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I know this is a lot, but this is an excerpt from my new book:
CHAPTER ONE
“GAY KYLE”
OK, so first I wanna say, if you are looking for a way to be magically set free, it is not that easy. It just doesn't work like that. I also wanna say... the last generation of the church has twisted the faith so much. Not that they're fake or anything.
I am sorry, but there isn't a demon for everything.
There isn't a demon that goes and makes you fat, gay, or anything like that. If you look at the possesions in the bible, they we're always either violent, cutting, or angry.
Being deceived and possessed are two different things, and sometimes, we made our bed, we just have to lay in it. No one causes us to be fat, we choose to eat to much, even when we know it's not good for us.
No one causes us to be gay... we choose whether or not we have sex with that good looking man or woman on the street.
No one causes you to be an adulterer.. you choose to cheat. It's not a demonic possesion. In fact, the bible says this:
“Jesus replied, “You too? Are you being willfully stupid? Don't you know that anything that is swallowed works its way through the intestines and is finally defecated? But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart. It's from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments, murders, adulteries, fornication, thefts, lies, and cussing. That's what pollutes. Eating or not eating certain foods, washing or not washing your hands – that's neither here nor there.”
-Matthew 15:16-20 (The Message)
See! He said himself it started in your heart. Your heart! When someone bullies you, does it hurt you? Does it hurt your heart? It sure hurt mine. In turn, that caused me to buy into the lie that I was gay. I will share my testimony in this chapter, and in turn, it will hopefully lay the ground, where I can help you get a better understanding on homosexuality.
I believe, actually I know it all started in about third or fourth grade. I was the creative one. The smart one, the perfect blond hair, blue eyes, straight A student. I was one of skinniest in my class. (Oh, how I miss those days!) Now I'm the overweight, brown head, GED student. (LOL!) I am OK with that.
Well, as far as I can remember, I didn't have any guy friends, my only friends were girls; for the most part. Why was this? Well, looking back at it, I was different, I really was the more femine kid. Was this because my real dad was never there, and my step-dad was cheating on my mom, and she was the one who raised me? I don't know; but I do know I deffinatly never learned 'the way to be a man.”
Well, in 4th grade, I heard a word I never ever heard before. I remember the persons name who said it, but I'm not gonna use that name... but they said “Fag boy” even said “You're so gay Kyle.” or “Look at gay Kyle.”
Gay? What was gay?
At that time, I didn't know, I eventually learned by the middle of fourth grade... I found porn videos online... gay porn.
See how the enemy works? He had me thinking “Well, maybe they're seeing something in me I don't see.” Since then, I struggled with homosexuality.
I knew it was wrong, I never heard it was wrong, I just knew deep down inside that it was wrong. I can remember praying; “God please keep me from having boy crushes today!”
Fifth grade went by about the same. Bullying. I switched schools, which actually, at the new school; I was pretty accepted.
In sixth grade, I realized there was a such thing as coming out of the closet. It was hard. That whole year, I was secret about my sexuality. I even had a secret boyfriend, which, if he's reading this... I wanna say I am sorry for pulling you into the same bondage. God loves you!
Well, in seventh grade I had two guy friends. Actually, I think they were my first guy friends I ever had that we're close to me... It ended up not being as good as I thought it was though, one of them turned out to be bi!
` Well, by the end of the seventh grade year, after being bullied, and beat up, I came out to the school, and my parents. I told them that I was bi. I was still shy though.
I switched schools in 8th grade because of learning situations and bullying reason, and yes, again, it was better. I still got bullied though. I did learn how to stand up for myself more though, and I remember standing up one time in lunch yelling “Shut the **** up” to a kid who called me a fag. (Just quoting here, and being real with you, I do not cuss anymore!)
That summer, I came ot as full out gay, I mean the only reason I even said I was bi, was because it seemed more acceptable to be bi. I felt free though... I felt unstoppable for embracing who I am.
