Not sure how to handle my bf's struggle with porn

[Wishingmylifeaway]

I'm hoping by writing all of this on here, and maybe even getting some advice or help or opinions in return, I'll start to feel normal in my relationship again.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, and were very good friends for 6 months before that. Both of us are taking it very seriously, and wouldn't be in a relationship if we didn't think it had the potential to lead to marriage; for that reason we're also very open about our lives.

Last night he admitted to me that he struggles with porn. He wanted to tell me, he didn't think it was fair that I didn't know. He told me that he has accountability set up with a group of people, that he wants to stop but finds it really difficult. I knew how hard it had been for him to tell me, it took a good half an hour of hugging in silence with him opening and shutting his mouth for him to actually say it, but now it's all I can think about.

A bit more background of our relationship would be useful at this point. I'm a new(ish) Christian. I grew up in a Christian family but left God and everything that went with him behind when I was around 14. It took until I was almost 21 to let myself be saved by him again, that was a year and a half ago now. My bf has been a Christian all of his adult(and teenage) life. Almost as soon as we met each other we became inseparable, but he had hang ups from an ex girlfriend that needed to be worked through. While friends, we didn't talk about the obvious attraction we had for each other, we just spent all our time together getting to know each other as people. I felt that I wanted to be my own self in God before committing to someone, and he felt that he should be sure he was ready to move on.
From getting together 6 months ago, our relationship has escalated dramatically. I knew he was important to me, that he was unlike any other guy I'd been interested in before, but I didn't realise just how quickly he'd become an integral part of my life.

I'd like to say now that there is a distinct lack in reading material on the do's and don'ts of Christian dating. I've trawled through the internet looking for any specific advice, such as what's okay to do intimacy wise (no info apart from 'don't have sex'). If you're engaged or married, there are entire websites dedicated to relieving your confusion; but if you're 'pre engagement' then you're pretty much in it alone.

So all of what I've said so far is pretty much giving you the outline, in order to possibly understand what I'm asking about, and what I'm struggling with. I've always felt like I'm the half of the couple with issues, I'm the one with skeletons in my closet and who's had to fight through many a difficult conversation, because I love him, and I want him to know who I really am. So when he sat me down and said he had something he needed to tell me, and that he wasn't sure how I'd feel about it, I was running through all sorts of scary things in my mind, but none of them seemed possible with him. He's such a good man of God, he's been a worship pastor at our church and is always the one to remind us to pray together or spend time with God together. The image of him sitting at his computer watching porn, and masturbating to it, just doesn't quite fit in my head. I've never (pre Christian) had any big problem with porn, and haven't thought about it much in the last year, so the way I felt when he told me surprised me. I felt hurt.
A non Christian guy choosing to watch it wouldn't bother me, but he knows that it's wrong and yet has such a big issue with it that he literally cannot resist. I've liked being able to think that if we do get married, I'll be his only sexual partner, his only sexual experience, it takes a massive expectations-based weight off me. But now I feel, and this is such a cliche, like I'll have to compete with 'porn-girls'; and only porn girls, because he has no experience of 'real girls' in that area.

I've chosen to be cool about it. I don't want him feeling judged, or feeling that he's hurt me, or feeling that he can't talk to me about it. I want to talk about it with him, and fight through some of the reasons behind why he finds it so difficult to resist, but I don't know what the right things to say are, or the right ways to bring it up. I'm just finding it so much more difficult than I expected, it's on my mind all the time. This is probably made worse by the fact that I have nobody I can talk about it with, because it wouldn't be fair on him if I told anyone else about it.

This hasn't changed how I feel about him, but it has made me panicky about the fact that he's a big believer in long engagements. The passion with which we already want each other isn't something I want to lose, but it's also not something I can handle on a daily basis for another 2+ years. I, in no way, want to rush making a commitment, but I do worry that 2 more years or so of us wanting to be together and not being able to, isn't going to help with the porn watching...

Has anyone got any advice or input or experience in this? I feel so alone with not being able to talk to anyone.
I have so much more I could say, and more I could ask, but this is already an essay.... Thank you so much for reading if you've managed to get through it all.

