Review This Poem I wrote please

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Johnxxxx

Johnxxxx

Banned
#1
Nov 28, 2011
69
1
0
30
#1
stop motion life
shudder and shutter click
fluctuating in fantastic phantasmagoria
blurry phantom glass eyed stare

the red eye of the demon
kodak canon candid Boehm eye
white flash-click-over expose

the foundation of my life
a powder floating off your face
make-up to make-out we me made up
I made you up, my lucid dream

shadow games, eye shadow
rogue rouge
blush and I lied, eyeline
Mascara masquerade

My fair lady, the timeless affair
fairly vain, vanity fair
worn sole; spirited away

soundtrack from handless ambidextrian
pianoforte calliope machine
tuneless banging in perfect precision

we are all living in a diamond
we are living in a dream
this scene will be cut from the theatrical version

(free verse in case you're curious)
 
B

Be_Evergreen

Guest
#2
#2
Poetry! Let's see now..

Johnxxxx said:
stop motion life
shudder and shutter click
fluctuating in fantastic phantasmagoria
blurry phantom glass eyed stare
Click to expand...
Had to look up "phantasmagoria", dunno who your audience is? The photography imagery makes me think those who are in the field, or fiddle with it. Otherwise, hit and miss with us "beginners" :p.

Johnxxxx said:
the red eye of the demon
kodak canon candid Boehm eye
white flash-click-over expose

the foundation of my life
a powder floating off your face
make-up to make-out we me made up
I made you up, my lucid dream
Click to expand...
Chilling, that last line, in the second stanza quoted...

Johnxxxx said:
shadow games, eye shadow
rogue rouge
blush and I lied, eyeline
Mascara masquerade

My fair lady, the timeless affair
fairly vain, vanity fair
worn sole; spirited away
Click to expand...
What we see, what we take in, what the camera takes in of a woman who masks herself, her essence.

"Spirited Away" is a really good movie, by the way...

Johnxxxx said:
soundtrack from handless ambidextrian
pianoforte calliope machine
tuneless banging in perfect precision

we are all living in a diamond
we are living in a dream
this scene will be cut from the theatrical version
Click to expand...
Yes, certainly this will resonate with the intellectual. Going from vision to sound, it's a very nice transition.

Free verse was a great choice to contain these thoughts. The frantic feel...
 
S

Sweetbird

Banned
#3
Feb 4, 2012
83
0
0
#3
Johnxxxx said:
stop motion life
shudder and shutter click
fluctuating in fantastic phantasmagoria
blurry phantom glass eyed stare

the red eye of the demon
kodak canon candid Boehm eye
white flash-click-over expose

the foundation of my life
a powder floating off your face
make-up to make-out we me made up
I made you up, my lucid dream

shadow games, eye shadow
rogue rouge
blush and I lied, eyeline
Mascara masquerade

My fair lady, the timeless affair
fairly vain, vanity fair
worn sole; spirited away

soundtrack from handless ambidextrian
pianoforte calliope machine
tuneless banging in perfect precision

we are all living in a diamond
we are living in a dream
this scene will be cut from the theatrical version

(free verse in case you're curious)
Click to expand...

LIKE
.........................
 
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