almost 30 now and still waiting to have full intercourse

[john219]

Nobody here is judging you but if you feel any guilt it is a reflection on yourself, not from what others have put on you. The truth is harsh and nobody really wants to hear it but at the same time we crave it because we long for correction.

I'm not sure where you're getting this from as I have not mentioned that I feel guilty about anything in particular! Maybe a few years I would have felt guilty and convicted about almost penetrating my girlfriend but when I tried earlier this year I didn't feel any guilt... the only thing I could think about was that I failed at having sex and that made me awful and a failure. The last thing I thought about was that I had disobeyed God.

You will do yourself a favour by keeping free from the bondage of sexual desire but it sounds like you are slipping and finding it more of a burden than a blessing. I imagine that this is a difficult path for you, as it is for ALL men in your position. The huge sin against men in this world is sexual sin and you are a victim. Do not let it control you. Do not find ways around being a virgin. Do not "technically" have sex with a woman unless she is your wife. You have no right to touch any woman unless she is your wife. This sounds strict and it should be. Do not look for holes in the system. You can do better than that. Your waiting isn't for nothing.

Well that's exactly it! That's my struggle at the moment and it's simply wanting others to understand that journey instead of tell me I should feel guilty because I'm questioning God's standards! And yes I am questioning God, my faith and what's going on. That's where I'm here, to question things and make sense of all this. I think nunsandroses sums it up well - I think most people are discouraged and as we age it's easier to falter in faith towards the future if we haven't achieved the goals we expected.

 

[john219]

I'm torn about what to do - whether to leave my faith behind and so I won't feel this burden any longer and I could just go out there and have sex or whether I can stay the course and continue waiting despite how painful that now is at this age. I'm sure other people on here who are my age and older would understand that struggle. I imagine that most of you aren't hence the lack of understanding of my situation.

 

[woka]

Wow all I can say is if someone is upfront and honest about how they are feeling, is it our place to completley condem them? I am ashames to be called a christian and am supposed to show Christ love to someone, who was brave enough to share how he truly feels, and I use the word brave enough after having read some of the comments.

How dare we sit in judgement of someone else, instead of trying to be encouraging, understand, loving, caring, kind not to mention the fruits of the spirit we are supposed to have within us.

I am truly proud of you John 219 for saying how you feel, it is the responses that you have received from the christians on here that never allows us to truly share how we feel, that stops us from going to church, that never affords us the opportunity to really, and I mean really pray for someone in need.

As for the guys on here that are still virgins and doing great with it, Hooorrraaayyyyy to you all for being super Godly and knowing how to just deal with it.

Sex is an awesome, absolutely amazing experience, you share yourself on a level with your spouse like nobody else ever get's to. It makes you feel like you are the only one for them, and you truly are. I can understand why it would be something that you would want to have, it is frustrating waiting for the one the Lord God made for you, because the world is truly a lonely place.

I commend you John 219 for sharing thank you.

 

[presidente]

I'd like to respond to the opening post from the perspective of a married man who was a virgin until my wedding in my late 20's. If you are a Christian, you shouldn't be abstaining from intercourse to get a reward in the form of a wife. You should be abstaining from intercourse because fornication is a sin. God deserves for you to live a holy life and not to indulge in this kind of sin. You don't deserve a merit badge for merely giving God what you owe Him anyway. And if you have engaged in partial intercourse, or some other kind of sexual sin, then you don't deserve a merit badge or a reward at all.

On the other hand, I can certainly relate to your concerns. I'm not going to get on your case for wanting to have sex badly. I wanted to get married and have sex to when I was in your shoes. You've gone a few more years without intercourse than I did, since I got married a few years younger than you are now. What steps are you taking to get married? The Bible says, to prevent fornication, let every man have his own wife and every woman her own husband.

