(Didn't relize i would type so much so my question is at the bottom. Read the story if you wish but it might not all be relevant. The questions will be under a line of ~~~~~~~~~~~~. I also appoligize before hand of any malapropism's grammar mistakes or more importantly Biblical errors.)
So I am not new to the whole Christian religion. I was Mormon and then Baptist when I was a child. Both believing in Christ and both have IMO very good communities tied with them. Or at least the churches I went to did.
I was religious until I would say the age of 12-13 I used to pray daily and was very happy in the Lord. And extremely close to him, my mother used to pride me on my faith. Then middle school hit and it became very apparent very quickly that God was not condoned in school. Yes, in the pledge we use his name and we had groups such as FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes). But, the children made you feel at a unease kind of state. All of the jokes started becoming sexual and the atmosphere changed.
~Now I am not going to blame everything on others and use them as an escape goat. For, I know it made the temptation taste sweeter, but it was I who took the bite.
So as I drifted from God I slowly became one of those teenagers who were atheist's. Running around asking everyone if they believed in God then I would shove 'facts' in their face about the bible says this then this and this isn't true and blah blah blah (excuse the blahs
) . Then ironic enough, I would complain about religious people always preaching the word of God. When I found myself preaching the word of death far more often. Now I considered myself a man of 'science' and 'truth' and would say things such as. "If there is a God let him kill me now!" Not knowing I was killing myself.
So as time went on God became less of a Abba and more a Father. (Reference I am using comes from the new testament were they say God should not be feared but loved, Not a strict God you fear and call Father as a title but a loving God you call *pappa* *daddy* a loving title.) Then He became less of a Father and more of a Thought, then to a idea, and then just an others hope before they die. By the time High School hit I found myself being a very strong atheist. Able to strike down any-ones comments on God. Yet, peculiar enough I found my best friends were Christians. Now I was and still am a 'nerd' so my friends are no fool's - they are beyond intelligent. And, being one who loved to detour people from their faith I used to debate with my friends on a Daily basis about God. How they found strength to be my friend I will never know. But, what I found was they never got mad or angry which I always loved when I argued with religious people. They listened and then they would start to tell me, "your mistaken" or "you cant take a passage out of context [God] was actually saying this/talking to these people". And I would retort "how naive" when I haven't read the Bible in years. Just took 'sayings' from the internet.
~Sorry for not using brevity but I like to ramble in my writing and give depth (a back story)
So about 1-2 months ago I as a joke took a piece of paper and wrote on it and I quote "I hereby [name] give my sole to the devil" then took a razor blade and slit my thumb. As I watched the blood drip I laughed demonically and thought to myself this would prove to the child in me that god doesn't exist. Take in note i was outside in the dead of night when I did this. Like wise I live in a very remote area. The second my blood touched the paper peculiar enough I felt nothing. Not like Haha this did nothing. But I felt the emotion of NOTHING. I felt cold yet felt no longer alive at the same time. As the wind picked up my heart raced and I ran back inside. A few weeks went bye and I felt normal if the whole thing never happened. So I thought Haha that showed me this is bogus.
******* Exactly at this point in typing this topic I believe god answered my questions but still I would like a person who is closer then I am to God to answer my questions. (For I know I'm not his perfect child, and I know I't not even worthy of his word.)
Well that takes me to about a week ago. A month has passed and I have been feeling normal, then one night. (I used to stay up late because it was easier to do the things I like at night). As I was in my room all of a sudden I felt the nothingness again and then was Engulfed by this nothingness. I was scared beyond belief and the pain was beyond physical and yet so real. As all these emotions grew I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I don't know if I was in shock or too much pain. But, as these feelings grew stronger and became more real then reality itself I saw a face wrapped in a bandage and it spoke to me. It wasn't like a man talking to another. He did not use words... Instead he used emotion and the second he was done talking. I felt a rush of love and peace. It was like a drop of water on your skin while being burned alive. But, yet so very satisfying - then the pain continued and after a while it dissipated. I told myself I am going to my teacher tomorrow and asking him if he could give me some advice. I knew my teacher was a man of God and he was the only person I could think of for hours.
