Thank you for your your prayers alissa. they are counted as blessings. good to know I'm not alone.
maybe its a normal race we all run occasionally, expecially those that think and study to much theology instead of reality huh? Said reality being God loves us enough to become a simple servant and die a horrible death in our place, and then render us justified and righteous by defeating our deserved consequence. Amongst all the study, i guess i stumble upon more questions even though the important ones have been answered already. that and lifes trials as well as the enemys attacks can weaken and make us more open for spiritual lows and uncertainties, even if uncertainties aren't a reality as God keeps us, we don't work at keeping ourselves. And praise Him for such, because keeping myself safe and saved is something I'm spiritually incapable of doing in this current flesh. The more i study and hurt the more i ask and doubt, I'm hoping its part of my sin nature and it will be overcome, either soon or at His coming. I just keep reminding myself that the enemy is clever, and can make every truth seem a lie and every lie seem as if it were truth. Who can disern the mind of God though, silly to think i could fathom even a portion of what He knows as truth. maybe its part of the cross I'm to bear-----know the important Truths while the world calls them a lie, whilst stumbling to find the smaller Truths along the way, all the while having fiery trials sent my way. that and having to keep running and do my best to keep my chin up.. even though i most desire death, so I can be with him sooner. (I'm a Christian, not a quiter of important matters such as this life. So this isn't a call for help, only prayer, ill keep fighting the fight until my last breath, and my last breath won't be the result of a intentional action by myself, therefore please no responses with anti suicide rhetoric and hotline numbers, unless its your only motivation to post here. I figured a subjects as this would yield more responses, if it doesn't. send your suicide prevention tips as i suppose a response off topic is better than no response at all.
I'm looking only for fellowship and the comfort it brings here. No "suicide sends ya ta hell" preaching. I'm fully capable of living this life out. , in His strength......................