You're going to judge me but I need help!!

[medicallybroman]

Okay so... let me lay down the basics.

I had a serious tragedy occur in my family when I was young so I grew up without a mother and with tough relations with my father. I developed depression. Outside of that, I cheated on boyfriends, and I was a devout athiest because I was hurt by the loss of my mother.

Fast forward, I graduate and enlist in the army. I meet a sweet, caring, smart, God loving man in training who helps me bury my hatchet with God and we end up getting married, perhaps too quickly (not enough time together, and we are young. I am 19 and he is 21). Our marriage started deteriorating and I felt severely unloved and neglected by my husband, so I sought emotional affection... from four men. I'm fighting guilt and severe depression because of this and eventually husband finds out, flys into an understandable rage, and I try to kill myself. I spent a week in a psychiatric hospital where my marriage hung on threads.

Fast forward, husband and I are now seeing the unit Chaplain for marriage counseling and Christian advice, and we are both working on this marriage. For a while things seemed great, like forgiveness was actually happening and a successful marriage was forging out of the thorns I caused.

Current day: husband tells me he is still hurting and he doesn't know how to feel. Friends and family don't look at me the same way. I feel like there is no forgiveness from the Lord even though I have had my wakeup slap that marriage is sacred, and I'm trying to turn things around because husband gave me a second chance.

My question: I'm trying to make a 180 but nobody believes in me. I don't even believe in me at this point. And I feel like God cannot forgive the horrible sins I've committed against my husband and the sacredness of marriage. I don't know what to do, I'm drowning in my guilt and the fear that I will never seek forgiveness. Ihaven't spoken about this to anyone because no one will listen to me because of what I've done. It's getting really hard to hold all this inside because my thoughts are not valid. I'm trying so hard to be a different person, a better wife. I need help.

 

[Ugly]

Right now the only forgiveness you need is from God, your husband and yourself. That is where you need to focus, not on anyone else. God has forgiven you. Jesus wasn't mutilated and crucified to not forgive you when you seek it. He suffered For forgiveness.
Next is forgiving yourself. God forgives you. His standards are much higher than yours. So if He can forgive you then who are you to not forgive yourself? You realize your mistake. You want learned from it and want to change. Those are all traits worthy of forgiving yourself.
Now your husband. It's going to take time. Don't expect things to happen quickly or overnight. Forgiveness in such areas means you are in it for the long haul. You have a lot of ground to make up, but it's possible. Really, it depends on how able to forgive he is. Some people go through such things and are able to go on with happy marriages. Some people can't continue. All you can do is your part and pray that he will be able to forgive. But for right now, just slow down and don't expect to see a lot of change in the near future. Trust has to be earned, and re-earning trust can take longer.
In regards to anyone else, this isn't their problem. I can understand that people will have feelings and opinions about this situation and about you, but you can't let that be an issue for you. You focus on God, yourself, your husband and your marriage. Other people will have to deal with things on their own for now. Perhaps if things go well further down the line and you want to discuss things with some immediate family, then that's your call. But don't rush it.

One last thing. I understand you made a mistake. And i understand your husband may have strong feelings about it all. But HE is responsible for how he responds and treats you. Sometimes in such situations the spouse holds these things against their spouse and use it as a justification to mistreat them and put them down, or worse. This is not acceptable. No matter what you have done you do not deserve to be mistreated because of it. There will be some tense moments and arguments, but there is a line and don't let yourself believe crossing that line has Any justification ever.

 

[stabbo]

Okay so... let me lay down the basics.

I had a serious tragedy occur in my family when I was young so I grew up without a mother and with tough relations with my father. I developed depression. Outside of that, I cheated on boyfriends, and I was a devout athiest because I was hurt by the loss of my mother.

Fast forward, I graduate and enlist in the army. I meet a sweet, caring, smart, God loving man in training who helps me bury my hatchet with God and we end up getting married, perhaps too quickly (not enough time together, and we are young. I am 19 and he is 21). Our marriage started deteriorating and I felt severely unloved and neglected by my husband, so I sought emotional affection... from four men. I'm fighting guilt and severe depression because of this and eventually husband finds out, flys into an understandable rage, and I try to kill myself. I spent a week in a psychiatric hospital where my marriage hung on threads.