Oh, did I mention I was cutting myself by the end of 7th grade? This was not because I was gay... it was just simply from being bullied.
Well, anyways in 9th grade I started going to New Generation, an amazing Christian school! I am extremely thankful for the teachers there! But that February, I was admitted to a hospital. I was at the end of it all. I figured “What the heck. It'd be easier to die.” Isn't it funny how the devil uses your struggles against you?
I had cut myself, and I planned on killing myself. I told one of my friends, and she didn't hesiatate to call the cops. I wanna say thank you to her... honestly, I believe it was her fulfilling God's plan to save my life. God worked through her. If it wasn't for her calling the cops, I'd be dead right now.
Well, I got out, and that April I believe, I was invited to Christ Central, a local church. I went on a Wednesday night, listened to the preacher, didn't get saved, but that Friday they were playing a movie the church made, and the night after they had a youth revival. I went to both.
I got saved at the end of the movie, but my sexuality hadn't changed yet. The next night, I went to the youth revival, and during alter call, I heard and felt something I never felt or heard before!
God spoke to me, it was an audibale voice, and it said; “Kyle! Don't buy into the lie. My plan for you is perfect, and that is not to be gay! You are my child, a child I love.” I went down to the alter, and I remember the youth pastor saying something I never heard a youth pastor say before... “You got to tell one of the leaders what it is you want prayer for.”
At first I told the youth pastor I just wanna feel God again... but when he went to walk away I got the strength to tell him I wanted to be set free from homosexuality.
He turned immediatly, and prayed with me.
I remember having people all around me praying, I even fell backwards from the power of God. I felt tingling all over my body, and I remember the youth pastor saying something like “It's gonna start in your hands, and then surge through the rest of your body.” And immediatly, my hands started shaking, and then my whole body went numb, and I totally forgot where I was.
What I expected when I left was to be magically changed... which like I said before, it just don't work like that. I changed till about the end of September, and then I went back to living a homosexual lifestyle.
I got tired of trying to change. In about April of 2011 I decided to go back to 'being straight' again. I almost got married, and that May, I gave up again! I went back, this time... I turned into a man whore. I let men use me. Yes, even straight men, and even boys who went to youth group with me!
Well, I said I was almost married, well, I had planned on actually proposing in August, and I had marked the date in my phone... that day, my phone went off, saying 'One of the happiest days, time to propose!
' or something like that. It didn't make me think of her, as much as it made me think of church, and how true God really was.
In September, I went church for the first time a few months, and I gave my life back to God, for real this time... and I wanna now say. This is not the original book I planned on publishing, actually, I just starting re-writing it on November 24, 2011.
CHAPTER TWO
DON'T THINK I'M STRAIGHT, AND DON'T THINK I'M NOT SET FREE!
OK, well, untill this past week, I did feel freedom, just simply because I was following the only source of true happiness and freedom. But I have never felt as free as I have the past week or so.
DO NOT EVER SAY I AM STRAIGHT! I am not claiming to be straight... I am simply claiming to be set free! I say I am set free, because there are plenty of homosexuals who can't muster up the courage to say “Forget what people say about me! I'm going to choose to live a life that is holy!” See, it's not a matter of being set free. My flesh might be gay but it's your actions that define who you are. There is nothing wrong with admiring a good looking person, but when the admoration becomes lust, and in turn, masterbation or sex, that's when it's wrong.
Paul had a thorn in his side, that I believe is why he chose to be celibate. I believe the thorn was homosexuality. He simply chose not to get married, and have sex, because of his thorn... that's my belief atleast, and it motivates me.
See, the bible says:
“When John realized that a lot of Pharisees and Sadducees were showing up for a baptismal experience because it was becoming the popular thing to do, he exploded: “Brood of snakes! What do you think you're doing slithering down here to the river? Do you think a little water on your snakeskinw is going to make any difference? It's your life that must change, not your skin! And don't think you can pull rank by claiming Abraham as father. Being a descendant of Abraham is neither here nor there. Descendants of Abraham are a dime a dozen. What counts is your life. Is it green and blossoming? Because if it's deadwood, it goes in the fire.”
