I was thinking of what you were saying, that why did God put this on you. And then I thought of all kinds of different addictions, that just seem to appear and control someone's life for no apparent reason. So I imagine this has to be as hard to go through as it is with every addiction. And I think that focusing on it and just struggling in your own strength won't get you far.
Anyway, you say you're not even Christian any more. That's where I see the problem. You've probably struggled with it a lot, felt helpless and gave up on God altogether. Anyone who has struggled with addiction or sin knows we're powerless in our own strength. But God doesn't ask us to become perfect and then come to Him. There was this song "Lord, I come just as I am". He accepts us the way we are and He gives us the desire and the power to become what He wants us to be. All I mean to say is that I think you should stop torturing yourself over this and just try to know God's heart for you. Just ask Him all the questions you asked here and wait for an answer from Him.
May the Lord show His mercy!
