Should I worry about abuse?

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Help345

Guest
#1
#1
My child is very young still. Thinks and sometimes talks about father not living with us. When sees father, runs to him and is happy. Then acts fearful and asks to come to me quickly after. Will play with father but sometimes needs coaxing. Will go with father to where he lives but comes back unhappy.
Is it my feelings he's reflecting? Or should I worry about abuse?
 
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Anyk12

Guest
#2
#2
Help345 said:
My child is very young still. Thinks and sometimes talks about father not living with us. When sees father, runs to him and is happy. Then acts fearful and asks to come to me quickly after. Will play with father but sometimes needs coaxing. Will go with father to where he lives but comes back unhappy.
Is it my feelings he's reflecting? Or should I worry about abuse?
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Hi! May I ask how old is your child?
Maybe, I think the best thing you do first is to ask ur child about his/her experience when going to his father. Or ask ur child what are the things they do when he's alone with his father.
That could be one way ofassessing ur child's situation. It would be hard sometimes to trust our instincts if we do not have a strong proof yet. Ask God for guidance, ofcourse.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#3
#3
I would suggest play acting with your child with whatever toys he or she plays with. Have him or her show you what they do together thru play.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#4
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#4
If your child is fearful of his father, or unhappy about being with him, then there must be a reason for it. Is your child a mommy's child, meaning he only wants you and not daddy? Maybe he's afraid of leaving YOU alone. Do what Sirk suggested. It's an excellent idea..
 
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Sirk

Guest
#5
#5
Get some teddy bears or dolls. Have one be you, one be dad and one be the child and any other family members if applicable....then just play. He will reveal to you what is going on inside him.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#6
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
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#6
Sirk has the right idea for the most effective way for a very young child to communicate. And, if you don't quite get the way it would be done, ask any psychologist. (Municipalities often offer this sort of training at little or no cost.)

But, be careful. Adults have a tendency to project and suggest. And, it is all too true that we often "find" the very thing we expect to find.... even if it isn't there.
 
damombomb

damombomb

Senior Member
#7
Feb 27, 2011
3,801
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#7
Either the Dad is emotionally abusing or something else. I would keep asking my child what is making them unhappy until i got to the core of what is going on.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#8
#8
damombomb said:
Either the Dad is emotionally abusing or something else. I would keep asking my child what is making them unhappy until i got to the core of what is going on.
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I don;t think we should jump to conclusions. The kid could just be confused about going back and forth. Maybe daddy is depressed and the kid is picking up on it. It could be a number of things.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#9
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#9
damombomb said:
Either the Dad is emotionally abusing or something else. I would keep asking my child what is making them unhappy until i got to the core of what is going on.
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Again, be very careful of statements like this. This is just the kind of thing I was talking about.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#10
#10
Willie-T said:
Sirk has the right idea for the most effective way for a very young child to communicate. And, if you don't quite get the way it would be done, ask any psychologist. (Municipalities often offer this sort of training at little or no cost.)

But, be careful. Adults have a tendency to project and suggest. And, it is all too true that we often "find" the very thing we expect to find.... even if it isn't there.
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Good point Willie. We have to make sure that we are very objective so we don't "plant" things.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#11
#11
damombomb said:
Either the Dad is emotionally abusing or something else. I would keep asking my child what is making them unhappy until i got to the core of what is going on.
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If you ask and pester the kid will either shut down or tell you what you wanna hear.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#12
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
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#12
Sirk said:
Good point Willie. We have to make sure that we are very objective so we don't "plant" things.
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So true. I would estimate that as many as 20% of the "abuse" charge cases that I have dealt with eventually turned out to be bogus. The mothers (usually, the mother charges this) often did not even realize they were, in reality, planting thoughts in the child's mind. And the child was only "reporting", "confessing" or "admitting to" what they thought Mommy wanted to hear.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#13
#13
Willie-T said:
So true. I would estimate that as many as 20% of the "abuse" charge cases that I have dealt with eventually turned out to be bogus. The mother (usually, the mother charges this) often did not even realize they were, in reality, planting thoughts in the child's mind. And the child was only "confessing" or "admitting to" what they thought Mommy wanted to hear.
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That is really sad. Parents wield the kids as weapons and often don't even realize they are doing it. Bias, fear and anger make us do stupid things to our kids.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#14
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
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#14
Sirk said:
If you ask and pester the kid will either shut down or tell you what you wanna hear.
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Yes........ When I read "keep asking...." , red flags went up all over the place.
 
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coby

Guest
#16
#16
My kid hated it when he had to go to dad. He wanted to be with me. He said dad doesn't love me. I lied: oh but he recently told me that he loved you so much. Now a lot of times he wants to go to dad instead of me. I'm happy with it. It's also good for him. We coparent. I just called dad to say I was sorry and then dad said he was sorry too and now the kids have a good life.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#17
#17
coby said:
My kid hated it when he had to go to dad. He wanted to be with me. He said dad doesn't love me. I lied: oh but he recently told me that he loved you so much. Now a lot of times he wants to go to dad instead of me. I'm happy with it. It's also good for him. We coparent. I just called dad to say I was sorry and then dad said he was sorry too and now the kids have a good life.
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Ya....It isn't divorce that hurts the kids but the continuation of the battle.
 
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sassylady

Guest
#18
#18
I agree, be very careful to let the child tell you what is going on without you asking. Once child services gets involved it is a huge mess if there was a misunderstanding. I've known a couple of people who have had that happen.
 
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Help345

Guest
#19
#19
Wow! This is a lot of support! So much advice an ideas. I'm grateful!
 
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Loco

Guest
#20
#20
Put a long play sound activated mini recorder inside a toy your child likes without his knowledge. Send it along with the child and listen to it when it comes back. You can find a lot of spy stuff online, and since you only need audio it should not be too expensive. Be aware of the laws in your state. If something awful comes back you may not be able to disclose it, but at least you can find some legal way to look into it. On the other hand, if it comes back with minor stuff, like appropriate discipline, you will have peace of mind.
 
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