T
If you were to ask me when my depression started, I would say 13yrs ago when I lost my father. He died in the ICU four days before my 9th birthday and the worst part was that the last time I saw him alive, he was unconscious and bloody. My heart broke and slowly through the years, I became more reserved. Even at that young age, I wouldn't let anyone see a single tear from me. I pretended to be strong, to have moved on when deep down I was breaking. I'm the baby of the house so I had a pretty tight bond with my dad. He was a doctor and would travel A LOT but he was always there for all of us. I could say he was my favorite parent 
the pain I kept inside gradually became worse and I found myself blaming both God and my dad. I blamed my father for being stubborn and not going to the hospital when he started feeling sick. One day he's next to me laughing and in two days he's gone just like that. And I never got to say goodbye. I blamed God because He took him before I could build solid memories with him. My older siblings have memories with our dad but all I have now are blurry flashbacks that I'm not even sure are real.
I always got along with all types of people and my main crowd was the rockers. Metal heads to be specific but I never joined them in the drinking, smoking and other stuff. Never even went onto the mosh pit since I'm the type to sit back and watch (hate dancing) anyway, I had very few Christian friends and even THEY didn't know the real me. No one does. My rocker friends seemed to get the darkest part I was coming from but I still stood my ground. I would boldly say no to sex with any of them, no to the drinks they would buy me and no to smoking (everything) I stood firm yes but it's the little things that we do that get us.
Last year I hit rock bottom. School was pulling me down, my family brushing off my problems, my father's death was still weighing on me and I lost it. I decided that I was done and I decided to sleep with a 'friend'. He told me that he was honored to be my first yet in my heart and mind, I felt NOTHING. He meant nothing at all.My faith had become but a small flicker of light and I felt abandoned by God. After that I still felt depressed and I knew that I had made a mistake. So I stopped what I had with that man. I started this year a new and cut all ties to him. He tried to guilt trip me into getting back with him but he's my past now. Everyday is a struggle to say no to temptations but with the help of scripture I have been able to keep the faith. I'm still not there, the depression is still messing me, which is why I came here today. To let it out. I still cry over my dad's death and thinking about it puts me down but I'm ready to let go.
the pain I kept inside gradually became worse and I found myself blaming both God and my dad. I blamed my father for being stubborn and not going to the hospital when he started feeling sick. One day he's next to me laughing and in two days he's gone just like that. And I never got to say goodbye. I blamed God because He took him before I could build solid memories with him. My older siblings have memories with our dad but all I have now are blurry flashbacks that I'm not even sure are real.I always got along with all types of people and my main crowd was the rockers. Metal heads to be specific but I never joined them in the drinking, smoking and other stuff. Never even went onto the mosh pit since I'm the type to sit back and watch (hate dancing) anyway, I had very few Christian friends and even THEY didn't know the real me. No one does. My rocker friends seemed to get the darkest part I was coming from but I still stood my ground. I would boldly say no to sex with any of them, no to the drinks they would buy me and no to smoking (everything) I stood firm yes but it's the little things that we do that get us.
Last year I hit rock bottom. School was pulling me down, my family brushing off my problems, my father's death was still weighing on me and I lost it. I decided that I was done and I decided to sleep with a 'friend'. He told me that he was honored to be my first yet in my heart and mind, I felt NOTHING. He meant nothing at all.My faith had become but a small flicker of light and I felt abandoned by God. After that I still felt depressed and I knew that I had made a mistake. So I stopped what I had with that man. I started this year a new and cut all ties to him. He tried to guilt trip me into getting back with him but he's my past now. Everyday is a struggle to say no to temptations but with the help of scripture I have been able to keep the faith. I'm still not there, the depression is still messing me, which is why I came here today. To let it out. I still cry over my dad's death and thinking about it puts me down but I'm ready to let go.