 

[Ugly]

Porn addiction is just like alcohol or drug addiction. It starts out as a coping mechanism, whether its for a lack in their emotional life, or maybe a strong sex drive, or both. But eventually it leads to being a part of their makeup. So, just like alcoholics, a porn addict is always a porn addict. He will have to spend the rest of his life on guard. You can get better, and have periods of freedom from it, but the temptation can always come back. It doesn't ever fully go away, unless God chooses to deliver someone.
Its good you are not judging or being hard on him. Assuming he is struggling with this, as in desires to quit, but can't seem to stop, chances are he is walking around with tons of guilt already. People putting him down or criticizing him will only increase his guilt, and make his addiction stronger. Now there is a balance between not being critical vs enabling.
A few things you can do, if he's willing, is to install blocking software on any computer he has access to. What this does is it helps prevent against accessing adult sites, and all the settings are password protected, so someone other than him will have to have the password. Another thing he may need is accountability to a specific person. I would suggest another male, preferably another male. You could serve as a secondary, if you wanted to be involved, but his primary accountability should be another man, ideally a man who has been through this already.
A good website to check out for me help and tips is XXXChurch.com

Far as 'how to act' before marriage. The reason there is not a lot of answers is that the bible does not discuss dating. Some people believe dating is not biblical at all. Some thinks its acceptable. I can tell you one thing, though. Whether 'dating' or 'engaged' does not change how your behavior should be. When it comes to how to behave physically etc there is only 'married' or 'not married'. Being engaged doesn't mean you are allowed to 'do more' than when dating.
As far as how far to go physically, there is no fast and solid answer. I'd say, there are a few points that are pretty much true for anyone dating, friends, or whatever. No sex, no oral sex, no 'petting'. Your hands and mouth should not be touching any 'intimate' areas. As far as kissing, its a personal choice how far that goes. Personally, i think 'making out' would be too much. It would be putting yourself in the line of temptation. If you find any kissing a temptation, then for you, its wrong, but if you can handle a little kiss and be fine, then that would be your limit.

I think i got most points you were asking about, maybe i missed some things. But feel free to contact me directly if you want, with more questions, etc.

 

[AAAPlus]

If Ugly's answer was the only one you got on here, you're still well off. He pretty much said it all, and he hit the nail directly on the head with every point. I would only add a few things.

The overwhelming majority of folks who post on here about pre-engagement issues clearly don't have a Christ-centered mindset. You two seem to have it though, and that is both refreshing and valuable. The fact that you were friends for 6 months before you started dating is impressive and admirable. I think if you two eventually decided to get married, you would be a huge blessing to others who look up to you. And if you don't, you seem to be on the right track physically so that you won't give up something that you'll regret later.

As far as how far is too far for dating, it's universal that anything beyond kissing is too far. Some say that even kissing is too far. I don't agree with them, but in some cases it could be true. I dated a girl for 8 months and never kissed her because she had been sexually abused when she was younger; I wanted her to feel safe, and she appreciated it. Some friends of mine won't kiss because they know they will have to date for a long time before getting married and they don't want to be tempted. Just be completely secure in who you two are in Christ; don't do anything that makes you feel guilty.

Be very patient with your boyfriend. He wouldn't have admitted it to you if he didn't love and trust you. The overwhelming majority of Christian guys struggle with porn addiction, and most won't even admit it to ANYONE, let alone his girlfriend. And among the ones that do admit it, very few actually get accountability for it with their friends. You should be proud that he is actively fighting it, and fighting for you. It takes a really strong man to do that.

 

[kenisyes]

James 5:16. He has chosen you to help him be delivered. Pray with him, be honest, and let him be honest with you. You might be surprised what God can do.

