him getting back into drugs lol.



And just to clarify... I've never done drugs in my life...
 

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#15
Hmm...part of me wants to post here, and I did enjoy reading some...but I said what I wanted to say in the "res'd" thread Seoul made, so this is all I could really think of to come up with on the spot...at the moment...

Always thought the virgin thing was weird, and I've long known about the opposite end of things. The difficulty is that the worldly part of us really wants that sinful relationship, and I think many of us don't know what the healthy, christian version of physical intimacy, or a 'good/godly' relationship even really means... so we project our thoughts of what it might be onto ourselves and whoever we decide to date.

You know...I've learned a lot through all my failed relationships, and given the chance (if God allows...), maybe I could do better...but then, the truth is, I still don't. From a Godly perspective (not just some doctrine), what is a healthy romantic relationship? What is a healthy sexual relationship *within marriage, naturally*? What does it all look like, feel like, or require to attain or sustain? I don't know... I have some ideas, through successes and failures in the past, but everyone is different.

In one or two cases, judging by my past relationships hurt the one I was in, and in other cases it helped. The relationship I had the longest, deepest, and 'best' if you will was the only one God convicted me about... Honestly, from a spiritual standpoint, it was very unhealthy. It stroked my flesh, and your flesh loves being stroked. ...but there were also very good things about it that I would hope for in any relationship. So what's the answer to it all? We have all these threads and talks and some even experiences...but after everything...I don't know. I'm still learning, and perhaps always will be... Maybe the difference is just finding someone that's a better influence who loves and chooses you through it all despite everything...but can you both be influences (iron sharpening iron) for the better while also containing jagged edges and your own chinks and flaws...Maybe...

Maybe it just takes someone you can mess up with, but that sill loves God...and will always chase after him (however inconsistently, scripture does say God judges by the heart...not by appearance like man [humankind]). I know that, if God wants people for you or a spouse for you (that argument aside given this result/assumption), than I think He would want situations that 'better' or rather 'teach and challenge' you...that draw you closer and help you know/trust/rely more on Him. I feel like a relationship should be a good thing, right? I've had that experience before... so why does it seem so hard for so many of us?
 
Last edited:
T

Tintin

Guest
#16
Re: Old Thread Update: Frustrations with Dating Christians // Dating People With a

If someone had a dark past and they're trying to justify it, that's an issue. The red flags are there to warn you.
If someone had a dark past that they've repented of and they're working to die to their old self daily and rising to new life in Christ, they regularly read the Bible and are willing to continue to learn to be more like Christ, don't hold their past against them. If you can see good fruit and a relationship working, go ahead and give it a go. If you can't deal with that, forgiven as their past is, then don't get involved. I can absolutely understand the concerns/fears that may rise when you learn such things, but if you love someone and they're displaying good, godly fruit and you can see they're truly repentant and that they're walking with God - awesome. We need to go back to the Bible and see what it says about the nature of godly love and then practice that same love in our daily lives.
 
I

INTJer

Guest
#17
I'm kind of frustrated, especially after trying a few "Christian" dating sites. I have gotten the message that I am the wrong sort of Christian. I am from a liturgical tradition that has a sacramental view of baptism. Several times I had dialog with someone - when the discussion came to church, I would get a reply like, "I was raised a - fundamentalist - evangelical - member of denomination X - whatever - I don't believe in rituals." End of discussion. It is like if your church is remotely Catholic-like, you are from the wrong side of the tracks and you are to be shunned. Now, there are relatively few churches I am really comfortable in, but I am cautious against labeling others as lesser Christians or "unsaved".

I fled from a liberal church as it got more libertine about its values. On the other hand, I don't have much good to say about legalistic churches that have an almost Islamic view of a woman's "purity" - we are all sinners in need of daily repentance, even when we think we are pretty good - maybe especially then. Now, I don't believe in the "try it before you buy it" mentality, but I wouldn't label someone as "ruined" if she didn't have a perfect past. I would be more interested in where she is now in her life.

I am older and never married and I don't fit into the usual stereotypes of that. I have carried a lot of responsibilities. I have a good career. I've had to do things like help take care of ageing parents. My library has thousands of books - I don't have a "library" of video games or porn. I think I have lived a sane, responsible life. But all some women see is "wrong" sort of Christian and never married - red flag!
 
