Constant Blow-Ups

[Depleted]

I appreciate your insight, OneFaith, that's why I'm here. I don't swear or yell, but I definitely whine. Because I say what I think at the moment, I don't get angry often, but that's good advice to just get some space to calm down. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't appreciate my needing privacy, example, when I called a friend to talk about another outburst , he followed me and said "we don't have secrets." It's funny (not really) that I was so good in building my kids up and saying things in the positive instead of negative.

I'm proud of holding my tongue on so many occasions. For some reason it takes a long time for him to be calm enough to have a discussion; I'm talking about days or weeks.

I love "You do not have to attend every argument you're invited to." and "look to the good in your day."
I believe if you don't deal with a blowup and let the sun go down with anger that the trouble goes into the next day. That is out of my control. I've asked.

As far as walks, that is not possible where we live; and I've asked for touching, eye contact and he chews tobacco and I can't kiss him (I've tried and it disgusts me and he didn't do it around me before we married). I can't control his wanting to take time out to do these things, so things ARE pretty miserable for me.

Hm, never thought to ask hubby for my contact. If I want, I just do. So, I sometimes hold his hand, (doesn't grocery shopping count as a walk ), rub his arm, grab his tush, start slow dancing with him with dish-detergent hands, or kiss him. And, oh yeah! I'm the smoker and he just quit last year, so it's not going to be French kissing, so it doesn't matter what was or is in our mouths. It's lip to lip. I've kissed him while he has a mouth full of cheese and crackers. (Granted. In his chaw days, he'd have to spit it out before getting that kiss.)

 

[Depleted]

Oh!!! Thanks for clearing that up. My apologies. I'm not the only one who thought that. lol

Oh! I thought you were agreeing that I'm no lady. lol

 

[Depleted]

Funny, that's been discussed many times. I'm trying to acknowledge his complaints, but truthfully I started tuning him out about halfway through (we were in bed for the night at his father's house). He started in again on me the next day though. We are at an impasse now--I can't hear him without acknowledgement of his verbal abuse.

Sure you can. Set the ground rules. "I an interested in finding out what I can do to improve this marriage if it is a two-way street, and if you do not insult me while we talk. Likewise, I won't insult you."

You can't fix something, (yeah, we need to fix sometimes), if you don't know how it's broken. But that doesn't mean you have to accept the abuse too. And, if he's in too foul a mood to talk about it without insulting you, stop him by saying something like, "We can talk about this when you've calmed down enough to talk like an adult." Then walk away.

 

[aliisadog]

What are you doing? Complaining? Yes, I get you're not complaining about him (most of the time), but he's still hearing everything as a complaint, and complain means "need to fix."
Physical pain. Can't be fixed.

Problem. We're women and know that. (Deep down men do too. lol) We just like to tell what's wrong without an expectation of "fix that." They can't hear that unless we make sure they hear that.

I'm in chronic pain too. And hubby hears about it, BUT it's the way I do it that changes everything. One of two ways he hears about it -- fix it or can't fix it.
1. Can fix it sounds like this.
"My pain doctor is useless except for giving me prescriptions. My back is getting worse and worse. [He already knows I don't want to take more and more pain meds, so I don't have to tell him that part.] My primary thinks I bring up pain to get more pain meds because I'm an addict, so she's not listening to me. Any idea who to go to so someone can help me slow down the increasing pain? I know the back can't get fixed, but delaying worse pain is good."

See? I've given him something useful to do, and he scurries off to the Internet to solve that problem by trying to figure out who I should go to and why. (That was a long term project for both of us, until I stumbled on the answer. After that, he didn't have to fix anymore.)

That is an excellent idea.

2. Can't fix it.
"I know you can't do a thing about this, but just got to say, my back is killing me and I have to sit down for a bit."

So preface complaints or this with "I know you can't do a thing about this? Great!!

See? He knows he doesn't have to fix that and can't.
3. Giving him a choice in if he wants to fix or not.
"I'm sorry the garden is a mess. That was dumb. I shouldn't have done that, but now I'm in too much pain to work on it for a while."

