I'm sick of being me, no matter how hard I try, I keep falling back on sinful ways

[paulywalnuts]

Hi, this is my first post on these forums. I'm a 22 year old male, I'll be 23 in January. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start by saying, I believe in god, but sometimes it's hard to believe believe if you get what im saying. I want to be a good christian, but sometimes its hard to see past how hard my life seems right now and believe that somehow if i try to be a better person, my problems will go away. I grew up in a christian household but we rarely go to church. I've come here because this is the only place i can think of that might be able to help, everywhere else just says "just be yourself" which is useless when i don't want to continue this behavior.

It feels like every other guy my age has already had a girlfriend, been kissed, and more. I haven't. I've somehow managed to make it to 22, graduate college, and still end up friendless and a loser that's never eve held hands with a girl or been on a date. This is where my issue comes in. There's nothing i've ever wanted more than to find a wife, get married, and start a family but given how terribly that's going so far, I've been feeling incredibly lonely. This i=has led me into some sinful and embarrassing behavior that I don't know how to stop. I've taken to going online, chatting with other guys and doing things on video chat that I'm embarrassed to even admit that i've done. It started off with me looking for any human intimate interaction i could get, but it has gotten to the point where i have developed a physically attraction to other men. I've taken to watching homosexual pornography, though i usually watch straight pornography (i know, they are both just as bad). I feel so ashamed at what i've done, things that i will have to live with for the rest of my life. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thankfully, this hasn't manifested into any real life encounters, I'm still a virgin, but even with what ive done online, it just feels hopeless. While I am physically attracted to women to a certain extend, it seems that my attraction to other guys is just stronger. I see a woman and i don't really think about her body like most other guys do, meanwhile i'll see a guy will think about his body.

I think what made me susceptible to this in the first place is i've always felt like less than a man. I mean i'm a 5'7 guy (shorter than the average guy), i have a small body, small feet, small hands, i'm not confident in my looks, never had any close friends, never played sports, i can't hold a conversation very well, i'm shy, and top top it all off ive never had any intimate interaction with a woman. That kind of stuff just gets to you, you know? It makes me feel inadequate, to the point where i just started seeking validation from the only place i could get it: guys who are attracted to guys. I hate myself for falling down this rabbit hole, and now i don't know how to get out. I feel like I've joined my life.

I've thought about suicide. Still do, to tell you the truth. The only thing that stops me from doing it is the thought of my parents being left with the grief it would give them to lose their son. I cant bear to be that selfish. Because of this, every day i wake up, dreading getting out of bed because i know it wil be another day of me living a life that i hate. I just want to. Be normal. I want to be a normal guy who just wakes up, and lives his life not having to worry about these problems. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that i will make it, that I will one day meet a woman, start a family, and be happy.

I don't see how this will ever happen, though. I want to believe that god will be able to help me change but what if he can't? What if the best i can hope for is that i just stop sinnnig, and that i won't ever be able to develop a normal physical attraction to a woman? If celibacy is all i can ever hope for, i don't know if i want to live. As i said, I want to marry a woman and be happy. I don't want to spend my life alone. But it just scares me that even if i try to change, i won't be able to be a true man for her. That wouldn't be fair to her. Plus, what woman will want to be with a man who has suffered these problems?

I don't know anymore. Thank you to anyone that has made it through this absurdly long post. I just hope there's someone out there willing and able to help me get through this.

 

[88]

I went through all kinds of stuff too---drugs, sex, ect----found a good church---people loved me, laid hands on me/prayed... ****I would get with the pastor and pray in tongues some days 5 hours--- I could literally feel my brain change--- be persistent, don't give up...

 

[Amazing-Grace]

I went through all kinds of stuff too---drugs, sex, ect----found a good church---people loved me, laid hands on me/prayed... ****I would get with the pastor and pray in tongues some days 5 hours--- I could literally feel my brain change--- be persistent, don't give up...

All good but I'd just like to point out you do not need to pray in tongues for God to touch you. God CHOOSES those who society rejects for one reason or another and the depths you have fallen are no deeper that the depths of others...you seem perfectly normal to me and why would you even be thinking of marriage at the tender age of 22? Ask God to direct you to Christian friendships that may someday lead you to a wife. As for the pornography...the deeper you get with God the less the need will be for wilful sin.

