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I suffer from social anxiety and major depression and it is very debilitating. It also doesn't help that it's hard to stop feeling alone. my few friends either are always busy or live far away. I try to get involved, especially at church, but nothing changes. I've tried meditating on verses, praying, and I don't feel anything when I go to church and can't connect with people despite going to retreats, volunteering, or Sunday school. I even tried the counseling center at my church and they were of no help. So I don't understand how to feel about God. I don't like going to church anymore and wouldn't if it wasn't for my mother. But she just always talks about my apathy for it and guilts me. I feel like I should be able to make my own choices as a full fledged adult. I mostly got baptized because of her. I go to an amazing church so I feel it's my fault. My sister on the other hand is the complete opposite: goes to a Christian College, gone on mission trips, interned at another church, is outgoing and has tons of friends. I know I'm not supposed to compare but I can't understand why my life is so boring and uneventful, despite countless efforts. Too many regrets and feelings of shame and embarrassment that I am not much to be remembered by. Ive tried to be tolerable of myself but I just hate myself so much it's too hard to live with. I wanted to apply to a graduate counseling program but I can't even help myself. I've tried medication, therapy is not too helpful and getting harder to afford. I've tried everything and I don't understand what I'm not doing right. It's affecting my job, friendships, relationships, professionally, like every way possible. I'm tired of being timid and nervous at 25.
