A complete outsider in society

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KevinV

Guest
#1
#1
For as long as I can remember I feel like I don't belong in society.

I don't know who I am, I'm completely filled with contradictions. I love myself a lot but at the same time I hate myself. I'm a christian but I'm also attracted to atheism, even satanism and wodanism. I sometimes have a complete lack of feelings and sometimes I feel a lot. Some days I hate the world and everything in it and sometimes I love the world in all its facets. Everything works in the extreme for me, or complete darkness or complete goodness. There is no middle, there is no greyzone. Everything is either black or white. And that makes me feel like I'm not really in society. Like I'm outside the world.

I had a good childhood, my family loves me and nothing bad happent in my childhood. However lately I'm getting some repressed memories back that I don't know wether they happent or not. But I really think so. As a kid I did something terrible and I feel so bad about it, I think that what I did damaged the person I hurt forever. And I never faced the consequences because I got away with it.

I don't know why I posted this, because this comes from the deepest of my personality. Noone knows this, how I feel. Neither my girlfriend who I deeply love and knows how to deal with me in a way. But she doesn't know it all ... Noone does.

I don't know what I'm trying to prove with this post, I just hope that someone can relate I guess. Am I a lost cause?
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#2
#2
I was the same way. God's got a new society coming, and you are part of it. You need to sort through the past to understand your role in HIs future. Remember this exchange when you turn 50. You will be so surprised it came true. I predict it because that is how it has always been for folks like us.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#3
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
4,268
113
#3
KevinV said:
For as long as I can remember I feel like I don't belong in society.

I don't know who I am, I'm completely filled with contradictions. I love myself a lot but at the same time I hate myself. I'm a christian but I'm also attracted to atheism, even satanism and wodanism. I sometimes have a complete lack of feelings and sometimes I feel a lot. Some days I hate the world and everything in it and sometimes I love the world in all its facets. Everything works in the extreme for me, or complete darkness or complete goodness. There is no middle, there is no greyzone. Everything is either black or white. And that makes me feel like I'm not really in society. Like I'm outside the world.

I had a good childhood, my family loves me and nothing bad happent in my childhood. However lately I'm getting some repressed memories back that I don't know wether they happent or not. But I really think so. As a kid I did something terrible and I feel so bad about it, I think that what I did damaged the person I hurt forever. And I never faced the consequences because I got away with it.

I don't know why I posted this, because this comes from the deepest of my personality. Noone knows this, how I feel. Neither my girlfriend who I deeply love and knows how to deal with me in a way. But she doesn't know it all ... Noone does.

I don't know what I'm trying to prove with this post, I just hope that someone can relate I guess. Am I a lost cause?
Click to expand...
Is there any chance that you can still make restitution (make up for what you did) to this person, or at least find out from them if it really happened? If so, dealing with it directly should release a lot of repressed feelings for you.

If you can't do that, ask God for forgiveness just in case it really happened and know that God forgives you.

As far as feeling like an outcast, i know the feeling all too well. In my case it is due to my feelings of shame because of what I'm going through in my life right now. Maybe for you it is something different. I think for most people the way to overcome it is to start opening up and being more talkative with people. There is an old saying which I think holds true, it says:
"Smile, and the world will smile back at you." :)

God bless.
 
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HappyLuke

Guest
#5
#5
Hihi! I'm a nonbeliever/atheist, and if you are doubting Christianity it sounds like you don't consider yourself to be convinced it's true for good, solid reasons. And if you are considering going to Satanism and believing other systems that you don't understand to be true, it sounds like you aren't really seeking to have beliefs supported by good, solid reasons, but a comfortable belief system. I'd recommend before coming to grips with what you believe, you aim to come to grips with the fact that you care if your beliefs are true. And if you care if your beliefs are true, you should only believe things that you understand to be supported by evidence. Don't adopt any old belief system because it looks interesting, research it and see if it has evidence, and believe only what you become convinced is true. Avoiding believing unsupported claims is absolutely paramount to avoiding holding false beliefs. You may find that there's good evidence for the claims of Christianity, or Satanism, or whatever you look into. But you shouldn't believe them until you understand they are true
 
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P

Powemm

Guest
#6
#6
in my relationship with God I have come to learn , if there is any part of the relationship not restored with Him , nothing outside of that unrestored area will work.. I found it to be in the relationship issue with Him that in some areas I didn't identify with How God might have felt with me when I was doing such things towards Him... So in an area like you're feeling .. "I got away with it ". Do we really? what about God? Did we get away with it with Him who is all seeing? I had to go to Him in such areas of My own life and get real with Him, tell him
What I did and how I felt about it .. Of you went to tjos person , would it help them
Or Hurt them further? I also had to look at those things as well.. did I want restitution so I would feel Better, Or so they felt
better? in some situations I came to the Decision that there would be some things that would only make me feel better if I tried to talk to the person about it .. those things I handed to God and asked for his Firgiveness in them .. Other things I could make amends for... Discernment in the matter is up to you.. I've always been on the outside of groups
More than the inside of groups .. Mainly because I dont need their approval ratings when god says I'm already approved ..
yet others need edification so I step
Out of my comfort zone to edify that which is of God in others .. welcome to what's called the narrow path.. It is not well traveled.. A good thing really because you are with God soley .. I get where you're coming from .. It will all work itself out ..
you're actually in a very blessed spot :)
 
H

hattiebod

Guest
#7
#7
KevinV said:
For as long as I can remember I feel like I don't belong in society.