See? He heard my grip and he could choose to work on the garden, or he could choose to leave it alone, knowing I wanted to do the rest, but can't yet. Optional fix-it mode. (He usually chooses stuff he knows I won't get to, but he wants done. lol)

I like this and will try to implement.

Things I've learned (the hard way) not to say in front of him because he will "fix it" and I don't want him to do that for one reason or another.
-- My boss was a jerk today. (Ended up being talked into leaving that job. Dang! It was a good job, but he doesn't like bosses being jerks near me. lol)
-- Boy! The bathroom tile is ugly! (I don't even remember saying that, yet he took out the walls in the bathroom. )
--Stupid neighbor's dog woke me up this morning. (Next thing I know neighbor and he were having a yelling match.)

You may well think you're just laying all on the line. If I stayed with you a day or a week, I might well agree with you. But what you're saying and what he's hearing are two different things.

If he can't give you security by fixing something, he feels inadequate.

These are wonderful points.

That's what I mean by stop criticizing and complaining. He's hearing you. And, ultimately? Isn't that what we want from our husbands? To be heard. We just have to be careful of how we're being heard.

How do you know you are being heard when they don't say anything back?

(I became disabled shortly after he removed the tile, making him have to work harder for more income. Then he became disabled. To this day the tiles in our bathroom aren't ugly anymore. No tile. But the bathroom will never be finished either. We got walls up before I became disabled. Didn't even get the wallpaper finished. lol) He's hearing you like a man though. Not like a woman.

Too funny!

So, he's not lying. He's telling you his problem. Hear him in man-talk, not woman-talk. And, when you have to complain, phrase it in man-talk.

A lot to think about!! Thank you so much!!

 

[aliisadog]

Sure you can. Set the ground rules. "I an interested in finding out what I can do to improve this marriage

Until he comes out of his funk, I ask and he won't tell. I humble myself and admit my faults and he jumps right in and tells me other things he's upset about me. He wants to focus on one issue instead of the root of why he keeps things in for so long then explodes. I can deal with reactions along the way.
He has some unforgiveness toward me that rears it's ugly head every time. I realize unless he doesn't forgive me, I have no chance of him really loving me. I've forgiven myself and God's forgiven me and that's all I can do.

You can't fix something, (yeah, we need to fix sometimes), if you don't know how it's broken. But that doesn't mean you have to accept the abuse too. And, if he's in too foul a mood to talk about it without insulting you, stop him by saying something like, "We can talk about this when you've calmed down enough to talk like an adult." Then walk away.

What I can't do is fix his unforgiveness. I will walk away when there's abuse too. I usually just walk away and say nothing, because he's been told what that means.

 

[aliisadog]

Hm, never thought to ask hubby for my contact. If I want, I just do. So, I sometimes hold his hand, (doesn't grocery shopping count as a walk ), rub his arm, grab his tush, start slow dancing with him with dish-detergent hands, or kiss him. And, oh yeah! I'm the smoker and he just quit last year, so it's not going to be French kissing, so it doesn't matter what was or is in our mouths. It's lip to lip. I've kissed him while he has a mouth full of cheese and crackers. (Granted. In his chaw days, he'd have to spit it out before getting that kiss.)

He won't let me touch him when he's upset with me. When things are good, I do initiate touch but it is not usually reciprocated. Let me preface the "walk" thing with, he is in a wheelchair (no tush grabbing lol) . So he's in his chair and I push the cart. I love to French kiss and miss it-don't think it should be reserved just for the bedroom. His breath smells horrific from the "dip" (it doesn't come out of his mouth until he goes to bed--I loose all attraction to him when I see a big wad on one cheek and smell his bad breath.) And, you're funny.

 

[aliisadog]

I know in my mind I need to focus on my relationship with Christ but I want so very much to have this relationship on earth too. I'm not quite clear what you mean by not attempting to resolve our issues with each other and how that can be healthy. What practical ideas do you suggest to become consumed only with what God wants?

