About to be married, fiance told me his struggle with porn is back...

[Kelsitree]

First off i should say we do have sex and we have tried not to but stopping once you start......well, it just never happened. Anyways, He told me he never watched it for the three years we dated, and then told me he overcame it about a year ago. I was shocked, mad, and hurt, he hid this from me but was happy he told me he overcame it. Well my reaction was so bad(I cried for awhile, asked endless amounts of questions, and totally took it personally) that I knew he'd never open up again even though he promised he would. I didn't mean to be so selfish I just truly did not understand. I don't look when attractive men get undressed on TV, knowing he went out searching to look at naked women.….I didn't understand. Well he told me yesterday during premarital videos, that he still watches. I asked him the day before how he was doing with that and his lie was so convincing it scares me.....he said he still never watches it. He asked for my support and help and my instant reaction was good, I told him it was OK and I understood. I know I still don't fully understand though and throughout the day he could see I was angry and hurt....I tried very hard to be supportive because I want us to stay open with each other but I'm still taking it personally and getting insecure. I need advice on how to be supportive and some insight on why he does this....he needs the help, but I need the help on how to be a good woman for him so he can get the help.

 

[Ugly]

Addiction is addiction. It doesn't matter if its drugs, alcohol, porn or caffeine. You wouldn't expect an alcoholic to just say 'ok, i quit drinking' and think that he's really going to quit. So why should this addiction be any different?
Porn addiction isn't about the look. Its not about sex. It may start out that way, but once it gets dug in it usually is a sign of an inner turmoil. Some area of his life is not fulfilled, or maybe just in general. It has nothing to do with his attraction to you. I know its hard to not see it that way, but since the addiction is less about the women and more about something internal, it may help you cope with it. So basically you have to see the same as drinking drugs or anything else.

Oh. And if Really wanted to stop having sex you wouldn't put yourself in situations where you're able to have it.

 

[ServantStrike]

I hope I don't come across as too judgmental, but both of you need to get your spiritual houses in order during whatever time you have left before you get married, so that you will have a stronger foundation for your future marriage.

It sounds like there is sexual sin on both sides of this marriage. Just remember that while your fiance is struggling with porn, both of you have sinned together and seem to have adopted a devil-may-care attitude about it.

This is not a good sign going in, but is completely in your control and your fiance's control.

 

[Kelsitree]

Not judgemental at all. We're to be married in two weeks. He is so sincerely sorry. He hates making me sad. He told me he started again about a couple months ago. So he was good for almost a year. Yes, we didn't try to hard to stop having sex and we both decided in our hearts we were already married because as bad as that sounds, marriage was not an option until now. We've been together for four years and I was trying to keep a promise to my father about school first then relationships but I didn't want to sin anymore and made a big choice, I was too scared was all......anyways, I have no idea to go about this addiction. He wants to ignore it. He hates that I keep bringing it up, but I know something needs to be done, but what? Is ignoring the best way to go about this? I told him the second he watches it he has to tell me, and he promised he would because he's seeking my help. I suggested this because he hates telling me.....so it prevents him from watching. But I feel this is very wrong. We're reading our bibles more and praying, he's exercising and distracting but this is not a cure. I've asked him what triggers it and he says stress or unhappiness with the way his life is going....he told me he feels like he is aimlessly wandering in life. I'm over my insecurity about it today as I realize this is bigger than image, and I'm kind of scared I don't want this to be a long struggle For him!!! Its been a struggle for him since he was 13....he's almost 22......

 

[eddie1801]

