How far is too Far? - Relationship advice.

FayFay · Jun 30, 2014

I have heard it all ... from holding hands being the line to right before penetration being the line.

What is too far? What is considered sinful?

I have struggled with this question, more so now that I am an adult and single than ever before. I am a virgin and do not plan to have sex till I get married, till I find that one special guy. The struggle I have is what happens to everything in between? What "base" do you stop at before you hit "home-run"? Kissing, Making-out, Dry humping, Grabbing, Fingering ..... Where is it okay to stop? When does it become wrong? I mean I never had SEX, but is all of those other things wrong?

What do you all think?

Ugly · Jun 30, 2014

This is fairly subjective, and according to other posts i've seen on this exact topic, it will end in a debate. Some will say kissing and holding hands are too much, while others will say everything up to oral sex is acceptable.

I think a good way to judge is if kissing turns you on, don't do it. If holding hands turns you on, don't do it.
Far as cuddling, etc... it's pretty iffy. That's a lot of closeness and temptation. It can spark up fast and you'll have done things before you know it. It's up to you, but you really have to be careful.

Anything that involves getting naked, or seeing or touching certain areas should be off limits. Something doesn't have to be sex to be wrong. Anything that causes lust is wrong. And what other reason is there to go touching each other in some areas if not that?

It's usually better to err on the side of caution than to push the limits of temptation. When you're 70 you won't regret not holding hands, or kissing or whatever sooner. You Will regret that you decided it was ok to do that one 'innocent' thing that ended not so innocently. Regret can't be erased.

MartyrNdaMaKn · Jun 30, 2014

To be totally honest with all you have mentioned is unacceptable. Anything that can turn into a tempting or lustful situation should be avoided. For example, if I was in a relationship I would strain from any form of physical contact that brings upon a response of arousal. Which can bring upon a sinful nature.

andiesollestre · Jul 2, 2014

One word: MOTIVE

I believe everything we do is intentional.

cinder · Jul 2, 2014

FayFay said:

Honestly, how far is too far is asking the wrong question. The right question is something more like how do I honor God, my future spouse, etc. in this relationship. But for some good guidelines: Imagine that you will have to tell your future husband about doing things with your current boyfriend. If you'll be ashamed to tell him that you did something, it's better to leave it undone. Also I highly recommend the book Your single treasure for a positive christian view on single sexuality. And I'll second what Ugly said, I've never heard anyone say they were sorry they waited for their spouse to do anything sexual, but I've heard plenty of people regret pre-marital activity. Err on the side of obedience.

FayFay · Jul 3, 2014

Sorry if I brought out a common topic.

Thank y'all, this has made me think about a lot of things.

andrewmhmusic · Jul 3, 2014

Dear FayFay, i think many Christians have different views on this. And I do agree with some of the posters, do I honour God, my future spouse etc

Love is fine, parental love, love of a pet, a sibling, a friend. The rest is subjective, and in general lust wastes years of our lives if not sorted out early

secularhermit · Jul 3, 2014

I would recommend you to read on others threads to grasp what other said or learned from going too far...

CC is plenty of free teaching!

Test_F_i_2_Luv · Jul 4, 2014

FayFay said:

Congratulations on holding on to your "v-card". I've noticed on Christian message boards that most men would prefer a virgin spouse. So, in addition to the most important factor that it is commanded by God to wait until marriage(Heb 13:4), know that men find it to be an attractive quality.

Now, for the gray areas of what's ok and what's not ok.

First, we should consider these things beforehand and before our hormones are clouding our thought process.

With every action/activity under consideration:
-Do I think God would be pleased with me for doing this?
-Should the activity belong strictly to one's spouse?
-Do I think I'd later be embarrassed or ashamed for doing this?
-Would I someday want to admit to my future mate that I had done this?

Also concerning activities, since people's control level varies: avoid (1) activities that can directly cause one to climax and (2) activities that would make it near impossible for one to not lose control and continue on to climax-causing activities.

Tintin · Jul 4, 2014

I would say holding hands and light kissing are okay and hugging and appropriate cuddling when you're in a romantic relationship. That said, it really would depend on you and your partner and what excites/doesn't excite you sexually. The better question to ask isn't, how far can I go? But rather, how can we both best honour God with our bodies?

tourist · Jul 4, 2014

I think that most young Christian men are naïve on this topic and unrealistic on their expectations in a relationship. I agree about maintaining your virginity until marriage is a worthy aspiration but that can become problematic. The object of getting on base is to eventually score. That is how the game is played.

