Impurity

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ChristianGirl95

Guest
#1
I know this will be a very long post, but I just needed to get it out. It's something I've never told anyone, but I know I need to tell someone if I want to recover from it. I'm a youth leader at my youth and I don't want to disappoint anyone. It makes me feel a lone, like I'm the only one going through this. It's just been hard. Some parts of my life are going great, other parts feel like a black hole. What am I doing with my life? I call myself a Christian, but why am I doing all these impure things. How did it get to be this deep and this far from the Word? I don't even know who I am when it comes to this. I'm perfectly fine in the day, but when night comes and I'm alone, something else takes over me. The guilt is overbearing. I don't want this feeling or these weights anymore but I don't know what to do. It's been two days since I stopped, but Im scared I'll just do it again. What's wrong with me. I am not myself and I don't know who that is anymore. I put up a front to show I'm perfectly fine; the usual easy going person, but is that really me? Everyone knows me as the innocent, Christian girl who can do no wrong, no harm, and is always walking by faith. But that is far from the truth and I wish it wasn't. How did this impure habit begin? It was definitely gradual. I've thought over and over again in my mind about it and even traced the path as far back to when I played with barbies. So this is the path that took over my life without anyone knowing, sending it into a big black void:
1. Barbies- when I played with barbies, I would always make them have relationships and kiss each other. Fairly innocent, but that's the start of it all.
2. Sims- I would create couples and make them do all the romantics things like kiss, make out, and even "woohoo" which I didn't quite know at that time, but I knew I liked making my sims do it.
3. Manga- when I first got into manga, there were a few that had some nudity here and there. At first I didn't mind it, but one day, at Barnes and nobles, I found a manga that had girls with large breasts in bikinis and even fully nude in some scenes. I thought I would be appalled by it and would automatically close it, but no, I continued to read it on the floor of the store hoping no one would pass by and see what I had in my hands.
4. Gaiaonline- After sims progressed becoming more detailed with better quality games and I was more into anime and manga, I was introduced to Gaia. It was all fun and games, dressing an avatar and talking to people around the world through anime related topics. But one day, I found out about cybering. This was another turning point. Rather than keeping this sin to myself, it now involved an anonymous other half to interact with. This is where I learned many new horrible and disgusting terms as well as cuss words that could be used in a sexual way. Learning this from the other users on the site, it would actually get me going, following how they would cyber and even saw some photos they would send, both guys and girls. This went on for a couple years; from middle school to half of high school and even some times in early college.
5. Apps- While the whole Gaia thing continued, I also found different apps on my iPod touch that would also interact with other people through chat rooms. There were many of these and it would be exactly the same, but it got worse and worse as I got more and more into it. By this time I started to recognize what I was doing and I would find myself guilty everyday for what I had done the night before. I would create profiles on these apps and talk to random strangers. And eventually they wanted pictures, but with an itouch back then, there was no camera, so I would use pictures from online. This was a start of looking through pornographic images.
6. Pornography & adult chat rooms- this was a whole new level. I found sites where it was easily accessed and free. At first I actually enjoyed what I saw and read, but obviously I knew how far I've gone and the guilt just drove deeper and deeper. I would watch it and chat with others almost every night and beat myself up for it the next day. But the cycle never stopped. This went on until college and has still continued on recently, but still is not the worst.
7. Kik & snapchat- This is the worst... It seemed to be similar to the other chat apps like before but the difference with this was that I now had a phone with a camera, which is obvious where this leads to. While chatting away like I normally did, eventually I was becoming stupid enough to take anonymous images and videos of myself and sending it to those I talked to. This among all is the one most regretted. Why I was that stupid, idk. But at the time I didn't care. And this was the most painful to deal with the following days.
I was disgusted with myself. I hated who I was on the inside. I wanted to be the person everyone thought I was, but every time to tried to quit, I always found myself back at the beginning and beating myself up even more each time.
Only recently did I decide to completely delete the apps, the email accounts, and the accounts on the apps. But I still feel the weight of what I've done and it will never go away. I struggle to stay on the right path and I pray I don't go back.

I hope I can get feedback on what to do and what could help me stay on the right path in my life.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
113
#2
You totally lost me here. LOL. I have no idea what #2, 3, 4, and 7 are. I don't have any social media like that. Obviously porn site and chatrooms are a bad place to go. It's good that you deleted all the apps and accounts. :) I don't know how old you are, but I'm assuming that you're way past the age of playing with barbies. If you still have them, get rid of them. That will be one less temptation for you.

