Should We Tell People "God Has Someone Out There For Them"? Or... Be Honest.
Hey Everyone,
(I realize my threads are always long... For those who choose to read and participate, thank you, for those who don't like long threads, feel free to skip this.)
Something's been on my mind for a very long time. After reading countless threads from people who are wondering if they will ever "find someone" to share their life with (and, seeing as I often have that feeling myself), what do you feel is the best answer to give them? I am always especially sorrowful when I read posts from anxious young people and single parents because I can feel their loneliness.
I so often hear people say things such as, "God is preparing the perfect person for you. Just trust in His timing, do His work while you wait, and eventually, the right person will come along." I have heard this said to me so many times in my own life that someone may as well tattoo it on my forehead, as it often feels like people are reading a well-rehearsed script.
But I often feel it's a lie, as I don't know of any Biblical evidence that "God is preparing someone for you." (Feel free to list passages that correct me. I'd love to see them.)
I admit that this thread comes from a place of my own sadness and disappointment. When I was 25 years old, I came home from work to find that my then-husband had moved out without telling me. A few weeks later, I received divorce papers in the mail. Some time later, I found out that the reason had been because of a 19-year-female co-worker whom he had fallen in love with.
People told me "all the good, Christian things" that I read here on this site everyday. "God has someone for you, just be patient!" "Your single time is the best opportunity you'll have to serve the Lord!! Do it now while you can!!" "You're probably just not ready yet... God is preparing both you and the right person He has for you!!" Which is all fine, dandy, and possibly even somewhat true. For me, 25 years old was a fairly long time ago... as in, 15 years ago, and ironically, many of the people giving me this advice had been married nearly all their adult lives or have never lived alone for even 6 months, let alone a decade and a half.
And now as I get older, I can't help but think... What will I in turn say to all these people who have the same worried, desperate question I've wrestled with for so many years? A good friend of mine once told me something I felt was profound: "Sometimes... when God does not give an answer... THAT IS the answer." Jesus begged that His cup would be taken from Him, and the answer was silence... which became the Ultimate Answer.
I always think of a great Christian man I knew about 10 years ago whom I'll call "Wesley"--one of the most wonderful, noble Christian men I'd ever had the privilege of meeting. He was the kind of person who, as a Christian, you wished you could be more like.
Wesley had had more than his fair of trials. He and his wife had married young and lost a dearly beloved child they had spent years trying to have. His wife was having an even more difficult time coping than he was, and the doctor had prescribed her numerous medications. One day while Wesley was at work, his wife, in a medication-induced haze, took her own life, and he was the one who came home and found her. He was 28 years old at the time.
For many years, he threw himself into his career, working all the shifts no one else wanted because they were at home with their families. But the day eventually came when he very much wanted to get married again. You would think, of all people God would be "preparing someone for," Wesley would surely be one of them. But years... and decades passed, and when I knew Wesley, he was 58 and not even close to finding someone he would marry. It's not that it couldn't happen at any time... it's just that 3 decades had passed without an answer... which, as my friend pointed out, can sometimes be the answer.
Unfortunately, Wesley and I lost touch, and I don't know if he ever found someone that God had been preparing for him. He would now be around 68 years old. I most certainly hope he did find someone. But now, more than ever, I think of his story as I look in the mirror, seeing as I'm halfway through the point he was at when I met him.
Do believe too, that sometimes when God does not answer, He is actually giving us His answer? Though it's tough to accept, I've come to see it more and more as a real possibility.
Which leaves me with a serious lack of knowing what to say when I encounter someone else who is at the beginning, or in the midst, of their single journey. Time only moves forward. I refuse to tell others what so many have told me because in my heart, I will feel that I am lying to them. And yet, I want to say something encouraging... I'm just not sure what to say. "God has your life in His hands... Just trust Him with His plan for your life," which is very much true... But can also be said of the people who DO find spouses and have children as well as us who never do.
How do you feel about this? And what do you say to others who are worried they'll be single forever?
(I know it's so tempting to say, "You're so young. You have plenty of time!!" Most people told me that too. When I was 25. And still do, even now that I am, to my own self, past the age of bearing children--please don't tell me about Sarah, I already know her story, and I am not her. Medically, my time has past. So although I cringe when I see teens worrying about finding "the one", I also don't want to tell them an age-based cliche that I've been told all my life.)
In my own cynical mind... I want to tell them the truth: "Yes, you may very well be single for the rest of your life," but I refrain, because I know how much it hurts and don't want to hurt their feelings any further.