 

[paulywalnuts]

@88 thanks for the reply. I'm glad to hear from someone who's been through something similar and successfully turned things around. Hopefully i can change too. I'm worried im not strong enough though. I failed so many times i just don't know what to do anymore

 

[paulywalnuts]

@amazing-grace, thanks for the kind words. Idk, it just feels hopeless. While it's true I'm pretty young to be worrying about marriage, I can't help but thing about how normal guys my age would have at least had their first kiss by now. I feel so abnormal. And on top of this, i suffer from same-sex attractions too, which makes me fear i'll never be able to have a normal straight relationship if those homosexual urges don't go away. I feel like everything is working against me.

 

[Amazing-Grace]

@amazing-grace, thanks for the kind words. Idk, it just feels hopeless. While it's true I'm pretty young to be worrying about marriage, I can't help but thing about how normal guys my age would have at least had their first kiss by now. I feel so abnormal. And on top of this, i suffer from same-sex attractions too, which makes me fear i'll never be able to have a normal straight relationship if those homosexual urges don't go away. I feel like everything is working against me.

I believe the attraction to men you speak of is just a by product of the need for any relationship. Turn to God and ask Him to direct you towards Christian friendships, refuse to listen to this inner voice which isn't of God but the enemy. The problem is that society normalises homosexuality therefore displaying it to you as an option - it isn't.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Very long post, so THANK YOU for using paragraphs!! Many here, including myself, have bad eyes and cannot read a straight wall of text with no breaks in it. Don't feel bad, I was 23 when I had my first kiss. I was also still a virgin at 23, until the night I got raped. :/ Ironically the guy who raped me was also the one who gave me my first kiss as he was taking my virginity.. but I digress..

The time WILL come when you will find a wife, marry and start a family. God will bring her to you. I know it's hard, but we all just have to wait on God's timing for what we want. You say you're unconfident in your looks. Well, I'm NOT flirting, lol, but you look like a fairly handsome guy to me. The girls will definitely find you attractive.

As far as suicide goes, please read my suicide and depression threads in my signature below. It's guaranteed to inspire you. Everyone here has problems so you aren't alone on that. There is NOTHING that God cannot do. But he does things in his own time, and that's usually not instantaneously. And for some serious inspiration, go to the Testimonies forum and read any testimony. I recommend that you read Blain's testimony, and the testimony of TemporaryCircumstances. They are awesome.

 

[HisHolly]

All in time.. I gave my life to Christ around 2009 and I wasn't free from being bisexual until four years ago.. it's definitely a fight.. don't give up.. it's not impossible.. you learned habits over the course of years and some things take longer to unlearn.. what I mean is some things you lose desire for right away. Others BC of a deeper hold on you, they take time to break from...

 

[paulywalnuts]

Hey @hisholly, thanks for the reply. How exactly did you go about getting started? Every time I try to stop this behavior, theres always a subconscious part of me that pulls me back, and then i get discouraged

 

[paulywalnuts]

Very long post, so THANK YOU for using paragraphs!! Many here, including myself, have bad eyes and cannot read a straight wall of text with no breaks in it. Don't feel bad, I was 23 when I had my first kiss. I was also still a virgin at 23, until the night I got raped. :/ Ironically the guy who raped me was also the one who gave me my first kiss as he was taking my virginity.. but I digress..

The time WILL come when you will find a wife, marry and start a family. God will bring her to you. I know it's hard, but we all just have to wait on God's timing for what we want. You say you're unconfident in your looks. Well, I'm NOT flirting, lol, but you look like a fairly handsome guy to me. The girls will definitely find you attractive.

As far as suicide goes, please read my suicide and depression threads in my signature below. It's guaranteed to inspire you. Everyone here has problems so you aren't alone on that. There is NOTHING that God cannot do. But he does things in his own time, and that's usually not instantaneously. And for some serious inspiration, go to the Testimonies forum and read any testimony. I recommend that you read Blain's testimony, and the testimony of TemporaryCircumstances. They are awesome.

Thanks for the kind words, I'll be sure to take a look at your threads.

 

[tourist]

Seeing as you are 22 and have graduated college you are certainly not a loser. You won't find validation as a man from the activity you are engaging in. This type of validation will come only from God. You also need to stop watching the porn online as that is a debilitating behavior that will destroy you from the inside out.

I read nothing in your post that would prevent you from getting a girl friend. I believe that the thoughts you have now about men are due to your low self esteem. God can certainly change you into the man He wants you to become if this is what you are seeking also.

If you truly desire a relationship with a woman, and I believe that you do, pray to God to search and find the woman of your hearts desire. This may not happen today or tomorrow but it will happen sooner rather than later. You just never know who you are going to run into, she may be coming around the corner right at this moment.

I have said a prayer for God to deliver you from these tormenting thoughts and activity that makes you want to stay in bed and not face the world. Ending your life is not the answer but rather living your life the way God has intended is.

Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.

 

[EmilyNats]

What's wrong with being a virgin? And there isn't anything wrong with being short, either. More people have had problems with porn and their sexuality than you seem to realize. Not necessarily that such is a good thing, but it just goes to demonstrate that you are not exceptionally bad and that there is plenty of hope for you. The fact that you admit what you are doing is wrong and are actively seeking help is in itself a large step in the right direction.

 

[popeye]

do like elisha.
get alongside powerful believers.

you are by yourself.

that is not a good strategy.

find several meetings to go to. spend bookoo time in churches. God will meet you. He will bring friends.

 

[Demi777]

Matthew 11:28-30
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

We people are always failable. We fall back into the most, easily to avoid, things. We are human. There is only one who never fails. That my friend is God. Every day you open your eyes is a new start where God gives you a chance to come to him.
Go to Jesus with your problems, just keep committing them to him and watch miracles happen. People coming into your life. Find a church and people who are willing to help you in person (here we cant do a lot besides pray and tell you what we think). God is faithful.
Though you may think no one cares about you, let me tell you one thing. God picks up the ones, that seem to themselves, the most insignificant into leaders.
Psalm 118
The stone which the builders rejected
Has become the chief cornerstone.
23 This was the Lord’s doing;
It is marvelous in our eyes.
24 This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.

God has given you life through Christ and conquered death. God loves you and freed you from the penalty of your sin. Let not death entangle you! Rejoice in the life that has been granted to you. You can watch the sun go up and hear the fall of the rain.
Alone by the fact that you came to us for help shows me, God has not given up on you and he wants you to feel better. Keep this in mind when suicide creeps in
Psalm 118
I shall not die, but live,
And declare the works of the Lord.
18 The Lord has chastened me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.


[/FONT]
[/FONT]
God bless you brother. Go to the Lord and be free as a bird

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The pains of death surrounded me,
And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me;
I found trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called upon the name of the Lord:
“O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!”[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]5 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
Yes, our God is merciful.
6 The Lord preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7 Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]8 For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.[/FONT]
[/FONT]

 

[G00WZ]

A few things to remember, your no longer a sinner regardless of what you think or what you are doing , you just happened to have some bad habits out of your old identity... you need to get into your new identity in Christ...the old you had sin issues, but he died on the cross 2000 years ago...You are a new creation in Christ, and you are a new person reborn.... What you have to do now is agree with what God says about you now because you are a saint, you are washed by the blood of Christ, you are Holy righteous and precious to HIM and He has no problems with you, but your carnal mind has problems with the new you... why? because the new you is spirit... the carnal cant ever agree with it... Believe it or not you have 2 minds.. the carnal mind and the mind of Christ and if you are kind of on the fence about agreeing with your identity or you disagree, you will always be in conflict with yourself, and you will always struggle until you finally start to agree with what God said about you, and you start believing and walking in it, instead of submitting and agreeing to the carnal mind.

When you finally understand all these things i mentioned and start living in them and walking in them while putting your faith on Christ and agreeing with God... bro trust me when i say things will fall into place... desires and things you once had that were of sinful nature will fall away... I can say this because i was broken like you, but now i walk in Christ.

 

[notmyown]

Pauly, dear (hope you don't mind that, you're just a year older than my youngest of 6) ---

first, welcome to the site.

second, thank you for thinking of your parents' devastation at the possibility of losing you to suicide!
that's just terrific, in this mom's opinion. because they would always, always blame themselves, so i really appreciate you're thinking of others above yourself.

and child... ♥
there's so much more to being a man than size or sex. God fashioned you perfectly, just as He wanted you to be.
(and i agree with bluebug, you're very attractive!)
my husband isn't a big guy, either, but he follows Jesus, works hard, cares for me and our kids and grandkids, leads our family, listens to us, solves our dilemmas (he's the king of life hacks, lol), did i mention listens to us?

and yet, that's still not the definition of being a man.

it's not about sports or muscles or height, sweetheart, it's about having a heart for the Lord.
the epitome of manhood is Jesus Himself. the Bible tells us He wasn't anything out of the ordinary to look at, and He lived and died a virgin. (yeah, Emily what's wrong with being a virgin! )
He lived in complete dependence on His Father and did as He wished. look no further than Jesus for your role model.

if you belong to Christ, He has given you the wherewithal to withstand the temptations and sins you're undergoing.
i understand it's hard work, but you're equipped to do it. i wish i knew just what to tell you; there's no magic bullet, though.
moment by moment, at first, refuse to go to the computer to fulfill these desires. i applaud you realizing they're wrong, and will pray for you.

and i want to tell you about our friend Chip... he's three inches shorter than you are, and he met and married his wife when he was 30. she's 6'1"!
we attended their wedding, and it was glorious. they now have 5 children, almost all grown.

find a church, don't let shame keep you from it. talk to someone on the pastoral staff. we can only help you so much, despite our desire to do so. you need real life men to guide you, pray with you, hear you when you're falling, love you, encourage you.

