A post on a break up.

[ck12]

This is less of a silly post, and something really important to me. I don't want to come across as whiny and needy, but I'm really at a loss of what to do.

The past few weeks, I moved home from university overseas. It was so tough, and I was battling anxiety and depression, period problems and just job issues. I cried out to God but I felt like he was so far away. I tried to lean on him, but I felt like he was impossible to reach. Then.. I started reading the bible, things clicked and one by one these issues, by God's grace, were settled. I kept submitting everything, even my relationship.

However, this is the thing that sucks. My boyfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me. Yesterday. He said he didn't love me anymore. He said he didn't believe in God anymore. He said he couldnt take it anymore. I tried sharing the things in my life that changed, but it didnt seem to be an encouragement to him, it seemed to wave past him.

To provide some background, this is what its been like... I can blame my anxiety and depression, and all the problems I've had, but I did treat him rather terribly, to the tenth degree. Taking responsibility is not enough to make up for it. Things have been difficult for years, we fight a lot, and we threaten to break up, but always end up back. However, this time its different, this time, he wants to cut ties, he doesnt want to talk he doesnt even want to see me, because face to face makes it hard for him to break up with me. The past few weeks, I've been trying to improve the way I am, the way I've been. Its really hard, but I've improved a little. Somewhere along the way, I slip back and I say things that has an undertone of spite.

I want to leave and submit it to God, but I also want to fight for this relationship because I know he is the person I want to be with. He even moved over to my country. Its only been two months. I cannot believe our relationship ended the way it did, and in the manner it has been. I've been advised to maintain contact, I've been advised to leave him be for a while. Yet, I'm afraid maintaining would annoy him, and leaving him be would allow distance to form. I love him. I don't deserve him, but I want to become the person that does.

I can't function but I've been functioning. I really just am not sure what to do.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Sounds like you BOTH have changed. You mention that he is who YOU want to be with, but is he the one who GOD wants you to be with? The answer to that seems like a big fat NO..

He has told you he doesn't want to be with you, and doesn't love you anymore. So leave him alone, let the relationship end, and seek God's will on this matter..

 

[ck12]

Sorry but the way you come off is really hurtful. I'm going through something and trials arent easy to just snap my fingers and go oh okay. I was seeking support and encouragement from anyone who's been through a rough patch. I don't know where you're coming from, but I don't think you KNOW what God is saying either.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I'm only re-iterating things that YOU have already said.. And I never said that I KNOW what God is saying.. What I said was, is this guy who GOD wants you to be with? From all that he has told you, it seems kind of obvious that God may not want you with him for now.. I mean, there's gotta be a reason why he doesn't believe in God anymore. He's probably going through some stuff of his own, that he doesn't want you included in.. And believe me, I've been where you are, more times than I care to remember.. And I never said "just snap your fingers and go okay"..

It will take time, but if you're truly honest on leaving this to God, then do it. Leave this guy alone, back away and let God take over.

Sorry but the way you come off is really hurtful. I'm going through something and trials arent easy to just snap my fingers and go oh okay. I was seeking support and encouragement from anyone who's been through a rough patch. I don't know where you're coming from, but I don't think you KNOW what God is saying either.

 

[ck12]

You said "... is he the one who GOD wants you to be with? The answer to that seems like a big fat NO.. "

I'm sorry, this is more discouragement than I can handle. For someone who's been through this more times than you care for, I don't sense any compassion. I suppose you've been there and done that many times so the pain seems further away then you can remember. As much as I comprehend tough love, I am sorry that this is really not the time. These are fresh wounds and hurts. And I fully trust God, but we all know following Christ doesn't mean its easy. As much as I want it to just let go.

The process of leaving it to God is not easy in this situation. I am struggling. Perhaps its a test of true reliance. Either way, your words cut. One pit in my chest is more than I can handle, even if it seems trivial to you.

 

[WineRose]

Ohhhhh...what do we have here? Another Singaporean CC user like myself? Yaaaaaaa~

Honestly, I know nothing about how to deal with your situation. I just noticed that you were new, so welcome to CC!