B

biscuit

Guest
#18
Hmm...part of me wants to post here, and I did enjoy reading some...but I said what I wanted to say in the "res'd" thread Seoul made, so this is all I could really think of to come up with on the spot...at the moment...

Always thought the virgin thing was weird, and I've long known about the opposite end of things. The difficulty is that the worldly part of us really wants that sinful relationship, and I think many of us don't know what the healthy, christian version of physical intimacy, or a 'good/godly' relationship even really means... so we project our thoughts of what it might be onto ourselves and whoever we decide to date.

You know...I've learned a lot through all my failed relationships, and given the chance (if God allows...), maybe I could do better...but then, the truth is, I still don't. From a Godly perspective (not just some doctrine), what is a healthy romantic relationship? What is a healthy sexual relationship *within marriage, naturally*? What does it all look like, feel like, or require to attain or sustain? I don't know... I have some ideas, through successes and failures in the past, but everyone is different.

In one or two cases, judging by my past relationships hurt the one I was in, and in other cases it helped. The relationship I had the longest, deepest, and 'best' if you will was the only one God convicted me about... Honestly, from a spiritual standpoint, it was very unhealthy. It stroked my flesh, and your flesh loves being stroked. ...but there were also very good things about it that I would hope for in any relationship. So what's the answer to it all? We have all these threads and talks and some even experiences...but after everything...I don't know. I'm still learning, and perhaps always will be... Maybe the difference is just finding someone that's a better influence who loves and chooses you through it all despite everything...but can you both be influences (iron sharpening iron) for the better while also containing jagged edges and your own chinks and flaws...Maybe...

Maybe it just takes someone you can mess up with, but that sill loves God...and will always chase after him (however inconsistently, scripture does say God judges by the heart...not by appearance like man [humankind]). I know that, if God wants people for you or a spouse for you (that argument aside given this result/assumption), than I think He would want situations that 'better' or rather 'teach and challenge' you...that draw you closer and help you know/trust/rely more on Him. I feel like a relationship should be a good thing, right? I've had that experience before... so why does it seem so hard for so many of us?

On secular boards relationships are discussed more openly ... maybe too openly! There is the old school and the new school when it comes down to dating & marriage. I was very fortunate to live in the time period when marriages lasted 45 to 60 years or till death, and saw the dramatic differences between the two schools. If today's women really want to know what are the secrets to longevity in a relationship or marriage, should join these clubs or groups that usual filled with older married women. Today's women would reap an abundance of knowledge on what make men tick. Sadly, too many women rely on women whose relationship or marriage isn't any better than theirs.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
T

Tintin

Guest
#19
Now, I don't believe in the "try it before you buy it" mentality, but I wouldn't label someone as "ruined" if she didn't have a perfect past. I would be more interested in where she is now in her life.
Excellent! :)
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#20
I'm kind of frustrated, especially after trying a few "Christian" dating sites. I have gotten the message that I am the wrong sort of Christian. I am from a liturgical tradition that has a sacramental view of baptism. Several times I had dialog with someone - when the discussion came to church, I would get a reply like, "I was raised a - fundamentalist - evangelical - member of denomination X - whatever - I don't believe in rituals." End of discussion. It is like if your church is remotely Catholic-like, you are from the wrong side of the tracks and you are to be shunned. Now, there are relatively few churches I am really comfortable in, but I am cautious against labeling others as lesser Christians or "unsaved".

I fled from a liberal church as it got more libertine about its values. On the other hand, I don't have much good to say about legalistic churches that have an almost Islamic view of a woman's "purity" - we are all sinners in need of daily repentance, even when we think we are pretty good - maybe especially then. Now, I don't believe in the "try it before you buy it" mentality, but I wouldn't label someone as "ruined" if she didn't have a perfect past. I would be more interested in where she is now in her life.

I am older and never married and I don't fit into the usual stereotypes of that. I have carried a lot of responsibilities. I have a good career. I've had to do things like help take care of ageing parents. My library has thousands of books - I don't have a "library" of video games or porn. I think I have lived a sane, responsible life. But all some women see is "wrong" sort of Christian and never married - red flag!
It sounds like you are on the right track. Keep looking up!