What you need to do is remove everything from your life that interferes with your journey to God. Read your bible, pray daily, and ask him to guide you and take away these tempting urges.

For future reference, your post was hard to read because it's a wall of text. Could you please use paragraphs next time? Alot of people don't bother reading walls of text like this, and it made my eyes cross to read it, because I have crappy eyesight. :) Thanks.. :)
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
First, ignore the above post. The user clearly had zero to offer yet felt a need to respond. And your post was not a 'wall of text' as i plainly see paragraphs.

But i will agree you were vague to a fault. You never clearly stated what exactly the problem was, but at the same time you gave enough information to make it clear what the basis of it all is.

Sometimes the hardest thing to remember is forgiving ourselves is just as important as being forgiven by God. You can't take back what you have done, but you can choose to not hold it against yourself. If you have gone to God and sought forgiveness with a true desire to change, that is the first step to healing. And it's not going to happen over night, so don't look for a quick fix.
God is a God of forgiveness. He does want us to feel His conviction, an awareness that we are doing wrong and this should cause us a desire to change. But when we move into guilt and condemnation this is not of God. This is of satan. The longer you hold on to your regrets the harder You will make it to right yourself again.
We all have our times in our lives where we go through things. We get curious, caught up in the 'thrill' of sin. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. Just keep in mind that this is not something that has to hold you back your entire life. Not unless you allow it to.
Look at Paul in the bible. He was responsible for attempting to kill every Christian he could find. It was his goal in life to rid the world of Christians. Not just lust or sexual sin but taking the lives of those God has adopted. But Paul came to know God. And God granted Paul forgiveness for all the things he did in his past. A past, i might add, much worse than yours. And even with this past it didn't prevent God from using Paul. Paul found forgiveness in God and Accepted that forgiveness and went on to wrong much of the New Testament.
If you want to move past this, then make that choice. Accept Gods grace and make what efforts you need to change or keep yourself away from falling back. It may seem like it will never happen, but it does happen. And if you persevere one day you will look back at that time of your life and it will seem like an entirely other person.

I'd encourage you to find an older Christian woman to talk to, no men. Also, no teens. Someone who can help you to understand and accept Gods grace better and be an encouragement for you. Stick around the site and keep your eye out and see who you meet.

[h=1]1 John 1:9[/h] [SUP]9 [/SUP]If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
 
Dec 1, 2014
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#4
Let's not smooth this over. What has occured, over a period of time, is subject yourself to an extreme satanic obsession. There is no time for self blame or excuses. YOU seem to have it all down to a science..and yes, it is addictive and out there for all peoples, despite age, orientation, etc. What is needed now? A full blown DELIVERANCE..no different than seeking a healing and filling or baptism of the Holy Spirit, but in such POWER, authority, and commitment that it Supernaturally changes you. The end result is that you have inside info on this and can help deliver others who have fallen or about to fall into this. How is this done? Let's be totally honest here...it will not be found or carried out in a frozen/chosen church or atmosphere. You have to be Holy Spirit led to an individual, small group or even full congregation of people who have discernment and utilizing their spiritual gifts. YOU still need those demons to flee, even though you think it is under control at this moment. IT really is no different than an alcoholic who technically will always be an alcoholic. What have you got to lose by doing this? YOU will forever be like you are without this being dealt with like an exorcism....it has gone too far for too long..admit it.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#5
You might find some awareness in this introduction to the Mimetic Theory. (thought it is definitely only scratching the surface)

We humans are, by our very being, imitators.... and we can decide, then further, "learn" to either imitate Christ, or the world. (There is a lot of that "choose you this day, whom you will follow" stuff in the Bible.)

https://www.ravenfoundation.org/resources/mimetic-theory-101/
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
113
#6
zero to offer? Um, I believe I gave her some positive tips on what she can do to help herself. As far as the paragraphs go, maybe YOU "clearly" saw them, but I didn't. There needs to be more space between them.. thank you very much.
 