 

[Tommy379]

You said "... is he the one who GOD wants you to be with? The answer to that seems like a big fat NO.. "

I'm sorry, this is more discouragement than I can handle. For someone who's been through this more times than you care for, I don't sense any compassion. I suppose you've been there and done that many times so the pain seems further away then you can remember. As much as I comprehend tough love, I am sorry that this is really not the time. These are fresh wounds and hurts. And I fully trust God, but we all know following Christ doesn't mean its easy. As much as I want it to just let go.

The process of leaving it to God is not easy in this situation. I am struggling. Perhaps its a test of true reliance. Either way, your words cut. One pit in my chest is more than I can handle, even if it seems trivial to you.

I find that I rarely agree with the blue lady, but if God wanted you to be with this guy, you would be. That's how powerful God is. And No is still an answer. Maybe not the one you want, but still an answer.

 

[blue_ladybug]

"Seems like" doesn't translate into "I know".. And I'm actually not giving tough love.. YOU said "I want to leave and submit it to God".. Those are YOUR words.. But yet, instead of submitting this relationship to Him, you are on here arguing with a person who has told you the same exact thing that you have already said: to leave the relationship and give it to God.. I know this hurts, believe me, I know. But there comes a time when you have to let go and let God take over. HE can either fix this, or give you something better. But you need to surrender this to Him COMPLETELY.

Love hurts, and no one knows that better than Jesus does. Of course this is a trial, we all have them. Difference is, the outcome depends on how well or badly we deal with our trials. If we try fixing them ourselves, we will fail. But if we hand them over to GOD, we WILL WIN. What I'm asking you to do is, let go of the relationship, give it to God, and seek His will on where to go from here..

You said "... is he the one who GOD wants you to be with? The answer to that seems like a big fat NO.. "

I'm sorry, this is more discouragement than I can handle. For someone who's been through this more times than you care for, I don't sense any compassion. I suppose you've been there and done that many times so the pain seems further away then you can remember. As much as I comprehend tough love, I am sorry that this is really not the time. These are fresh wounds and hurts. And I fully trust God, but we all know following Christ doesn't mean its easy. As much as I want it to just let go.

The process of leaving it to God is not easy in this situation. I am struggling. Perhaps its a test of true reliance. Either way, your words cut. One pit in my chest is more than I can handle, even if it seems trivial to you.

 

[ck12]

I'm not trying to argue. I'm just saying, I'm not seeking God's answers on a forum, I am looking for support. So far I've only heard people telling me what God's answers are or speculating what it could be from their on logical deduction.

Understanding and doing is two different things. I believe that God is bigger than my problems, but I am struggling to surrender. I've come to understand that leaving everything to God is always better, but at this point just because I know that, doesn't mean its easy. That's why I came to this forum, to seek encouragement.

Telling me if God wanted it to work out, it would, is the opposite of doing your best, and leave the rest to God. I believe God is consistent in His principles. Where I am coming from, is a need for encouragement, not answers. I'm not here to argue, I am heartbroken enough.

But thank you for reminding me that our ways are not God's ways.

 

[blue_ladybug]

God gives us 3 answers. They are Yes, No, and Not Yet.. We may not like the answer He gives us, but we have to accept it and realize that Father really does know best.. In all honesty, you can't do any more with this relationship, and THAT is precisely why you need to trust God enough to step back, and let Him take over. You've said that you've been told by others to try and keep contact with this guy, while others have told you to leave him alone. Yet you seem hesitant to take any of the advice you've been offered, either here or elsewhere.. You have no choice in this anymore, your ONLY option is giving it to God.. IF He doesn't want you with this guy, then I can guarantee He WILL introduce you to something better.

I'm not trying to argue. I'm just saying, I'm not seeking God's answers on a forum, I am looking for support. So far I've only heard people telling me what God's answers are or speculating what it could be from their on logical deduction.

Understanding and doing is two different things. I believe that God is bigger than my problems, but I am struggling to surrender. I've come to understand that leaving everything to God is always better, but at this point just because I know that, doesn't mean its easy. That's why I came to this forum, to seek encouragement.

