What do I do

J_davis116 · Mar 30, 2015

Im new here and joined for the reason of what I'm about to say. I'm 17. A little over a year ago me and this girl started dating. I had never had a girlfriend before and it was starting to bother me. I was always sad a downtrodden and bullied even though I went to a Christian school (it wasn't very Christian at all). All my other friends had girlfriends and looked and acted so happy and joyful and peaceful I didn't care what it was I wanted it. I was lonely, sad, felt forgotten and lost. I prayed every night for years that God would bless me. So about 3 years ago my friend started dating this girl and brought her to church and everything and I was supposed to date her friend I knew from elementary school. It didn't work and neither did my friend and this girl he said "it was too difficult". Before I move on if like to mention when something happens I have a bad habit of trying to make myself believe that it's been building up for years to make me more comfortable with it. Now fast forward to 2013. It was December, I was really depressed and I hate to say it but I had kinda decided if I didn't find anyone before 2014 I never would and I was gonna give up. I prayed Lord let someone text me right now and save me from what my mind so desperately wants me to do, and the girl my friend dated texted me and we just kinda talked for a while. That night at youth my friend said "yeah she's not a virgin but she's nice and you have a chance take it". I didn't really like this girl but I was desperate so I tried to tell myself I liked her back when I first met her which I guess I liked her more than the girl I was with because she talked to me more I don't really know. January 5 I ask her out. Honestly she lied to me and I thought she was someone else than who she really is and I caved in a lot of things that I don't really want to mention... Anyways her family stresses me out to the max I can't deal with them and I'm pretty sure they hate me. My family is upset because of how depressed and stressed I am because of how she acts and treats me. Since the beginning she has lied to me broken promises gone behind my back and always brings up something new from her past and we've been together a year and she still hasn't told me everything. She expects me to be all physically loving but I don't want to and she forces me she demands attention and if I don't give it she makes me miserable. I'm a leader in my youth group but she disowns me for trying to talk to people she doesn't like to get them to come to events or they're struggling. I regret what I've done and regret asking her out. As of now I feel like I'm only with her out of guilt for what I've done or the fact that any time I even hint at breaking up she cries and I disregard what I said just so I don't have to send her home crying which as a Christian I can't bring myself to do. She's a nice girl she's just very troubled and I feel like after so long its going to be too much for me to handle breaking up. Plus I feel scared in a way because with her I have the security of being with someone but without her I don't and that scares me because after being bullied so long I like to feel safe. I cannot deal with either path any longer however. Recently I was diagnosed with acute stress disorder which basically causes me to lose extreme amounts of weight be miserable all the time never sleep never feel good always be sick with something and be weak and drained all the time because I'm so stressed its slowly killing me. I really need help but I can't bring myself to do anything. Honestly right now I just want someone to talk to to comfort me and help me and talk to me. There was a girl that was talking to me on kik but she thinks I'm a creep because I said something along the lines of how beautiful she was even though she thought otherwise and later that night that at the moment I had a girlfriend which upset her greatly and she's yet to forgive. I just need someone to talk to or at least advice on what I should do. I have prayed non stop but i can't find peace. I know I should probably leave her but I'm too scared

what do I do? And what should I do to comfort myself that I may not find someone else because of what I've now done? Not many girls want to date a Christian who hasn't really lived up to what he says he's about right.....someone just help me please....

Ugly · Mar 30, 2015

That was hard to read because you didn't break up the wall of text enough to make it easy to follow, so i only skimmed over it to get the idea.

This is really easy to answer. I get that acting on it is much harder, but as far as what needs to be done is obvious.
This girl is NOT nice. She is abusive. And you're so desperate to be with someone, she sees it, and she knows she can bully and pressure and manipulate you because you'd rather be mistreated than be alone. If you think you're miserable now, just wait, you haven't seen anything yet. This girl hasn't even broke the surface with the meanness he will eventually show to you if you don't end this thing as soon as possible.
Praying for peace? Why would God give you peace? You are purposefully and willfully participating in a bad relationship. With someone you didn't want to be with to start with. And who abuses you and manipulates you. Pray all you want, you won't find God giving you peace about this because it is a horrible situation and clearly not something God put you in.

-Get rid of this girl as soon as possible, i promise you, those 'sad tears' will turn into anger soon as she realizes she's not getting her way. Then you will see how fake her tears were.
-Get counseling. Seriously. You are 17, not even old enough to be married, and are so scared and desperate to not have someone you'll allow yourself to be mistreated? Something is wrong in your thinking and you need someone to dig around in that thinking of yours and find something else in you to believe in than dating.

Maybe you will marry one day, maybe you will never marry. But as long as you base your self worth, happiness on whether or not you have someone you will never be a complete person and you will never have a solid relationship with God because you are clearly looking outside of God to find yourself. God will give no peace to you while looking to evil girls to make you feel whole.

J_davis116 · Mar 30, 2015

I guess all I want is verbal affirmation that I'm doing something good or worth something... Like that's why I wanted a girlfriend in the beginning is kinda that feeling that someone actually wants to be with you and that company only a significant other can bring you

blue_ladybug · Mar 30, 2015

Ugly gave you some good advice..you would be wise to listen to it..

