C
I know this will be a very long post, but I just needed to get it out. It's something I've never told anyone, but I know I need to tell someone if I want to recover from it. I'm a youth leader at my youth and I don't want to disappoint anyone. It makes me feel a lone, like I'm the only one going through this. It's just been hard. Some parts of my life are going great, other parts feel like a black hole. What am I doing with my life? I call myself a Christian, but why am I doing all these impure things. How did it get to be this deep and this far from the Word? I don't even know who I am when it comes to this. I'm perfectly fine in the day, but when night comes and I'm alone, something else takes over me. The guilt is overbearing. I don't want this feeling or these weights anymore but I don't know what to do. It's been two days since I stopped, but Im scared I'll just do it again. What's wrong with me. I am not myself and I don't know who that is anymore. I put up a front to show I'm perfectly fine; the usual easy going person, but is that really me? Everyone knows me as the innocent, Christian girl who can do no wrong, no harm, and is always walking by faith. But that is far from the truth and I wish it wasn't. How did this impure habit begin? It was definitely gradual. I've thought over and over again in my mind about it and even traced the path as far back to when I played with barbies. So this is the path that took over my life without anyone knowing, sending it into a big black void:
1. Barbies- when I played with barbies, I would always make them have relationships and kiss each other. Fairly innocent, but that's the start of it all.
2. Sims- I would create couples and make them do all the romantics things like kiss, make out, and even "woohoo" which I didn't quite know at that time, but I knew I liked making my sims do it.
3. Manga- when I first got into manga, there were a few that had some nudity here and there. At first I didn't mind it, but one day, at Barnes and nobles, I found a manga that had girls with large breasts in bikinis and even fully nude in some scenes. I thought I would be appalled by it and would automatically close it, but no, I continued to read it on the floor of the store hoping no one would pass by and see what I had in my hands.
4. Gaiaonline- After sims progressed becoming more detailed with better quality games and I was more into anime and manga, I was introduced to Gaia. It was all fun and games, dressing an avatar and talking to people around the world through anime related topics. But one day, I found out about cybering. This was another turning point. Rather than keeping this sin to myself, it now involved an anonymous other half to interact with. This is where I learned many new horrible and disgusting terms as well as cuss words that could be used in a sexual way. Learning this from the other users on the site, it would actually get me going, following how they would cyber and even saw some photos they would send, both guys and girls. This went on for a couple years; from middle school to half of high school and even some times in early college.
5. Apps- While the whole Gaia thing continued, I also found different apps on my iPod touch that would also interact with other people through chat rooms. There were many of these and it would be exactly the same, but it got worse and worse as I got more and more into it. By this time I started to recognize what I was doing and I would find myself guilty everyday for what I had done the night before. I would create profiles on these apps and talk to random strangers. And eventually they wanted pictures, but with an itouch back then, there was no camera, so I would use pictures from online. This was a start of looking through pornographic images.
6. Pornography & adult chat rooms- this was a whole new level. I found sites where it was easily accessed and free. At first I actually enjoyed what I saw and read, but obviously I knew how far I've gone and the guilt just drove deeper and deeper. I would watch it and chat with others almost every night and beat myself up for it the next day. But the cycle never stopped. This went on until college and has still continued on recently, but still is not the worst.
7. Kik & snapchat- This is the worst... It seemed to be similar to the other chat apps like before but the difference with this was that I now had a phone with a camera, which is obvious where this leads to. While chatting away like I normally did, eventually I was becoming stupid enough to take anonymous images and videos of myself and sending it to those I talked to. This among all is the one most regretted. Why I was that stupid, idk. But at the time I didn't care. And this was the most painful to deal with the following days.
I was disgusted with myself. I hated who I was on the inside. I wanted to be the person everyone thought I was, but every time to tried to quit, I always found myself back at the beginning and beating myself up even more each time.
Only recently did I decide to completely delete the apps, the email accounts, and the accounts on the apps. But I still feel the weight of what I've done and it will never go away. I struggle to stay on the right path and I pray I don't go back.
I hope I can get feedback on what to do and what could help me stay on the right path in my life.
1. Barbies- when I played with barbies, I would always make them have relationships and kiss each other. Fairly innocent, but that's the start of it all.
2. Sims- I would create couples and make them do all the romantics things like kiss, make out, and even "woohoo" which I didn't quite know at that time, but I knew I liked making my sims do it.
3. Manga- when I first got into manga, there were a few that had some nudity here and there. At first I didn't mind it, but one day, at Barnes and nobles, I found a manga that had girls with large breasts in bikinis and even fully nude in some scenes. I thought I would be appalled by it and would automatically close it, but no, I continued to read it on the floor of the store hoping no one would pass by and see what I had in my hands.
4. Gaiaonline- After sims progressed becoming more detailed with better quality games and I was more into anime and manga, I was introduced to Gaia. It was all fun and games, dressing an avatar and talking to people around the world through anime related topics. But one day, I found out about cybering. This was another turning point. Rather than keeping this sin to myself, it now involved an anonymous other half to interact with. This is where I learned many new horrible and disgusting terms as well as cuss words that could be used in a sexual way. Learning this from the other users on the site, it would actually get me going, following how they would cyber and even saw some photos they would send, both guys and girls. This went on for a couple years; from middle school to half of high school and even some times in early college.
5. Apps- While the whole Gaia thing continued, I also found different apps on my iPod touch that would also interact with other people through chat rooms. There were many of these and it would be exactly the same, but it got worse and worse as I got more and more into it. By this time I started to recognize what I was doing and I would find myself guilty everyday for what I had done the night before. I would create profiles on these apps and talk to random strangers. And eventually they wanted pictures, but with an itouch back then, there was no camera, so I would use pictures from online. This was a start of looking through pornographic images.
6. Pornography & adult chat rooms- this was a whole new level. I found sites where it was easily accessed and free. At first I actually enjoyed what I saw and read, but obviously I knew how far I've gone and the guilt just drove deeper and deeper. I would watch it and chat with others almost every night and beat myself up for it the next day. But the cycle never stopped. This went on until college and has still continued on recently, but still is not the worst.
7. Kik & snapchat- This is the worst... It seemed to be similar to the other chat apps like before but the difference with this was that I now had a phone with a camera, which is obvious where this leads to. While chatting away like I normally did, eventually I was becoming stupid enough to take anonymous images and videos of myself and sending it to those I talked to. This among all is the one most regretted. Why I was that stupid, idk. But at the time I didn't care. And this was the most painful to deal with the following days.
I was disgusted with myself. I hated who I was on the inside. I wanted to be the person everyone thought I was, but every time to tried to quit, I always found myself back at the beginning and beating myself up even more each time.
Only recently did I decide to completely delete the apps, the email accounts, and the accounts on the apps. But I still feel the weight of what I've done and it will never go away. I struggle to stay on the right path and I pray I don't go back.
I hope I can get feedback on what to do and what could help me stay on the right path in my life.