Hey Everyone,
(I realize my threads are always long... For those who choose to read and participate, thank you, for those who don't like long threads, feel free to skip this.)
Something's been on my mind for a very long time. After reading countless threads from people who are wondering if they will ever "find someone" to share their life with (and, seeing as I often have that feeling myself), what do you feel is the best answer to give them? I am always especially sorrowful when I read posts from anxious young people and single parents because I can feel their loneliness.
I so often hear people say things such as, "God is preparing the perfect person for you. Just trust in His timing, do His work while you wait, and eventually, the right person will come along." I have heard this said to me so many times in my own life that someone may as well tattoo it on my forehead, as it often feels like people are reading a well-rehearsed script.
But I often feel it's a lie, as I don't know of any Biblical evidence that "God is preparing someone for you." (Feel free to list passages that correct me. I'd love to see them.)
I admit that this thread comes from a place of my own sadness and disappointment. When I was 25 years old, I came home from work to find that my then-husband had moved out without telling me. A few weeks later, I received divorce papers in the mail. Some time later, I found out that the reason had been because of a 19-year-female co-worker whom he had fallen in love with.
People told me "all the good, Christian things" that I read here on this site everyday. "God has someone for you, just be patient!" "Your single time is the best opportunity you'll have to serve the Lord!! Do it now while you can!!" "You're probably just not ready yet... God is preparing both you and the right person He has for you!!" Which is all fine, dandy, and possibly even somewhat true. For me, 25 years old was a fairly long time ago... as in, 15 years ago, and ironically, many of the people giving me this advice had been married nearly all their adult lives or have never lived alone for even 6 months, let alone a decade and a half.
And now as I get older, I can't help but think... What will I in turn say to all these people who have the same worried, desperate question I've wrestled with for so many years? A good friend of mine once told me something I felt was profound: "Sometimes... when God does not give an answer... THAT IS the answer." Jesus begged that His cup would be taken from Him, and the answer was silence... which became the Ultimate Answer.
I always think of a great Christian man I knew about 10 years ago whom I'll call "Wesley"--one of the most wonderful, noble Christian men I'd ever had the privilege of meeting. He was the kind of person who, as a Christian, you wished you could be more like.
Wesley had had more than his fair of trials. He and his wife had married young and lost a dearly beloved child they had spent years trying to have. His wife was having an even more difficult time coping than he was, and the doctor had prescribed her numerous medications. One day while Wesley was at work, his wife, in a medication-induced haze, took her own life, and he was the one who came home and found her. He was 28 years old at the time.
For many years, he threw himself into his career, working all the shifts no one else wanted because they were at home with their families. But the day eventually came when he very much wanted to get married again. You would think, of all people God would be "preparing someone for," Wesley would surely be one of them. But years... and decades passed, and when I knew Wesley, he was 58 and not even close to finding someone he would marry. It's not that it couldn't happen at any time... it's just that 3 decades had passed without an answer... which, as my friend pointed out, can sometimes be the answer.
Unfortunately, Wesley and I lost touch, and I don't know if he ever found someone that God had been preparing for him. He would now be around 68 years old. I most certainly hope he did find someone. But now, more than ever, I think of his story as I look in the mirror, seeing as I'm halfway through the point he was at when I met him.
Do believe too, that sometimes when God does not answer, He is actually giving us His answer? Though it's tough to accept, I've come to see it more and more as a real possibility.
Which leaves me with a serious lack of knowing what to say when I encounter someone else who is at the beginning, or in the midst, of their single journey. Time only moves forward. I refuse to tell others what so many have told me because in my heart, I will feel that I am lying to them. And yet, I want to say something encouraging... I'm just not sure what to say. "God has your life in His hands... Just trust Him with His plan for your life," which is very much true... But can also be said of the people who DO find spouses and have children as well as us who never do.
How do you feel about this? And what do you say to others who are worried they'll be single forever?
(I know it's so tempting to say, "You're so young. You have plenty of time!!" Most people told me that too. When I was 25. And still do, even now that I am, to my own self, past the age of bearing children--please don't tell me about Sarah, I already know her story, and I am not her. Medically, my time has past. So although I cringe when I see teens worrying about finding "the one", I also don't want to tell them an age-based cliche that I've been told all my life.)
In my own cynical mind... I want to tell them the truth: "Yes, you may very well be single for the rest of your life," but I refrain, because I know how much it hurts and don't want to hurt their feelings any further.
) 