Our culture tells us that before you get married, you have to fall in love with the person first. A lot of people advise you to know the person well. I'm not saying that's bad advice. But I do realize that in lots of cultures for much of human history, marriages weren't always approached in the same way. Parents often matched up kids for the sake of finances and family alliances. There are plenty of cultures that have some degree of features of an arranged marriage. If you are interested in a foreign woman, maybe you could find a woman from some Asian or African culture where marriages are semi-arranged and you could get married in a few weeks to some attractive woman you don't know well. It's kind of crazy, but I saw that Jack Lemon movie, "How to Murder Your Wife" when I was a kid, and the idea of waking up married to a new acquaintance, someone who looked like Virna Lisi, or whatever her name was, certainly had its appeal.

I know a man who was a bit older who wanted a wife. He went to a Korean church and told the pastor he was looking. They set him up with a Korean woman not too far in age from him who had not married. Koreans usually pair up by getting set up by others on blind dates until they find someone. Those who don't marry by a certain age have relatives or professional match makers set them up with people. After a few meetings, their parents ask them if they see this person as a potential marriage partner, and then it can quickly move toward marriage. Indians negotiate out their marriage partners with their parents, who help them choose spouses based on the potential spouse's family and the family's values. The divorce rate is low in India, and the last time I was in Korea, some time back, I was told that arranged marriages had lower divorce rates. I hear in Japan, 80% of the church members are female. They are taught only to marry Christians. The Christian men (you are a man, right) have their pick of women to marry, and many of the rest live their lives without marrying. You'd probably be a rock star if you went to Japan and looked for a wife. Pastors would be eager to set you up with potential spouses, too, I hear. There are also places in Vietnam where you can go and meet eager 18 to 20 year old virgins who will marry you after an interview (if you pay a matchmaker). Statistically, it is unlike they will be Christian, though there are some areas with Roman Catholics.

What are you looking for in a wife? Someone of the same faith? Someone with the same philosophy of marriage? Someone who will be faithful? A virgin maybe (until the wedding night of course). Someone who hates the idea of divorce and considers it immoral? Women who are virgins on their wedding night are much less likely to divorce in the research than those who have had multiple partners. You probably want to marry someone who you find attractive who finds you attractive, and you probably want to marry someone who has a compatible personality? If I were you, and I were in such a rush to have sex that I was thinking of sinning, I might rush into marriage. It beats sinning, but marriage is for life. So probably repenting of your putting sex before God would be a better solution.

I've got some good news for you. It's bitter sweet, but here goes. You are 30 now. Your sex drive is going down, not up. Your body will crave sex less now than it did 10 or 5 years ago. So keeping your virginity until marriage should be easier and easier if you can just keep your mind renewed and not conformed to this world.

I'm not saying it's wrong for you to go to a Korean, Japanese or African church in your country or fly to Japan and try to find a wife. But you may have more success if you really pray intensely about it. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. You can also fast. I met my wife after I went through a time where I prayed a lot about the issue.

 

[Liamson]

When it comes to sex.

You really aren't missing out on anything.

 

[Avalonjunky]

I am 34, and I can tell you from experience that I have done things I wish I could take back. Unfortunately, that's not the way life works. Once we make a decision to do something and actually act on it, we have to live with the consequences. Sometimes those consequces are often harder on oneself than anything else we'll encounter thoughout our lifetimes. These actions are known as mistakes. I have made more of these than I can count. Thankfully, these mistakes I made were made when I was in my 20's and I have since learned.

Now I know with all confidence that if someone loves you they will wait for marriage a sexual relationship with you. (Never been married myself) I am praying that God will bring that person, a godly person into my life for me to share my life with so as I don't make this mistake again.

I urge you to listen to God and not the ways of the world. Following God is more important.

 

[presidente]

When it comes to sex.

You really aren't missing out on anything.

I'm married, and I wouldn't agree with that statement. But it is much better to be celibate when single.

I'd also like to add a few thoughts to the discussion, not just directed to the quote above.