I don't know who I am, I'm completely filled with contradictions. I love myself a lot but at the same time I hate myself. I'm a christian but I'm also attracted to atheism, even satanism and wodanism. I sometimes have a complete lack of feelings and sometimes I feel a lot. Some days I hate the world and everything in it and sometimes I love the world in all its facets. Everything works in the extreme for me, or complete darkness or complete goodness. There is no middle, there is no greyzone. Everything is either black or white. And that makes me feel like I'm not really in society. Like I'm outside the world.

I had a good childhood, my family loves me and nothing bad happent in my childhood. However lately I'm getting some repressed memories back that I don't know wether they happent or not. But I really think so. As a kid I did something terrible and I feel so bad about it, I think that what I did damaged the person I hurt forever. And I never faced the consequences because I got away with it.

I don't know why I posted this, because this comes from the deepest of my personality. Noone knows this, how I feel. Neither my girlfriend who I deeply love and knows how to deal with me in a way. But she doesn't know it all ... Noone does.

I don't know what I'm trying to prove with this post, I just hope that someone can relate I guess. Am I a lost cause?
Click to expand...

Hi, I think if you are feeling this way, finding a Christian Counsellor may really help you? too work through your feelings and get understanding. Gd does not want you to live a life of un-fullfillment and un-happiness. Its up to us to trust in Him and t rach out and get the help we need. You do nt have to be 'stuck'and feel isolated and mss-understood. I pray you will get the encouragement and suport you need and deserve. we all make mistakes..they are only dsasters if we keep repeating them and d nt learn frm them. God foorgives you...trust in Him and begiin to forgive yourself. God Bless you. <><
 
K

KevinV

Guest
#8
#8
HappyLuke said:
Hihi! I'm a nonbeliever/atheist, and if you are doubting Christianity it sounds like you don't consider yourself to be convinced it's true for good, solid reasons. And if you are considering going to Satanism and believing other systems that you don't understand to be true, it sounds like you aren't really seeking to have beliefs supported by good, solid reasons, but a comfortable belief system. I'd recommend before coming to grips with what you believe, you aim to come to grips with the fact that you care if your beliefs are true. And if you care if your beliefs are true, you should only believe things that you understand to be supported by evidence. Don't adopt any old belief system because it looks interesting, research it and see if it has evidence, and believe only what you become convinced is true. Avoiding believing unsupported claims is absolutely paramount to avoiding holding false beliefs. You may find that there's good evidence for the claims of Christianity, or Satanism, or whatever you look into. But you shouldn't believe them until you understand they are true
Click to expand...
It is not really about wether a belief is true or not, or based on evidence. I don't really care for that. My belief gives me a sort of inner strength and that's good, it helps me in my personal life. So it's not really about 'the truth'.

Atheists can do what they want, I don't judge but I'm not some kind of oldschool know-it-all christian who claims to be the only one who is righteous. I'm well aware of the bloody history of christianity but when a belief gives a person the strenght to go on and to deal with personal issues and when they don't harm anyone then I see no problem with it. Don't forget that humans abused their religion to do bad things, one should not blame the religion itself for that.
 
K

KevinV

Guest
#9
#9
zeroturbulence said:
Is there any chance that you can still make restitution (make up for what you did) to this person, or at least find out from them if it really happened? If so, dealing with it directly should release a lot of repressed feelings for you.

If you can't do that, ask God for forgiveness just in case it really happened and know that God forgives you.

As far as feeling like an outcast, i know the feeling all too well. In my case it is due to my feelings of shame because of what I'm going through in my life right now. Maybe for you it is something different. I think for most people the way to overcome it is to start opening up and being more talkative with people. There is an old saying which I think holds true, it says:
"Smile, and the world will smile back at you." :)

God bless.
Click to expand...
Thinking about it more made me realize it really happened. As sad as it is to say, I never made up for what I did. I think I should find that person and just deal with the consequences finally eventhough I fear that it might do more harm then good since it happened so long ago (It happened at least 15 years ago).

I don't feel something as shame, I just feel I'm a really really bad person, I sinned heavily in more then one occasion but the event I referred to was probably my worst sin.
 
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