C
I grew up believing in God. He was always there in my family. He always led us and spoke to us and healed us when we prayed. But lately. Somehow over the years I find myself INCREDIBLY jaded and incredibly confused.
My mother is a bible teacher. She travels all over teaching God’s word….and her interpretation of it.
I think somewhere a few years ago I started doubting some of the things she believes and teaches. But it has gotten to the point where I don’t know where truth ends and deception begins.
She believes most of the realm of what people might describe as ‘the prophetic’ she believes God is still speaking, but that He speaks to some more clearly than others and that we should heed what they say.
I used to agree with her until her doctrine started to confuse me.
She met a man a few years ago, whom she claims is her ministry partner. She got very close to him in friendship though she is married, and the man is married. They travel together and talk almost every day about their lives and God and what God is saying here or there about this or that. She believes what this man tells her even on matters she herself has not heard from God about. Well. Recently a prophecy this man gave fell through. Even though it was supposedly a huge prophecy and he was taken to heaven or whatever. Well it didn’t happen.
And I’m left scratching my head about how I can believe anything. I mean. When I look on this site, or any Christian group for that matter, I see conflicts everywhere. Conflicts in all of our belief systems. All of our interpretations of the word of God are different. We all believe it means different things on different matters. Holy spirit. Prophecy. Israel. End times.
everything. You name it, and we’re divided. I hate this. I hate that we’re all supposedly following the most holy book ever written. But we all take different things from it.
I hate that I don’t know what I believe anymore. I feel angry and lost and I don’t feel like I can trust anything I grew up knowing. It all feels like a lie.
In some respects I know God is real and Jesus bc I’ve seen so many healed in his name and I’ve had a walk with him. I’ve had dreams and visions and I knew they were God and not me. and I’ve heard his voice. So the existence of God is so not in question at all.
But I’m mad at him. I’m mad at God for letting all of us believe so many lies. If I were God…. And that’s a scary and humongous if. I don’t think I would let people believe junk! About me! in my name. and spread it around. and lead people into this little pits and denominations all thinking they have the only truth. I mean. What is so different about me. why should I feel I have truth on all matters. I could have just as easily been born as that muslim kid in Egypt. Or….that Buddhist in china. What makes me think I’m so special that my faith. That makes NO sense to me right now. Is the real one. I am sure everyone has their reasons for believing what they do. Is that enough? Or do we really hold out for something true to break down the lies?
I wanna believe in spiritual experiences bc I have had them. And there’s no denying that what I experienced was of the spiritual realm and not the physical one. But I don’t want to believe in someone else’s? who am I to say that they AREN’T experiencing the one true God? How ‘bout if they believe they can meet in the spirit with another living believer on the other side of the world? That their spirit can literally be in their bedroom. How about if they believe they can have prayer meetings with deceased saints from the bible? What then? What if they believe that Jesus showed up in Malaysia as a homeless person?
where is the frickin line??? Obviously there is one or we all wouldn’t be here on this site debating about it and tip toeing around it. Even here in a Christian place. So many of you believe so many things that are just so wrong. I don’t know what’s truth anymore. And I am sad and empty inside.
When people say things that I feel are obviously untruths, this horrible dark anger rises up in me. but it’s not even anger at the person. because we’re all fools in our own right believing lies about one thing or another. It’s just anger. At God for letting these lies run rampant. And at myself for not knowing where the line is.
Maybe someday I’ll find my faith again. I just wish I knew how to find it independent of my church upbringing and independent of either of my parent’s beliefs.
Maybe it’s all a lie…
My mother is a bible teacher. She travels all over teaching God’s word….and her interpretation of it.
I think somewhere a few years ago I started doubting some of the things she believes and teaches. But it has gotten to the point where I don’t know where truth ends and deception begins.
She believes most of the realm of what people might describe as ‘the prophetic’ she believes God is still speaking, but that He speaks to some more clearly than others and that we should heed what they say.
I used to agree with her until her doctrine started to confuse me.
She met a man a few years ago, whom she claims is her ministry partner. She got very close to him in friendship though she is married, and the man is married. They travel together and talk almost every day about their lives and God and what God is saying here or there about this or that. She believes what this man tells her even on matters she herself has not heard from God about. Well. Recently a prophecy this man gave fell through. Even though it was supposedly a huge prophecy and he was taken to heaven or whatever. Well it didn’t happen.
And I’m left scratching my head about how I can believe anything. I mean. When I look on this site, or any Christian group for that matter, I see conflicts everywhere. Conflicts in all of our belief systems. All of our interpretations of the word of God are different. We all believe it means different things on different matters. Holy spirit. Prophecy. Israel. End times.
everything. You name it, and we’re divided. I hate this. I hate that we’re all supposedly following the most holy book ever written. But we all take different things from it.
I hate that I don’t know what I believe anymore. I feel angry and lost and I don’t feel like I can trust anything I grew up knowing. It all feels like a lie.
In some respects I know God is real and Jesus bc I’ve seen so many healed in his name and I’ve had a walk with him. I’ve had dreams and visions and I knew they were God and not me. and I’ve heard his voice. So the existence of God is so not in question at all.
But I’m mad at him. I’m mad at God for letting all of us believe so many lies. If I were God…. And that’s a scary and humongous if. I don’t think I would let people believe junk! About me! in my name. and spread it around. and lead people into this little pits and denominations all thinking they have the only truth. I mean. What is so different about me. why should I feel I have truth on all matters. I could have just as easily been born as that muslim kid in Egypt. Or….that Buddhist in china. What makes me think I’m so special that my faith. That makes NO sense to me right now. Is the real one. I am sure everyone has their reasons for believing what they do. Is that enough? Or do we really hold out for something true to break down the lies?
I wanna believe in spiritual experiences bc I have had them. And there’s no denying that what I experienced was of the spiritual realm and not the physical one. But I don’t want to believe in someone else’s? who am I to say that they AREN’T experiencing the one true God? How ‘bout if they believe they can meet in the spirit with another living believer on the other side of the world? That their spirit can literally be in their bedroom. How about if they believe they can have prayer meetings with deceased saints from the bible? What then? What if they believe that Jesus showed up in Malaysia as a homeless person?
where is the frickin line??? Obviously there is one or we all wouldn’t be here on this site debating about it and tip toeing around it. Even here in a Christian place. So many of you believe so many things that are just so wrong. I don’t know what’s truth anymore. And I am sad and empty inside.
When people say things that I feel are obviously untruths, this horrible dark anger rises up in me. but it’s not even anger at the person. because we’re all fools in our own right believing lies about one thing or another. It’s just anger. At God for letting these lies run rampant. And at myself for not knowing where the line is.
Maybe someday I’ll find my faith again. I just wish I knew how to find it independent of my church upbringing and independent of either of my parent’s beliefs.
Maybe it’s all a lie…