Most Unfortunate

Beckster · Aug 16, 2014

I am 21 years old and terrified of dating. Well, to get to the root, I am terrified of men. I did grow up without a father which obviously plays a part. The step father I did have is not behind bars where he should be.
The few men I have encountered and risked going on a date with...it was awful. Not like embarrassing type of awful, but more like traumatizing and painful kind of awful.
It hurts because since I was a child I always dreamt of getting married and going through the wonders of becoming a mother.

I feel like a magnet for bad guys. ("bad" is putting it mildly). Now I unfairly judge every single guy I meet. Though my heart still sings for true love and that family I yearn for...I think I have given up on finding love, on just ever giving a guy a chance to date me and get into a relationship.

Does God truly have someone for me? Is it possible for God to change my heart and mind towards men?
I truly don't want to always be medicated every-time I go on a date just to remain calm and not panic. Nor do I want to rely on drinking as well.

Searching4Truth · Aug 16, 2014

You're still young. I'm sure you'll develop a trusting relationship with someone eventually.

Tinkerbell725 · Aug 16, 2014

Beckster said:

I am 21 years old and terrified of dating. Well, to get to the root, I am terrified of men. I did grow up without a father which obviously plays a part. The step father I did have is not behind bars where he should be.
The few men I have encountered and risked going on a date with...it was awful. Not like embarrassing type of awful, but more like traumatizing and painful kind of awful.
It hurts because since I was a child I always dreamt of getting married and going through the wonders of becoming a mother.

I feel like a magnet for bad guys. ("bad" is putting it mildly). Now I unfairly judge every single guy I meet. Though my heart still sings for true love and that family I yearn for...I think I have given up on finding love, on just ever giving a guy a chance to date me and get into a relationship.

Does God truly have someone for me? Is it possible for God to change my heart and mind towards men?
I truly don't want to always be medicated every-time I go on a date just to remain calm and not panic. Nor do I want to rely on drinking as well.

The secret of finding the right person is to be the right person. Work on yourself first and if you are ready maybe Mr right will come. If not then its perfectly OK because God is more than enough. He is all that we need.

Rachel20 · Aug 16, 2014

Firstly, answering your questions -

can God change your heart? Of course he can. Can you find love, of course you can.

But do you really need to find a guy and date him when you have so much internal conflict? I think you need to resolve issues with your family, your past and move closer to God.
Shouldn't your first love be God who made you, created you and knows you?

Give yourself a break. If you can't handle dating now, why do it.

Take your time and recover.

As for being a "magnet for bad guys" and something that's just inherently wrong with you, I'd say introspect a little bit.

Where are you meeting these guys? Are you putting yourself in risky situations?
Your likelihood of finding a good Christian guy who would love God and you would really dwindle in places like bars or clubs.

And secondly, yes it's great to have a family and a fairytale romance but that's not the ultimate fulfillment of life.

Take the opportunity of being single to learn more about God, work hard to be independent and make plans, learn new things, love and help other people.

You recognize you deserve more, so protect yourself and guard your heart.

Rachel20 · Aug 16, 2014

Oh and yes God can do anything. Nothing is too impossible for him.

So bring all your desires and hopes to Him. He is our father and surely He loves you.

May He bless you.

Ugly · Aug 16, 2014

Chances are you do attract the wrong type of men. We become affected by our upbringing and it determines how we act and even influences our body language and overall perception of various types of people around us. If there are things from your past concerning men (an absent biological father [abandonment] and a somehow bad step father [adding whatever negative element to men that his behavior generated]) and these ideas and memories stick with you. So your strongest and earliest memories of the men closest to you in your life are that they abandon people and, well, whatever was up with your step dad that makes him need to be behind bars.
Now that you're grown up, your mind has not really let go of the perceptions. So you approach men with this belief that your 'fathers' are the first impression, and therefore most accurate, depiction of men and their behaviors. This influence how you act towards men. And may even influence what kind of men you are attracted to. And every time you are attracted to that wrong type of guy and go out with them it, in your mind, reinforces the idea that you have of men. But in reality all you're doing (without knowing) is seeking out the wrong kind of men, without being aware.
And you probably put out 'good vibes' to these kinds of men, alerting them to you, because this is the kind of man you know, because it's the kind of man you grew up with. So you go with what is comfortable for you, even if you don't like it.

Personally, i'd say you need to delve deeper into your past as a child and the influence these two men had on your view of men. It's easy to say quickly, and on the surface, that you don't like their behavior. But what goes on in our minds subconsciously is not always the same as our conscious thoughts. Often times to admit these difficult things takes some time and thought and real effort to begin to see and admit the way we're influenced by things from a young age. It's a difficult process, having to admit things about ourselves, but its rewarding at the same time.

