I have a stalker

[orangecarmel]

Hello everyone I have a bit of a problem. Now before I start explaining I know what rejection is and know it's not something fun to go through but in this case I am only trying to protect myself.
I have a stalker.
Starting this year a boy started taking interest in me. He was the kid that was always quite and kept to himself. Some labeled him weird for this. Jr year I was a helper in the special service class which he was in. I don't know what he has but I know that he gets very fidgety and has a very bad temper. I never talked to him, but only smiled out of kindness. Then mid senior year he started bothering me. He interrupted me in class to talk to me asking if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I was so surprised and was trying to figure out the right words for that moment, but he left me with a picture of me that he drew and said after winter break to tell him my answer. Of course this upset me because I had one, never talked to the guy, and two, I don't care if something is different about him, he made it seem like the world owed him a "girlfriend" and his words were" I came into high school wanting 3 things, friends, a car, and a girlfriend."
Once I saw him after vaca I told him no and blamed it on my dad. Then he wanted to ask me to prom but I told him I would be out of town. Now today he asked to talk a picture of me for a art project. I was hesitant,need I remind you of his anger. So I said yes. I went to the bathroom and this girl told me he was in her art class and for his project he wanted to do something with my picture. The teacher said no and apparently he threw a big fit in class about it and was very upset.
I care about not hurting his feelings but I really need help you guys. This year is almost over but this person is taking away my focus on all the fun senior activities. I am uncomfortable at school because there are times that I turn and he is watching me in the distance. It has passed funny and is very disturbing for myself. I just ask for advice and prayer because my friends are using that guy from UCSB as an example and isn't making me feel safe at all. Plz any advice would be great. I just feel alone in this situation. Ps.i am going to talk to the art teacher tomor so wish me luck

 

[NewEagle]

Have you talked to your parents? I would recommend doing so. They need to be aware. They will know whether or not they should inform the police about this fellow.

Talking to your art teacher is a good idea too, however I would also let the principal know.

And maybe it goes without saying, but praying about it, and asking others to pray for you is a good idea.

Will you be attending college after you graduate? If so, that should go a long way to helping you put distance between you and him.

Meantime, I will pray for protection for you. God bless!

 

[cinder]

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Talk to the adults at school: his teacher and a school counselor if one is available. Talk to your parents too. He sounds both very lonely and like he is getting a bit obsessive about you. Also extreme anger is not just a danger to you but can be a danger to the whole school.

On the other hand, if he is only interacting with you at school and hasn't made any threats, your situation is probably that of having an unwanted, socially awkward admirer who is going all out in desperation to "win" you before you graduate and disappear from his world forever. If everyone else has labelled him weird, you might be the only student who has shown kindness to him even if smiling at him didn't mean much to you. Don't worry too much about hurting his feelings, do what you need to do to protect yourself and feel safe and also help him get some of the help and support he might need. And tell your friends that comparing the UCSB guy to your situation isn't funny and they need to stop it immediately. No one is going to be helped by that. Hope this helps and hang in there.

 

[JesusFreek]

Talking to the art teacher is definitely a good idea. I would also talk to a guidance counselor/ principal. Most schools have someone who works with kids with anger management or social issues (I don't mean for this to be an offensive term). Adult help is good. Past that, I'll be praying for you and I'm sure others will too. I hope it all turns out well

 

[just_monicat]

alright, i want to validate the fact that you are right to be concerned about this. i have some real experience with this sort of thing, and what you're describing fits almost perfectly with the same early behavior that i witnessed before things got much worse.

it's not my intention to scare you, but to make sure you understand this isn't something that you really should be trying to minimize, not just for your sake, but his as well. also, if things evolve further, they're harder to handle, and you may be able to stop things right now -- but once certain boundaries are crossed, bigger ramifications are going to exist.

my recommendation to you is that you talk to your parents IMMEDIATELY. sit down, and give them a very calm, detailed set of facts about what has (and hasn't) happened, not from an alarmist perspective, but "just the facts". it's my opinion that you also need to notify or talk to your principal/school counselor or whomever would best handle this--not just the affected teacher.

while he could be perfectly harmless, the fact of the matter is, someone who is showing those signs AND has a temper is not someone who you should be trying to sort out on your own.

i would encourage you to be kind yet very firm with any other efforts he makes to engage with you, simply by saying things like, "i really appreciate the thought, but no thank you." or whatever. i certainly wouldn't allow him to photograph or do anything else that allows him to continue to build on whatever relationship you have now, even if it's a one-sided thing.

i cannot more strongly enough recommend that you do not wait to try to handle this yourself. and this is for his benefit as well. you can't know what's going on in his head, and he may need further help that your bringing this situation may help him get.

finally, please feel free to PM me -- this is something that is hard for others to relate to if they haven't personally experienced, in my opinion. and i will be praying for you.