Telling me if God wanted it to work out, it would, is the opposite of doing your best, and leave the rest to God. I believe God is consistent in His principles. Where I am coming from, is a need for encouragement, not answers. I'm not here to argue, I am heartbroken enough.

But thank you for reminding me that our ways are not God's ways.

 

[ck12]

A large part of me feels like its very much my fault why the relationship broke down.
Its like... if it were a friend, and I am the one who done many wrong things to him or her, would I leave it be?
I feel like for all the sinful things I have done, there is some penance needed that comes with repentance.
By that I mean, just because I am repentful, doesn't mean my sin did not hurt some one, and just because God has forgiven me, doesn't mean I rid all responsibility of my wrongdoing towards a person. Do I make sense?

Yes I need to step back, but HOW? What active steps did you take?
More than just words, what are some advisable actions I can take to step back?

 

[Ugly]

You said "... is he the one who GOD wants you to be with? The answer to that seems like a big fat NO.. "

I'm sorry, this is more discouragement than I can handle. For someone who's been through this more times than you care for, I don't sense any compassion. I suppose you've been there and done that many times so the pain seems further away then you can remember. As much as I comprehend tough love, I am sorry that this is really not the time. These are fresh wounds and hurts. And I fully trust God, but we all know following Christ doesn't mean its easy. As much as I want it to just let go.

The process of leaving it to God is not easy in this situation. I am struggling. Perhaps its a test of true reliance. Either way, your words cut. One pit in my chest is more than I can handle, even if it seems trivial to you.

So you came here to be told what you want to hear, not honest feedback. Someone asks you if you are seeking God's will or your own and you level that as mean? That's an honest answer.

Giving honest answers to you is a waste of time until you are willing to hear truth rather than what you want. But here's truth. Think I'm mean. That's fine. It doesn't change the facts.

You've mistreated him for years.
He doesn't want you anymore.
He doesn't want God anymore.
You want to grow in God and get someone that doesn't want you, or God, to get back together with you.

Until you set aside your wants and see the situation for what it really is you will continue to suffer. There is strength and wisdom in learning to accept what you see in front of you. It is not strong or wise to chase after people that don't want you or to ignore the facts or ignore what God may be saying to you.

It's genuinely wonderful you've grown so much spiritually, but you are still immature in other areas.

As far as not knowing what God wants? I know what He doesn't want. He doesn't want you desperately clinging to emotional ties with people that reject Him, and you, from a relationship that has been doomed to failure for three years.

By the way, I was once in a relationship where I was dumped and chased after them. The result? Pain. Brokenness. Depression. So take consider my words carefully, I've been through this situation, and life, enough to know what I'm saying. Honesty isn't always pleasant or easy to hear. Sometimes we have to hear and acknowledge painful truths to grow. I've learned that less more times than I can count.

 

[ck12]

So you came here to be told what you want to hear, not honest feedback. Someone asks you if you are seeking God's will or your own and you level that as mean? That's an honest answer.

Giving honest answers to you is a waste of time until you are willing to hear truth rather than what you want. But here's truth. Think I'm mean. That's fine. It doesn't change the facts.

You've mistreated him for years.
He doesn't want you anymore.
He doesn't want God anymore.
You want to grow in God and get someone that doesn't want you, or God, to get back together with you.

Until you set aside your wants and see the situation for what it really is you will continue to suffer. There is strength and wisdom in learning to accept what you see in front of you. It is not strong or wise to chase after people that don't want you or to ignore the facts or ignore what God may be saying to you.

It's genuinely wonderful you've grown so much spiritually, but you are still immature in other areas.

As far as not knowing what God wants? I know what He doesn't want. He doesn't want you desperately clinging to emotional ties with people that reject Him, and you, from a relationship that has been doomed to failure for three years.

By the way, I was once in a relationship where I was dumped and chased after them. The result? Pain. Brokenness. Depression. So take consider my words carefully, I've been through this situation, and life, enough to know what I'm saying. Honesty isn't always pleasant or easy to hear. Sometimes we have to hear and acknowledge painful truths to grow. I've learned that less more times than I can count.

I CAME HERE FOR SUPPORT. That is all. I came here for advise on how to carry on. How to function. How to lean on God. I did not come for answers because I trust God will provide it.

