So, I've made quite a lot of threads, embarrassingly many, ashamed many.
But I would be forever grateful if you could read this once again, as i pour out my soul.
Ive posted like even 2 years ago, when I drank everyday searching for answers or peace in a bottle, only to realize when I got to far out in addiction that it only brought me down..
Ive posted like even last year, when I took many drugs, magic mushrooms, cocaine, LSD, just to search for answers, only to realize it was filled with illusions..
Even this year, I smoked weed.. Twice. and had psychosis both the times.
First time, I remember i smoked, then I only remember small things, like that I went to the toilet, and fell asleep, and had a really lively dream, could hear people talking, like voices, like 'my friends' who I thought in the dream they were close to me, but they weren't. (so my brain was running with 100 miles an hour, while i was sleeping, very weird feeling)
I had this thought in my head, while I was sleeping, that "this is what it feels like to be in hell, this is what it must feel like, when you're about to die" and I kept thinking "Oh God no, im scared, I didnt believe in God, I regret it, but now its too late" In my dream, someone puked, cause i heard someone puking, but I couldnt see who it was. and I opened my eyes maybe 0,1 second, sometimes, cause sometimes in my dream, I would get glimses of reality, and like the 20th time i saw the glimse image of puke everywhere on the bathroom floor, i immedialty got up, and thought 'omg it was me who puked'.
It was a very weird experience that I wouldnt want my worst enemy to experience.
my second experience, I smoked weed, and immedialty as i started walking, i remember trying to communicate but the reality i knew was SO distant, like i litteraly dont remember anything, only Glimpses again, even though i was fully awake they said. They as in, my friends, and two teachers on a school.
Apparently I had started being weird, and saying "This isnt real life" and I remember thinking, 'Is this how all feel when they smoke weed? It's not reality, its not nice at all.' and I was put to bed, until I had like a major panick attack.
I dont remember people, or seeing stuff, or anything, I just remember, being so aware of everything, my heart beating, my nerve-center, my breaths, everything, body-wise. So I guess the weed was too strong for my body to handle? AND my family genetics, who has psychosis/schitzophrenia? Apparently I walked around, so confused and scared, that 20 years would pass by, and I would only 'wake up' after that. and I kept saying 'my brother been at a mental hospital, i didnt know how he was feeling, now i know'. (talked to my brother after my psychosis, and he says he has never experienced anything like that) and i was so scared that time would just pass by, cause how would I know if time was passing by, if i was not living in reality? if the reality was so distant, and i couldnt reach it, or focus on it?
It was a VERY weird experience, that still frightens me to death when i think about it, also if i will ever get it again.
Obviously never smoking weed again, ever.
It lasted about 8 hours, then I remember from there on, and I was trying to sleep, and when i woke up next morning, I had a hard time focusing with my eyes, on things, or when people talked. But it went away, I think it was just cause i questioned my vision, my reality, as in 'woah what happend last week with my psychosis' and i would zone out, all the time..
i write a lot of poetry, pouring my soul out, but if you read this far, (which i appreciate it) you can sense what my poetry is about..
I've wanted to be a christian for long, even since i was younger, cause I knew there must be something 'higher'
I questioned everything at little. And Pictured people falling like dominoes pieces fall, cause they all rely on each other, not knowing they're confused, not complete, not.. sane? And as I began my teenage years, and people slept with who, and kissed blabla, and bragged and rumors and gossiped, i remember thinking: "All I really want is to be loved, to be happy.
All I really want is someone to turn my soul on. Can my soul turn anyone on?" Of course thats a weird saying, but turning on, as in, give motivation to my soul, happiness, purpose.
I've been watching a lot of documentaries, movies, heard songs, read a lot, but only now i'm honestly reading the bible, page to page, every night.
But honestly it scares me, it scares me to throw away my ego, throw away my moral, my whole belief system, my upbringing, who i am, or was, my whole world, my eyes, how i see the world, to let go, to surrender"
Now, I have a hard time surrending, and I cant stop thinking about it.
I think the most thing that scares me is my psychosis, my world changing SO much, and im so scared that if i believe it will give me a psychosis. Like I had, Like my brother is struggling with everyday for the last 4 years.
Isnt that so wrong to think? Please dont call me silly or anything haha, im just a scared child..
My biggest music influence is Beatles, John Lennon. I remember when I heard "how" from his album imagine, that went straight into my soul, and i for the first time understood, and became aware of how i was feeling. Ironicly, it used to be my drunk-to-go song. So i dont really like that song much now, brings bad memories. But John Lennon even had a christian phase, wrote christian songs, until Yoko Ono told him not to, and got him hooked on heroine.. (you can find some of his christian songs like: help me to help myself, on youtube. but most are deleted, all the evidence haha.. Yoko Ono man.
I think maybe i have a hard time surrendering, cause I grew up as an atheist thinker, and now i feel so unnormal, like I dont belong. Everyone i talk to grew up as atheist thinkers, and i've experienced the atheist irony too much: Violent atheist hating religions, cause they're to violent. Atheist calling themselves open minded, yet never read a single page in the bible.
I guess I would like to talk, to message someone on here, any one. Maybe even on a social media?
I think I need a friend, not to make me less un-normal, but to guide me?
I'm not so aware really of what I need, other than love. and I know I can't just pray to God now, asking him to love me. Cause why would he? I gotta let him into my heart first, i gotta believe 100% first, the love has to come from my heart first right? All I can ask is, that He will give me strenght to open my heart. Cause in reality, i'm my worst enenmy. I feel ashamed to feel suicidal sometimes, i'd never do it, but thoughts pop into my head.
hope you'll reply.
