M
Hello. I have something which is eating away at me and I need christian advice as to what to do. I have had a rocky start into life. My mother and farther broke up when I was very young and I was moved from pillar to post for many years. I have lived in several different places, moved to several different schools, my dad was in and out of my life, I was bullied in school, my mum suffered from mental health and shouted a lot and gave me little freedom, she also married an abusive alcoholic for many years and as a result I rebelled at around 13 and craved attention. I had always had faith however at that age I didn't understand faith very well. As I got to around 14 I became sort of popular in my school instead of getting bullied for once and I became naughty in school, went out with boys twice my age , drank alcohol, took some drugs, runaway from home etc. I also craved attention and sometimes made cruel accusations about men for attention which I am so ashamed of (no one ever got hurt just upset). I also began feeling attraction for the same sex and had some sexual encounters with them which I'm also ashamed of. One day I ran away from home at the age of 15 and met a man. He was amazing in so many ways but I was still in a dark place. I really liked him. We moved in together within two weeks and during this time I slept with other people through a lot of drink and drugs. Nothing passionate. Any make attention seemed amazing at the time. I never told him about this as I was beginning to fall in love with him. After about two months I realised that this man was actually in it for the long haul and wanted me even though my life was messed up. I felt wanted for once and not just for sexual reasons. I began to get my faith back slowly and started praying everyday. However, after some time my partner started drinking a lot and on several occasions came back home from work drunk and verbally abused me and one time physically (he pushed some drawers at me). We realised he was beginning to get a drink problem and we sorted it. I became pregnant (which was sort of planned after our lives were better than ever). The pregnancy was great and we had my daughter. Unfortunately, a week after having my daughter I got Postnatal Depression ( I had had depression as a teenager too). I started drinking every night to 'block' it. We regularly went on nights out (whilst my mum looked after my daughter) and I would drink myself stupid. One certain night my partner had upset me as he ignored me a lot of the night, I was terribly drunk and some man (who had a girlfriend) began flirting with me. I kissed him and instantly felt awful. I regretted it so much and still do now. It hurts to even mention it. Eventually I received a mental health nurse who began to work with me to solve my depression. After a year and a few months I was in remission. My life felt suddenly bright. I felt comftable. Me and my partner began to see each other in a truly lovely way. I could finally look after my daughter in a way I never imagined possible. Basically it was/is the best time of my life. Me and my partner married and again my religion came back strong. I have started going to church, reading the bible every day, praying everyday, it's amazing. Sometimes I'll be singing in church and I can feel an overwhelming presence around me. A feeling if utter divine. It's amazing. I love God and Jesus so much I truly do. I have asked for forgiveness for all of my sins and wrong doings. I now only have an alcoholic drinks once in a blue moon and it's one or two glasses now rather than several. Me and my daughter have a unbreakable bond and me and my partner are better than ever. I finally feel like I mean something. My problem is though, if I'm to be honest, I really don't want to tell my husband about the times I cheated when we had first got together and that one kiss whilst I was drunk and battling depression because I love him so so much and I don't want to loose him but I don't know whether God would want me to tell him. My heart literally aches whilst I wonder this. I am finally where I want to be, I have my own stable loving family, a home and a beautiful view of my life to come. Does he need to know this? Was it adultery as we were not married when it occurred and nearly all of it was in the very beginning when I didn't know if we would last? I thought it was just another passing romance, I hoped it would last but wasn't convinced it was. I am nearly 19 now and discovered God fully and need to know what I should do? I also found out that I had had a demon around me and my mum for many years due to my dad playing with an ouuja board when he was younger. It had now gone due to my minister performing a blessing. Could this have had anything to do with the way I was? Please help..... God bless you.