Seeking help with a relationship. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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forgiveandforget

Guest
#1
#1
Hello all! I'm quite new to this site so please bear with me. :)
I'm here seeking any help, advice, or fresh perspective about a current situation. I am in a new relationship with a great guy. We met a while back during a pretty rough time for the both of us due to both getting out of toxic relationships. We became fast friends and were there for each other during the hard times. After taking time and making sure we both felt ready, we entered into a dating relationship that will be one month at the end of this month (August)! The problem is this: he has been in a good amount of harmful relationships in the past that have left deep scars on him. He got introduced to pornography at an early age and his past girlfriends did not handle the situation in a Godly manner that offered forgiveness and benefited him. He knows how dangerous this sin is and he truly wants to overcome it but keeps getting pulled back into it whenever he has negative emotions or isn't in the best mood. I let him know that I'm here for him and try to encourage him and remind him that God is forgiving and that he has to keep fighting. Although I have never been in this situation, I am doing my best to help and it really affects me a lot, I've struggled with anxiety and insecurity for the past two years, and it is only increasing. I feel distant from him and unable to help. I love him dearly and don't want to end the relationship because I believe that God can heal and restore his heart. This isn't a daily occurrence, but it is starting to happen more often now and I just don't know what to do. I would love to hear what anyone thinks of this and if any girls have been through this at well.
 
J

joefizz

Guest
#2
#2
forgiveandforget said:
Hello all! I'm quite new to this site so please bear with me. :)
I'm here seeking any help, advice, or fresh perspective about a current situation. I am in a new relationship with a great guy. We met a while back during a pretty rough time for the both of us due to both getting out of toxic relationships. We became fast friends and were there for each other during the hard times. After taking time and making sure we both felt ready, we entered into a dating relationship that will be one month at the end of this month (August)! The problem is this: he has been in a good amount of harmful relationships in the past that have left deep scars on him. He got introduced to pornography at an early age and his past girlfriends did not handle the situation in a Godly manner that offered forgiveness and benefited him. He knows how dangerous this sin is and he truly wants to overcome it but keeps getting pulled back into it whenever he has negative emotions or isn't in the best mood. I let him know that I'm here for him and try to encourage him and remind him that God is forgiving and that he has to keep fighting. Although I have never been in this situation, I am doing my best to help and it really affects me a lot, I've struggled with anxiety and insecurity for the past two years, and it is only increasing. I feel distant from him and unable to help. I love him dearly and don't want to end the relationship because I believe that God can heal and restore his heart. This isn't a daily occurrence, but it is starting to happen more often now and I just don't know what to do. I would love to hear what anyone thinks of this and if any girls have been through this at well.
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well as a guy that "Had" the same "problem",I would suggest introducing him to a mentality of "Fear" regarding his backsliding, going back to this sinful and persistently annoying sin,you see this a battle of mind over matter,if you could get him focused upon seeing pornography as sinful and "Fear" doing such an "action" of viewing it,then he may change around because I actually eventually decided of all things to vow to God that if I viewed such things or lusted after women that I desired for God to put a plague upon me of some kind,if I pursued such things again,particularly the "Fear" of a plague of warts has kept me in check,so that now everytime I think of such foolishness I think of my vow and remember the consequence of breaking it and so now I don't do such things anymore!
so just find a way to "Change" your boyfriend's "mentality" to think upon "consequences" otherwise you'll see no change,hope this helps!
 
C

CMWilson

Junior Member
#3
Aug 1, 2017
1
0
0
#3
Hi there friend! Congratulations on your new relationship:) I can tell you care about your boyfriend a lot, and it seems the two of you are doing everything you can do build a healthy foundation.
I completely understand what you are going through, and how it is making you feel. I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years. About a year into our relationship I finally got up the courage to ask my boyfriend his stance on porn, and he admitted it had been a struggle of his for a long time. He was also introduced at a young age, and had fought against it for years unsuccessfully. It was so difficult to hear this from him. By the grace of God I was able to forgive him, but that did not remove the hurt. I had so many questions and doubts. My confidence really took a hit knowing he was looking at and thinking about other women in that way. There is hope though! My boyfriend has been "clean" for nearly a year and a half. That does not mean this journey has been easy for us. He still feels guilty, and there are still days he struggles with temptation. There are still times I feel insecure, and struggle to remove doubts from my mind. God is good though, and has proven Himself faithful in even this.
Every couple's journey through this is different, but I can give you some suggestions from my experience. First, I would check out these resources and see if you think any of them might help your boyfriend. There are tools to block certain web searches, but even more importantly there are articles that help address the heart of the matter. I hope something here can help you two!
My boyfriend had me write out a little message on an index card for him to keep with his laptop. I just wrote a simple message about how I believed in him and loved him. He said this was a helpful reminder when he would struggle with temptation.
Another thing that has helped both of us is having open and honest conversation. He let me ask him questions about his addiction, and gave me straight answers. I let him ask me how all of this made me feel, and I did my best to be vulnerable in sharing. We both confessed ways we have sinned sexually, and therefore hurt one another. Neither of us have had sex, and I have not struggled with pornography, but there are other ways to sin sexually and we shouldn't take that lightly. This allowed space for more forgiveness and grace. I don't know if the timing is right for you to have these conversations since your relationship is so new. Its up to you two and your comfortability.
Please message me if you want to share your heartbreak with someone. I would be happy to walk you through this journey. I wish you and your boyfriend the best! I will be praying for you.
 
