Asking father's permission to become daughter's boyfriend

[nzlotrfan]

So I've been dating a girl I met at uni for the past four months. She is Filipino, I am a New Zealander. When we began dating, I didn't know her parents, so therefore hadn't met them. I recommitted myself to God again, and became a Christian a month into our relationship. - I was a half-hearted Christian before, you see. This girl made me realize I need to sort out my Christian self, so I can lead this relationship in a God-glorifying way. - She hasn't really made the commitment for herself.

Anyway, due to various reasons, four months later, I finally met her parents officially today, and we all had a coffee at a café. About two months ago, I took a keen interest in relationship books, including Boy Meets Girl. And I see that it is an significant thing to do, to ask the girl you interested in's father for permission to start dating her. Well, due to how we met, it didn't work out that way. One thing I had told the girl I'm dating about two months in, is that I wasn't going to enter into a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with you, until I had met her parents.
Well now I have, and I've been wondering over the past few hours; should I perhaps write a letter or something to her father asking permission to ask her daughter to become my girlfriend? - As a nice gesture, and to show that I value their input. By the way, the meeting with her parents today went really well, and they told me that they were happy I was dating their daughter (they are both Christians themselves). If so, what should I write? Your opinions/advice would be great, thanks!

 

[T_Laurich]

I have to caution against dating this chick... If you are a devout christian and she is not.. It will cause problems later on... you might look past them while you guys are still all lovey and dovey... But when looks fade and you spell of newness wears off you will be faced at a semi believing luke-warm christian... I am not saying that your relationship will be terrible...

I am guaranteeing it...

If you live for Christ and she only comes to Him out of need... There will be major heart ache's about belief...

I know this girl seems amazing... But Christ has to be first man... I know you realize it, but the saying that says "you can lead a horse to water but your can't make it drink". will hold true in you trying to lead your relationship toward God...

 

[nzlotrfan]

Thanks for your post.

That has given me something to think about. I'm going to hold off taking it further, and I'm going to tell her that its up to her now as to whether we are going to take it to the next step. So thanks.

I am still interested in an answer to my original question though as well. Thanks!

 

[Ugly]

Thanks for your post.

That has given me something to think about. I'm going to hold off taking it further, and I'm going to tell her that its up to her now as to whether we are going to take it to the next step. So thanks.

I am still interested in an answer to my original question though as well. Thanks!

I take issue with this line. 'If you don't get your life right with God, we can't continue'. This is not what causes a person to get their life right with God. This is what causes a person to fake it so they don't lose someone. She will learn to play the part but ultimately it won't be genuine, and one day that will come out in her behavior and you will wonder how such a 'wonderful Christian' could act the way she does.

 

[nzlotrfan]

What do you suggest I do?

I'm not wanting her to fake it, but I thought that may be best? I don't want to lose her, but just stay where we are as friends who are dating each other?

 

[eddie1801]

Hello:

As an older married guy I guess I can give you input on this. I dont think it is necessary to get permission to date their daughter. They already see that you are a good guy, therefore you really dont need that conversation. However, when it is time to marry a woman, that is when that convo should happen. Marriages are more permanent/serious issues rather than boyfriend level. When it comes to her christianity, i think we should not be too judgmental. There is no perfect Christian, she may not be on your same level..but like many of us, she is work in process. As long as she is not trying to make you sin or be disobedient to God, I think shes good. You see a lot of good in her, trust me, there is no perfect woman ..she might be the one for you.

 

[AAAPlus]

T-Laurich and Ugly are both right on the mark. You should NOT be dating a girl who is not already a committed believer, and telling her such will make her fake it.

What do you suggest I do?

I'm not wanting her to fake it, but I thought that may be best? I don't want to lose her, but just stay where we are as friends who are dating each other?

As you start reading the Bible more, questions like these will become easier and easier. Until then, seeking Christian counsel is a wise thing to do. Jesus asked people to give up their entire families, jobs, and lives to follow Him. For you, that seems to mean giving up the girl you're dating. Those who decide to follow Christ should first count the cost. I know it's a hard thing, but the blessings that follow are more than worth it.