 

[romans1212]

Can, I just say, we are SO A LIKE. I am in the same situation with my boyfriend. He is a wonderful Christian man, but he has stuggled with it his whole life. The important thing here is that he feels he can be honest with you about it...to me, when my boyfriend was honest with me, and told me, it meant the world to me. It made me feel that our relationship was real and deep. Since then I've become kind of like accountability for him. I ask him often if he has done it recently, and he is honest with me. Sometimes he has to tell me yes, and we both cry. Sometimes he can say no and we can rejoice. I struggled a lot with this at first. But I tried to remember that it's not about me. He had this addicted way before me... it's not my fault...and it's not because he isn't attracted to me. The same goes for you. Although, it is hard to always keep that in mind. All you can do is be a support to him. & as long as your boyfriend is trying his best to fight it, that's all you can ask. You might want to talk to him about the whole long engagement thing. I've heard many pastors suggest that couples shouldn't be engaged longer than like 6 months (due to temptation). I mean, if you are SURE you want to marry someone enough to get engaged...why prolong it? Anyways, just pray for your boyfriend every day. Just encourage him to fight the temptation to look at porn. Believe in him, and even though it is painful and extremely hard, try to remember that it's not about you being inadequate.

 

[christ7]

This is why we must first strengthen Our relationship with our Savior before committing into anything. If he is still addicted to porn. He is back sliding. He must Re-establish his relationship with jesus and learn to truely love the lord. Because if he truely loves the Lord he will not choose to sin and the lord will work super naturally in his life. But you are doing a great thing but discouraging him. Refere to 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 ,1 John 2:16, Ephesians 6:11-17, Hebrews 13:4

Source: BIBLE VERSES ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY

 

[Tommy4Christ]

The dangers of Porn!

1Co 6:9 Do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor abusers, nor homosexuals,
1Co 6:10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God!
Today we are seeing a vast array of professing Christians and ministries who treat sin that will lead to death as a calamity and not a crime against God. Gal 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked. For whatever a man sows, that he also will reap.
Gal 6:8 For he sowing to his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh. But he sowing to the Spirit will reap life everlasting from the Spirit.
I can confess from being in bondage to this sin for over 30 years, what I needed to do to put it to death. Most in the Christian circles will tell you it’s a disease, it’s in your nature, or you were born a sinner and will not be able to put it to death once and for all. The pastors would tell me its ok, we all fall short, try not to do it again, and all your sins are forgiven, past, present, and future!
This gave me some comfort, as I joined other men, married and single, who were in the same boat I was in, falling continuously to porn and lust, but again I was good with God, because at least I confessed I do it, and am seeking help from those who know more than me!]
But I knew something was amiss in the church system, and could not figure out what these verses meant:
The soul who sins shall die! Eze 18-20
Those who sin are of the devil 1 John 3-8
The unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God! 1 Corin 6-10-11
Flee all sexual immorality Rev 21-8
He who does what is right is righteous 1 John 3-7
Stop loving this evil world and its lustful attractions 1 John 2-15-16
To be carnally minded is death Romans 8-6
Be perfect Matt 5-48
And many more scriptures that clearly contradict what is being taught in the liberal churches today, such as Promise Keepers, and those who write the many books to help one who struggles with porn to do it less!
Here in lies the problem, keeping literally millions of men in bondage to this vile sin and their flesh. No one is preaching true biblical repentance from the get go! The whole gospel is backwards, and upside down, where they tell you to just accept, believe, and confess your sins to Jesus, receive Him into your heart, feel sorry for your sins, BUT you will always be a poor sinner saved by grace! God will clean you up later, you will remain defiled, worldly, and double minded, but try not to sin if you can!
Where does it say this in the scriptures? Where are the few who are brave enough to call the sick to repent or perish, as Jesus and John the Baptist did. Luke 13-3.unless you repent, you will all likewise perish!
The sin of porn watching will kill you spiritually, and If you refuse to repent, and seek the mercy of God, 2 Corinthians 7-10-11, and die with Christ, ,Gal 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ, and I live; yet no longer I, but Christ lives in me. And that life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith toward the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself on my behalf. Then you will remain in bondage to this vile sin, it must be cut off at the roots! Put to death once and for all in repentance, then you must guard your heart each and every day, count the cost, resist to bloodshed if you have to striving against sins of the flesh, do your part in repentance and all mighty God will do His! James 4:8 Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners; and purify your hearts, double-minded ones.
Draw near to God, He will give you all the power and strength to remain pure and holy before Him, you cannot serve two masters, you cannot be double minded, full of darkness and guile and lust and possibly think you will inherit eternal life!
Those who forsake their sins will be given mercy, and not grace to continue in sin! Remember the grace of God teaches us something!
Titus 2:11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, Tit 2:12 teaching us that having denied ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live discreetly, righteously and godly, in this present world

