I've been just feeling really sad lately. I've never been diagnosed with depression, but I have been depressed and unjoyful for a long time. I also have so many negative feelings towards people, and I hate that about myself. It's like I have to try really hard to be nice. But the bad thoughts are always there.
In the past, I used a ouija board and found out that demons actually exist. I started getting "sleep paralysis" and some of them would be really intense. I went to church for the 1st time, and received Christ as the one who died for me. The attacks continued, and would scare me a lot. My latest attack was earlier today.
To escape from all the depression and obsessive thoughts I have, I go to porn. I started when I was in grade 6. I have tried my very best to stop, after believing that there really was a God and that Jesus died for me. It took a lot of courage to tell a church member about my struggle. They prayed for me and they also told my pastor that I am having this struggle. I called my pastor as well, but he said that he would meet me in a week. He never called me, and never asked me about my struggle. I felt let down. That was a few years ago, and I just don't want to confess it again. I also confessed to a pastor from a different evangelical church, and he told me that God doesn't care whether I masturbate. This pastor didn't seem to care that much about my well-being. I just feel that there is no point in resisting anymore, or telling anyone else.
With the depression, obsessive intrusive thoughts, sleep paralysis, and porn bondage, I just hate life. I know that I'm displeasing to Christ. My family is not Christian as well. It's like I want to get some terminal illness and just be done with life. I get sad when I wake up and have to face another day. I just don't get how on earth Jesus will not say to me, "I never knew you" to me. And that scares me. Does anybody have any insight or suggestions for me? Because I feel like my walk with Christ is non-existent.