Fast forward, husband and I are now seeing the unit Chaplain for marriage counseling and Christian advice, and we are both working on this marriage. For a while things seemed great, like forgiveness was actually happening and a successful marriage was forging out of the thorns I caused.

Current day: husband tells me he is still hurting and he doesn't know how to feel. Friends and family don't look at me the same way. I feel like there is no forgiveness from the Lord even though I have had my wakeup slap that marriage is sacred, and I'm trying to turn things around because husband gave me a second chance.

My question: I'm trying to make a 180 but nobody believes in me. I don't even believe in me at this point. And I feel like God cannot forgive the horrible sins I've committed against my husband and the sacredness of marriage. I don't know what to do, I'm drowning in my guilt and the fear that I will never seek forgiveness. Ihaven't spoken about this to anyone because no one will listen to me because of what I've done. It's getting really hard to hold all this inside because my thoughts are not valid. I'm trying so hard to be a different person, a better wife. I need help.

I just may have a solution for you, but I can't go into it here. PM me if you're interested.

 

[Ugly]

That doesn't sound suspicious at all.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

You have to be able to give yourself at least as much grace as you give others. Forgiveness is not a get out of jail free card, but if you can't do it for yourself, you can't expect to move past your past, even if your husband forgives.

As Ugly pointed out, God's grace and His forgiveness is a given. Hopefully, in time, you can declare absolution for yourself. The ball is then in your husband's court, if he still has not forgiven by that time. Don't expect it to be a simple and quick healing process for him, though (or for either of you).

My heart goes out to you, medicallybroman.

 

[JonahLynx]

Early in the morning he [Jesus] came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him.

Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.

Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."

(John 8:2-11)

 

[withGodalone]

I am not married or anything but I am in the military now and I understand where you are coming from. I am currently helping out a friend who is going through a similar situation; she has been through a lot from a young age. From what I can say is do not stop, do not give up on yourself. No matter how much you have sinned, God will forgive you faster than the speed of light and will take you back. He will never hold the sin against you won't make you feel guilty. I would say to seek counseling for yourself and your husband.

No matter what you have done, God will give you a chance at a new life. When you ask for forgiveness He will wash you white as snow. It is a good thing that you are trying to do the right thing and wanting to change your life. That is the Holy Spirit in you that's alive and still with you.

 

[Elijah19]

Well, for starters, God has the power to forgive anything and anyone. Don't believe me??? Think of how sheer God's sacrifice was for your forgiveness. God is the purest Father out there (perfect and loving), he gave is only Son (the essence of all Truth and Goodness), to give himself up for us and you (dirty and disgusting people that we are). The first thing that you need to realize is that no sin is greater than God's power. If you doubt that God can forgive you, know that your doubt is an impossibility! Nothing you do, including sin, can be greater than God's greatest work through Jesus Christ.

Secondly, the fact that your husband has chosen to stay with you even after all that means that he truly loves and forgives you deep down, or at least wants to with all his heart. Believe me, otherwise he wouldn't bother. As for your friends, their opinion of you now is not so important or sacred as your salvation and your marriage. But your salvation is already assured if you simply accept it, and your marriage will be saved if you ask God and do a true 180.

I don't know everything about you, but I know this. You have a heart of genuine repentance right now, and following that repentance will only lead to good.

Lastly, if I might make a suggestion. I would take the last paragraph of your original post on here and say it to your husband. Why? Because it is clear from your words on that section that you have a genuine desire to improve and repent, and it shows in the wording. Quite frankly, it was a beautiful confession and re-commitment, and was very moving. Your husband would likely be moved by it. Also, a really good thing for you guys to do now would be to pray together in love... earnestly and for a good long time.

 

[Oreobarbie]

Girl God will forgive you. King David the man God himself said was "after God's own heart" Commited adultery with Bathsheba I think her name was. And He killed Her Husband. God forgave Him. So why wouldn't He forgive You? God loves you just as much. People are gonna persecute you that's a unfortunate fact of life. They wanted to stone the woman caught in adultery. But Jesus Said "Nor do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." Jesus WILL forgive you as long as you repent and turn from that sin. You're saved right? Don't focus on those that Judge you focus on those who Free you. And that's Jesus. So keep your head up.