Tit 2:13 looking for the blessed hope, and the appearance of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ,
Tit 2:14 who gave Himself for us that He might redeem us from all iniquity and purify to Himself a special people, zealous of good works.
You now have a choice to make! Seek first His kingdom and righteousness, or your own and suffer the grave consequences of your choices! Either you kill the sin in repentance, or it will kill you!(spiritually)
Gal 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are clearly revealed, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lustfulness,
Gal 5:20 idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, fightings, jealousies, angers, rivalries, divisions, heresies,
Gal 5:21 envyings, murders, drunkennesses, revelings, and things like these; of which I tell you before, as I also said before, that they who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.]
[Please repent of this sin, and all others that will kill your soul!
Tommy
Biblical Repentance:
You believe from your heart. You obey to receive the Holy Spirit (Acts 5:32) He comes into a clean vessel. A heart made pure by faith (obedience) Acts 15:9) you obey and keep obeying, daily, to keep your heart pure and undefiled from the world! (1 Peter 1:22) That's how it works! Genuine repentance involves humility, brokenness and is a humiliating experience. When the true light of God's word floods into your soul, you see yourself as you are, in rebellion to God! This is what godly sorrow is all about. Deep regret for your sin's, a season of sorrow, leading to salvation! (2 Corinthians 7:10) not getting saved in your disobedience and sin's, but out of them, through true repentance first where the flesh is crucified with Christ, and put to death! (Galatians 2:20) cleansed to receive the Holy Spirit!

 

[shrimp]

Well Wishing, I don't give very good advice, but I do like to tell true stories about myself in hopes that God will use them to guide someone. So, if you will indulge me, I shall begin.

My husband and I got married November 5, 2012; we had met in July. I made it a point to try and tell him all of my faults and to find out his. I told him outright my addiction problem to porn and alcohol, in the end, he still married me because he loved me then and loves me now. I should also mention that I have been brought to salvation when I was younger and ever since I try to follow Christ as best as I think I can. Having said that, just last night I admitted to my husband that I had fallen off the wagon and jumped right into a stinky pile of porn. I apologized to him and told him that I love him and that I would do my best to never do it again. He REALLY shocked me. I thought that he was going to yell, tell me to sleep elsewhere, or not want anything to do with me after. Instead, he tells me gently that we'll talk about it in the morning. I was so amazed that I had to ask him if he was mad, he was. In the end of it all, we didn't fight, he didn't yell, or kick me out. He reaffirmed that I was and am his only and had me do the same and promise that I wouldn't go back and I did with sincerity. I mean everything I said.

Well, I hope that was useful. God bless and keep you. Lots of Love

 

[Gc_2011]

I used to deal with this. Jesus help me with it and I donot know why I ever did it. I think there is something missing in his Life. If he is not a Christian then maybe help him become one.

 

[Precious_Sunflower]

There is a site where one can receive help if struggling with this, also for those who are in a relationship with someone struggling with porn. You might get suprised that there are even women that is also struggling with this too. But there are also many who has managed breaking free from this addiction, so I am not in agreement about this being something someone who is a addict victim will always struggle with. If you have got breaken free through Christ Jesus, you will be free indeed. This goes for both men and women. As we are all equal in God's eyes.


This is a 60 days course, and one can do it for free online. Some might get a mentor/accountability partner that will be of support and there when the one still struggling needs someone there. The mentors are sorted out in which gender you are, if you are a man you will be having a man as your mentor, if you are a woman you will be having a woman as your mentor. Not everyone get's an accountability partner, but if your boyfriend already has one, then this is good, too.This is also a Christian site.

The Way of Purity - Setting Captives Free

There is also a similiar course made for spouses/partners who knows about their spouses/partners struggling with this addiction, and that needs as much help and healing from the hurt 'cause of this. Those who are women then it is also very recommendable reading a book whilst doing the course, as it has a lot of the linkings through what is written in this book. "The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace." There is also a similiar book for men; "The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott." But one can also be doing the course without this book. But it is very recommendable reading the book beside doing the course day by day.