-Matthew:37-10
See, I believe John understood it better than any of us. “It's your life that must change, not your skin!” SEE!!! The way you look might scream “I'M GAY!” But that doesn't mean you're gay! What makes you gay, is going out, dating men/women, and having sex with them!
I am so much happier, choosing not to have sex, than I was when I was having sex. That pleasure only lasted while it was going on, afterwards I felt useless.
I also wanna say this to any pastor out there who is condemning people for being gay... You sir, are deceived just as much as they are! Jesus never said “Stop sinning and I won't condemn you!” He said, “I don't condemn you, now go and sin no more!” Stop being a Pharisee, your lust for another woman is just as evil as a homosexual sleeping with another person of the same sex.
God has a perfect plan, sometimes we don't go wtih that, but in the end, we're still saved, God sees your heart. But why be miserable on Earth? (Don't argue with me about this, the bible says adulteres will not enter Heaven, you lusting for a woman is just as evil.) Like I said, why be miserable? Don't you know that if you take that step of faith, and choose to live a God filled life, you'd be so much happier than any man or woman can make you feel? Straight people, I am talking to you too..
God told me: “All sin is great, my grace is greater.”
There's a difference between living an open homosexual lifestyle, and admitting you have a problem. Please... please, please, please do not risk it. You are gambling your soul when you wanna do that, and in a sense, creating your own God, don't for one second think God says it's OK to be gay.
If I sound condemning, please don't think I am condemning. There is no condemnation in Christ, you can be given the strength to overcome your struggle. It's not gonna magically change either, your flesh is weak, but greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world! If you are living a homosexual lifestlye, and you were to die today, do you honestly feel you'd go to Heaven? I guess that's the best way to put this chapter to rest.
CHAPTER ONE
“GAY KYLE”
OK, so first I wanna say, if you are looking for a way to be magically set free, it is not that easy. It just doesn't work like that. I also wanna say... the last generation of the church has twisted the faith so much. Not that they're fake or anything.
I am sorry, but there isn't a demon for everything.
There isn't a demon that goes and makes you fat, gay, or anything like that. If you look at the possesions in the bible, they we're always either violent, cutting, or angry.
Being deceived and possessed are two different things, and sometimes, we made our bed, we just have to lay in it. No one causes us to be fat, we choose to eat to much, even when we know it's not good for us.
No one causes us to be gay... we choose whether or not we have sex with that good looking man or woman on the street.
No one causes you to be an adulterer.. you choose to cheat. It's not a demonic possesion. In fact, the bible says this:
“Jesus replied, “You too? Are you being willfully stupid? Don't you know that anything that is swallowed works its way through the intestines and is finally defecated? But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart. It's from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments, murders, adulteries, fornication, thefts, lies, and cussing. That's what pollutes. Eating or not eating certain foods, washing or not washing your hands – that's neither here nor there.”
-Matthew 15:16-20 (The Message)
See! He said himself it started in your heart. Your heart! When someone bullies you, does it hurt you? Does it hurt your heart? It sure hurt mine. In turn, that caused me to buy into the lie that I was gay. I will share my testimony in this chapter, and in turn, it will hopefully lay the ground, where I can help you get a better understanding on homosexuality.
I believe, actually I know it all started in about third or fourth grade. I was the creative one. The smart one, the perfect blond hair, blue eyes, straight A student. I was one of skinniest in my class. (Oh, how I miss those days!) Now I'm the overweight, brown head, GED student. (LOL!) I am OK with that.