So I went to my teacher and he talked with me and he understood I have never been one to acknowledge god or un'worldly' things. But, he was patient as I told piece's of my story for I was in so much remorse and after shock I couldn't keep my train of thought. He told me he thinks God spoke to me and showed me a glimpse of what hell is like. As I kept saying over and over in tears, "[Name] But this was so much more painful then you know, I would rather burn to death before another night like this". He told me that he thinks I should pray to God, and that he will not pressure me into this for I have to do it out of my love. As I said but I don't know what to do. He told me if I would like, he would pray with me . So I said "Okay, but how do I pray". (I have not known God for years, it seemed as foreign as another language.) He said its like talking to a friend. So we prayed and my tears began to roll down my cheeks in feeling if this makes any sense. I began to cry out of happiness not pain.
The next day he gave me a 'New Believer's Bible' of the New Testament. Very nice book if I do say so myself. In the front it tells me where to find passages about faith, love, God, the devil, and everything in between. To be honest I can't seem to put the thing down. I ditched school to read it, I nearly starve myself because I always want to read one more chapter. I find myself no longer wanting to party, drink, or smoke (anything) just wanting to read this book more and more.
Now here come to the part were I am lost.
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I have asked Jesus into my heart have felt the Holy Spirit and have spoken with God as child might speak to his Father. But I feel like I am beyond unworthy of this love and privilege of 'life'. When I feel these thoughts I begin to feel that pain over and over again. Never as strong but still enough to bring me to tears. ( Note I have been in a 70 mph car crash, not a tear. Broken multiple bones and the only time I have cried was when I was a child.) Yet, this pain brings me to so many tears just thinking about it makes my eyes begin to water. Am I going insane I seriously think there is a demon inside of me. I have heard voices that are not good and emotions that were worse then the hate from these voices. I have asked Jesus to drive these things away and they no longer reside in my heart. But I still feel them inside of me. Am I going insane and causing these voice's or are they real.
Also, I have done things such as sell my sole to the devil and sexual act's w/out marriage (not sex I am still a virgin). Is it still feasible for me to get into heaven if I live the life style depicted in the Bible? Or am I already lost since I did learn about these things before I committed the sin?
The more I think about this the more unworthy I feel to God. The more unworthy I feel to have that pain that is so minuscule compared to my sins. Please help. I am lost
So I am not new to the whole Christian religion. I was Mormon and then Baptist when I was a child. Both believing in Christ and both have IMO very good communities tied with them. Or at least the churches I went to did.
I was religious until I would say the age of 12-13 I used to pray daily and was very happy in the Lord. And extremely close to him, my mother used to pride me on my faith. Then middle school hit and it became very apparent very quickly that God was not condoned in school. Yes, in the pledge we use his name and we had groups such as FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes). But, the children made you feel at a unease kind of state. All of the jokes started becoming sexual and the atmosphere changed.
~Now I am not going to blame everything on others and use them as an escape goat. For, I know it made the temptation taste sweeter, but it was I who took the bite.
So as I drifted from God I slowly became one of those teenagers who were atheist's. Running around asking everyone if they believed in God then I would shove 'facts' in their face about the bible says this then this and this isn't true and blah blah blah (excuse the blahs
) . Then ironic enough, I would complain about religious people always preaching the word of God. When I found myself preaching the word of death far more often. Now I considered myself a man of 'science' and 'truth' and would say things such as. "If there is a God let him kill me now!" Not knowing I was killing myself.So as time went on God became less of a Abba and more a Father. (Reference I am using comes from the new testament were they say God should not be feared but loved, Not a strict God you fear and call Father as a title but a loving God you call *pappa* *daddy* a loving title.) Then He became less of a Father and more of a Thought, then to a idea, and then just an others hope before they die. By the time High School hit I found myself being a very strong atheist. Able to strike down any-ones comments on God. Yet, peculiar enough I found my best friends were Christians. Now I was and still am a 'nerd' so my friends are no fool's - they are beyond intelligent. And, being one who loved to detour people from their faith I used to debate with my friends on a Daily basis about God. How they found strength to be my friend I will never know. But, what I found was they never got mad or angry which I always loved when I argued with religious people. They listened and then they would start to tell me, "your mistaken" or "you cant take a passage out of context [God] was actually saying this/talking to these people". And I would retort "how naive" when I haven't read the Bible in years. Just took 'sayings' from the internet.