Also, if you don't believe in murdering babies in in the womb, then it makes perfect sense, ethically, not to engage in premarital sex. Sex isn't just for fun and physical pleasure-- an idea promoted on TV and in Hollywood. It also produces children. They say condoms are 92 or 98% effective. What about the 8% or 2% or whatever failure rate their is? A man could still get a woman pregnant. What if she decides to kill his baby and he has no legal right to protect that child? Or what if she won't marry him or she is just such bad wife material it's out of the question. Then the child is raised without a dad except as an occasional visitor, not in a two parent home. Or he takes the child and she is raised without a mother. Neither of those situations are good for the child.

It's just good ethics not to have sex outside of marriage. Sex is for marriage, where two people are committed to each other for life. As Christians, we abstain from fornication because it is a sin against God. But God knows what is best for us, and if we think it through, it just makes sense.

In marriage, sex is a good thing, and it is find to be passionate about it, have fun, and enjoy your spouse's body. But we know it can produce children, too.

 

[Nuns_n_roses]

I'm torn about what to do - whether to leave my faith behind and so I won't feel this burden any longer and I could just go out there and have sex or whether I can stay the course and continue waiting despite how painful that now is at this age. I'm sure other people on here who are my age and older would understand that struggle. I imagine that most of you aren't hence the lack of understanding of my situation.

I think you know what I want you to do, but you have to ask yourself what would be more satisfying between obeying God or being with a woman. Whatever you choose, there's no judgment here brother, but I think you might regret compromising your morals.

 

[Bluecomet]

God said, if you cannot contain yourself, get a wife.

 

[exbi-savedbygrace]

missing out. you sound ridiculous. so not having sex is worse than not having Christ. Man get out of here. Christ is worth more than a million wives. get your mind right

 

[PopClick]

It just feels like all this waiting has been for NOTHING and it's been a complete waste. I know maybe the time has come for me to make a decision. My never-ending ambivalence about this for years has both held me back from both enjoying sex and growing in my faith.

I REALLY wish I could be more like you with this thinking.

How about before you give up, ask God to change your mindset and make it whatever He would like it to be. To make your desires be whatever He wants you to desire. Would it be okay if I prayed that for you?

I'm torn about what to do - whether to leave my faith behind and so I won't feel this burden any longer and I could just go out there and have sex or whether I can stay the course and continue waiting despite how painful that now is at this age. I'm sure other people on here who are my age and older would understand that struggle. I imagine that most of you aren't hence the lack of understanding of my situation.

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

 

[GreenNnice]

Wait.

 

[agirlandherguitar]

I'm torn about what to do - whether to leave my faith behind and so I won't feel this burden any longer and I could just go out there and have sex or whether I can stay the course and continue waiting despite how painful that now is at this age. I'm sure other people on here who are my age and older would understand that struggle. I imagine that most of you aren't hence the lack of understanding of my situation.

You can't play the age card, man. I'm only three years younger than you and that means absolutely nothing. We all struggle with something not matter how old or young you are. We are the same.

What hurts me is how easily you are willing to throw your faith away just so you can get some tail without feeling accountable. How typical of so many young men these days. They want it all, take what they want of the world and give nothing back. Are you saying you want to be like that? Is your heart really so cold concerning God? Would a woman make you feel more alive and fulfilled than God could? Would having sex even just once resolve everything you feel right now? Ask yourself those hard questions and find out who you really are and what you want. Better yet, ask God who you are. Ask Him who the real man is in this scenario: The one who did as he pleased and put his wants and needs above God or the one who kept his body and soul true to God and didn't give in to the pressures of this world because he is above it.

Which man are you?

 

[john219]

You can't play the age card, man. I'm only three years younger than you and that means absolutely nothing. We all struggle with something not matter how old or young you are. We are the same.