Well, as far as I can remember, I didn't have any guy friends, my only friends were girls; for the most part. Why was this? Well, looking back at it, I was different, I really was the more femine kid. Was this because my real dad was never there, and my step-dad was cheating on my mom, and she was the one who raised me? I don't know; but I do know I deffinatly never learned 'the way to be a man.”
Well, in 4th grade, I heard a word I never ever heard before. I remember the persons name who said it, but I'm not gonna use that name... but they said “Fag boy” even said “You're so gay Kyle.” or “Look at gay Kyle.”
Gay? What was gay?
At that time, I didn't know, I eventually learned by the middle of fourth grade... I found porn videos online... gay porn.
See how the enemy works? He had me thinking “Well, maybe they're seeing something in me I don't see.” Since then, I struggled with homosexuality.
I knew it was wrong, I never heard it was wrong, I just knew deep down inside that it was wrong. I can remember praying; “God please keep me from having boy crushes today!”
Fifth grade went by about the same. Bullying. I switched schools, which actually, at the new school; I was pretty accepted.
In sixth grade, I realized there was a such thing as coming out of the closet. It was hard. That whole year, I was secret about my sexuality. I even had a secret boyfriend, which, if he's reading this... I wanna say I am sorry for pulling you into the same bondage. God loves you!
Well, in seventh grade I had two guy friends. Actually, I think they were my first guy friends I ever had that we're close to me... It ended up not being as good as I thought it was though, one of them turned out to be bi!
` Well, by the end of the seventh grade year, after being bullied, and beat up, I came out to the school, and my parents. I told them that I was bi. I was still shy though.
I switched schools in 8th grade because of learning situations and bullying reason, and yes, again, it was better. I still got bullied though. I did learn how to stand up for myself more though, and I remember standing up one time in lunch yelling “Shut the **** up” to a kid who called me a fag. (Just quoting here, and being real with you, I do not cuss anymore!)
That summer, I came ot as full out gay, I mean the only reason I even said I was bi, was because it seemed more acceptable to be bi. I felt free though... I felt unstoppable for embracing who I am.
Oh, did I mention I was cutting myself by the end of 7th grade? This was not because I was gay... it was just simply from being bullied.
Well, anyways in 9th grade I started going to New Generation, an amazing Christian school! I am extremely thankful for the teachers there! But that February, I was admitted to a hospital. I was at the end of it all. I figured “What the heck. It'd be easier to die.” Isn't it funny how the devil uses your struggles against you?
I had cut myself, and I planned on killing myself. I told one of my friends, and she didn't hesiatate to call the cops. I wanna say thank you to her... honestly, I believe it was her fulfilling God's plan to save my life. God worked through her. If it wasn't for her calling the cops, I'd be dead right now.
Well, I got out, and that April I believe, I was invited to Christ Central, a local church. I went on a Wednesday night, listened to the preacher, didn't get saved, but that Friday they were playing a movie the church made, and the night after they had a youth revival. I went to both.
I got saved at the end of the movie, but my sexuality hadn't changed yet. The next night, I went to the youth revival, and during alter call, I heard and felt something I never felt or heard before!
God spoke to me, it was an audibale voice, and it said; “Kyle! Don't buy into the lie. My plan for you is perfect, and that is not to be gay! You are my child, a child I love.” I went down to the alter, and I remember the youth pastor saying something I never heard a youth pastor say before... “You got to tell one of the leaders what it is you want prayer for.”
At first I told the youth pastor I just wanna feel God again... but when he went to walk away I got the strength to tell him I wanted to be set free from homosexuality.
He turned immediatly, and prayed with me.
I remember having people all around me praying, I even fell backwards from the power of God. I felt tingling all over my body, and I remember the youth pastor saying something like “It's gonna start in your hands, and then surge through the rest of your body.” And immediatly, my hands started shaking, and then my whole body went numb, and I totally forgot where I was.
What I expected when I left was to be magically changed... which like I said before, it just don't work like that. I changed till about the end of September, and then I went back to living a homosexual lifestyle.