And, i will add, as a guy even, that yes, there are plenty of bad men out there. But there are a lot of bad women too. Sometimes it helps to keep in mind that much of what you see isn't gender specific, but you only see that side of it. Or perhaps only choose to take note of the mens faults and be more accepting of womens faults.
Fact is there are some horrible, horrible people out there, regardless of gender. And there are also many wonderful amazing men and women. Right now you just have to dig into yourself and make the adjustments to gear yourself in the right direction.
This should include prayer and the wisdom of the bible as well. Honestly praying for God to open your eyes to such things is often quite effective, sometimes too effective hahahaha. But we have to put in a little work as well, and not just sit back and wait for God to do it all.

Animus · Aug 16, 2014

I always advise women against dating before about 22 for a few reasons, but pertaining to this, the reason is that guys that are looking to date before they have their life together are usually the guys who are dating for the wrong reason to begin with. Consider a 17 year old guy, still in highschool, doesn't have a full time job, lives with his parents, doesn't know what he's going to do after highschool. Contrast this with a 23 year old who works in his field, has his own place, etc.. Young guys still want to date even though they are not in any kind of realistic position to get married. They don't even know where their lives are headed, so they couldn't possible know how they could realistically involve someone else in their lives. For this reason, a lot of good guys wait until they are older before they get serious about dating.

Point being, if you look around and see a bunch of bad guys and think that it must just be your perception, that might not be the case. At this age, the bad guys are generally the bigger daters, it's on the forefront of their mind, and so they are more aggressive about it.

zeroturbulence · Aug 16, 2014

Beckster said:

I am 21 years old and terrified of dating. Well, to get to the root, I am terrified of men. I did grow up without a father which obviously plays a part. The step father I did have is not behind bars where he should be.
The few men I have encountered and risked going on a date with...it was awful. Not like embarrassing type of awful, but more like traumatizing and painful kind of awful.
It hurts because since I was a child I always dreamt of getting married and going through the wonders of becoming a mother.

I feel like a magnet for bad guys. ("bad" is putting it mildly). Now I unfairly judge every single guy I meet. Though my heart still sings for true love and that family I yearn for...I think I have given up on finding love, on just ever giving a guy a chance to date me and get into a relationship.

Does God truly have someone for me? Is it possible for God to change my heart and mind towards men?
I truly don't want to always be medicated every-time I go on a date just to remain calm and not panic. Nor do I want to rely on drinking as well.

Stop dating bad guys and give good guys a chance.. Good guys may be boring, a little weird and not as 'hot', but they will treat you with the honor, love and respect that you deserve.

jogoldie · Aug 16, 2014

OK...........you tried it your way..........now will you try Gods way.......He has a plan for you already......
If you want to date a man........why not bring his name to God for His approval.......if you be patient
and be true in your request.......He will give you peace......if you are confused .......run........
And even before you consider dating........tell him your a christian......and if he isn't a christian.....save him........then find you a good christian boy and grow together.......that my girl will assure you success and save you the pain of what I did..........trying to fix something I couldn't.....if you find
Gods approval there will be no fear with that boy.....and I'm sure it won't take long if you show faith
in Gods time...........
Peace...........jo

Test_F_i_2_Luv · Aug 17, 2014

Animus said:

I always advise women against dating before about 22 for a few reasons, but pertaining to this, the reason is that guys that are looking to date before they have their life together are usually the guys who are dating for the wrong reason to begin with. Consider a 17 year old guy, still in highschool, doesn't have a full time job, lives with his parents, doesn't know what he's going to do after highschool. Contrast this with a 23 year old who works in his field, has his own place, etc.. Young guys still want to date even though they are not in any kind of realistic position to get married. They don't even know where their lives are headed, so they couldn't possible know how they could realistically involve someone else in their lives. For this reason, a lot of good guys wait until they are older before they get serious about dating.

Point being, if you look around and see a bunch of bad guys and think that it must just be your perception, that might not be the case. At this age, the bad guys are generally the bigger daters, it's on the forefront of their mind, and so they are more aggressive about it.

Well put...and by a 20 year old!

Same can be said of teen gals...

sassylady · Aug 17, 2014

I dated a few different so called Christian men after my divorce and have come away with the same attitude, that there are no good men left. Not true of course but that is how you feel after a few bad experiences. I have chosen to focus only on the Lord and seek Him. It does not matter if I ever meet somebody or if He has somebody in my future, He will take care of me every day I am on this earth. I do not need a husband to fulfill me. If I meet a man it is a bonus, but not a necessity.

biscuit · Aug 17, 2014

Beckster said:

I am 21 years old and terrified of dating. Well, to get to the root, I am terrified of men. I did grow up without a father which obviously plays a part. The step father I did have is not behind bars where he should be.
The few men I have encountered and risked going on a date with...it was awful. Not like embarrassing type of awful, but more like traumatizing and painful kind of awful.
It hurts because since I was a child I always dreamt of getting married and going through the wonders of becoming a mother.

I feel like a magnet for bad guys. ("bad" is putting it mildly). Now I unfairly judge every single guy I meet. Though my heart still sings for true love and that family I yearn for...I think I have given up on finding love, on just ever giving a guy a chance to date me and get into a relationship.

