I was talking to a woman I have known for a long time, when the topic of divorce came up. In the course of the conversation, she mentioned that she had been divorced 5 times. She is in her late 40's. The idea of being divorced 5 times just bore a hole in my head, because I cannot fathom it. I understand we are in a different day and age, and sadly divorce is becoming more common place. There are times when it is also totally out of nowhere, as in the case of adultery. So I am not saying I am "against" divorced people nor would I necessarily be hesitant of marrying a divorced woman. Is there a point though that a person divorces X many times where you become concerned? Would you need to know the circumstances of each divorce or would that make a difference?
Too Many Divorces?
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I think to be fair to the person, I would need to know the circumstances of each one. I hope this doesn't come across judgmentally because I know that there are people here who have totally legitimate reasons for having divorced and did nothing to contribute to the circumstances that led to it, but I think even one divorce is concerning. And obviously the level of concern goes up with each additional divorce as well.
my feelings about divorce have much more to do with the circumstances than the "number". all of the following things are essential for me if someone has been divorced:
+ willingness to offer transparency about the matters of the breakup
+ facilitating an understanding of the circumstances of the divorce
+ seeing evidence of learning, insight, healing and synthesis of that event in their life. i need to see that his life has been enriched from that experience--is he wiser for the experience or just angry and jaded?
+ must be capable of a fresh start, without harboring the bitterness of what happened previously. is he still badmouthing his ex and angry?
+ if he's a parent, he has to be a good one. in all the matters of responsibility, along with fulfilling the spirit of what parenting is all about.
+ adequate time has passed between the marital demise and pursuing something with me
i can't really say a number in which things are excessive. with the wrong guy, one is too many. it's almost inconceivable to answer this question without knowing the person and circumstances.
+ willingness to offer transparency about the matters of the breakup
+ facilitating an understanding of the circumstances of the divorce
+ seeing evidence of learning, insight, healing and synthesis of that event in their life. i need to see that his life has been enriched from that experience--is he wiser for the experience or just angry and jaded?
+ must be capable of a fresh start, without harboring the bitterness of what happened previously. is he still badmouthing his ex and angry?
+ if he's a parent, he has to be a good one. in all the matters of responsibility, along with fulfilling the spirit of what parenting is all about.
+ adequate time has passed between the marital demise and pursuing something with me
i can't really say a number in which things are excessive. with the wrong guy, one is too many. it's almost inconceivable to answer this question without knowing the person and circumstances.
I believe that there is definitely a point in someone's life where they would need to evaluate themselves and discern whether or not they have a healthy view of marriage.
One divorce, to me, could mean "Something terrible happened and our marriage was killed."
Two divorces could possibly mean, "Something terrible happened again, and I have learned a lot from my mistakes."
After that... I really don't know. As others have said, I'd need to hear the specifics, how long they were married, and know the person.
One divorce, to me, could mean "Something terrible happened and our marriage was killed."
Two divorces could possibly mean, "Something terrible happened again, and I have learned a lot from my mistakes."
After that... I really don't know. As others have said, I'd need to hear the specifics, how long they were married, and know the person.
J
The main thing that comes to mind is that first they have found Christ, and gotten to know and live in him. And yes it would be curious to know what happened in the past. But also realize that's how we learn, is from the past. I've seen people change greatly in life. Sometimes they change for the better, often the opposite. Everyone has their own story, it's what they do about it that matters.
While with an individual I cared about I hope I would be a little more gracious and willing to listen; I'd have pretty serious concerns about being with a person who had been through multiple divorces. I just have a hard time believing that if multiple marriages have failed for a person that that person has not contributed to it in some fashion. I would want such a person to be able to identify what they did that contributed to it (including if they find people they can't stand living with attractive or something like that) and what they plan to do in the future to avoid repeating such mistakes.
J
I once was friends with someone who was married to his first wife, he was her fifth hubs (and she was seven years older.)
she had a good side, and a bad side. I've seen her bad side, I wouldn't want to deal with her! But I've seen his bad side too. They both had substance abuse issues. Difference was she had a nasty attitude, a sort of "I'm all that" thing. She pulled a kitchen knife on him once! I was like "whoa!" And she once told me she was continually having an inner battle of good vs. evil. She's with #6 now (at least), I haven't talked to her in 20 years so maybe there were more. Wow that's scary...come to think of it.
she had a good side, and a bad side. I've seen her bad side, I wouldn't want to deal with her! But I've seen his bad side too. They both had substance abuse issues. Difference was she had a nasty attitude, a sort of "I'm all that" thing. She pulled a kitchen knife on him once! I was like "whoa!" And she once told me she was continually having an inner battle of good vs. evil. She's with #6 now (at least), I haven't talked to her in 20 years so maybe there were more. Wow that's scary...come to think of it.
