Awesome thoughts on Dating and Courtship

[Catlynn]

This article seems to be directed specifically towards young, single Christians who have grown up being taught that courtship is the correct way to go about finding your spouse for life. It has some amazing and very interesting insights into the whole idea. It's a bit long, but I think it's well worth a read.

Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed by Thomas Umstattd

 

[tourist]

This article seems to be directed specifically towards young, single Christians who have grown up being taught that courtship is the correct way to go about finding your spouse for life. It has some amazing and very interesting insights into the whole idea. It's a bit long, but I think it's well worth a read.

Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed by Thomas Umstattd

Dating is for those out to have fun. Courtship is for those that are considering marrying.

 

[Tintin]

Dating is for those out to have fun. Courtship is for those that are considering marrying.

It's not quite that simple, Tourist. Terminologies change over time and in different group settings.

Catlynn, it's so good to see you back on CC. I hope you're well.

 

[Oncefallen]

This article seems to be directed specifically towards young, single Christians who have grown up being taught that courtship is the correct way to go about finding your spouse for life. It has some amazing and very interesting insights into the whole idea. It's a bit long, but I think it's well worth a read.

Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed by Thomas Umstattd

Although I didn't have time to read the entire article I gotta say that of what I did read he has some tremendous points.

 

[Liamson]

Dating is for those out to have fun. Courtship is for those that are considering marrying.

Hey a snazzy catch all one liner. Shoot, sign me up!

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

This article seems to be directed specifically towards young, single Christians who have grown up being taught that courtship is the correct way to go about finding your spouse for life. It has some amazing and very interesting insights into the whole idea. It's a bit long, but I think it's well worth a read.

Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed by Thomas Umstattd

Really good points! The "never date the same guy twice in a row" thing seemed crazy until it was explained. I agree that courtship puts a LOT of pressure on a "couple". I also can attest to knowing quite a few women who are from courtshipping families that are now in their mid-late twenties and have never come close to starting a relationship or meeting a potential spouse. I used to be pro-courtship but I definitely see all of the flaws and possible snares this way of thinking can create.

(And, WELCOME BACK Catlynn! I've missed you!!)

 

[Catlynn]

Thanks! Happy to be back!

 

[1still_waters]

I have a friend who did the courtship thing. She courted about four or five guys. I lost count. Each breakup was super emotional, because it was viewed as an almost marriage from the first day. Seems more painful to end things with someone you thought you were for sure going to marry.

 

[Tintin]

Brilliant article! I do disagree with a few things. I haven't been brought up with the courtship model but I do see the damage it can do. I'm not sure about the idea of dating many, many women. The one I have now seems to be everything I could hope for. But I can still see how dating a few others would be beneficial for others.

 

[Desdichado]

I have a friend who did the courtship thing. She courted about four or five guys. I lost count. Each breakup was super emotional, because it was viewed as an almost marriage from the first day. Seems more painful to end things with someone you thought you were for sure going to marry.

Been there. Done that. Very true.

This article and the responses to it prove that there is no one perfect way to find the perfect relationship.

 

[jeremyPJ]

Somehow the direction of this thread scares the hair off my chin...I have not "dated" anybody in so long...And in my church, where I have been a year as of next week, I would be scared to ask anyone out there. only one woman has been that friendly with me, and she's moving to Fla. She hates cold weather, I don't like hot humid weather. But she was the first woman I talked to face to face that made sense to me in 20 years. The ones my ex hung out with were, in their own opinion, better than me. (?)

So glad I'm outta that!! But the thought of asking one out in my church scares me. It is in the next county, where everybody is related and knows everybody, and they seem a bit stand-offish with me. Not bad, just enough...

Besides, I don't feel healed enough yet from my past, but I'm making progress. I really am freaked out that I don't know how to date though.

 

[musicguy85]

I think the article definitely brings up a lot of very valid and interesting points and I agree with the majority of what I read. Ultimately neither "dating" or "courtship" is the perfect answer for everyone and I think they both have a place but there is much caution to be taken with either.

If I had anything I'd criticize it would be the following. In some parts of the article it tended to sound like they were encouraging just dating around for the sake of dating. I don't necessarily think that is a healthy approach to dating.

 

[kayem77]

A friend from church shared it on Facebook, and I found myself agreeing with most (if not everything) that was said. I don't know if I could date different guys within the same week, but I can see the point the author is trying to make. I hate it when people put so much pressure on a first date, as if it was the beginning of an engagement. Just calm down.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I don't see anything wrong with courtship... I mean if that's what my future daughter wants to do, I'm all for it!!

 

[Fenner]

Please don't stone me for this but I've always kind of thought of courtship as a way to control someone else. I don't want to offend anyone who has met their spouse this way. I'm also not saying, hey go out and date a bunch of people your parents hate.

I am sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I wasn't raised knowing anything about courtship, other than it sounded like something out of Little House On the Prarie. My thought is, what if your Daughter doesn't like the young man who's courting her, what then? It seems like a lot of pressure.