Test_F_i_2_Luv · Jul 4, 2014

tourist said:

Dating and love shouldn't be treated as a recreational activity. Unfortunately, that's the way some people treat love and those who they supposedly "care" about.

The only thing problematic about virginity is society's twisted view that it is wrong/silly/means the person has a problem.

tourist · Jul 4, 2014

Test_F_i_2_Luv said:

I agree with your statement. I believe that most important is how the individual views virginity.

ChandlerFan · Jul 9, 2014

Hey FayFay, I think you ask a super important question.

I think you probably know as well as I do that sex is a really powerful thing. That's why it says repeatedly in Song of Solomon not to awaken love until the time is right.

The first thing I would say is that the only thing that we can definitively say that the Bible explicitly calls sin as far as this topic goes is lust and sex outside of marriage.
Sex outside of marriage pretty objectively means the same thing to everyone, but lust is a little more subjective, so that's really where you have to know yourself. Really anything that incites lust in your heart for the other person is what you want to stay far away from. Another way to think about it would be to avoid whatever things would disappoint you if your future husband told you about doing those things with another woman earlier on in his life before he was married to you. It seems like for most people they wouldn't be super bothered if their spouse had kissed someone else in the past. But made out with someone? That could possibly get into the realm of bothersome. But it can different depending on the person, really. You just need to be honest with yourself and not compromise.
Another way to think about it is are you taking what isn't yours? Sex is a very obvious way to do that--taking another man for yourself who hasn't given or committed himself to you in marriage. But lust works that way too, only on the heart level.

And just so you have the right vision of why this is so important, God gives us boundaries so that we can enjoy the good things He's given us to the full. So in the case of romantic relationships, God has given us boundaries so that we might experience the joy of the gift of sex in its fullness. It was His idea after all. It's when we venture outside of those boundaries that, while there will still be pleasure, we lose the fullness of joy that goes beyond the physical, and we distance ourselves from God. So the boundaries God gives us aren't just arbitrary rules, but they're specifically designed to allow us to live in the freedom and fullness of joy that are offered to us in Jesus Christ.

biscuit · Jul 9, 2014

FayFay said:

I believe the man you select as your future husband is far most important than what may happen on a date of possible encounters. If you are a woman with high virtue and serious about marriage, then he will understand & wait. In the 'old school the average wait was about 6 months. The problems with many of today's women who are virgins that want to marry play 'head games,' send mix signals and control the relationship. In many instances, they aren't taken seriously.

_Mastermind77_ · Jul 9, 2014

FayFay said:

Well, I'm glad you asked that. That means that you want to do the right thing concerning sex.

Like others said, sex before marriage is clearly wrong and a definite 'no'. However, the other actions you described like humping and fingering are part of foreplay, which naturally leads to sex. These things are dangerous to do because they increase the chance that y'all will lose control and actually have sex. But there are more dangers to these actions than simply those.

Jesus said if you look with lust (sexual desire), it is the same as committing adultery, and is a sin punishable by eternity in Hell. The Bible also says "let there be no hint of sexual immorality among you," and those actions qualify as sexual immorality. So whether you are fingering, having sex, or simply looking with lust, you are breaking God's law. These all need to be avoided. Furthermore, if you abstain from all of these sexual actions, it will make sex with your spouse (After your marriage) more fulfilling and special.

I hope this helps, and I pray you stay strong. Put your trust in The Lord, and he will not let you down. God Bless!
_Mastermind77_

Ugly · Jul 9, 2014

Sex with your spouse after your marriage? Is that as opposed to sex with your spouse before marriage? hahahaha... i couldn't resist.

blueorchidjd · Jul 9, 2014

Don't
Even.
Think.
About.
It.
.......Or you will be tazered shortly

_Mastermind77_ · Jul 9, 2014

Hahaha, you have a point! XD
But you get what I am saying.

RickyZ · Jul 9, 2014

The point at which lust arises, and you inflame the flesh, is the point of going too far. And that can happen with just a look.

How far is too Far? - Relationship advice.

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