What hurts me is how easily you are willing to throw your faith away just so you can get some tail without feeling accountable. How typical of so many young men these days. They want it all, take what they want of the world and give nothing back. Are you saying you want to be like that? Is your heart really so cold concerning God? Would a woman make you feel more alive and fulfilled than God could? Would having sex even just once resolve everything you feel right now? Ask yourself those hard questions and find out who you really are and what you want.

Ok I understand about the age issue, for sure. Right, some good questions there and ones that I'm asking myself. This is the stage I'm at. I think if I was that willing to throw my faith away I guess I would have done it by now and wouldn't be here discussing this having been a Christian since well, about 13/14 years of age. I guess my heart is quite cold concerning God (for other reasons maybe) but anyway only God knows where my heart is truly at. I do want to resolve this issue and I'm seeing a Christian therapist today infact so hopefully that might help along with prayer and more reflection.

 

[john219]

How about before you give up, ask God to change your mindset and make it whatever He would like it to be. To make your desires be whatever He wants you to desire. Would it be okay if I prayed that for you?

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

Thank you, yes please do, I have prayed this myself for years....

 

[john219]

missing out. you sound ridiculous. so not having sex is worse than not having Christ. Man get out of here. Christ is worth more than a million wives. get your mind right

Did you just come on here to antagonize?

That's great you feel that way but I necessarily don't, hence starting this thread.

Thank you for exposing yourself as a judgemental moron

 

[john219]

Wait.

interesting picture!!

 

[presidente]

John 2:19,

My wife and I waited till marriage, and we are both concerned about the prevalence of fornication in this country. Things don't seem as bad in this regard in her own country.

My wife was reading the Bible one morning, and pointed out a passage where the Bible says God may 'punish' (according to the NIV) believers for committing fornication. The NKJV says 'avenger.' The NIV says that God punishes.

I Thessalonians 4
3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. 7 For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. 8 Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.
(NKJV)

The NIV of verse 6 says "The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before."

I thought that was interesting. Some people might not think of God punishing Christians much. The idea of God getting vengence on a Christian may not fit well with a lot of believers' view of God, either. But it is something to seriously consider. Also notice rejecting the teaching on fornication and holiness is a rejection of God. The Spirit God has given us is holy.

Hebrews 12 talks about not despising the chastening of the Lord. If your daddy spanked you, it wasn't pleasant, but grevious for you. After the chastising part of the chapter, another part follows that warns about fornication.

Hebrews 12
14 Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled; 16 lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright. 17 For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears.
(NKJV)

The author here compares a fornicator to Esau. Esau gave up his right to a larger inheritance to please his flesh. He sold it for a bowl of beans to satisfy a temporary craving of his body. Compare that to the fornicator. The fornicator satisfies his flesh momentarily. But he may be giving up something greater. Here, the author connects Esau despising his birthright to not inheriting the blessing.

One interpretation of 'found no place of repentance' has to do with Isaac not 'repenting' or changing his mind (and God not changing His mind) about the blessing given to Jacob. It could have been Esau's giving up of his birthright (to satisfy a craving) that opened the door to losing that blessing. Jacob got the blessing and the covenant went through His family, His nation. The Savior came through Israel.

So just think about that. If you fornicate, you might be giving up some kind of great blessing you could have had. God may forgive your sin if you repent, but that does NOT mean that you will get back that blessing you would have received. And you have been warned in scripture that God will get vengence on the believer who fornicates.

There isn't anything right about it ethically, fornicating that is. Sex isn't made just for entertainment and physical release. It joins people together.

Keep in mind that taking a young woman's virginity was so serious that if an Israelite under the law of Moses did so, he was required to marry her and never divorce her, if her father would accept him as her husband. If not, he still had to pay the bride price for virgins. Even if he raped her, he would still have to marry her. God apparently takes 'two shall be one flesh' very seriously. The girl who lost her virginity before marriage and was married off as if she was a virgin could be stoned to death. There is a certain order for marriage and sexuality we see in the scriptures. Even 'two shall be one flesh' speaks of Christ and the church. Sex is supposed to depict the mystery of Christ and the church, not just so that you can know you experienced sex once and cross that off your bucket list, and not just for physical release or enjoyment. Sex should be enjoyable, but it is for marriage.