Again these are just my thoughts and everyone should do what's best for them.

 

[Stuey]

Brilliant article! I do disagree with a few things. I haven't been brought up with the courtship model but I do see the damage it can do. I'm not sure about the idea of dating many, many women. The one I have now seems to be everything I could hope for. But I can still see how dating a few others would be beneficial for others.

The idea of dating feels like it is more what we would term "hanging out" or something these days. Though perhaps more romantic? I don't know...

I totally understand the talk about pressure - this line here "This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage."

Kind of sums it up... Seems to be so much pressure with dating. Hmm.

The point on the difficulty of getting to know people in groups is also valid. I feel that 30 minutes with someone chatting alone is worth perhaps 2-3 hours of time in a group - depending on the group setting as well.



"If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you."

Yikes this. ^^^ Thoughts on that anyone?

 

[Fenner]

The idea of dating feels like it is more what we would term "hanging out" or something these days. Though perhaps more romantic? I don't know...

I totally understand the talk about pressure - this line here "This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage."

Kind of sums it up... Seems to be so much pressure with dating. Hmm.

The point on the difficulty of getting to know people in groups is also valid. I feel that 30 minutes with someone chatting alone is worth perhaps 2-3 hours of time in a group - depending on the group setting as well.



"If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you."

Yikes this. ^^^ Thoughts on that anyone?

I was thinking the same thing Study. It sounds like a lot of pressure for both the man and the woman.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Hmmm, interesting. The good ole days were better than I imagined. Like, it was normal to go out with as many people with you wanted.....it actually even be called dating and parents even encouraged that? What a marvelous time that must have been. lol. And the divorce rate was suuuper low for those that did marry compared to today. Apparently, our society has issues.

 

[Loveneverfails]

My grandmother was from the generation that differentiated between "dating" and "going steady". She was the pretty cheerleader/prom queen and sometimes in her teen years she'd get home from a date with John at 8:00, and get picked up by Bobby at 8:30.

The article is really interesting. I think the idea of dating of multiple people sounds crazy to us because of our definition off"dating" , but it seems like back then it was a way for very young people to socialize in a way which discouraged exclusivity. Fascinating stuff, but I don't think it would work in this culture unless there was a massive movement, because if you encouraged a 13 year old to date they would think you meant "going steady". It would be hard for a young teen to try "dating around" without being seen as having serious commitment issues haha. I know teen relationships are super brief but they strive for exclusivity. They're so obsessed with having a boyfriend/girlfriend rather than simply learning how to socialize with the opposite sex.

I've learned that the terminology has changed so much and has continued to change, so I hesitate to use labels, but I think the best way to describe my ideal is that a relationship should begin with a relaxed, non-exclusive level of interest, such as being friends first, or maybe going on some dates to get to know one another, but once things become EXCLUSIVE, it should be marriage-minded in the sense that the purpose is to determine if marriage would be a good idea, not in the pseudo-engagement way that some courtship communities encourage. I do like the involvement of parents if the couple is young, as long as it's in a blessing/advice role rather than a controlling role.

I hope that makes sense. I guess I'm favoring something of a hybrid between "dating" and "courtship".

 

[Arlene89]

I remember when I first started up in CC, I was still attending my old church that was very left of centre. My old church, (which never had numbers more than 15, which is including the pastoral family) heavily emphasised standards, discipline and correction and works. So I fully believed and was persuaded that their form of courtship was the only way, a male and female is NEVER to be left alone in the same room, a male and female is ONLY to get to know each other in a group context, etc.

As soon as I left that church, I pondered on courtship and realised I just couldn't do it. It just seemed unnecessarily hard and full of counterproductive hurdles. And in saying this, I very much agree about what the author said about being 'ready':

"I am not convinced that anyone is ever truly ready to get married. Readiness can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved. Marriage will always be a bit like jumping into a pool of cold water. A humble realization that you are not ready and in need of God’s help may be the more healthy way to start a marriage."

I'm really over this idea that people think they need to suffer to 'earn' a relationship and this is the heart of God for them. That's absurd! And I was fed that kind of nonsense for 14 months. I understand character, humility and levels of self-sacrifice are really important for a relationship and/or marriage, and that God wouldn't give His children blessings that would kill them, but I get really worked up when people portray our Heavenly Father as some heartless tyrant.

In every situation, in every context, in all things, keep your eyes on the Lord and do all things unto Him, to glorify Him in worship with intention to please Him. With different cultures, peoples and communities, relationships between a man and a woman prior to marriage is going to look different, but the ground boundaries and instructions can be found in the Bible. The Holy Spirit is there to guide us, don't allow rules and boxed instructions to smother the relationship we should have with Him. He is more than capable of leading us in the right direction if we quiet ourselves and listen.

There. Take my piece of pie and eat it!

*Throws papers in the air, walks out, slams door.*