And yes, I have been in similar situations. TWICE.
What you know is only an aspect of the situation, hence I am not asking for opinions on the facts I presented, I am devastated so everything I paint is bleak right now. The facts are FLAT.

I don't understand how everyone can read my pleas for support as a point for judgment on my faith. I am literally yelling out in this forum that I am struggling. But what I get is judgment for not trusting God enough, not truly leaving it to God, not wanting to face the hard truth and that I am calling people are mean? I was discouraged at first by Bluelady's original tone.

Struggles are THAT, STRUGGLES. We know the truth but struggle to hold fast. Telling someone the truth and the honest truth is just that, TELLING. It just feels like people enjoy going around telling people the "hard truth" without any desire to support.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Sweetie, you have your issues, and this guy obviously has some issues of his own. So it's not entirely YOUR fault that the relationship is in tatters now.. Both sides have contributed. I've been through my share of trials, everyone here has been. Relationships are especially hard to deal with because there are so many feelings and emotions involved.. God brings people into our lives to make them better, or possibly worse, and to teach us lessons through those bad times..

Here are some advisable actions you can take to step back from this relationship.

1. Realize that this guy probably isn't right for you. You're a Christian, but he no longer believes in God, so now you are unequally yoked to an unbeliever. God says not to be unequally yoked.

2. Realize that it's not all your fault that this happened. It sucks but it very well could be God's will for you right now.

3. Accept God's answer as best you can. You don't have to like it, but you DO need to accept it and realize that He WILL bring you something much better.

4. Respect the boyfriend's wishes for you to leave him alone. Otherwise, you'll just drive him further away..

5. Realize that this guy will NEVER love you as much as God does.


I ended up torturing myself by reading old love letters and looking at my ex's picture all the time. I wallowed in how badly he had treated me. Then I begged God to take him out of my heart and mind. God led me to throw out all his letters, and burn his pictures. So that's exactly what I did. That was over 10 years ago and I haven't thought about him ever since then. He was the same jerk to all his girlfriends, both before and after me. I realized that I was better off without him, and I asked God to take over.

His answer to me was extreme. It's not that way for everyone. Maybe God doesn't want you with this guy, so that you can work on your own problems without an unbeliever getting in your way. Or, maybe God doesn't want this guy with you, for the same reason, because this guy has BIG problems since he no longer believes in God. Neither one of you can solve each other's problems, but GOD CAN.

So step back and let Him work on each of you.. Just take it a minute at a time and trust that God knows what's best for you.

A large part of me feels like its very much my fault why the relationship broke down.
Its like... if it were a friend, and I am the one who done many wrong things to him or her, would I leave it be?
I feel like for all the sinful things I have done, there is some penance needed that comes with repentance.
By that I mean, just because I am repentful, doesn't mean my sin did not hurt some one, and just because God has forgiven me, doesn't mean I rid all responsibility of my wrongdoing towards a person. Do I make sense?

Yes I need to step back, but HOW? What active steps did you take?
More than just words, what are some advisable actions I can take to step back?

 

[ck12]

Thank you... I really appreciate your sharing and advising.

I think many people are focusing a lot on the fact that he's an unbeliever.
I just want to clarify that I'm just reiterating what he texted.
I dont know if that is out of anger, or frustration the way some people go
"I dont want to believe in a God who...."

Sorry if I seem defensive, dont intend to.

 

[blue_ladybug]

CK, you came here for support. Yes, you did, and you ARE receiving support. You've been told how to lean on God. You've been told what you need to do. I don't know what else you expect us to say. My original tone was just fine, I told you to leave it to God, and you called me unsupportive and hurtful.

Anyhoo, we know you're struggling. Ugly's been through it, so have I, so has everyone here. So we know how the struggle feels. You say you want to be told the honest truth, and we've told you the honest truth. But it seems that you don't want to accept the truth, even though you know you need to. You CANNOT struggle to hold onto this relationship. Or you will only cause yourself more unnecessary heartbreak.. No one here is judging you, we're trying to help you. But you're just defeating yourself by not taking the sound advice offered here.