God can help you, and He will. take the steps you know to take, and seek and trust Him.

God bless you, child.
Numbers 6:24-26 (check it out in your Bible. if you don't have one, let me know; i'll send you one. )

 

[paulywalnuts]

@notmyown thanks for taking the time to write this out, reading through it I've started to feel a bit more hopeful about the future. I guess I do get too hung up on thinking I'm alone in this when in reality I have people like you and the others who have replied to my post who are willing to help me along the way, which I appreciate greatly.

I guess where I'm at right now is I'm trying to become a more active Christian. I've always called myself a Christian but what does that really mean if I've never even read more than a couple of passages in the Bible? I don't really know where to start but as per some advice I got in the Christian chat, last night I downloaded the ESV version of the Bible on my kindle, and I read through chapters 1-10 of Matthew. I was feeling pretty down but reading through the Bible for the first time, my negative thoughts started feeling less important. I'm looking forward to continuing my reading today.

About heading to my local church and speaking with people there, I don't know if I'm ready just yet. I'm a very socially anxious guy but hopefully I can eventually work up the courage to go there myself. To tell you the truth, since I graduated college in May, don't have any friends to hang out with, and don't yet have a job, I haven't really been out of the house much except to go to the mall or out to eat with my sister/mother, as sad as that sounds. I don't even have a car so any place I go, I'd have to take the bus/train. If I suddenly decided to start attending church out of the blue, my parents would get suspicious that I might be going through something, espescially since they know j don't have any friends to hang out with and no other reason to be leaving the house. I'm not really ready to tell my parents about the issues I'm having. Once I get a job and a car, though, I'll definitely start becoming more active in an actual church rather than just studying the Bible on my own

 

[EmilyNats]

About heading to my local church and speaking with people there, I don't know if I'm ready just yet. I'm a very socially anxious guy but hopefully I can eventually work up the courage to go there myself. To tell you the truth, since I graduated college in May, don't have any friends to hang out with, and don't yet have a job, I haven't really been out of the house much except to go to the mall or out to eat with my sister/mother, as sad as that sounds. I don't even have a car so any place I go, I'd have to take the bus/train. If I suddenly decided to start attending church out of the blue, my parents would get suspicious that I might be going through something, espescially since they know j don't have any friends to hang out with and no other reason to be leaving the house. I'm not really ready to tell my parents about the issues I'm having. Once I get a job and a car, though, I'll definitely start becoming more active in an actual church rather than just studying the Bible on my own

Don't wait to go to church, man. Never wait to change for the better. There is always going something that could keep you away, some excuse that puts thing off for just "a little while longer". After that, there is a high possibility of you getting comfortable and losing your sense of urgency, then falling back into old habits. I know it can be really hard when you want to do something that you know you need to do, but you just know that if you do something out of the ordinary your parents are going to be alarmed and try to pry into your business. Seriously, my mother terrifies me. But sometimes you just have to do it anyway. And really, you aren't obligated to tell them just yet. If you respectfully tell them that you don't want to talk about it, they might surprise you and leave it alone.

Honestly, I don't have many friends either. There are my mom's friends, and then people at church. And... thats pretty much it. It's not so bad, I guess. Except for when it leads you to make impulsive decisions, which I and plenty of other people have done, as you have heard. But friends are about quality, not quantity.

 

[HisHolly]

PM me if you want..

Hey @hisholly, thanks for the reply. How exactly did you go about getting started? Every time I try to stop this behavior, theres always a subconscious part of me that pulls me back, and then i get discouraged

 

[Wild]

Look at it this way: life is a blip in the history of the universe. Its nothing to get stressed over! What is important is your Eternal life brother! Who cares about when you get a first kiss, lose your virginity, get married, etc. God does not care, God cares about your spirit, your soul man! He might give you a wife but He might also have a different plan for you!

I am 26, a virgin, and proud of it. That doesnt make me a loser . Im a winner, I will wait on Gods timing, stop focusing on the flesh stop comparing yourself to your peers! Work on your soul brother, the rest will fall into place. Best of luck to you , never call yourself a loser! God made you to be a winner, please dont dissappoint Him.