 

[Precious_Sunflower]

The one made for those spouses/partners who are dealing with one who struggles with porn addiction, this is something you can find into the same site. Though you might need to look around for it a bit by your own search.

 

[Tearose84]

I have the same problem with my husband. But I am now at the point that if he does it again, I will leave him. It is destroying me. And there really isn't a whole lot of doubt in my mind he will. We set up the filter on our computer and I get reports of the websites he tries to get into. It is very painful and I don't want to live my life with the damage that has come from it for me. To me it is adultery.

 

[JGPS]

I'm going to go through this all because I'll generally have different things to say than most here. It may be worth my while to write it since it may provide something useful for you.

I'm hoping by writing all of this on here, and maybe even getting some advice or help or opinions in return, I'll start to feel normal in my relationship again.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, and were very good friends for 6 months before that. Both of us are taking it very seriously, and wouldn't be in a relationship if we didn't think it had the potential to lead to marriage; for that reason we're also very open about our lives.

Well good, that seems to be on track.

Last night he admitted to me that he struggles with porn. He wanted to tell me, he didn't think it was fair that I didn't know. He told me that he has accountability set up with a group of people, that he wants to stop but finds it really difficult. I knew how hard it had been for him to tell me, it took a good half an hour of hugging in silence with him opening and shutting his mouth for him to actually say it, but now it's all I can think about.

Being that he's human, ordinarily he'd be married by his age and having all the sex he likes(given you're 22). Of course he's going crazy. It's a natural repercussion of living in a society that puts off growing up until 19, or even much longer depending on university.

So what exactly bothers you about it? Is it purely ethical? Are you in some way jealous? Are you offended in another way?

Almost as soon as we met each other we became inseparable, but he had hang ups from an ex girlfriend that needed to be worked through.

How are those hang ups related to porn being an issue? Is that related to a jealousy thing with you. How you feel about the issue and how it ties to other issues has a great impact on what needs to be done and how to do it.

From getting together 6 months ago, our relationship has escalated dramatically. I knew he was important to me, that he was unlike any other guy I'd been interested in before, but I didn't realise just how quickly he'd become an integral part of my life.

That's natural. These things happen quickly. It's a good sign.

I'd like to say now that there is a distinct lack in reading material on the do's and don'ts of Christian dating.

It exists. I've never found any of it that isn't horrible both practically and theologically. A freind of mine brought some such material from his Bible College when getting his degree. We had a great time disecting it and mocking it point by point.

I've trawled through the internet looking for any specific advice, such as what's okay to do intimacy wise (no info apart from 'don't have sex'). If you're engaged or married, there are entire websites dedicated to relieving your confusion; but if you're 'pre engagement' then you're pretty much in it alone.

That's because you're in a no mans land when it comes to intimacy. You're neither bound to him nor free from him. You need him and he needs you. Rather than dwelling on what to do in the no mans land I'd recommenced getting out of it. Find out what you need to find out about him as quickly as possible, and decide weather you want to be with him forever or not. It sounds like you already know you want to be with him anyway.

Everything you do, right up to cuddling, increases the bond between you. If you're not sure you want that bond then don't feed it. But like I said, it sounds like you want it.

So all of what I've said so far is pretty much giving you the outline, in order to possibly understand what I'm asking about, and what I'm struggling with. I've always felt like I'm the half of the couple with issues, I'm the one with skeletons in my closet and who's had to fight through many a difficult conversation, because I love him, and I want him to know who I really am. So when he sat me down and said he had something he needed to tell me, and that he wasn't sure how I'd feel about it, I was running through all sorts of scary things in my mind, but none of them seemed possible with him. He's such a good man of God, he's been a worship pastor at our church and is always the one to remind us to pray together or spend time with God together.

Yeah, you love him. He loves you. If you ask him if he wants to be with you forever and he says yes then have whatever fun you're comfortable having, and worry about the paperwork and ceremony later. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy that would abandon a verbal commitment.