Having sex before marriage is not normal. We live in an abnormal world. The unmarried person at 30 who has never had sex is normal. It is all those people who fornicate who are abnormal. If you are married, it is right for you to have sex. If you aren't, it isn't right. It isn't about your age.

 

[presidente]

Did you just come on here to antagonize?

That's great you feel that way but I necessarily don't, hence starting this thread.

Thank you for exposing yourself as a judgemental moron

He was responding saying having Christ was better than having wives, and you responded like this. I appreciate this honesty, but this concerns me. You don't think it is better to have Christ than a wife or sex? Does it bother you if you are thinking like that?

The Greek word for repentance actually means a change of mind. I believe you need to repent, and have a change in your way of thinking. Maybe you realize that.

You know what, I can really relate to your desire to have sex. Before I got married, having sex was like a dream of mine. It was something I wanted so badly... after I was married of course. Just looking at sexual frequency surveys, I'm a high drive kind of fellow, and I waited a lot longer than many of my high school and college classmates. But I also wanted to avoid having sex outside of marriage, too. Reading the Old Testament about being obligated to marry a girl whose virginity you took stuck with me, too. What if I slept with someone and become one in body with her, and then felt convicted that to live right with God, I had to marry her. What if she got pregnant? If you think about it, that is yet another reason not to go out and fornicate. Let's say there is some woman you think you are attracted to enough to have sex with once, but not to marry, and you fornicated with her, and to live right with God after that, you believe you should marry her. For example, you took her virginity or go her pregnant. Then you are stuck with a woman you found suitable for a one-night stand. You are stuck with a woman whose morals let her have a one night stand with you. Also, imagine if you got a woman pregnant who you could under no circumstances marry. Then you have a baby that maybe you can see on weekends if the mommy doesn't decide to murder the child in the womb.

I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation where I wasn't living right with God. Sometimes, to repent, you have to do something, like restore something you defraud someone of, for example. If you steal a car, and you repent, you at least have to restore the car. If not, you are driving around in a state of sin if you won't give back the car. I didn't want to put myself in a situation where I didn't know what was right to do, either. I didn't want to put myself in that situation in a relationship, either.

Like I said, I really wanted to experience sex. I wanted the physical release. I wanted the emotional connection. I wanted someone to love and someone to love me, and I also wanted that on a sexual level, too. I had a hunger for that and a lot of other good things that came with marriage. So, what did I do? I cried out to the Lord.

I think you are on the verge of making the absolute opposite decision of what you should make to meet your objectives. You want to have sex, right? The right way to do that is to marry a fellow believer. But you can't just go to Walmart, compare Christian brides, and pick up the best one for you off the shelf and take her back for a full refund before 30 days if you keep your receipt. Brides are harder to acquire. You really need God to help you arrange it. So you really need to pray and ask God for help on this one. Entertaining thoughts about giving up your faith to have sex are working in the opposite direction of getting you to your objective of having a wife to have sex with.

Before I met my wife, I went through a time when I was alone for a while and lonely. So I started praying. I believe the Lord did a purifying work in my heart as far as lust is concerned. But I was lonely and I told the Lord I wanted a wife.

I asked the Lord to send an angel before me to get a wife for me (as in the story of Rebecca).
I asked the Lord if He had someone for me to hurry up and bring her to me.
I asked if she was dating someone else for Him to quickly, gently break them up and bring her to me (which is how it happened, btw.)

Within a few months, I'd met her. You know what I found out? When I actually met this wonderful woman and loved her, lust wasn't as big of an issue. I didn't sit around thinking sexual thoughts about her. Of course, I had to try not to, and I was pretty busy with dating her. We were attracted to each other, and I'm not saying there was no temptation. But I appreciated her as a portion, and something about the love in the relationship satisfied something in me that I was tempted to satisfy with sexual thoughts before that. Of course, when we married, there was plenty of sex, especially during that Honeymoon phase of the first year or two, before the first baby came along.

