I have been praying to God for a while now, asking him to give me a hint or an answer. The question I had was if a guy I liked still liked me back. I went to church yesterday and God answered my prayer and he made it clear. I had prayed the day before yesterday for God to give me a sign or two just to make sure I knew whether or not that guy likes me.
Turns out, that guy doesn't like me. I've been pathetic and an idiot for liking the same dude for nearly 5 years. I also know how he and my other friend feel about me. (I call them friends but we hardly TALK talk.) They both think I'm weird and maybe even just a little too much. Or creepy. And annoying. Maybe even clingy.
I don't know why I'm like this. I know I'm socially awkward and that probably contributed to the curse of people thinking I'm weird. I'm either too quiet or too loud. I'm either too shy or too blunt. I blush and stutter and sweat when I'm talked to by a stranger. I can hardly handle paying for things at stores and I nearly cry if I lose the person I was with in public. Then I get these adrenaline rushes that make me do things I don't mean to and make me seem silly and stupid. I'm not stupid. Occasionally, I've had a few temporary friends say I was fun and cool, but if I was, then why am I being weird?
I just want friends. And I would love to have a boyfriend that I could hang out with and just have fun doing little things together. But I live in the middle of nowhere with no real friends, let alone love interests. I'm tired of being alone. And it hurts when a guy you've been after for many years is actually not even fond of you.
So I know I'm alone. Oh, yeah, I have God. But that isn't the same. I mean, my brother always wants me to listen to his problems and all he has to say but if I try to tell him mine, he turns the convo back to himself. I wish someone would listen and care.
(Yeah, I know. I'm whining and it's pathetic and I shouldn't do it. But if I'm already creepy and weird then why not be pathetic too?)
So tell me. Am I the only one here feeling this way?