 

[orangecarmel]

Thank you NewEagle, I appreciate your prayers. Yes I have been praying a lot and that God gives me the right words to say tomorrow toward everyone I will inform. I will inform the teacher 1st thing in the morning. Until then I can just hope and pray. Also I heard he has been asking around to which college I will be attending. I am indeed going to college so hopefully there will be no encounters in the future. Thanks again for your advice.

 

[orangecarmel]

Thank you cinder. Your comment left me at ease and you seem to have pinpoint my situation. I have informed my parents about it and my mother was willing to contact the guy's mother herself. Which would be better? a counselor or the mother directly. I don't like hurting feelings no matter who it is and fear that things don't go out of hand. This has been very helpful. God Bless!!

 

[orangecarmel]

Talking to the art teacher is definitely a good idea. I would also talk to a guidance counselor/ principal. Most schools have someone who works with kids with anger management or social issues (I don't mean for this to be an offensive term). Adult help is good. Past that, I'll be praying for you and I'm sure others will too. I hope it all turns out well

Thank you very much! will do

 

[orangecarmel]

alright, i want to validate the fact that you are right to be concerned about this. i have some real experience with this sort of thing, and what you're describing fits almost perfectly with the same early behavior that i witnessed before things got much worse.

it's not my intention to scare you, but to make sure you understand this isn't something that you really should be trying to minimize, not just for your sake, but his as well. also, if things evolve further, they're harder to handle, and you may be able to stop things right now -- but once certain boundaries are crossed, bigger ramifications are going to exist.

my recommendation to you is that you talk to your parents IMMEDIATELY. sit down, and give them a very calm, detailed set of facts about what has (and hasn't) happened, not from an alarmist perspective, but "just the facts". it's my opinion that you also need to notify or talk to your principal/school counselor or whomever would best handle this--not just the affected teacher.

while he could be perfectly harmless, the fact of the matter is, someone who is showing those signs AND has a temper is not someone who you should be trying to sort out on your own.

i would encourage you to be kind yet very firm with any other efforts he makes to engage with you, simply by saying things like, "i really appreciate the thought, but no thank you." or whatever. i certainly wouldn't allow him to photograph or do anything else that allows him to continue to build on whatever relationship you have now, even if it's a one-sided thing.

i cannot more strongly enough recommend that you do not wait to try to handle this yourself. and this is for his benefit as well. you can't know what's going on in his head, and he may need further help that your bringing this situation may help him get.

finally, please feel free to PM me -- this is something that is hard for others to relate to if they haven't personally experienced, in my opinion. and i will be praying for you.

Thank you for your advice. Yes I will be talking to adults about it tomorrow. He wanted to talk to me after school today but I made an excuse so he said he would talk to me tomorrow. My question is should I hear what he has to say or try to avoid him again?. Also I have less than 7 days of school left. my friends are telling me to avoid him till then. I'm really confused but your answer and the others have helped so much. thanks for the DM invite. I just need someone else to share this with that isn't making a joke of the matter like my friends. I appreciate your advice. God Bless

 

[cinder]

Thank you cinder. Your comment left me at ease and you seem to have pinpoint my situation. I have informed my parents about it and my mother was willing to contact the guy's mother herself. Which would be better? a counselor or the mother directly. I don't like hurting feelings no matter who it is and fear that things don't go out of hand. This has been very helpful. God Bless!!

Both is better. Make as many people as you can aware of his inappropriate behavior.