I am sorry for not making myself more clear. When I said "not to attempt to resolve your issues", I was referring more to the idea of spending your time and energy on becoming the person God wants you be, as opposed to trying to "fix" your marriage. You will never fix your husband. He will need to recognize why he needs to fix himself. He must crave a change of heart. Only prayer can accomplish that.

God uses adversity and disappointment as tools to make us become more Christ-like in our character. Would we ever pick and choose pain to make us grow in character? No, of course not, but God knows the human spirit and what will cultivate it the most. It very well could be that God is using this situation to bring you to that plac of growing in Him, which would help you get your eyes off the urgency of your situation because you can't do anything about it anyways.

Don't ever give up on prayer, and release your husband to the Lord.

I hope that helps clarify things.

That's exactly what I did last time, focused on God. Great prayer: ask God to give my husband a craving for a change of heart.
That did help clarify. Thanks!

 

[Depleted]

That is an excellent idea.


So preface complaints or this with "I know you can't do a thing about this? Great!!

[/SIZE]

I like this and will try to implement.



These are wonderful points.



How do you know you are being heard when they don't say anything back?


Too funny!



A lot to think about!! Thank you so much!!

If he doesn't respond, I ask him, "So, what are you thinking?"

(Easy for us. I'm the one who tries to do the silent treatment, and me, being a girl and all, can't last but a couple of hours. lol)

 

[Depleted]

Until he comes out of his funk, I ask and he won't tell. I humble myself and admit my faults and he jumps right in and tells me other things he's upset about me. He wants to focus on one issue instead of the root of why he keeps things in for so long then explodes. I can deal with reactions along the way.
He has some unforgiveness toward me that rears it's ugly head every time. I realize unless he doesn't forgive me, I have no chance of him really loving me. I've forgiven myself and God's forgiven me and that's all I can do.



What I can't do is fix his unforgiveness. I will walk away when there's abuse too. I usually just walk away and say nothing, because he's been told what that means.
[/SIZE]

When he gets over this one, have a talk with him about not holding it in either.

 

[Depleted]

He won't let me touch him when he's upset with me. When things are good, I do initiate touch but it is not usually reciprocated. Let me preface the "walk" thing with, he is in a wheelchair (no tush grabbing lol) . So he's in his chair and I push the cart. I love to French kiss and miss it-don't think it should be reserved just for the bedroom. His breath smells horrific from the "dip" (it doesn't come out of his mouth until he goes to bed--I loose all attraction to him when I see a big wad on one cheek and smell his bad breath.) And, you're funny.

I rubbed his neck while pushing wheelchair back then. Can't stop me, or no one to roll the wheelchair. lol

 

[EarnestQ]

It sounds like both of you are pretty immature. You can't change him, but you can grow out of your own immaturity. You have to admit that you are 70% responsible for the problems in the relationship. (So is he.) Continue with therapy but focus on how you can change, not on what he needs to change. Read books about marriage and relationships. (Books by Norm Wright are good.)

 

[slave]

I don't think that was a very nice answer.

Which Scripture would you give as being truthful which will set them free?

 

[CaptainGoat]

