Hi, this is my first post on these forums. I'm a 22 year old male, I'll be 23 in January. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start by saying, I believe in god, but sometimes it's hard to believe believe if you get what im saying. I want to be a good christian, but sometimes its hard to see past how hard my life seems right now and believe that somehow if i try to be a better person, my problems will go away. I grew up in a christian household but we rarely go to church. I've come here because this is the only place i can think of that might be able to help, everywhere else just says "just be yourself" which is useless when i don't want to continue this behavior.
It feels like every other guy my age has already had a girlfriend, been kissed, and more. I haven't. I've somehow managed to make it to 22, graduate college, and still end up friendless and a loser that's never eve held hands with a girl or been on a date. This is where my issue comes in. There's nothing i've ever wanted more than to find a wife, get married, and start a family but given how terribly that's going so far, I've been feeling incredibly lonely. This i=has led me into some sinful and embarrassing behavior that I don't know how to stop. I've taken to going online, chatting with other guys and doing things on video chat that I'm embarrassed to even admit that i've done. It started off with me looking for any human intimate interaction i could get, but it has gotten to the point where i have developed a physically attraction to other men. I've taken to watching homosexual pornography, though i usually watch straight pornography (i know, they are both just as bad). I feel so ashamed at what i've done, things that i will have to live with for the rest of my life. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thankfully, this hasn't manifested into any real life encounters, I'm still a virgin, but even with what ive done online, it just feels hopeless. While I am physically attracted to women to a certain extend, it seems that my attraction to other guys is just stronger. I see a woman and i don't really think about her body like most other guys do, meanwhile i'll see a guy will think about his body.
I think what made me susceptible to this in the first place is i've always felt like less than a man. I mean i'm a 5'7 guy (shorter than the average guy), i have a small body, small feet, small hands, i'm not confident in my looks, never had any close friends, never played sports, i can't hold a conversation very well, i'm shy, and top top it all off ive never had any intimate interaction with a woman. That kind of stuff just gets to you, you know? It makes me feel inadequate, to the point where i just started seeking validation from the only place i could get it: guys who are attracted to guys. I hate myself for falling down this rabbit hole, and now i don't know how to get out. I feel like I've joined my life.
I've thought about suicide. Still do, to tell you the truth. The only thing that stops me from doing it is the thought of my parents being left with the grief it would give them to lose their son. I cant bear to be that selfish. Because of this, every day i wake up, dreading getting out of bed because i know it wil be another day of me living a life that i hate. I just want to. Be normal. I want to be a normal guy who just wakes up, and lives his life not having to worry about these problems. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that i will make it, that I will one day meet a woman, start a family, and be happy.
I don't see how this will ever happen, though. I want to believe that god will be able to help me change but what if he can't? What if the best i can hope for is that i just stop sinnnig, and that i won't ever be able to develop a normal physical attraction to a woman? If celibacy is all i can ever hope for, i don't know if i want to live. As i said, I want to marry a woman and be happy. I don't want to spend my life alone. But it just scares me that even if i try to change, i won't be able to be a true man for her. That wouldn't be fair to her. Plus, what woman will want to be with a man who has suffered these problems?
I don't know anymore. Thank you to anyone that has made it through this absurdly long post. I just hope there's someone out there willing and able to help me get through this.