i'm sorry. i was mad because a bunch of people in my life do that too often. haha. even if they only did it once a year it'd be too often. i know you weren't judging me leelee. it's just. you were seemingly missing what i was saying. trax's comment was the one i was most surprised over. His was the only one that (to me) warranted a rant. but even though it did, i should have bit my tongue. not everything deserves a response.
ok. let's see. in the spirit of no one's judging me for feeling unsatisfied.... lol.
Possibly, but I kinda meant that when I asked about being content that God has a plan even if you don't know it. I think everyone has regrets or what ifs but you can't let them rule you. I regret not working harder in school which would have allowed me to be a vet but I am happy being a nurse.
i guess what i'm referring to at this point in time is just a sense of purpose. that my life means something. it's not about what i know of God doing WITH my life, so to speak. in terms of 'if He has a plan but i don't know it' i just need a life that's not this one. i haven't lived yet. i'm 25 years old and i haven't lived yet. this isn't about regrets and what if's. this is about an emotional paralysis i have lived in my entire life. last night (before i came and vented to you guys) i was just crying to God about it. and I know that HE knows that I know that He knows that i can't live this way forever and i think He has something up His sleeve to set me free. i just. can't. see it yet. this is one giant limbo for me. this is not knowing. this is waiting. this is trying to believe that some day my life will be worth it.
i bet you're a great nurse. and i hope it gives you a feeling of worth and purpose as you help people from day to day. and that God gives you the strength to live and and greater joy that comes with doing His will in everything you accomplish.
I think she just wanted to know if you could still be happy if one day you realized that you might never be satisfied with your life.
i love how you're totally just singing to me. lol. i am amused. get skype
i guess. if my entire life went by. and Jesus returned. and i had nothing to show for myself. and i hadn't done ANYTHING with it. if i literally sat here for 15 years and did not accomplish anything at all. like a prisoner in a castle on a faraway hill. (have we all seen tangled? lol. i'm that princess lol) if my spirit was dwelling in God i would still manage to be 'ok' because heaven is gonna make this pile of whatever that we call earth look like nothin.
in a sense, it wouldn't matter too much. but in another way. it truly does. we will be held accountable for what we do with what we know, and the grace that has been allotted to us. we will answer to God for every idle word spoken and for what we did with our time and talents. and where we invested our hearts. i don't wanna have nothing to show for myself. in this life or the next. both count.
a person could spend 50 years as a vegetable in a wheelchair. and not 'accomplish' anything in their life in the earthly sense. but they have a spirit. they are spirit beings. it doesn't matter that they aren't doing anything because they can't move. they have to be taken care of 24/7. they are doing the best they can with what they have.
i don't think they are less of a person because they were overcome by something that made them paralyzed. i just think it's a sad way to live. their spirits CAN be very joyful in the Lord anyway. and they can 'do the best' with 'what they have been given'
it's just i don't wanna have nothing to show for myself. i don't wanna do nothing. it drive me crazy. and i don't yet know. how to live.
i think for me the thing is. PHYSICALLY, i'm not paralyzed. i should be able to do something with my life. but emotionally i AM that vegetable in that wheelchair and my entire life i've been trying to figure out why and deal with it anyway. i know what i'm saying right now might not make any sense. i'm saying it anyway. someday. i will be free of whatever keeps me in chains. someday i will do something with my life.
be it a job, a family, a missions field. anything. some day. there will be something on my list of things i have done with my life that will fill my earthly being with a sense of purpose and accomplishment. but all i'm saying right now is that i have not experienced that yet. i haven't found my destiny. i haven't lived.
at this point? i don't need to be understood. no one will likely ever fully understand me anyway. but i wanted to be heard i guess. and i felt like i wasn't. and i was in a bad mood last night about my life. i'm sorry i snapped at you guys.
<3