J

JackieJ

Junior Member
#4
Aug 29, 2017
7
0
0
#4
You have shared so much and have been through so much in your relationship life. Breakups are difficult when you have bonded deeply with another person. You sound like you have a great deal of insight into what may or may not work in relationships and it sounds like you would like to build a healthy long-term relationship. Have you read anything about the success of “live-in” relationships? You may be surprised to find out what research shows about “live-in” relationships.
Your experience with depression could be the start of a journey towards becoming a healthier person. This may lead you to attract healthier men and I encourage you to continue that journey. Some single people have found the book, “Boundaries in Dating”, to be a helpful tool when navigating the dating world. You are still very young and have plenty of time to find that special person.
 
Conversationand

Conversationand

Senior Member
#5
Jun 24, 2017
368
20
0
#5
As with many things in a persons life, it's not your job to save him. While you should show him the love of Christ, his porn use should be a flag, not an invitation to lean in. You can't fight or win that battle for him and his failure to stop is in no way a reflection on you, or any other person other than himself. He should be going to Christ and to those who have experience in overcoming that struggle through Christ. In short there's really nothing you can do except pray and direct him towards God. And you might already know this, but there's no way in which you can give yourself to him that will stop his usage. I wanted to make a point of that because I know some women have mistakenly gone down that path.
 
B

bigjohn

Guest
#6
#6
ok , advice from an old geezer. talk with your grand mother,, aunt,,someone with some years on them. they probably actually lived through what your going through right now. they can give you real world advice from living through it . times change,,,but people really do not. we still want the same things they wanted in the year 10 a.d.
 
GOP

GOP

Senior Member
#7
Jul 12, 2015
1,668
91
48
#7
forgiveandforget said:
Hello all! I'm quite new to this site so please bear with me. :)
I'm here seeking any help, advice, or fresh perspective about a current situation. I am in a new relationship with a great guy. We met a while back during a pretty rough time for the both of us due to both getting out of toxic relationships. We became fast friends and were there for each other during the hard times. After taking time and making sure we both felt ready, we entered into a dating relationship that will be one month at the end of this month (August)! The problem is this: he has been in a good amount of harmful relationships in the past that have left deep scars on him. He got introduced to pornography at an early age and his past girlfriends did not handle the situation in a Godly manner that offered forgiveness and benefited him. He knows how dangerous this sin is and he truly wants to overcome it but keeps getting pulled back into it whenever he has negative emotions or isn't in the best mood. I let him know that I'm here for him and try to encourage him and remind him that God is forgiving and that he has to keep fighting. Although I have never been in this situation, I am doing my best to help and it really affects me a lot, I've struggled with anxiety and insecurity for the past two years, and it is only increasing. I feel distant from him and unable to help. I love him dearly and don't want to end the relationship because I believe that God can heal and restore his heart. This isn't a daily occurrence, but it is starting to happen more often now and I just don't know what to do. I would love to hear what anyone thinks of this and if any girls have been through this at well.
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Peace be with you in JESUS' NAME.

Take him to your Pastor or the elders in your Church, let them lay their hands on him and pray for him, and that spirit of pornography will be cast out in JESUS' NAME. or You can do it yourself if you truly believe in GOD. For it is written, nothing shall be impossible to him who believe. Lay your hands on him and command that spirit of pornography to come of him in JESUS' NAME, But if you doubt don't try it.
 
marielleloves

marielleloves

Junior Member
#8
Mar 30, 2017
1
0
1
#8
Conversationand said:
As with many things in a persons life, it's not your job to save him. While you should show him the love of Christ, his porn use should be a flag, not an invitation to lean in. You can't fight or win that battle for him and his failure to stop is in no way a reflection on you, or any other person other than himself. He should be going to Christ and to those who have experience in overcoming that struggle through Christ. In short there's really nothing you can do except pray and direct him towards God. And you might already know this, but there's no way in which you can give yourself to him that will stop his usage. I wanted to make a point of that because I know some women have mistakenly gone down that path.
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I agree. God is the only one who can change a person. Before I was saved I went to an amazing church filled with great people. Did they save me? No. Did it help? It helped to know that there were great people out there, but it didn't stop me from living my selfish ways. Once I finally begged God to help me and be there for me, that's when my life changed, and I did too.
 
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