The image of him sitting at his computer watching porn, and masturbating to it, just doesn't quite fit in my head. I've never (pre Christian) had any big problem with porn, and haven't thought about it much in the last year, so the way I felt when he told me surprised me. I felt hurt.

If I had to guess that probably has more to do with ex girlfreind hang ups than the porn itself. Naturally I could be way off base. But it seems like a competition thing.

A non Christian guy choosing to watch it wouldn't bother me, but he knows that it's wrong and yet has such a big issue with it that he literally cannot resist. I've liked being able to think that if we do get married, I'll be his only sexual partner, his only sexual experience, it takes a massive expectations-based weight off me. But now I feel, and this is such a cliche, like I'll have to compete with 'porn-girls'; and only porn girls, because he has no experience of 'real girls' in that area.

Hmm. Note that I am actually reading this by the sections I'm quoting. For what it's worth (and you may not believe me) he'll find you much more interesting and attractive than 'porn-girls'. I'm not saying there will be no issues, but they probably won't be as severe as you're thinking they may be.

I've chosen to be cool about it.

Be yourself about it. You can tell him what you think, both the good and the bad. So long as you're fair about it he shouldn't take it wrong.

I don't want him feeling judged, or feeling that he's hurt me, or feeling that he can't talk to me about it.

Yeah, those are all legitimate concerns. But burying issues doesn't work in long term relationships.

I want to talk about it with him, and fight through some of the reasons behind why he finds it so difficult to resist, but I don't know what the right things to say are, or the right ways to bring it up.

1Co 7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

And burn he is. Porn is a nice drink of alcohol offered to a man in a desert. It offers some relief from thirst, but in reality only aggravates it.

If he needs intimacy there will be times he feels like he's burning up to get it. It's difficult, but natural.

This hasn't changed how I feel about him, but it has made me panicky about the fact that he's a big believer in long engagements

Long engagements are foolishness. Is he a believer in long engagements or is that what his family has told him to believe? In most cases its the latter.

The passion with which we already want each other isn't something I want to lose, but it's also not something I can handle on a daily basis for another 2+ years. I, in no way, want to rush making a commitment, but I do worry that 2 more years or so of us wanting to be together and not being able to, isn't going to help with the porn watching...

If you intend to be bound together waiting will only put a strain on both of you. It won't accomplish anything positive either.

Has anyone got any advice or input or experience in this? I feel so alone with not being able to talk to anyone.
I have so much more I could say, and more I could ask, but this is already an essay.... Thank you so much for reading if you've managed to get through it all.

That's about it. If you found any of my return essay useful I'm glad. Ask whatever you want.

 

[Precious_Sunflower]

This is a 60 days course, and one can do it for free online. Some might get a mentor/accountability partner that will be of support and there when the one still struggling needs someone there. The mentors are sorted out in which gender you are, if you are a man you will be having a man as your mentor, if you are a woman you will be having a woman as your mentor. Not everyone get's an accountability partner, but if your boyfriend already has one, then this is good, too.This is also a Christian site.

The Way of Purity - Setting Captives Free

There is also a similiar course made for spouses/partners who knows about their spouses/partners struggling with this addiction, and that needs as much help and healing from the hurt 'cause of this. Those who are women then it is also very recommendable reading a book whilst doing the course, as it has a lot of the linkings through what is written in this book. "The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace." There is also a similiar book for men; "The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott." But one can also be doing the course without this book. But it is very recommendable reading the book beside doing the course day by day.

Just want to add that if you do the spouses/partner course with those who are hurting 'cause of their other part struggling with pornography, then they do need to read in the books I suggested for you, as the day by day course is also asking questions about what you just read, and it is also important information, and good for you to be reading. It is also very biblical centered.

I meant more to the one doing the Purity test, the one struggling with porography doesn't need to be reading any book during the 60-Days Course. The person can also fine be doing the day by day course completely without reading any of these books, but if he/she wants to read it beside doing this day by day course then this is very fine too. But it isn't made the same way as the other course for the spouse/partner, as in the other one you do need to be reading in a book whilst making the day by day course.