Frustrated with my boyfriend's temper, how do I confront him?

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
Jul 24, 2010
829
7
0
35
#1
Let me start by saying my boyfriend is not abusive. He never lays a hand on me, calls me names, harasses me, or does anything of the sort (because of the title of the thread I felt I should clarify that immediately so people don't assume the wrong idea lol).

I grew up with a dad who ran on a short fuse, and it didn't take much for him to snap and start shouting and hollering at my sister and I whenever we did something to irritate him. Because of that I have a very low tolerance for a bad temper because I grew up with one. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and I love him, but his temper whenever it goes off frustrates me so much. It doesn't happen often, but when it happens there's no build up, he's just instantly shouting angrily, like my dad, and it's always over things that in my opinion don't matter much. A perfect example is an incident that happened this evening. We got food at Taco Bell, he asked for no sour cream on his food. We got back to his place, he opens his bad, sour cream is on all his foods. He starts shouting and hollering all angry, tearing his coat off the hook and slamming it on as he threw everything back in the bag and stomped back to the car to drive back and demand new food.

I can understand being frustrated over your food getting screwed up, it's annoying, but it didn't warrant that response. It looked like a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum. We never fight, ever. We've never had anything we've disagreed on enough that led us into an argument. So whenever he snaps, which again isn't often, it's never at me, it's always over something else and that something else is usually too little to justify his reaction.

I don't know how to talk to him about it. I love him, and I've mentioned a few times that I wished he would think before flipping out, especially over the little things, but I feel I really need to sit down and talk to him about it but I don't know what to say. I can accept all his other flaws because they don't matter but this one thing always gets me so angry when it happens especially over something little because it reminds me too much of my dad and his ridiculous temper and how that pretty much built a permanent wall in our relationship as father/daughter. Any advice on how to approach my boyfriend on this? I want to be loving in my approach and try to be understanding, but at the same time I want to let him know how much it really bothers me without hurting his feelings. Any advice?

...and I just realized the irony of posting this when my avatar is of The Joker and Harley Quinn... a far less than healthy couple lol.
 
A

ASK

Guest
#2
You have the right idea, it sounds like you're truly searching for support. Approach him calmly, and tell him exactly how you feel. Print off what you wrote there. It's unfair to the both of you if you leave it unresolved.

He won't know how bad it's affecting you, and you'll continue to become more upset on the issue. It's for the best. Say a prayer, and handle this before it becomes a real problem.

Good luck!

---I would also like to add that people, when trying to be gentle, unintentionally make it seem as if it is not as big of a deal as it truly is. Be calm, show that you care, however at the same time you MUST make sure he understands you need this to end.
Also, this is something that needs to be worked at. You can't just expect him to change in an instant.
 
Last edited:
Jul 24, 2010
829
7
0
35
#3
Yeah well having battled with anger issues myself (my dad unfortunately passed on his short fuse to me), I know it's something that needs work, and it took me forever to figure out how to think first, then react. I don't expect him to change it instantly, it would just be nice to see him try to tone down this habit.
 
A

ASK

Guest
#4
Use that when talking to him! :) That can work in your advantage in two ways. Sometimes when people point out others flaws the person can feel hurt, and alienated. Letting him know you have been there could alieviate this. Also, you know what it's like, so you can help him through it.

Lemme know how it works out, I'll be praying for the both of you!
 
Jun 20, 2010
401
1
0
35
#5
Instead of saying "you wish he'd think before flipping out"
say
"When people shout, it makes me feel like they don't care I'm even there"
"I'm sorry X happened (before he has a chance to complain), do you think they'd do better in future if we told them?/ worth complaining to them?"
Make passing comments about how you like it when you see him caring about important things (when he does)

Some people need that emotional push
 
Jul 24, 2010
829
7
0
35
#6
Well, a few days ago he was on the phone with someone, and when he talks on the phone his voice tends to get louder and louder to the point of almost shouting. I waited till the conversation was over then jokingly told him, "You got kinda loud there, hehehe." He got upset and flipped out on himself for getting loud, then said he'd wished I'd said something rather than just sit there and let it annoy me. I was raised to not interrupt so I never interrupt phone conversations unless I absolutely have to, it just feels rude to me to do otherwise. Last night, he was on the phone with his mother this time, and again his voice hit a very loud level and I waited till he was looking in my direction, even smiled politely, and gestured with my hand to lower his voice a little. He shot up from his seat, slammed his chair back in rather than just pushing it back in, and stormed out of the room to finish the call.

I waited till he returned then said, "You're mad when I don't say something, you're mad when I do say something, what am I supposed to do?" I could tell his temper was starting up so I waited for him to calm down then said, "Honey I love you but I hate your temper." I tried to talk to him about it but instead I got a condescending pat on the head with a, "Honey, this is nothing compared to how I used to be." Apparently, and I've heard the stories from his mom and brother, his temper was a million times worse when he was younger and he has been able to harness it in a lot over the years. I appreciate that, but he has never ever acted that condescendingly towards me and just outright dismissed me before. Seriously, that's as far as the conversation got because I didn't know how to respond to that and he turned around and worked on homework. It's like he has an attitude of, "I've come a long way from where I was and if you knew how it used to be you wouldn't complain about how it is now."

I know I need to try again and tell him how I feel but I'm afraid he's going to dismiss me again... mostly because I don't know why on earth he dismissed me the first time. Whenever we have a problem we always work it out, and no matter what's bothering me he's always open to hearing it and discussing it with me, as well as the other way around. I don't know why he acted the way he did, and I'm worried that I might not get through to him that his behavior is unacceptable. I need prayers and advice. You'd think I'd know how to approach someone about a bad temper since I struggle with one myself, but I'm seriously making no progress here it feels like. Only positive thing I can say has happened since this became an issue is it's caused me to keep a closer eye on my own temper so I don't look like a hippocrite when I try to talk to him.
 
G

Great4ever

Guest
#7
Try this little secret, slip a written note into pocket which reads "sweet love God is love and he responds with love toward irritable issues. Overcome anger you can.love you forever". And try to set this in his cell phone's reminder alarm with same words. You must fight or quit.love you.
 
Jul 24, 2010
829
7
0
35
#8
Well shortly after posting the update he noticed I looked sad about something so we sat down and had a serious talk about things. I think I've finally gotten through because unlike last time he listened and didn't just dismiss me. Relieved and hoping things improve.