It can be difficult as I know men with similar characters. One of my brothers has a similar character but maybe in a lesser degree and he is learning (Now he is married) to become more open.
One man who was a church leader is like this and while we get on OK, I find it can be impossible to bring any past hurts into the open as he refuses to even reply when I do as in the past more then one situation rose that need explaining as he had lead him to have the wrong opinion of me. Without being able to speak about such things I can't give him the information to bring forth a true version of events. It has brought an unseen gap as I feel there is no way to open up to him and I would upset him if I tried.
While at the other end of the extreme are those of us who want to talk how we feel and want a two way open conversation to sooth hurts and bridge gaps, and this causes hurts and frustrations when the two come together.
I've never been married but can understand the issues here. I have seen the same character of never opening up in women as well. I had a grandmother who was a lovely lady and always giving, but she did have a stubbornness of being upset with something and no one had a clue why and she would never say why she was upset! (It came from her background of being born and raised in the Midlands in the UK, which I'm told was how they lived! Anything that upset one was bottled up so it would not cause an argument or an ill word. It was their interpretation of what they should do as Christians. My mum said at times her parents would both ben upset with each other and bothsit stoney faced on each side of the room and not utter a word untill after many hours or the next day their anger would subside! Most people from my area (Different area to where my mums parents lived) are the opposite where we feel the need to be open and explain feelings.
The solution is for you both to remember love. OK, he needs to open up more and you need to call each day a new day. A fresh start. The issues can arise with things that really need to be discussed that effect some subject that needs urgent attention. All I can advise is love and pray.
You can't change people, even yourself. But God can do it! So there is hope yet!

 

[slave]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if my dilemma has been addressed before.
My husband and I are both Christians and have been married for 1 1/2 years. We each have two grown children living a good distance from us. Just like every other male and female, we have different ways of communicating. I'm the type who wears my feelings on my shoulders and I speak my mind most of the time, a lot of times in a critical and complaining fashion, not toward him, but just in general. My husband keeps his thoughts to himself when I've upset him and they come spilling out about every 2 to 3 weeks in a hurtful way with anger, shouting, tone and his tearing me down to the point I shut down emotionally. We end up just existing in the same house; he staying stubborn to acknowledge his outburst (even with me trying to talk to him about it) and me staying quiet and hurt.
The last time this happened, we literally had no meaningful conversation for 2 weeks; we didn't eat together, sleep together or go anywhere together. I eventually had to leave town to visit relatives and get away from the tension. Then, and only then, did he soften and begin talking to me. I've made mistakes in our relationship in the past for which he says he has forgiven me, but he continues to remind me of them when he has his outbursts.
It happened again today and I was reamed through the coals with insults on my character. I have talked to my pastor, thought about going to counseling, and asked him to go to counseling to no avail. I'm sure there is so much I'm leaving out but I need advice on practical things I might do.
I moved to his little town of around 300 people when we got married and it's been very hard to make friends and my friends are 100s of miles away. Any helpful suggestions? Thanks in advance.

Hello ali.. - It is nice to meet you. So the marriage is still fresh, and you are both Christians is that correct?And you have been frustrated with how he is interacting with you - right? Ok, well life is settling in with you two, and so is Christ in relationship to both of your interactions. We see in life how afflictions causes us to grow in our Character in Christ right? So, let's look at this opportunistically and ask God to bless your marriage with endurance in the life of Christ for your marriage sake saying, "Not our will, but Thy will be done!" - right?! You have been asking and seeking and knocking thru prayer I would imagine as a Christian. Since I haven't had the privilege of knowing you up until now, can I ask a few questions?....

If you have a Bible or app Where do you see YOUR emotions fitting in with that which is your life - (that being the spirits emotions over your fleshes emotions)? According to (Col. 3:5); and (Romans 8:13) do you feel there is any room to align with God differently in relationship to your marriage?

When you say you wear your feelings on your shoulders (or wear them on your sleeve - Smile, however you might word that) and say you don't hold back whatever is on your mind, and refer to it as a type of person you are, is this a right of passage as a Christian crossing over from death to life do you think? What do we learn according to (James 1:19)?

You have discerned his cycle of behavior ending in how it hurts you. According to (Mark 12:31); (John 13:34); and (Phil. 2:3) - have you considered discerning his needs to love him and respect him versus righting him; seeing that in so doing you would be acting on behalf of yourself? (Of course he should do the same, but that is not your jurisdiction to consider only God's and his).Yet, your unconditional love will impact him towards that end, as well as Scripture, and his spirit, and godly counsel.

