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Thread: Spend time with her as a friend (Very long)

  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    August 13th, 2013
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    Default Spend time with her as a friend (Very long)

    So I have been playing in my youth groups band for two years now. At this point, I have been in it almost the longest, with three or four others of the twenty on the list who can be rostered on, being there longer than I have.

    From about April of 2012 to May of 2013, I had feelings for a girl called B for the sake of her privacy. However until February 2013, she had a boyfriend (I didn't chase her until they broke up). However that ended up with me being in a dark place. Her boyfriend and her broke up because he got drunk and had sex with another girl. However in the end, she chose to get back with him instead of me, and I hated myself for that. I felt there was something wrong with me if she were willing to choose the guy who cheated on her over me. That left me in a dark place.

    Then August came, and I was rostered on for band one week with a girl called C for the sake of her privacy. We had never spoken, even though we had both been at youth group for at least four years, and gone to the same school for six. She was in the grade below mine and was four months off 17. I had turned 18 four months earlier. We had never spoken.

    So through band practice, I began speaking to her and developed feelings for her. Since then, on four
    separate occasions, I have prayed about it for guidance when I felt like giving up on her. The first three, I opened my bible and the first thing I opened to was a new verse with her name in the title (new meaning I had never read it before), then on the fourth (I prayed before church) and that night the sermon was on another verse with her name in it.

    So her and I have been talking on Facebook and in person since last august. We only speak in person when there aren't many people around (I have major confidence issues) so a lot of the time when I see her, as well as she doesn't go onto Facebook often (maybe once a week).

    Well, I have been a youth leader since February, and her final year youth. One of the rules is that leaders can't date youth which is understandable. I can wait.

    The other month we were at a mixed youth event (lots of groups) and the sermon was about fear and letting go of it. At the end, the preacher asked if anyone was feeling dry, as if they weren't feeling god as much as they used to. I had been feeling that way and when he did an altar call I wanted to go up. But as I said, confidence issues. I hate drawing attention to myself.

    Basically, I said to God "I know you want me to go up, but I can't go up alone. If someone near me goes up I will go with them." After a few minutes, nobody in my section had gone up, and I said to God "You know I am too scared to go up alone! Why are you telling me to go up, but not sending anyone else? You know I am too scared to go alone!". Then for the first time in months, I heard God's voice. "Isn't the whole point of tonight to let go of fear?"

    Basically, I got up as soon as I heard that, because I knew that God intended for me to go up alone to try and help me stop living in fear. I made a few decisions that night. One of them was to tell C how I felt, and trust in God that it will work out for the best.

    The next week I pondered it and eventually sent her a message, saying I had to talk to her about something that was too important to be said over facebook. I had seen her earlier that night, but I chickened out of telling her before she left. I got a message back a few days later saying that she is swamped with school (I had forgotten she was doing exams that week) and asked if it could be said over facebook. Otherwise I would be waiting another two weeks until I saw her again.

    I decided to tell her then. It was an opportunity that I wanted, and I knew that if I waited for a better one, I would end up chickening out again. I told her, however since my hands were shaking so much, it took twenty minutes to write it, and by the time I sent it, she was offline.

    The next week and a bit, I kept an eye on that message. Facebook tells you when someone has seen your message, and she hadn't seen it. Then a youth camp came up that we were both going to. However due to my confidence issues, I struggled to talk to her much over that weekend, as she was always with her friends.

    On the last night, I noticed that she looked really upset and teary, which had me worried. However with packing up to leave the next morning, I didn't see her again on the camp. However that night, when she was in bed, she looked at facebook and read the message. Except she never responded. See, I was concerned about her. She is usually very positive and light hearted. To see her in the state she was in worried me. When I got home, I sent her a message asking if everything was okay, and mentioned she looked upset. Basically, I wanted to know she was okay, more than I wanted a response to me telling her how I felt.

    So we have spoken since, but I never got a response to me telling her how I felt about her. I am not too phased by that though. I told her more because I hated being dishonest with her, and felt like I was lying to her otherwise. I felt like I owed it to her to be honest with her. My message was in no way an attempt to try and manipulate her into feeling the same way. I told her this, and tried to make it as comfortable as possible for her.