I got tired of trying to change. In about April of 2011 I decided to go back to 'being straight' again. I almost got married, and that May, I gave up again! I went back, this time... I turned into a man whore. I let men use me. Yes, even straight men, and even boys who went to youth group with me!
Well, I said I was almost married, well, I had planned on actually proposing in August, and I had marked the date in my phone... that day, my phone went off, saying 'One of the happiest days, time to propose!
' or something like that. It didn't make me think of her, as much as it made me think of church, and how true God really was.In September, I went church for the first time a few months, and I gave my life back to God, for real this time... and I wanna now say. This is not the original book I planned on publishing, actually, I just starting re-writing it on November 24, 2011.
CHAPTER TWO
DON'T THINK I'M STRAIGHT, AND DON'T THINK I'M NOT SET FREE!
OK, well, untill this past week, I did feel freedom, just simply because I was following the only source of true happiness and freedom. But I have never felt as free as I have the past week or so.
DO NOT EVER SAY I AM STRAIGHT! I am not claiming to be straight... I am simply claiming to be set free! I say I am set free, because there are plenty of homosexuals who can't muster up the courage to say “Forget what people say about me! I'm going to choose to live a life that is holy!” See, it's not a matter of being set free. My flesh might be gay but it's your actions that define who you are. There is nothing wrong with admiring a good looking person, but when the admoration becomes lust, and in turn, masterbation or sex, that's when it's wrong.
Paul had a thorn in his side, that I believe is why he chose to be celibate. I believe the thorn was homosexuality. He simply chose not to get married, and have sex, because of his thorn... that's my belief atleast, and it motivates me.
See, the bible says:
“When John realized that a lot of Pharisees and Sadducees were showing up for a baptismal experience because it was becoming the popular thing to do, he exploded: “Brood of snakes! What do you think you're doing slithering down here to the river? Do you think a little water on your snakeskinw is going to make any difference? It's your life that must change, not your skin! And don't think you can pull rank by claiming Abraham as father. Being a descendant of Abraham is neither here nor there. Descendants of Abraham are a dime a dozen. What counts is your life. Is it green and blossoming? Because if it's deadwood, it goes in the fire.”
-Matthew:37-10
See, I believe John understood it better than any of us. “It's your life that must change, not your skin!” SEE!!! The way you look might scream “I'M GAY!” But that doesn't mean you're gay! What makes you gay, is going out, dating men/women, and having sex with them!
I am so much happier, choosing not to have sex, than I was when I was having sex. That pleasure only lasted while it was going on, afterwards I felt useless.
I also wanna say this to any pastor out there who is condemning people for being gay... You sir, are deceived just as much as they are! Jesus never said “Stop sinning and I won't condemn you!” He said, “I don't condemn you, now go and sin no more!” Stop being a Pharisee, your lust for another woman is just as evil as a homosexual sleeping with another person of the same sex.
God has a perfect plan, sometimes we don't go wtih that, but in the end, we're still saved, God sees your heart. But why be miserable on Earth? (Don't argue with me about this, the bible says adulteres will not enter Heaven, you lusting for a woman is just as evil.) Like I said, why be miserable? Don't you know that if you take that step of faith, and choose to live a God filled life, you'd be so much happier than any man or woman can make you feel? Straight people, I am talking to you too..
God told me: “All sin is great, my grace is greater.”
There's a difference between living an open homosexual lifestyle, and admitting you have a problem. Please... please, please, please do not risk it. You are gambling your soul when you wanna do that, and in a sense, creating your own God, don't for one second think God says it's OK to be gay.
If I sound condemning, please don't think I am condemning. There is no condemnation in Christ, you can be given the strength to overcome your struggle. It's not gonna magically change either, your flesh is weak, but greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world! If you are living a homosexual lifestlye, and you were to die today, do you honestly feel you'd go to Heaven? I guess that's the best way to put this chapter to rest.