S
Yup. {REDACTED} is TOTALLY undatable because her lying, conniving, cheating husband abandoned her and their daughters to hook up with another married woman (destroying not only his OWN marriage, but someone else's), and still chose to leave and divorce her while {REDACTED} was willing to forgive, and prayed for him, and fought tooth-and-nail to keep the marriage together even as he continued to cheat on her. See, because of her lying, conniving, cheating husband's inability to uphold the sanctity of marriage, {REDACTED} clearly has issues with infidelity herself, and her divorce is concerning. 
(Yes, I know you threw a disclaimer in front of it, but I really wanted to illustrate how immediately prejudicing someone based off of ONE aspect of their past of which you know so little can be so damning.)
(Yes, I know you threw a disclaimer in front of it, but I really wanted to illustrate how immediately prejudicing someone based off of ONE aspect of their past of which you know so little can be so damning.)
You sir, have my like!
We can never judge a person based on the count of divorces. Sometimes the person may be on the wrong but he/she may have learned from the mistakes. Other times the person may be the victim who finally decides to pull the plug on a miserable relationship. I don't think we can make a sweeping statement and say that anything more than a certain number is bad. Each person is unique with their own life stories to share.
We can never judge a person based on the count of divorces. Sometimes the person may be on the wrong but he/she may have learned from the mistakes. Other times the person may be the victim who finally decides to pull the plug on a miserable relationship. I don't think we can make a sweeping statement and say that anything more than a certain number is bad. Each person is unique with their own life stories to share.
Before this gets completely derailed, there is a difference between having concern and and being prejudice. A concern can simply mean it is an important aspect therefore you want to get further information which I think is what ChandlerFan was getting at, though I cannot truly speak for him. Having the concern just may mean you are going to ask the question, "What happened to lead to the divorce?" Shouryu, in the {REDACTED}'s case, she would explain the situation, and any concern would be gone. I don't see that as being prejudice.
B
Again!! it doesn't hurt to thoroughly investigate the individual before engaging in a relationship. Interviewing the previous spouses or mates can help tremendously with his or her decision to initiate. If you feel uncomfortable with the process, hire a private investigator who can really dig up the information quickly, including very personal info such as criminal record, financial status, some medical info and etc. I don't know about you, but I don't have a problem with it if it means I will have a better peace of mind, instead of kicking myself everyday for living with a 'hellcat' I can't get rid of. I compare it to running a virus scan on a computer. You will either get a clean scan, a few viruses or too many that you may as well toss the computer if you can't get rid of them.
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M
I would say that one divorce is cause for concern and is certainly something which should be thoroughly examined. Once it gets into multiples I feel that brings an even bigger concern for the true reasons behind why these divorces are happening. Ultimately we all have different circumstances so I can see there being perfectly legit reasons for someone to have gone through 5 divorces. That doesn't mean that I would walk into a relationship with someone blindly without feeling confident that there wasn't a larger issue at hand.
R
No offense but... To me, multiple divorces would make me question her judgement in terms of relationships and other people's character... Does she tend to just fall for any guy that comes her way and butters her up a bit? Does she simply go with the flow of her feelings? Does the way she handles stressful situations in relationships lead to it's downfall? Is she willing to be committed in a real relationship to the end? (At this point it seems no...). Did these divorces occur before she met Jesus Christ? What are her expectations of a husband? Are they biblical and realistic? Does she see divorce as an option or an easy way out of hard marriages?
Don't get me wrong, I understand getting a divorce when you are in an abusive relationship etc, but some people view marriage as a contract and not a covenant, therefore, if the standards of their contract isn't met they simply get a divorce. I would just take it slow in getting to know her... And don't ignore any warning signs... As you prolly do not want to be ex hubby #6.
Don't get me wrong, I understand getting a divorce when you are in an abusive relationship etc, but some people view marriage as a contract and not a covenant, therefore, if the standards of their contract isn't met they simply get a divorce. I would just take it slow in getting to know her... And don't ignore any warning signs... As you prolly do not want to be ex hubby #6.