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
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#7
Dearest ChristianGirl95, oh hon, I say this in the most loving way possible. You have been caught up in sexual sin that's become habitual. I'm glad that you have been brave enough to share your brokenness here, and praise God you've deleted the aps and sources of temptation for yourself. I would go to a trusted FEMALE advisor at your church and seek out an accountability partner, which can be hard to do, but I'll be praying that God bring the right woman into your life to whom you can be vulnerable and get some good counsel from. This is an issue that's going to take time and discipline to overcome because it is a habit.

Please seek a time away from ministry. One of the things I have found to be true is that when we are in a position of leadership, we are held to a higher standard. While this is an active sin issue in your life, ministering to others is more burdensome.

God bless you! Having some of the similar temptations, I do understand. Here too, there is forgiveness. Thank God he does not condemn us to sit in the dirt of our sin, but he renews us in Christ. And as Jesus would say, "Go and sin no more". Bless you, dear sister.
 
Apr 8, 2015
895
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#8
Let's not smooth this over. What has occured, over a period of time, is subject yourself to an extreme satanic obsession. There is no time for self blame or excuses. YOU seem to have it all down to a science..and yes, it is addictive and out there for all peoples, despite age, orientation, etc. What is needed now? A full blown DELIVERANCE..no different than seeking a healing and filling or baptism of the Holy Spirit, but in such POWER, authority, and commitment that it Supernaturally changes you. The end result is that you have inside info on this and can help deliver others who have fallen or about to fall into this. How is this done? Let's be totally honest here...it will not be found or carried out in a frozen/chosen church or atmosphere. You have to be Holy Spirit led to an individual, small group or even full congregation of people who have discernment and utilizing their spiritual gifts. YOU still need those demons to flee, even though you think it is under control at this moment. IT really is no different than an alcoholic who technically will always be an alcoholic. What have you got to lose by doing this? YOU will forever be like you are without this being dealt with like an exorcism....it has gone too far for too long..admit it.
Pwjn: Oh for crying out loud. She has an issue she feels bad about n then YOU go scaring her with stories of demons.

I,m sorry you had to listen to some of these punishing comments. Your so brave for posting it. Why dont u find a counsellor your like and trust n maybe not take some of these comments too seriously
 

Channa

Senior Member
Mar 1, 2014
381
2
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#9
He ChristianGirl95,

It's awesome that you found your way to this site, at first.
Second; how could this be solved?
1) You could go to a psychologist. A christian psychologist. You're not the only one who has this troubles. These people know how to help you on a professional way.
2) Pray to God that it will go away
3) Delete all those sites (I thought you said you already did, well done!)
4) Search other things to do, distraction. Like sport, drawing or a hobbyclub?
5) Write your story down. It helps to get things clear. The story above is an awesome example.

I hope it will help you,
I'll pray for you!

God bless, Channa
 
J

jlm47

Guest
#10
Christiangirl95, can I just say that when I was reading your story, I saw myself in almost everything you wrote. I too am silently battling with something so similar. On the outside, I'm a firm believer in the saving blood of Christ. But on the inside I wonder why God would ever care about someone as disgusting as I am. Growing up, I was marinated in church. I also did the Barbie things, the Sims, as well as Gaia. But my pornography addiction started when you started reading manga. The guilt back then was stronger than it is today - and for a brief period after I came back from Bible camps 2 summers ago I felt like I killed these desires and replaced them with a fiery passion for doing the Lord's work.
Although, I've never sent pictures or chatted online, my battle is like the prodigal son on repeat. After I sincerely believed I was saved, I would ask God to forgive me for something that I did consistently. I would do it, then ask for forgiveness. Again and again I would cry because I did it again. The frustration I felt eventually began venting itself on people like my mom. I would get unnecessarily angry and reply to questions like a brat. I would read articles, forum posts, excerpts from books on how to completely repent and learn to control myself. This lead to so much doubt and I feel like I'm one of those who falls away and was never supposed to believe in Christ.
Which lead to where I am now. I want to diagnose my disease and I know the only remedy for it is God's word. I struggled with that because I keep searching for a particular verse that can solve all of my problems. But my Dad quoted someone a long time ago - he said, "Feed your Faith, and your Doubt will starve to Death." I don't want to fall away. I don't want to lose Him. I hate myself so much for betraying Him. I don't want Him to hate me. Sorry to put this at the end of that but I can't help you at all. But Jesus can do anything and I will cling to him with a withering piece of thread.
I noticed that it has been a while since you posted this but I hope that Christ will lead the both of us through this.