Just Need Some Encouragement :)

[eelhsa]

I've had a particularly rough evening, so I just wanted to seek some advice and encouragement from other Christians. I'll share what happened tonight, though it really involves pretty much my whole life.

Tonight I had a huge argument with my dad, the kind where he was yelling at me, and at one point he even got right in my face. It may sound silly, but this time it was about our chickens. (We've had many arguments over the years, they're usually about day to day things, and me getting them done the way he wants.) This time it was about the hens and how they've been pecking at the eggs, breaking them and then eating them. He wanted to know if there was a way to stop them from doing this, but I was doubtful. Once they start it is pretty much impossible to get them to stop. He knows chickens as well as I do in any case...and if there's one thing chickens love to do, it's peck at things. If there is anything different in the pen, they will peck at it.

So, anyway, he told me to go online and search for possible solutions, and he was very upset and started swearing and telling me that he's not paying for feed and spending time fixing up the pen, just to have hens who eat the eggs so we don't get them. Now, he has spent a lot of time fixing up the pen, and he built it to begin with, I understand that, but I'm still so tired of taking the weight of issues like this. Those hens are his and my mom's (aside from a few birds that belong to me and are older). They decided to get the chickens this summer, when I wasn't even here. And most importantly NO ANIMAL ever comes here without my dad's permission.

The birds have always been my responsibility, because I've been very interested and involved with them for years now. Also, since I have had to move back after losing my job, I contribute by taking care of the birds and doing work around the house. And I love the chickens and ducks, so I don't mind caring for them. What I do mind is when there is an issue or a problem, it seems to be my fault in some way. He was extremely irritated when I went out to the garage to change my boots and go put the birds in for the night, and it quickly escalated into a massive fight.

Then he said, if the egg problem continues, he is going up there and killing every single bird. (Including mine of course). I just felt that he was giving me an ultimatum...fix the problem or the birds are dead. What am I supposed to do? I can't change the nature of the chickens, that's how they are. He knows I love my birds, and sometimes I feel as though he almost enjoys making these kinds of threats, if only to remind me that he is still the decision maker not me. That sounds horrible, I know...but at times like this, that's how I feel anyway.

This kind of thing has happened before, so I sometimes just wish there were no more birds up there for things to go wrong with. I told him I am going to find a home for mine and then I'm done...but this just made him more upset. He started screaming at me that the other birds would still be my responsibility. And as he has before, he yelled that since I live under their roof I have NO choice AT ALL. If they tell me to do something, I WILL DO IT. But that's already what I do, everyday. My mom sometimes leaves me a list, sometimes just asks me to do things, and they expect it done, and it gets done. Today she left me a list, and even though I had things I needed to do, I did EVERY SINGLE thing she asked of me. Sometimes they both make it sound like I am ungrateful and lazy and never do anything to help.

I never wanted to be here. When I finished college, (I have a degree), I had a job lined up, but it fell through. On top of the economic troubles everyone is facing, this town is going through a lot of issues of its own, and it is very hard to find work here.

I have also been dealing with an anxiety disorder. (I have seen a counselor, my doctor, and a psychologist, and I am on medication as well. I have truly sought help with this, and while I have made so much progress...I still struggle with it every day. Living here doesn't help, obviously. So, the anxiety along with the financial situation is why I'm still here with my parents.

So, when my dad was yelling at me that since I live here I have no choice but to do as I'm told, I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated and replied that I would leave. Of course that was a stupid thing to say, how can I leave with no money and no place to go? He knows that, so he retorted that sometimes I can be so immature, and that I really need to grow up.

I had one thing left to do on my list for my mom, which was peel potatoes, so after going up to the barn to take care of the birds, I went in the house to do that. I put them all in a pot and put it on low heat because my mom was just getting home and my dad was also in the kitchen and I honestly couldn't stand being up there another minute with him. I was feeling VERY anxious. I figured my mom would turn the potatoes up when she got in, and I didn't want them to boil over since I knew that would be just one more thing for my dad to yell at me about. So, I went downstairs.

After my mom had been home for a bit, my dad started telling her about the chickens and my behaviour. I could hear his voice getting louder and more upset. Everytime that happens I feel almost sick with anxiety.And I am always wrong, and he is always right. I still haven't talked to my mom since she got home 2 hours ago, because I know she likely blames me for how upset my dad is. That's always how it has been, she may want to take our side, but when all is said and done, she has to side with my dad, because he gets so angry. I need to eat, but I don't want to go upstairs and get yelled at again.

Anyway, while he was up there getting upset again and talking with my mom about what had happened earlier...he got up and went into the kitchen and noticed that the potatoes were still on low heat. He became very upset again and I could hear every word he said. He started slamming stuff around, I couldn't tell what...but it sounded like pots and pans...and saying that at the rate the potatoes were cooking they wouldn't be ready for hours. Then he said, "I should have checked them," as if to imply that I am irresponsible and undependable.