I CAME HERE FOR SUPPORT. That is all. I came here for advise on how to carry on. How to function. How to lean on God. I did not come for answers because I trust God will provide it.

And yes, I have been in similar situations. TWICE.
What you know is only an aspect of the situation, hence I am not asking for opinions on the facts I presented, I am devastated so everything I paint is bleak right now. The facts are FLAT.

I don't understand how everyone can read my pleas for support as a point for judgment on my faith. I am literally yelling out in this forum that I am struggling. But what I get is judgment for not trusting God enough, not truly leaving it to God, not wanting to face the hard truth and that I am calling people are mean? I was discouraged at first by Bluelady's original tone.

Struggles are THAT, STRUGGLES. We know the truth but struggle to hold fast. Telling someone the truth and the honest truth is just that, TELLING. It just feels like people enjoy going around telling people the "hard truth" without any desire to support.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Sweetie, a big part of why this relationship wouldn't work out, is because he IS an unbeliever. Christians are not to be unequally yoked to unbelievers. For whatever reason, that only this guy and God knows, he has chosen to stop believing in God. He has also chosen not to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. He may be going through a crisis of his own, and only God can fix that. It's dang hard to let go, but you need to. For your sake, and for his, and so that God can step in and do His job.

Thank you... I really appreciate your sharing and advising.

I think many people are focusing a lot on the fact that he's an unbeliever.
I just want to clarify that I'm just reiterating what he texted.
I dont know if that is out of anger, or frustration the way some people go
"I dont want to believe in a God who...."

Sorry if I seem defensive, dont intend to.

 

[LookingtoZion]

ck12, sorry to hear your struggles. The best encouragement and support I can give is to say that God loves you so much more than you can imagine. He cares for you and He knows the plans He has for you. No one knows, not me, not you, or anyone on this forum, if this is the person God wants you to spend your life with. I don't like the unknown. I get panic attacks when I don't know what the outcome of a situation is going to be. The best way for me to deal with this is just to immerse myself in Scripture. Here are some of my favorites: Psalm 138:3 In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul. Also, Psalm 3:3-5; Isaiah 58:8b-9; Psalm 4:1-3; 2 Samuel 22:7; Psalm 71:3; I Corinthians 2:5; I Samuel 30:6b; Jeremiah 20:11. Sending you hugs and prayers.

 

[CherieR]

I would encourage you to speak to God about this. Pour out your heart before him. We are encouraged to do this in Scripture. Say something like this to God: I give these worries to you or I entrust this into your hands. If you need to forgive him, say aloud I forgive him and pray for him, but don't make prayer an obsession. I have done that and it does not bring joy like genuine prayer does.

And whatever you do, please don't isolate yourself. Surround yourself with the people who love and care about you. Don't just seek support online. That is good to talk to people online about it, they can give you good advice, but it is much better to be with people in person.

Ask for prayer yourself both in person and online if you want and you can put in a prayer request for him here to receive Jesus as Savior. You don't have to mention everything there. You could say pray for my emotional healing and pray for this person. If you need to cry, don't hold it in. Tears help heal wounds and so does time. I have not been in a relationship issue like this, but these are just my thoughts. I think bluelady bug has good advice. Listen to her. I will pray for your healing.

 

[j2415p44]

Hi CK12, I’m so sorry to hear your struggles. Welcome to this group!

Years back, I had a relationship and we were both non-Christians. I had to break up with him because of another woman. I can truly say that break ups are never easy. It was really painful. I told God, I didn’t want another relationship for a while because I wanted to heal first and help my family. After 2 years, I met a man who led me to the Lord. He’s a Christian, he talked to me about Jesus, and I became a Christian including my whole family. That man now is my husband for 21 years. What I’m saying is, it’s true that God’s ways is not our ways. His plans for us is to prosper us and not harm us. I would like to encourage you to trust God that He is working in your behalf. Maybe this break up is only temporary and you can bring your ex-boyfriend to the Lord just like what happened to me. I know it’s easier said than done, but based on my experience, all we have to do is lay them down to God and He will give us peace that surpasses all understanding when we completely trust Him.

I will be praying for you that you will find peace and comfort in Him. Update us please.