Fenner · Mar 30, 2015

I agree with Ugly. She might cry but believe me she'll get over it. It will be ok, just be nice about it but firm. You need to distance yourself from this girl..

CEF · Mar 30, 2015

Hey, I have read your story and I will be glad to help you in anyway that I can. My name is Catherine and I'm already praying for you. I've been in a very similar situation so I know how you feel.

Ugly · Mar 30, 2015

J_davis116 said:

Right. I know what you're looking for. And that is why i wrote the response i did. Doesn't change a single thing that i said because i wrote it with that knowledge. You aren't the only person to have similar feelings. But you are taking it to a further extreme than most people. Your self esteem, identity, self worth are wrapped up in whether or not another person views you as valuable.
But guess what. You girlfriend doesn't view you as valuable. She clearly doesn't give a crap about you at all. The very thing you're looking for is the opposite of what your relationship reflects. What your relationship DOES reflect is how you view yourself. Not worthy of anything good, so you're willing to take anything, even if it's bad, rather than nothing.
You will never be a happy person until you change. You will always date selfish, abusive people because you will draw those kinds of people to you because you have 'doormat' stamped across your head. Any good woman will not want you because a good woman wants a man who can lead, not a boy whose self worth is wrapped up in other people. One that can't be a leader. If you can't stand up for yourself how will you ever stand up for a good woman?
Time for you to get out of that unGodly relationship, get some counseling and start finding your worth in something more consistent than people. Because people will always hurt you, let you down, put you down. People will come and go in and out of your life. You have chosen to base how good of a person you are on something that has no consistency.
If you want to do something good, leave that witch and find out why you think a person makes you complete. And 'only a significant other can bring' is a self deception. There are countless people all over this planet that do Not required a 'significant other' to feel good about themselves, or as evidence of their worth. If you think that's what is required you are lying to yourself. The truth is that is the standard YOU have Created for Yourself. You have chosen to think that's truth, when it's not.

G4JC · Mar 30, 2015

Ugly said:

I read it. TL;DR: The guy is in an abusive relationship as you mentioned, and is also the leader of his youth group.

First of all, make sure you are born again through Jesus Christ. (Many church goers are not born again, and have no idea what it means so throwing this out there) If you're not visit: www.needgod.com for a personality test and salvation message.

Secondly, this girl doesn't sound anything like what you would want in a future spouse.
Read Proverbs 31:10-31 to learn about what a real virtuous woman is. So I agree with other posters here, you need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.

Lastly, you should take a break from being the leader of your youth group for awhile. Let them know that you'd like prayer and are working out things in your own life, you can't be on the front lines of trying to help others when you yourself are in need of help. Or as James 3:1 also puts it bluntly, you are held more accountable for teaching others:
Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. - James 3:1

So, I would start by taking a break for awhile. Get off kik, facecrack, social media, and texting. Read the Bible, and Pray.

Encouraging music for you:
The Words I Would Say - SideWalk Prophets

J_davis116 · Mar 30, 2015

Well I told her I needed time apart to figure life out and she's extremely angry. I just pray she makes smart choices. And to clarify she was never mean or hateful to me or physically abusive she just wanted a different kind of relationship than me and didn't have the same plans for her future as me which caused dissention between us and led to this. Please be in prayer for both me and her.

J_davis116 · Mar 30, 2015

Update:
Now she's extremely depressed and I'm worried for what she'll do. She made a profession of faith at a youth event I just pray she meant it and keeps to it

PeterJens · Mar 30, 2015

My advice is different to these guys, sorry.
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

Do you know the meaning of this verse? You are in no state to make any decisions, or anything. You current feelings are a mess, like your girl friends, two lost ships clinging to each other. There is no way you have a clue currently why or how you are doing anything, it is all a blur. You need to slow down, to find yourself, to do things because you know you want to do them, because you feel that way and that is what you need and it is ok to express this.
Jesus came to make us real, to put us in touch with ourselves, to be authentic, real, alive. You should never de value the people around you, and most of all never devalue yourself. Jesus died for you, to bring you his love.

Your girl friend will find her way fine if you start being real, start just expressing you likes and dislikes. Until you start doing this you do not know if you have a real relationship or it is just power plays. The truth is through all the crap we do, real need and love often shine through, but you only find it by not compromising on important stuff.

Guilt. You need to confess your sins before the Lord and accept forgiveness. If you feel you have hurt others, tell them how you feel and say sorry. You will then discover often the hurt is different than you thought, and things more involved, but until you open up, you never discover the reality.

I hope this helps, for we serve a great Lord...