~Sorry for not using brevity but I like to ramble in my writing and give depth (a back story)
So about 1-2 months ago I as a joke took a piece of paper and wrote on it and I quote "I hereby [name] give my sole to the devil" then took a razor blade and slit my thumb. As I watched the blood drip I laughed demonically and thought to myself this would prove to the child in me that god doesn't exist. Take in note i was outside in the dead of night when I did this. Like wise I live in a very remote area. The second my blood touched the paper peculiar enough I felt nothing. Not like Haha this did nothing. But I felt the emotion of NOTHING. I felt cold yet felt no longer alive at the same time. As the wind picked up my heart raced and I ran back inside. A few weeks went bye and I felt normal if the whole thing never happened. So I thought Haha that showed me this is bogus.
******* Exactly at this point in typing this topic I believe god answered my questions but still I would like a person who is closer then I am to God to answer my questions. (For I know I'm not his perfect child, and I know I't not even worthy of his word.)
Well that takes me to about a week ago. A month has passed and I have been feeling normal, then one night. (I used to stay up late because it was easier to do the things I like at night). As I was in my room all of a sudden I felt the nothingness again and then was Engulfed by this nothingness. I was scared beyond belief and the pain was beyond physical and yet so real. As all these emotions grew I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I don't know if I was in shock or too much pain. But, as these feelings grew stronger and became more real then reality itself I saw a face wrapped in a bandage and it spoke to me. It wasn't like a man talking to another. He did not use words... Instead he used emotion and the second he was done talking. I felt a rush of love and peace. It was like a drop of water on your skin while being burned alive. But, yet so very satisfying - then the pain continued and after a while it dissipated. I told myself I am going to my teacher tomorrow and asking him if he could give me some advice. I knew my teacher was a man of God and he was the only person I could think of for hours.
So I went to my teacher and he talked with me and he understood I have never been one to acknowledge god or un'worldly' things. But, he was patient as I told piece's of my story for I was in so much remorse and after shock I couldn't keep my train of thought. He told me he thinks God spoke to me and showed me a glimpse of what hell is like. As I kept saying over and over in tears, "[Name] But this was so much more painful then you know, I would rather burn to death before another night like this". He told me that he thinks I should pray to God, and that he will not pressure me into this for I have to do it out of my love. As I said but I don't know what to do. He told me if I would like, he would pray with me . So I said "Okay, but how do I pray". (I have not known God for years, it seemed as foreign as another language.) He said its like talking to a friend. So we prayed and my tears began to roll down my cheeks in feeling if this makes any sense. I began to cry out of happiness not pain.
The next day he gave me a 'New Believer's Bible' of the New Testament. Very nice book if I do say so myself. In the front it tells me where to find passages about faith, love, God, the devil, and everything in between. To be honest I can't seem to put the thing down. I ditched school to read it, I nearly starve myself because I always want to read one more chapter. I find myself no longer wanting to party, drink, or smoke (anything) just wanting to read this book more and more.
Now here come to the part were I am lost.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have asked Jesus into my heart have felt the Holy Spirit and have spoken with God as child might speak to his Father. But I feel like I am beyond unworthy of this love and privilege of 'life'. When I feel these thoughts I begin to feel that pain over and over again. Never as strong but still enough to bring me to tears. ( Note I have been in a 70 mph car crash, not a tear. Broken multiple bones and the only time I have cried was when I was a child.) Yet, this pain brings me to so many tears just thinking about it makes my eyes begin to water. Am I going insane I seriously think there is a demon inside of me. I have heard voices that are not good and emotions that were worse then the hate from these voices. I have asked Jesus to drive these things away and they no longer reside in my heart. But I still feel them inside of me. Am I going insane and causing these voice's or are they real.
Also, I have done things such as sell my sole to the devil and sexual act's w/out marriage (not sex I am still a virgin). Is it still feasible for me to get into heaven if I live the life style depicted in the Bible? Or am I already lost since I did learn about these things before I committed the sin?
The more I think about this the more unworthy I feel to God. The more unworthy I feel to have that pain that is so minuscule compared to my sins. Please help. I am lost
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