 

[Ugly]

This is the catch to putting 'feelings' ahead of honesty. You never rejected him. And that's what he needed. You made excuses rather than finding a nice way to say no. What this guy needs to hear is you refuse him, not hide behind excuses. The longer this happens the worse his behavior could get. He may have a temper, but the longer you let this drag out by not giving him the truth the more potential there is for him to escalate.
I suggest you do some research on the subject because *if this guy is entering some stalker mode, then you need to find the best ways to deal with him. And using other people as a shield (such as you did with your dad) could lead to him viewing your dad as the only thing keeping you from dating him. Which is not a good thing. At this point you need to stop putting so much emphasis on his feelings and start finding ways to try to put an end to this as soon as possible.
I've known people who have been stalked, good friends. The longer you put off dealing with it and using excuses, the bigger the potential for trouble. It's not a guarantee but it reduces the chances.
If his behavior does escalate and become more harassing do whatever you can to have some kind of evidence for each instance. If he calls, texts, emails, etc... save every one of them. If he shows up at your house try to have a friend or family member around to vouch that he showed up. Or even try to record him somehow. And even if you can't prove an action, keep a written note of it all. Grab a pad of paper and every interaction with him write down the date and time and any behavior that sticks out to you. After you get enough gathered you can go to the police and file a report. They likely won't do anything but you can have it on paper, in their hands, what's going on. And keep this going and keep going in and adding to the report. This way there is a history of his behavior on file, in the event his actions get worse towards you. Better to be wise and over prepared than assume its nothing and be caught with no ammunition against him.

 

[orangecarmel]

Hey everyone. Wanted to share how things went.
I talked to the art teacher and told him I don't feel comfortable knowing the guy was going to use my picture for his final. I cried. Okay I cried a lot. It was really hard to let it all out but I'm glad I did. I walked to the office and just before I got there I saw the guy that has been bothering me. I asked him Nicely if he could not use my picture. The bell rang so I didn't have much time. He asked if he could see me after school but I said whatever you need to say you can say it now so he manage to say something like " I wanted to talk about our relationship& the possibility of being together after high school, or in the future" this angered me. I said to him. "I told you before that i am not interesting in being in any kind of relationship and still feel that way." (I noticed he was getting very figity ) i paused and began to say other things that I can't remember completely. I just remember telling him to not use my photo. On my way to class the Vice principle walked my way and I asked how could I make an appt with her and she said " how about right now" I was so hyped up in everything and tried to calm down and thanked God for the words he gave me. I didn't feel the guy completely understood or was completely listening. The fact that in his mind we had a "relationship" bothered me. I sat down in her office and told her everything. It was hard for me again and thought all my years were gone but boy was I wrong. I left her office with her reassurance of not having to worry about it anymore and that she would call him in and take care of him. I had to go to the front desk to get my note for class and saw my best friend (a strong Christian) and she didn't even ask what was wrong ( I was still crying) and have me the biggest hug. I am not a hugger but this was the one thing I wanted more than anything in that moment. From there I calmed myself down in the bathroom and went to class. In the bathroom I reminded myself of all the prayers and ppl that helped me through this situation. Without my family and family in Christ I don't think I could have done this. Word is out and ppl are going to watch out for me. It's only the only thing on my mind right now and again I just ask that you pray for me to not worry about this.i also ask for prayers toward the boy and that God helps him understand what I told him. I am thankful again for all your concern. I am just a teenager with a problem. But I feel the world is on my side. Because God is on my side and I believe he can turn any situation around. Thanks and God bless.

 

[orangecarmel]

Years -> tears*

 

[Ugly]

I'm glad you spoke to someone about it and got some support. But i urge you to not assume this will end. Hopefully it will, and that this will be enough and get through to him. But there is still the possibility that he won't get it and will continue on. So i suggest following through with what i said if he speaks to you or contacts you in any way, in the future. Better safe than sorry.

Also, a tip, avoid the 'wall of text'. Use paragraphs, breaks, things to keep from having one giant paragraph. It makes it very difficult to read and many won't even try.

 

[Chezz]

You handled that very well! I will be praying for him! God Bless!

 

[Xioneks]

Hi, it is good that u have told ppl around u about this. But in my opinion, 'that person' may be a very lonely person. & as one, we are likely more emotional than the average (that may explain 'his' temper), and always paying attention to minor detail.

If 'we type of people' are obsess about something, we are REALLY obsess about it, like, we think about it 24/7. It is as if our life revolves around 'that thing'.

And if we experience something out of the blue, like a simple act of kindness, it can affect 'us' wholly. It can touch the deepest region in 'our' hearts. It can even stay in our memories for a long, long time.

I was like that before I found the true purpose of my life, which is to serve God. But I may not know your situation as I'm in Malaysia, where there is a lot of different cultures & ethnics. Moreover, I study in a boy school.

I feel that 'he' may be mentally detriment if he lose the sole purpose of his life. He may release his anger or frustration the wrong way or even worst, suicide.

But, as mentioned, I do not know your situation, so decide carefully.

Romans 12:18 (NIV)
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

May the Lord be with you, always. God bless.