First of all welcome to CC, this is a good place to receive godly wisdom.I believe I can offer some advice with this. Since I am a person who struggled with porn. First of all, porn has nothing to do with not loving or not being attraction to you. I know its hard for women to understand this, but this is the simple truth. This man does love you and is attracted to you, the porn addiction does not interfere with this. Secondly, getting married WILL NOT cure a porn addiction. Many men have "assumed" this would be the case since supposedly they believe they will get sex all the time. This person had a porn addiction since he was in his pre-teens..trust me the devil is not gonna let him off that easy ..just because he's about to be married. You have to understand this first before you move forward. It took close to a decade to develop a stronghold in his life, it would be naive to think that by him simply marrying you all of a sudden its gonna go away. Now you may wonder..What should I do? First of all, do your fiance believe in fasting? This will help subside the urges. If he does not know how to properly fast..PM me and I will discuss this with you. In addition to this, having a accountability partner is good. Therefore, it is good that you tell him to let you know about his relapses. I am willing to bet in the year he claimed he did not watch porn, he probably did. He may not be forthright with you, because he knows it is going to hurt your feelings. I do not think having sex is going to help your situation either. You want God to answer your prayers, so you fiance can be delivered. God will not answer our prayers, at times, if we are actively living in sin. You and your fiance is in a battle, therefore you two must put on the whole armor, as the bible talks about. Another thing you can do is download K9 Web protection (free) on your desktop, laptop, and android phone...make sure you are the administrator and create the password. Therefore, even when he wants to relapse he will be unable to watch porn. Discuss this with him. Hope this helps

 

[colalella2891]

I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but you shouldn't marry him until this issue is resolved... If you do marry him while he still has this issue, you will be in a lonely marriage, and you'll be miserable.

In my honest opinion, I don't feel like you guys are ready to get married. You need that intimate relationship with God, and based on what I read it doesn't seem like you have it.

I don't mean to come off as negative, but marriage shouldn't be in the cards for you both right now.

 

[ServantStrike]

Not judgemental at all. We're to be married in two weeks. He is so sincerely sorry. He hates making me sad. He told me he started again about a couple months ago. So he was good for almost a year. Yes, we didn't try to hard to stop having sex and we both decided in our hearts we were already married because as bad as that sounds, marriage was not an option until now. We've been together for four years and I was trying to keep a promise to my father about school first then relationships but I didn't want to sin anymore and made a big choice, I was too scared was all......anyways, I have no idea to go about this addiction. He wants to ignore it. He hates that I keep bringing it up, but I know something needs to be done, but what? Is ignoring the best way to go about this? I told him the second he watches it he has to tell me, and he promised he would because he's seeking my help. I suggested this because he hates telling me.....so it prevents him from watching. But I feel this is very wrong. We're reading our bibles more and praying, he's exercising and distracting but this is not a cure. I've asked him what triggers it and he says stress or unhappiness with the way his life is going....he told me he feels like he is aimlessly wandering in life. I'm over my insecurity about it today as I realize this is bigger than image, and I'm kind of scared I don't want this to be a long struggle For him!!! Its been a struggle for him since he was 13....he's almost 22......

Yeah...

A wife is not a good accountability partner for this. He's going to under report his failures.

And ignoring this problem is not okay whatever he says. It will erode your marriage, and you will get tired of competing with balloon chested bimbos.

Does he have any older Christian men in the area to talk to about this? Is he open to entering an online accountability relationship? If so we've got a number of us who have banded together in a social group here. It's in my sig under Men's discussion.

 

[Kelsitree]

I decided to marry him knowing this was a struggle of his. If I wait on someone to have everything in their life straightened out I'd be waiting for a long long time. We are always going to have struggles, our ups and downs, he does not deserve to be waited on, that will only give him temporary motivation to stop, all just to get comfortable in our marriage and start again. We are going to do a fast. And I'm going to recommend this site to him to get an accountability partner! I love that idea thank you so so soooo much! We are going to read the word every single day and God has already taken my insecurity issue completely away. I know I am not competing with these women and I know I'm beautiful and the best me that I can be. I realize this is way bigger than that and God gave me the words to speak yesterday and I found out how he was feeling. He's very honest with me and his ultimate goal was to have this not be a problem in our marriage. I am frustrated that he couldnt refrain from it for us, but I know our relationship with God has become weak. He makes himself feel disgusting afterwards and i realize that causes a downward spiral. I told him when he makes a mistake he has to forgive himself and not beat himself uo over it. I'm very sad that we have to deal with this and i keep fearing how long this will be on our lives. I read one woman's supportive site where it took her husband 25 years... We are refraining from sex and we are also taking all distractions out of our lives so he can fight any urge with God only and reading the bible.