 

[Ugly]

What do you suggest I do?

I'm not wanting her to fake it, but I thought that may be best? I don't want to lose her, but just stay where we are as friends who are dating each other?

So essentially you want what you want, and how you want it. Well, that's not how things usually work. You have to make a choice, accept her for who she is, or end it. You can't always have your cake and eat it too. Ultimatums are not a strong way to start a relationship anyways. You accept the person for who they are and what they do, or you move on. Placing expectations and demands on someone to bend to your will is not a healthy attitude in a relationship.

 

[MrHonest]

Its not about changing her for your wants. You need her to love God if you intend to marry her. If she does not love Christ and accept Him as her personal Lord and savior, independently of your relationship (that means if it hurts you and her and she does it but unhappily she is still only doing it for you and not for her personal relationship with Christ) then as T_Laurich says: its a guarantee that you will suffer one way or another.

We are not called to only marry those who are Christian but it is necessary for both couples to have Christ as their guide in order for the marriage to work as God intends it. Seriously if she is your friend, your best friend, keep it that way as you talk her through the relationship with God that you have and sharehow important God is to your heart, mind, and might and how more important it is that whoever you marry also understand and have this love for Jesus Christ.

Marriage is not just a physical thing, its a spiritual and heartfelt thing that inspires or destroys you. The Bible tells us that when we are single we think more about God and how to make Him happy but when we are married our mind goes towards pleasing our wife/husband. That means that this relationship, if taken into marriage, will consume you day and night thinking that the woman you are sleeping with, eating with, and spending every minute, hour, and day with does not accept your God, your Lord, your Savior.

Its not an easy task for any Christian who has fallen in want or love, with someone who does not know God, to go about and figure our how to avoid this relationship but that is the sacrifice our Lord deserves. He gave His Life for us why won't we give ours for Him?

 

[nzlotrfan]

You guys don't realise how influential your posts have been. I got notified of your post Ugly, just as the girl and I had finished uni class and were about to start our weekly hangout.

I see now that telling her what I had planned to tell her, would have been the thing wrong thing to do. So for the first of our being together yesterday, I wasn't as talkative as per usual as I now didn't know to say.

She picked up that there was something. Anyway, after a bit we say down together and talked about our relationship, some concerns of mine, and just some thoughts. But I didn't mention anything about her and her Christianity.

I think she was thinking that now I'd met her parents, that now we could enter into a relationship. She didn't say this, but she motioned it yesterday. So at one point I basically said, that our relationship will happen on God's time, and not our own.

She then told me that me saying that reminded her of a verse she came across a few days ago. And she mentioned how she felt that the last few Sunday services felt quite relative to us. -- this is the first time she has really brought up something about God/Christianity. - so that was awesome, especially when I wasn't bringing it up as a conversation.

I think that maybe I'm not accurately describing her. She used to be quite involved in the church when she was a child, it was only when she moved from the Philippines to NZ that she lost focus.
She really is genuine. So it's not like she's a hardcore non-believer, she was a Christian once, and she's now just finding her way back. But I'm not blind, I'm praying, and am certainly ready to face the music should it come to that, but I'm not willing to give up just yet.

Sorry for any errors, I'm writing on my phone.

 

[FM10]

By the way, the meeting with her parents today went really well, and they told me that they were happy I was dating their daughter

Um, hello? They already consider you as their daughter's boyfriend! If you go and write that, I reckon you'll look a bit of a clown.

It seems as though your trying to be goody two shoes. Don't. Just be yourself, the parents are happy with what they have seen so far.

 

[TheAristocat]

Since this is related, I've been wondering why women want a man to ask the woman's father for permission. Coming at this from a man's perspective this doesn't make any sense to me. Do I want a woman to ask my mother for permission to date me? I'm confused. So maybe a woman could chime in and enlighten me. Is it just culturally taboo not to do and in other cultures it's fine if you don't do it? I really don't understand, since even some grown women want this.

Maybe it's a symbolic face-off with the woman's father, and if you get his permission then he's effectively conceded to you and the woman will view you as strong, confident and attractive then?