Sorry for being a joy-killer on a friday night guys.
But I would be forever grateful if you could read this once again, as i pour out my soul.
Ive posted like even 2 years ago, when I drank everyday searching for answers or peace in a bottle, only to realize when I got to far out in addiction that it only brought me down..
Ive posted like even last year, when I took many drugs, magic mushrooms, cocaine, LSD, just to search for answers, only to realize it was filled with illusions..
Even this year, I smoked weed.. Twice. and had psychosis both the times.
First time, I remember i smoked, then I only remember small things, like that I went to the toilet, and fell asleep, and had a really lively dream, could hear people talking, like voices, like 'my friends' who I thought in the dream they were close to me, but they weren't. (so my brain was running with 100 miles an hour, while i was sleeping, very weird feeling)
I had this thought in my head, while I was sleeping, that "this is what it feels like to be in hell, this is what it must feel like, when you're about to die" and I kept thinking "Oh God no, im scared, I didnt believe in God, I regret it, but now its too late" In my dream, someone puked, cause i heard someone puking, but I couldnt see who it was. and I opened my eyes maybe 0,1 second, sometimes, cause sometimes in my dream, I would get glimses of reality, and like the 20th time i saw the glimse image of puke everywhere on the bathroom floor, i immedialty got up, and thought 'omg it was me who puked'.
It was a very weird experience that I wouldnt want my worst enemy to experience.
my second experience, I smoked weed, and immedialty as i started walking, i remember trying to communicate but the reality i knew was SO distant, like i litteraly dont remember anything, only Glimpses again, even though i was fully awake they said. They as in, my friends, and two teachers on a school.
Apparently I had started being weird, and saying "This isnt real life" and I remember thinking, 'Is this how all feel when they smoke weed? It's not reality, its not nice at all.' and I was put to bed, until I had like a major panick attack.
I dont remember people, or seeing stuff, or anything, I just remember, being so aware of everything, my heart beating, my nerve-center, my breaths, everything, body-wise. So I guess the weed was too strong for my body to handle? AND my family genetics, who has psychosis/schitzophrenia? Apparently I walked around, so confused and scared, that 20 years would pass by, and I would only 'wake up' after that. and I kept saying 'my brother been at a mental hospital, i didnt know how he was feeling, now i know'. (talked to my brother after my psychosis, and he says he has never experienced anything like that) and i was so scared that time would just pass by, cause how would I know if time was passing by, if i was not living in reality? if the reality was so distant, and i couldnt reach it, or focus on it?
It was a VERY weird experience, that still frightens me to death when i think about it, also if i will ever get it again.
Obviously never smoking weed again, ever.
It lasted about 8 hours, then I remember from there on, and I was trying to sleep, and when i woke up next morning, I had a hard time focusing with my eyes, on things, or when people talked. But it went away, I think it was just cause i questioned my vision, my reality, as in 'woah what happend last week with my psychosis' and i would zone out, all the time..
i write a lot of poetry, pouring my soul out, but if you read this far, (which i appreciate it) you can sense what my poetry is about..
I've wanted to be a christian for long, even since i was younger, cause I knew there must be something 'higher'
I questioned everything at little. And Pictured people falling like dominoes pieces fall, cause they all rely on each other, not knowing they're confused, not complete, not.. sane? And as I began my teenage years, and people slept with who, and kissed blabla, and bragged and rumors and gossiped, i remember thinking: "All I really want is to be loved, to be happy.
All I really want is someone to turn my soul on. Can my soul turn anyone on?" Of course thats a weird saying, but turning on, as in, give motivation to my soul, happiness, purpose.
I've been watching a lot of documentaries, movies, heard songs, read a lot, but only now i'm honestly reading the bible, page to page, every night.
But honestly it scares me, it scares me to throw away my ego, throw away my moral, my whole belief system, my upbringing, who i am, or was, my whole world, my eyes, how i see the world, to let go, to surrender"
Now, I have a hard time surrending, and I cant stop thinking about it.
I think the most thing that scares me is my psychosis, my world changing SO much, and im so scared that if i believe it will give me a psychosis. Like I had, Like my brother is struggling with everyday for the last 4 years.
Isnt that so wrong to think? Please dont call me silly or anything haha, im just a scared child..
My biggest music influence is Beatles, John Lennon. I remember when I heard "how" from his album imagine, that went straight into my soul, and i for the first time understood, and became aware of how i was feeling. Ironicly, it used to be my drunk-to-go song. So i dont really like that song much now, brings bad memories. But John Lennon even had a christian phase, wrote christian songs, until Yoko Ono told him not to, and got him hooked on heroine.. (you can find some of his christian songs like: help me to help myself, on youtube. but most are deleted, all the evidence haha.. Yoko Ono man.
I think maybe i have a hard time surrendering, cause I grew up as an atheist thinker, and now i feel so unnormal, like I dont belong. Everyone i talk to grew up as atheist thinkers, and i've experienced the atheist irony too much: Violent atheist hating religions, cause they're to violent. Atheist calling themselves open minded, yet never read a single page in the bible.
I guess I would like to talk, to message someone on here, any one. Maybe even on a social media?
I think I need a friend, not to make me less un-normal, but to guide me?
I'm not so aware really of what I need, other than love. and I know I can't just pray to God now, asking him to love me. Cause why would he? I gotta let him into my heart first, i gotta believe 100% first, the love has to come from my heart first right? All I can ask is, that He will give me strenght to open my heart. Cause in reality, i'm my worst enenmy. I feel ashamed to feel suicidal sometimes, i'd never do it, but thoughts pop into my head.
hope you'll reply.
Sorry for being a joy-killer on a friday night guys.