I don't know what to do. I always do my best to make them happy, and while I am not perfect and sometimes don't have the best attitude, I do help out here. They have NEVER had to worry about me doing irresponsible and harmful things. I have ALWAYS tried to be a good daughter, one they can be proud of. But, I don't understand how he still thinks I'm immature and untrustworthy. I can't make them happy, and nothing I do is ever good enough.

We've had good times, don't get me wrong, and there is a lot about my father that I love and respect, but I've come to understand more and more that we will never be close. Oh, sometimes we even laugh and joke around, but for me there is always an uneasiness. I am always trying in some way to keep him in a good mood, because at times his mood can change very quickly.

Anyway, that's a bit about what happened. I realize the only solution is leaving, and I have continued to pray and look and apply for jobs, but nothing has come up so far.

Just feeling lonely and somewhat helpless tonight, so I wanted to get this out there. Maybe someone else has had or is having a similar experience. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read all this.

 

[mrpower]

Sister. I read it all but I don't have any practical advice other than to maybe let your dad read this post, or write him something yourself if you think the information displayed calmly, like you have above would be impact him at all... sounds like talking is out of the question right now.
Sorry my sister. That sounds like a hard situation. Praying

 

[eelhsa]

Thank you MrPower. I appreciate that you took the time to read it. Thank you for your prayers and support as well, it really does mean a lot.

I have written to my dad before, and I've also sat down and talked with him when there have been similar arguments, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I know that on some level I'm still the child (even though I'm not one obviously). I was raised to have respect for my parents and my elders, and he still expects that. It's just been very difficult wanting to be out on my own and having been independent already when I was away at college.

This morning I don't feel quite as anxious, but I do feel very tired and emotionally drained. I am continuing to pray as well. Thank you again for your encouragement.

 

[mrpower]

I'm glad you're feeling better this morning, sister

You're right though. Being independent then coming back and living with your parents is hard for anyone... it's easy to just slip back into the role of son or daughter even if your parents are not overbearing. My Dad is super chill, but I certainly wouldn't want to live with him again.

Ohh.. i was clicking around and found an idea that sounded cool for your egg dilemma!

"Very simple to cure, get yourself an egg, put a small hole in either end and blow out all the contents, leaving just the shell. Wash this out a few time and leave to dry.

After it has dried, get a syringe and fill it up with mustard, and fill the egg with it, so you have a "mustard egg" (make a few). Place this egg in the nest box where they lay. You egg eating hen will see this and start to peck at it, when it tastes the mustard it will stop. Repeat this for a week, and your hen will never peck eggs again."

It sounds cool.... though I have 0 expertise with chickens so I really have no idea.

 

[mrpower]

Most more I've read though talk about isolating the hen that's doing it though... still i like the sound of the above idea

 

[eelhsa]

That sounds like a really good idea. Thank you for sharing it, I will try that for sure. And thank again for all your help and support.

 

[Ugly]

Hi eelhsa
Lets be totally honest here. Your dad is a verbal abuser and a control freak. Two traits that often go hand in hand. Everything you said about his behavior is text book abuser. Understand this. You will never, ever make him happy. People like him often seem to seek out things to be upset about. And no matter how hard you try, or how good your intentions are, they will find your mistake, blow it out of proportion and try to punish you for your imperfection. And forget trying to show them their mistakes, as they are some of the worst blame shifters you will ever meet.
Abusers have a very bad history of ever changing. Consequence often brings change to people, but since abusers deny responsibility for anything, they don't recognize the consequences you try to put on them, instead they blame you.
If i were you i'd bust my butt looking for work, and the first chance you have to get out of there, move. Because basically you are an abuse victim at this point. Sorry things are this way for you. Perhaps put a post in the prayer forums to help find a job and to be able to move out soon.

 

[eelhsa]

Hi Ugly...haha, it doesn't sound right to address anyone that way.

Yes, I understand that there are things my dad has said and the way he's gone about them that could be considered verbally abusive. And I do agree with you that I need to move away from here. Actually, just today I have been blessed with a possible solution. God's timing may not always be ours of course, but I am thankful for this possible opportunity. I would be able to have a place rent free with utilities, internet and cable included, and in return I would be a supervisor of sorts for a small group, (no more than 4) youth who are transitioning out of the foster care system. I feel this is a real blessing because it involves the area of study I went into in college, which is Social Sciences. ( I have my B.A.) It could even lead to a full-time job somewhere down the road.

Anyway, I have a meeting with one of the program leaders tomorrow and I will be getting a tour of the building and apartment. I am trying not to get my hopes too high, but at the same time I know it is good to remain hopeful.

Thank you for all your support and for taking the time to read what I wrote.

~Ashlee

 

[Avidan]

Ashlee,

I read your post. Will you create a thread on the prayer board so we can pray for you and your family? You can link this post on your prayer thread so people can get an idea of the details. I agree that it's important to get out of that situation, you don't want to truly mess up around someone with that type of behavior (if it's already this bad about eggs and potatoes), whether it's your fault or not. I'm praying for all of you in the mean time.