J_davis116 · Mar 30, 2015

That was probably the best reply I've seen thank you so much. And I've told her I still want to be friends and take her to church and such just remove the romantic obligation and try to grow together as people not feelings

PeterJens · Mar 30, 2015

G4JC said:

There are some who give advice that in not loving. Many girls substitute boyfriends as a way of getting acceptance and love missing from family and friendship groups. It is not a bad thing, on clinical, but something you can love and support them through. Unfortunately it creates a possessive type of relationship, because they have a fear of loss, and if it breaks up, can become suicidal. These situations are not the boyfriends fault, and are merely a consequence of massive need and unresolved acceptance. To see your way through this though you have to be in touch with yourself and what you can do to help, but a girlfriend boy friend relationship is not really the answer when you are talking about basic personality needs and just friendship group support and development issues.

The other side which is somewhat darker is many psychological issues first show themselves at your age, when young people go from being children to young independent adults. It is one of the hardest times you will face, with unbelievable mood swings and not quite being sure what you want to be or where you are headed. Now this is all very, very normal, and completely outside any faith framework, it is just life in the raw...

PeterJens · Mar 30, 2015

J_davis116 said:

On a side note, my son got into a relationship around your age with a girl who was part of a friendship group. They were just learning out intimacy, sharing, caring etc. After a year or so they broke up, which she took very hard. Her twin sister had been dating my sons best friend, which also broke up, and both got very depressed, one who attempted suicide. It was finally worked through, but it took time, and my son is still friends with them 8 years later. So you are not alone, at all, so it can help to reach out to others who have had similar experiences to give you insight into what you can do to help, and to understand some of what is going on...

tourist · Mar 30, 2015

For a 17 year old you seem to have a lot of stress in your life. The girl is high-maintenance. Who needs all of this drama. My advice is to lose her. Forget about the romance for awhile and give yourself a chance to catch your breath and get your head screwed on straight. Before, you could be sad about the fact that you never had a girlfriend and now you are regretting that you do. Focus on the youth stuff. Don't worry about getting a new girlfriend. You've done it once and you will do it again. Next time though, do it on God's time and not your own. Say your prayers tonight too.

J_davis116 · Mar 30, 2015

I thought it was on Gods time to begin with because literally not 5 seconds after I prayed for a sign she texted me but then again a lot of stuff has happened to me like that. It doesn't really make sense. And I'm still terrible at getting and maintaining a relationship because I'm the kind of guy that's kind of socially awkward because I went to a small school and never really learned social skills. I never really had friends to do anything with nor did I want to I was more interested in going fishing and stuff by myself. I didn't even feel like friends were necessary until i got older and my sister had more people at my birthday parties than me so I just sat there the whole time by myself and watched them have fun because they didn't want a little kid playing with them. Nobody honestly ever really catches feelings or likes me that much it was more like she was desperate and I was desperate so we both compromised. I see now it's not worth the pain however. At this point I just really want to have someone with common interests to hang out with and talk to which is what I thought I'd get with her but I didn't.

PeterJens · Mar 31, 2015

J_davis116 said:

Intensity. Jesus is about being relaxed, knowing you are loved for who you are, not for being someone else. There are social empathetic people who reach out to others, but have little concern for the bigger picture, and interests, and others who like things and pursue ideas, hobbies. My son would rather play with his toys etc in the bottom of the garden than be with people, or maybe one other. My daughters focus is integrated with others, social support, outgoing etc.

It is discovering your style that matters and who you click with. Some social people delight is creating this "I am better than you because I have this list of people I chat with."

Unfortunately it can often be air head chat, and people just being nice.

So you need to practice your social skills, and discover things you are interested in, which you can share with like minded people. It will involve fear, awkwardness, embarrassment etc. but that is just part of the learning experience.

Also learn to think the best of situations, focusing on what you have achieved and not on the areas you feel you failed at. It is always about counting the progress, and learning skills, which takes time and perseverance.

J_davis116 · Mar 31, 2015

Im currently trying that people aren't really responding back though everyone is too busy lol

Ugly · Mar 31, 2015

J_davis116 said:

Far as it somehow 'not being Christian' to make her cry, that's not at all biblical. Loving someone isn't giving them what they want, it's being honest and open, even if it has to hurt them. Because eventually it's going to happen, and the longer you wait, the more painful you make it for someone.
What you're saying is 'i don't think it's Christian to make her cry, so i'm going to lie to her and stay miserable because that's what God teaches us'?

Now she suddenly makes some statement of faith? Yeah right. More manipulation. This girl has you wrapped around her little finger and knows how to manipulate you.

'Want to grow together'. What this translates to is 'i'm codependent on you'. You are still finding your worth in having her around, you just think if you end the romantic stuff she'll stop mistreating you. She won't. She'll cry, pressure, beg, demand that you get back together. She won't accept this platonic friendship for long.

You, or others, may think i'm being mean, but i'm not. I'm being honest with you. You asked for advice, and i'm giving it to you. I recognize the patterns of her as the abuser, and you as the victim. It's textbook. Sadly, the only advice you've received so far is the one that says to tolerate her behavior. This will be my last post on the subject as i suspect you will still disregard anything said to you that isn't what you want to hear, like so many that come to this site.

jakayden2 · Apr 1, 2015

Hey bro.... I know that ur probs going through a really hard tme right now and im sorry that I kinda dnt have any advice since im pretty lost right now too but just know that there are people praying for u lyk me

lols god bless x

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