Here is something else to think about. What if the Lord has a really wonderful daughter that he cherishes so much on reserve for you? Why would He bring her to you if you are going through this phase of wondering whether you should abandon the Lord to have sex? Why would He want to subject her to that? So repent and get over that and try to find a wife or whatever solution to this desire you have through getting closer to the Lord. It doesn't sound like you are cut out for life-long celibacy. The Biblical answer for you would therefore be to get married.

I think you should get your heart right on this and pursue a close relationship with God. Intensely devout yourself to prayer on this very topic, and then be very diligent about meeting a wife. If you can't find a woman in real life, there are lot's of women online looking for husbands. If you want a fellow virgin, that may be harder to find, but you can search all the free dating sites using the Google 'site' command searching for strings like "I am a virgin" or "virginity" and "I want a man who love's Jesus" or whatever other phrases until you find profiles of virgins. You might try finding a woman overseas who has an online profile from a country where women tend to be virgins until marriage and where they are eager to marry without the lengthy dating process. Spend enough time with her to make reasonably sure that her faith is genuine, that she isn't abusive or just plain crazy, that she isn't promiscuous, that she is hard-working, and that she has a good attitude toward the role as wife. If sex is important to you, talk about sexual expectations in marriage (e.g. Twice a year on special holidays might be a deal-breaker.) Or maybe there is a church singles group you could go to.

As you pray and look, always submit all your decisions whether it's about who to get to know or who to marry to the Lord. If you don't have peace about it and feel like a decision would be against the Lord, don't make it. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and definitely pray about the marriage decision.

 

[john219]

Here is something else to think about. What if the Lord has a really wonderful daughter that he cherishes so much on reserve for you? Why would He bring her to you if you are going through this phase of wondering whether you should abandon the Lord to have sex? Why would He want to subject her to that? So repent and get over that and try to find a wife or whatever solution to this desire you have through getting closer to the Lord.

I see your point here, yes. I think I've thought this myself for a long time. God should have someone for me, he should lead her to me etc. whilst I'm playing my part too obviously (by going out, socialising, going to church groups where I will be meeting women and I've been on Christian dating sites). The results have been good, by that I mean I have been on tons of dates over the years, I've had 4/5 serious relationships, but you see nothing has worked out and I think that's what gets to me. And I'm not blaming God for that I guess, maybe I'm just sulking a bit perhaps about still not having met this right woman by this age.

And so that's why it leads me to this next point you made here -

It doesn't sound like you are cut out for life-long celibacy. The Biblical answer for you would therefore be to get married.

Well I would like to think that he does have marriage in mind for me but of course there is no guarantee. He doesn't promise us anything like that. So maybe part of what this entire dilemma is the fear of ending up alone. I know I'm not alone in this fear. It's not a perfect world and this does happen. From where I am I look back on my life and can't see how God has been working in this area of relationships for me. Hence the confusion and the frustration and the disappointment.

I think you should get your heart right on this and pursue a close relationship with God. Intensely devout yourself to prayer on this very topic, and then be very diligent about meeting a wife.
As you pray and look, always submit all your decisions whether it's about who to get to know or who to marry to the Lord. If you don't have peace about it and feel like a decision would be against the Lord, don't make it. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and definitely pray about the marriage decision.

Some good pointers here thanks and I totally have devoted myself to prayer on this issue for years, as I said it's been something on my heart for a long time. Yet the last relationship, which I honestly thought was it and the girl that God had planned for me to be with, ended up probably being the most difficult relationship I've experienced.

So you see what I'm saying in all of this is that my Christian faith and my experience of following God's "way" and obeying him has not been easy but left me feeling unhappy and unsatisfied. That's my Christian experience.