 

[ServantStrike]

I decided to marry him knowing this was a struggle of his. If I wait on someone to have everything in their life straightened out I'd be waiting for a long long time. We are always going to have struggles, our ups and downs, he does not deserve to be waited on, that will only give him temporary motivation to stop, all just to get comfortable in our marriage and start again. We are going to do a fast. And I'm going to recommend this site to him to get an accountability partner! I love that idea thank you so so soooo much! We are going to read the word every single day and God has already taken my insecurity issue completely away. I know I am not competing with these women and I know I'm beautiful and the best me that I can be. I realize this is way bigger than that and God gave me the words to speak yesterday and I found out how he was feeling. He's very honest with me and his ultimate goal was to have this not be a problem in our marriage. I am frustrated that he couldnt refrain from it for us, but I know our relationship with God has become weak. He makes himself feel disgusting afterwards and i realize that causes a downward spiral. I told him when he makes a mistake he has to forgive himself and not beat himself uo over it. I'm very sad that we have to deal with this and i keep fearing how long this will be on our lives. I read one woman's supportive site where it took her husband 25 years... We are refraining from sex and we are also taking all distractions out of our lives so he can fight any urge with God only and reading the bible.

But you are competing with those women. When you two get married and you are intimate, thoughts of those other women will flood into his mind. I don't know about women, but the male mind is a relational database. We remember all kinds of things depending on what the situation at hand is. The filth has to go so it cannot come back to bite us later.

As for 25 years, can you give us a link to that site please. I would be interested to read what this person has to say.

25 years to me sounds like someone was trying to fight it and leaving the Holy Spirit out of the equation. For a married man, lack of sex (and thus the self destructive behaviors some single men engage in that are linked to pornography), will not be a stumbling block for him. Seriously, done right the number is weeks (maybe months if he struggles an awful lot).

This is very fixable.

 

[eddie1801]

Its good to see that you are encouraged and have found some answers for this issue. Nobody is perfect. Additionally, a lot of Christian men struggle in this area. Be consistent with your prayer/fast life. You guys will overcome it!

 

[colalella2891]

I decided to marry him knowing this was a struggle of his. If I wait on someone to have everything in their life straightened out I'd be waiting for a long long time. We are always going to have struggles, our ups and downs, he does not deserve to be waited on, that will only give him temporary motivation to stop, all just to get comfortable in our marriage and start again. We are going to do a fast. And I'm going to recommend this site to him to get an accountability partner! I love that idea thank you so so soooo much! We are going to read the word every single day and God has already taken my insecurity issue completely away. I know I am not competing with these women and I know I'm beautiful and the best me that I can be. I realize this is way bigger than that and God gave me the words to speak yesterday and I found out how he was feeling. He's very honest with me and his ultimate goal was to have this not be a problem in our marriage. I am frustrated that he couldnt refrain from it for us, but I know our relationship with God has become weak. He makes himself feel disgusting afterwards and i realize that causes a downward spiral. I told him when he makes a mistake he has to forgive himself and not beat himself uo over it. I'm very sad that we have to deal with this and i keep fearing how long this will be on our lives. I read one woman's supportive site where it took her husband 25 years... We are refraining from sex and we are also taking all distractions out of our lives so he can fight any urge with God only and reading the bible.

I'm not the wisest person on this site when it comes to marriage, but I still don't think it's a good idea for you guys to get married right now... Porn is not an easy thing to give up, and it doesn't seem like he's remotely close to being free of it.

And i'm not trying to speak your world, but there are people who get divorced over these types of issues. If you marry him while he still has this problem, you will be miserable...

But, we can't control what you do. We can only try to give you the best advice we can give you. You can do what you think is right, but if your fiance is in as deep as I think he is, you've been warned.

 

[Godsgraceisenough2013]

But you are competing with those women. When you two get married and you are intimate, thoughts of those other women will flood into his mind. I don't know about women, but the male mind is a relational database. We remember all kinds of things depending on what the situation at hand is. The filth has to go so it cannot come back to bite us later.

As for 25 years, can you give us a link to that site please. I would be interested to read what this person has to say.

25 years to me sounds like someone was trying to fight it and leaving the Holy Spirit out of the equation. For a married man, lack of sex (and thus the self destructive behaviors some single men engage in that are linked to pornography), will not be a stumbling block for him. Seriously, done right the number is weeks (maybe months if he struggles an awful lot).

This is very fixable.