Does God truly have someone for me? Is it possible for God to change my heart and mind towards men?
I truly don't want to always be medicated every-time I go on a date just to remain calm and not panic. Nor do I want to rely on drinking as well.[/QUOTE

Yes! a relationship with God is crucial for your success with finding the right man. But you need to do your part in educating yourself on men and the various types. Trust me when I say that good men will avoid those women who set up "defensive shields" when they try to initiate a dialogue. You need to do your homework before entering the dating arena or you will be exploited.

Beckster · Aug 17, 2014

Tinkerbell725 said:

Thank you! You seriously just confirmed what I need to do. And I never thought I would say this but...I am actually excited to delve deep into God. God bless you Tinkerbell725! I think I will find myself content if I am surrounded by animals in need of love (I have a big heart for them).

Beckster · Aug 17, 2014

Rachel20 said:

As I read this I heard my mom's voice in my head. You both are quite right. Why am I in such a hurry? Though I know we are not promised tomorrow, doesn't mean I have to rush getting into a relationship. I can't bring all this luggage to a relationship either...I need to forgive people, myself and heal. That calls for intimate one-on-one time with God and I want Him so badly. I do not want to be hurting anymore.

Thank you for your most cherished advice. (And Only one guy was met at a bar. The rest surprisingly from church)

Beckster · Aug 17, 2014

Ugly said:

Chances are you do attract the wrong type of men. We become affected by our upbringing and it determines how we act and even influences our body language and overall perception of various types of people around us. If there are things from your past concerning men (an absent biological father [abandonment] and a somehow bad step father [adding whatever negative element to men that his behavior generated]) and these ideas and memories stick with you. So your strongest and earliest memories of the men closest to you in your life are that they abandon people and, well, whatever was up with your step dad that makes him need to be behind bars.
Now that you're grown up, your mind has not really let go of the perceptions. So you approach men with this belief that your 'fathers' are the first impression, and therefore most accurate, depiction of men and their behaviors. This influence how you act towards men. And may even influence what kind of men you are attracted to. And every time you are attracted to that wrong type of guy and go out with them it, in your mind, reinforces the idea that you have of men. But in reality all you're doing (without knowing) is seeking out the wrong kind of men, without being aware.
And you probably put out 'good vibes' to these kinds of men, alerting them to you, because this is the kind of man you know, because it's the kind of man you grew up with. So you go with what is comfortable for you, even if you don't like it.

Personally, i'd say you need to delve deeper into your past as a child and the influence these two men had on your view of men. It's easy to say quickly, and on the surface, that you don't like their behavior. But what goes on in our minds subconsciously is not always the same as our conscious thoughts. Often times to admit these difficult things takes some time and thought and real effort to begin to see and admit the way we're influenced by things from a young age. It's a difficult process, having to admit things about ourselves, but its rewarding at the same time.

And, i will add, as a guy even, that yes, there are plenty of bad men out there. But there are a lot of bad women too. Sometimes it helps to keep in mind that much of what you see isn't gender specific, but you only see that side of it. Or perhaps only choose to take note of the mens faults and be more accepting of womens faults.
Fact is there are some horrible, horrible people out there, regardless of gender. And there are also many wonderful amazing men and women. Right now you just have to dig into yourself and make the adjustments to gear yourself in the right direction.
This should include prayer and the wisdom of the bible as well. Honestly praying for God to open your eyes to such things is often quite effective, sometimes too effective hahahaha. But we have to put in a little work as well, and not just sit back and wait for God to do it all.

Yes, I do need to open the lids I have so tightly shut, keeping my past and childhood tightly locked away. But I am so afraid of the pain....and just bringing the monster of it all out. But *sigh* it is time isn't it? I wont completely heal without letting God do some surgery *giggle*

Beckster · Aug 17, 2014

Animus said:

and that is why I stay away from young guys. There are a few rare ones who seem to have a good head on their shoulders but I have dated a 28 year-old and he acted like a 2 year old. So....I am going to take your advice and just relax this year

I have plenty on my plate to get me through...and the most important that should have all of my attention is God.

You are a great mentor

Beckster · Aug 17, 2014

zeroturbulence said:

Where can these good guys be found?

Lynx · Aug 17, 2014

I flatter myself that I'm a fairly good guy... but I'd be a bit old for you. ^.^

Beckster · Aug 17, 2014

jogoldie said:

I LOVE this! Wish I could give you a big hug! I need to stop ignoring that nudge in my heart or my family and their advice. God speaks through them. And I need to be strong and firm and learn to say no with authority and not such a weak voice. Thank you

Ugly · Aug 17, 2014

Beckster said:

It's often times the guy you don't take notice of because he's not as outgoing or noticeable. The shy guy in the corner may not be as out going but there could be a lot of good hidden away that people never see because he doesn't fit some 'what a man should be' mold. When people don't really know him enough to say that.

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