Is our choice to choose the Lord as our answer to our marriages? Or, do we choose to make our spouse the problem needing to be fixed? Just a question based on the Scriptures inputs is all. Is (Proverbs 3:5-6) as much of an answer to you as friends who can relate to your pain, or counsel which can elevate his problems, giving grounds in fixing him thereby fixing your life? That road won't fix anything. If you have a pulse you can fall in love with each other, but to stay in love with one another takes a plan, and God gives us one in Scripture. There are more Scriptures I won't take your time up with at this time, but if you want to talk later, I can do that and discuss more.

Consider this too, It sounds like he is waiting to communicate when he gets a chance too, are you listening without prejudice? Blank slated and just there to see what he has to say, in love? I know, its hard at some junctures and I don't know him, but have you considered that he has forgiven you for past discretions, but that this is what he has chosen to do to get in a word in the right and wrong arguments? Again, I can't know the whole situation as such.But, a thought.

Successful marriages are about choosing to love the other more than themselves biblically, not righting the others wrong using Scripture to evidence your rights and their wrongs.. Nor is it selfless love if we only did love them (which we want to do) if only they did this or that. It is unconditional (Agape) love Christ would have you abandon yourself to. pray that God's Supernatural support comes in helping you, as you, love him as yourself and beyond yourself in Christ; never out of vain conceit loving him in giving him your respect as he loves you like Jesus loved the Church and gave himself up for it..

This is when marriages find the night air rocking chairs on the porch with both of you still in love. My suggestion is to chose to love more than find an answer to help your pain. Think less in what you think is the best answer, remembering he has an opinion on that too, but both of you submit to Christ for in doing that your pain (and his) will subside, and communications will grow stronger. As you find yourself remaining in love in reality, without any pretense. I hope this is helpful, I will pray for you and for your husband. May God richly bless your marriage! ~Dan~

 

[Miri]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if my dilemma has been addressed before.
My husband and I are both Christians and have been married for 1 1/2 years. We each have two grown children living a good distance from us. Just like every other male and female, we have different ways of communicating. I'm the type who wears my feelings on my shoulders and I speak my mind most of the time, a lot of times in a critical and complaining fashion, not toward him, but just in general. My husband keeps his thoughts to himself when I've upset him and they come spilling out about every 2 to 3 weeks in a hurtful way with anger, shouting, tone and his tearing me down to the point I shut down emotionally. We end up just existing in the same house; he staying stubborn to acknowledge his outburst (even with me trying to talk to him about it) and me staying quiet and hurt.
The last time this happened, we literally had no meaningful conversation for 2 weeks; we didn't eat together, sleep together or go anywhere together. I eventually had to leave town to visit relatives and get away from the tension. Then, and only then, did he soften and begin talking to me. I've made mistakes in our relationship in the past for which he says he has forgiven me, but he continues to remind me of them when he has his outbursts.
It happened again today and I was reamed through the coals with insults on my character. I have talked to my pastor, thought about going to counseling, and asked him to go to counseling to no avail. I'm sure there is so much I'm leaving out but I need advice on practical things I might do.
I moved to his little town of around 300 people when we got married and it's been very hard to make friends and my friends are 100s of miles away. Any helpful suggestions? Thanks in advance.

Sounds like he doesnt or can't talk to you, because he is just waiting
for you to criticise him, or for an argument to flare up. So he decides
its better not to talk.

While you want to talk and get frustrated at him for ignoring you
or for not talking things through. You feel he never includes you or talks
to you.

If you both cant work it out and understand what is happening and why,
then maybe a councillor can help. You both have probably got things you
need to change.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Ask him to address the things he's upset with HIMSELF about.. you may be surprised..