The part that you say this is very fixable~~~ not it's not that easy but it is fixable. Kelsitree baby girl it will take sometime, some extra faith some strong commitments. look upon the Lord. get married to him if that is who you believe God has sent to you but the only thing is do not go into it thinking this will change right away and when it doesn't you get a divorce.

 

[Kelsitree]

I believe without a doubt we are meant and have totally felt God throughout all of this. We've been together for four years and with all our struggles and mistakes its only brought us closer, including this one. And trust me, I'm not a girl who sticks with someone because I'm scared of being lonely, I'd much rather be lonely then be with someone I was unsure of. We bring out the best in each other and I know what we have is really special and rare, I'm just so upset that this addiction has to get in the way of something so special....can some people who have gone through the same thing tell me what worked for them?? I mentioned we are fasting and getting closer to God and everything else. I told him about this site and I'm hoping he'll use it.

 

[colalella2891]

After re-reading my last post, I feel like I made it too negative... I feel like I should have re-worded it differently, because I still want you to have hope for your fiance. And he definitely can overcome this addiction, because overcoming a porn addiction is nowhere near impossible; especially when God's in the picture. The main point that I was trying to make was holding off on marriage (for now). It doesn't mean you can't still be with him.

I used to have a minor porn addiction, and one day I simply chose to stop watching it. I stopped watching it on TV, and I quit searching for it on the internet. From what I know on the matter, in order for him to overcome this addiction, he needs to make the choice himself that he wants to change, and cut it out of his life (or at least try as hard as he can). He can also try talking to a pastor or another Godly elder.

 

[breno785au]

My wife and I got married even after I confessed I had an issue with porn. She was shocked at first and wanted me to sort it out before we got married but after praying about it, she didn't feel it was right to impose such a thing on our relationship. I guess she had confidence in knowing that I was actively working through it with God. I found I was able to confide in her, she has been a great support through my struggles and it is a testament that love conquers all.
You need to look deep into his heart and know within yourself that He loves God and desires change, I don't necessarily agree with the above comments that you he needs to sort himself out before marriage, that you'll be lonely in marriage etc. as they are blanket statements which our marriage has proven them to not be 100% accurate (not having a go at anyone for the replies) Pray for him, pray that God shows him who he really is and that God has set him free from it. If it is love that you both have, it will endure.

 

[Silex]

Hi Kelsitree,

Its good that you two are trying to work things out and haven't given up. Keep up with Bible reading and praying. And never ever fall, or giving into, the temptation of slacking off on Bible reading and praying. You both are struggling right now, and it may get frustrating at times...sometimes even hopless. But just as a seed must struggle first before it becomes a fruitful tree, so you two have your struggles before your relationship can become a strong and fruitful tree.

And no matter what happens, whether he falls again, or you blow up a gasket, you must remember Jesus said He's our Shepherd and He won't lose any of us. So if you two are believers, and sounds like you are, then you must put your faith in Christ first. Christ has freed him from the bondage of all sin. Christ will help him realize this.

Now the other thing is the trigger. If wandering aimlessly in life is triggering this, then pray for this matter also. Its a terrible feeling to be a young man in 20's, and feel lost. Sadly, the more he went to porn, the more lost it made him feel. Maybe he realizes it, or perhaps he will sometime in the future. But you must constantly pray for him...but it isn't wise to tell him everything you pray for. At least not right now. Somethings will encourage him, other things may make him feel worse if he falls. Because the devil may tell him that he's a worthless soul for falling into a sin while poor you is praying for him constantly. So go with wisdom (pray for wisdom for yourself too) in what you say to him, how you say it to him, whether you say something or not etc.

But do share God's love and mercy and awesomeness with him. Share God's joy and the fruit of the Spirit. Encourage him in God, not only about this issue, but about everything in life. You know the thing about pink elephants. If you keep thinking of not thinking of pink elephants, then you are thinking of pink elephants.

So don't ignore the issue of porn, but don't make it a focal point of every conversation either. Instead, share about God's glory, about what you read in your quiet time, and/or ask him about what he read. Let him know you still love him lots and whether its stress, or aimlessness, or accomplishment, or boredome...whatever it is, he can freely share with you.

And if you forget everything, at least remember that Christ is faithful and will bring to completion what He has started in you and in him.