Hi Pandas, I just replied to a similar thread, and I know how it feels to be a loner, and worse that the places you sometimes feel you best connect to are those outside the church. But I do want you to know in this that God is with you, the minute you turned to Him you were forgiven, completely and totally, He accepts you without reservation, you don't need to walk around fearing that you will fall out of His love, they can't ever happen
. He loves you absolutely, eternally and forever. When Jesus cried 'It is Finished!' in triumph on the cross He meant it, all the forces of sin, evil, death and darkness that held you are had any claimed on you was exhausted there, rendered utterly impotent and powerless, and God's total forgiveness and acceptance was released and was there the minute you turned to Him and received it, and when He burst out of the tomb you were raised with Him freed into immortal resurrection Life.
So know nothing has any claim over you but Him, and nothing can ever separate you from Him ever again, He will never ever abandon you or forsake you ever, He is eternally faithful to you through the covenant of His Son sealed in His Son's blood, and He can no more abandon you then stop being God
. So He is right there with you, ready to carry your burdens with you and walk with this through you, just turn to Him and lean fully on Him, not holding anything back bet letting all your concerns, fears or issues out, you don't need a front on before you Heavenly Father, He completely accepts you, the real you, and wants to to come to Him so don't hold back or worry
, He isn't an ogre, He is your Loving Father, and He will never turn you away, but rather like the father to the Prodigal Son is just waiting to sweep you up in His arms and bring you to the feast He has just for you at His table. You have an honoured place at His side so don't worry or any fear coming before Him, talking to Him and letting Him come in and heal and restore you.
And while yes it is important and God doesn't want you to return to some of the parts of your past lifestyle, that is because they damaged and de-humanized you, what He wishes to do is free you and renew you day by day into the full, wonderful and unique human being you will be, we are all shadows of our future selves and He is committed to setting us fully and gloriously free, now and into the resurrection when the work of renewal will be completed. Because of this though don't be worried in not doing those things because suddenly God will cast you out, He will never do that, those that come to Him He will never cast aside, He has promised and said it, so it is the truth, He doesn't wish you in those things because they de-humanize you, they hurt and damage the unique person you are, and the full person in Him you shall be. He wishes you to be free and gloriously human, so walk in the freedom and life He wishes for you in liberty, joy and love without fear
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And whenever thoughts come to you mind accusing you, or saying you won't make it or are worthless or God doesn't love or care for you, know them for the powerless deceiving lies they are, and choose not to listen to them but to Him, step by step just trusting in His faithfulness, and know that as you do this He is proud of you, He is pointing you out to the whole heavenly court as his beloved son, his champion
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And I pray that God soon brings you into a loving and supportive Christian community both where you are and here, that can come alongside, talk, fellowship and be there with you, as you walk this hard and difficult road. And know that already you are not alone anymore