 

[kisharena80]

The question I have to ask is do you pray together as a couple because I hear alot of do this and do that but without the power of the Holy spirit you can't be now look at the word BE real closely be what God has called you to be in this marriage. Please if you can take time out to pray with your husband and pray the Word of God over your marriage because The Power of God is higher and stronger than anything we try to do in our own strength Prayer will get to the root and not focus on the branches which is the behavior Heavenly Father thank you for this honest and open confession that our sister made concerning her marriage she revealed something's that made her vulnerable Lord and we know you are a God that covers our weakness in your strength your strength is perfected in our weakness Abba Father ignite the Flame of the Holy Spirit in this marriage let their be a ministry that comes out of the struggles that's taking place show them the revelation of this union give them the grace to look at each other through the filter of your Love. Use them mightily to reach out to other couples thank you Father for the outcome. IJN

 

[aliisadog]

Wow, I’d closed this email account and forgotten about this chat group. Your suggestions were so helpful and I’ve been working hard to lean on God. I see I need to answer back to a couple of people too.

Things, unfortunately, are even worse 7 months later. There is absolutely no intimacy in this house now.

I should go into a little more depth about our problems. My husband has proven over the last 7 years to be a binge drinker, the last time being about 2 weeks ago. My last marriage was to an admitted alcoholic, so I see the signs. Before my husband and I met, he’d sit alone in his house and drink; now that I'm here, he’s resorted to several times coming home intoxicated in his truck. He came home from riding around all day and after he didn’t come into the house, I checked on him and he was trying to speak but was only able to say “I'm good.” I thought he was having a stroke, so some other people got involved and an ambulance was called. Another time, he came home and fell out of his truck onto the ground and had to sit there until someone came by to help him into his wheelchair. If I leave town for any amount of time, he goes on a binge. There has been an incident at least once a month for the last year. He’s had blackouts, passes out, is verbally abusive, and last time started throwing up in his sleep and couldn’t form words.

I’ve had issues with his son spending most of the hunting season with us every year--he’s a horrible house guest and treats us like a hotel. I saw a counselor twice to see how I can be less negative and complaining and someone was right when they said the counselor would elevate my husband’s problems. And his answer to me was that nothing will change by me working on myself under the current circumstances and that it’s unreasonable for his son to stay with us for such long periods of time. Everyone else I’ve talked to about the situation says the same thing. I’ve started having medical problems because of the stress--loose teeth from grinding and I had to go on blood pressure medicine.

His issue with me is that I’m hard to get along with every time we’re with his grown kids and grandkids. Usually an episode has preceded their coming and we’re still in the throes of the chaos and he’s not yet remorseful toward me. I’ve left sometimes while they’re here and that made things worse in my husband’s eyes. I had shoulder surgery a week ago and can’t do much. That’s when he decided to tell me that his daughter says she hates me and he says he, cannot and will not love me or forgive me, if I don’t show his kids love. So, I was hateful after that and wouldn’t let him take care of me (wrong). My blood pressure spiked and I had to double my RX. To try to make amends, just yesterday, I wrote a letter of apology to both his kids to try to show my husband my efforts in getting along, and I didn’t blame my husband. I referred to the scripture in I John 4:20-21 about loving my brother. I let him read them before I sent it to make sure I wouldn’t offend further.

I told y’all we both were Christians, but my discussions with my husband, along with his habitual behavior, make me question his Christianity, which isn’t my place to judge. I’ve gone with him to a church that his family belongs to that I don’t agree with doctrinally, so after 3 years of attending with him, I’ve left and started going to another church in another town so I can be more open, transparent and accountable to others. My brother says maybe when I get among others and start back into Bible study more regularly that I can show the love of Jesus and he’ll see that in me--I told him I’m not sure that anyone can see “Jesus” in me right now.

I’m trying to stay motivated to continue to seek God regardless of how he acts. But honestly, I’ve said come Lord Jesus anytime now. This is my 3rd marriage and obviously I’m doing something wrong.

I really should have reached back out to you because you seem like a great group of believers. He will be home shortly and I won’t be able to get back on.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Doubling up on your medicine isn't a real good idea.. And if this is your 3rd marriage, maybe what you're doing wrong is picking the wrong men..

 

[aliisadog]

I can see how that sounded if I'm self-medicating. lol The doctor prescribed one pill a day but said try half a pill to start, which is what I've doing for the last six months. So, during the latest stress and currently, I'm taking a whole one. And I've decided my picker is definitely broken!!