    So me telling her how I felt was a month ago. I don't want to be anything more than friends with her until she is done with school. She has goals she wants to reach, and this is her most important year of school. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I distracted her with a relationship and she didn't reach them. Besides, I am a leader and can't date her anyway.

    Funny thing is that ever since I told her, she has literally been talking to me twice as much as she was before. She actually starts conversations now, and I hear from her at least once every two days. This has me over the moon. I was talking to a female friend who said this is a very good sign, because usually if a guy likes her and she isn't interested, she cuts down contact. Her and I have a hunch that she might like me, but want to focus on finishing school before pursuing a relationship. We could be wrong, but I can only pray we aren't.

    What I want to do with us for the rest of the year is to stay friends, but try and become closer as that. Even though we have been talking for almost a year, there is so much about her I don't know, and vice versa. I want to be able to spend time with her outside of youth group as friends, so I can get to know her better. Only problem with this is that we have no mutual friends that we spend time with outside of youth group, so a group activity is hard. And if I propose we hang out together alone, she might get the wrong idea about it, as will people at youth if they find out.

    So now we are at the end. The basic question is: what is something I could do to spend time with her as a friend, and make it clear that it is the case, short of saying "Do you want to do (insert activity here) as friends?" ?

  2. #2
    Junior Member bananertanner's Avatar
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    Default Re: Spend time with her as a friend (Very long)

    First of all, I think it is very admirable to for you to not pursue her while her still being in the youth group. I think it is very important that when you are in a leadership position, you lead. Also, let me say that personally, I find it kind of fishy that she did not even acknowledge your message confessing your feelings. Not all feelings need to be reciprocated, but leaving you in the dust without an explanation, is not right. Even though she might not have felt the same way, she should have replied.

    I think in the future, those kind of conversations should be held in person. Technology makes the conversation less personable. A huge problem in the church is producing men of God who crave godly women, but do not do any actual pursuing. I think if this woman is a woman you feel is for you, you should be more out there, instead of cowering at your computer. I am in no way trying to be rude when saying this, this is just the way I am thinking about this situation. Even if you lack confidence, act like you have all the confidence in the world!

    First of all, talk to her more. One thing I cannot stand in my own church is a guy who texts me everyday after church, saying "you looked beautiful today" or even a simple "what's up" - but didn't talk to me a single time before/during/after church! Don't hide behind the phone and computer... Be present.

    Secondly, you don't have to constantly say " friends" to her. If you treat her like a friend, she'll understand that you want to be a friend. If everything you say is "as a friend as a friend as a friend", she may never want to have feelings for you, being that you only see her as friend.

    Lastly, hang out with some youth. Invite her along. Group settings are way easier to build friendships, which is exactly what you want to do. If you can't be friends and talk, you will never last in a relationship with her once she is of age. Talk to her!!! Don't just text and message, I cannot stress this enough! Another word of advice, don't focus on relationships. When it is meant to be, it'll be. I know 19 is like 45 in "christian years" but you have a long time to date/court and to find your eventual spouse.

    I am not sure if I was much help, or if you could even understand my blabbering, but I wish you the best! Prayers!!

    joefizz likes this.

  3. #3
    Senior Member joefizz's Avatar
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    April 23rd, 2017
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    Default Re: Spend time with her as a friend (Very long)

    yeah bananer tanner is right I've been through this having a girl as a friend and always thought of her as a friend, then when I later thought of being more with her it was too late,she said I was a really nice guy but she had a guy now,so try to speak to her in a more caring way as if to say you don't want to lose her otherwise you might be just friends and feel like a heel like I did,because if you don't speak up she might not know how you feel,and I agree that texting or using a computer to talk to a girl you like when you can talk straight to her, probably won't go over well because alot of girls want to hear the words "I love you" or etc because they want your true feelings about them,and me personally I fail to see how texting alot is supposed to be romantic anyways,but seriously give it your all,I missed opportunities to find a decent girl because I wanted to get school over with and I am still single,So if you really like this girl try to make your feelings known with words and caring while you have time.

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